I am a faithful to person. I believe God has only plans for good over all our lives. It’s our choices and living in a sinful world that causes the pain and hurt in our lives. Then God comes in like the good parent. All we have to say is we need forgiveness. We cry out that we need help and we can’t do this life alone anymore and He saves us from ourselves. He is a good Father. I feel it. I know it with every fiber in me. So why do I continue to worry like I have no faith at all?
I have been on a soul searching wellness journey for a few months now. It’s been very strange and very difficult focusing on myself, being a mom and a wife at the same time. As I have written in past blogs, Yoga and Meditation, along with my doTERRA Essential Oils have been life changing. I also do my group devotions, free writing and see my doctor regular. I keep challenging myself to explore my emotions and break down my brick walls driving deeper into my past to heal and forgive.
My anxiety, depression, stomach pains and even my hair falling out have all been like waves in an ocean. It’s depends on the storm, how deep or how far out I am in the waters and how faithful I am during this process. No matter how uncomfortable some days can be I never stop getting up every morning, doing my Yoga, Mediate, Pray. I keep at it. The Yoga, The Meditation and the consistent Praying... that’s the beginning of JOY for me. That’s where my day starts and ends. It’s small but it’s important. I can say with a full heart that I have many more days of JOY than anything else anymore.
The hardest part of this soul searching journey for me has been making healthy boundaries. It recently came up that I am overly worried about each and every family member I have to unhealthy points. I do have anxiety and it’s true that since I moved from Colorado my anxiety has increased but I know why my anxiety has increased. It’s not for the reason some people may think. Let’s go ahead and clear this up.
I worry. I know I don’t need to age myself this way. I shouldn’t stress myself with things I can’t control and it’s very true that I rob myself of JOY by worrying. But yet I still worry. I worry about the pain people I care for go through. I hate to think of them in trouble, in pain and to have any stress in their life. So what can I do for them but pray? I pray all the time.
Is worrying and caring different? Are they the same? I honestly don’t know but what I do know is my words are powerful. So maybe I’ll change my words to “I care for my people deeply.” I think that’s a beautiful thing. To care for people so much that you feel their JOY, their happiness, their pain to your core. I shouldn’t be cut off from knowing what’s happening in my families world, out of fear it might make my anxiety worst. It’s not fair to be made to feel “crazy” for caring, for feeling so intensely. I care! I feel! I am proud of that! One thing that should be made straight now is I am not losing my mind, okay! I am still functioning and handling life. I am not crying in my closet… well, not all the time… and not over other people, really! Because the one person I get stressed out the very most over is ME!
When I am meditating and have my prayer time, it’s a peaceful time for my heart and mind. My body can release all tension and my mind is completely open to hearing God. But really it’s not always in meditation that I hear God. I feel Him, He gives me peace, energizes my soul and prepares me for the day and relaxes me so I can rest at night. I hear God throughout my day. It’s in the hustle of taking care of kids, laundry, cleaning, cooking, doctor appointments, meetings, and in my dreams that He speaks to me. He guides me. He says yes. He says no…and wait, often. He says it’s okay, you’re doing great. He says you’re good. He says I have qualified you and I am with you. God reassures me that I am never alone.
I know my anxiety is worst only because this season that I’m in right now is all about self discovery and healing. My mind and emotions are open….way…way open and it’s going places that have been closed up and I never planed on opening or exploring. I’m in a time in my life, where I have time for focus on my life. My mind is not caught up in the busyness of teaching and people pleasing anymore. I have made time for health, healing and putting the past in the past in a healthy way this time. However, to get to that point takes time and can be overwhelming. But everyday I’m a little healthier and a little closer to closing the door on the past in a peaceful way. I smile more than cry.
So I will end with this, I feel things very deeply and sometimes that can be overwhelming to other people. I understand because it’s overwhelming sometimes to me. However, the last thing that I need is to be cut off from the life of my family and friends. Not knowing is worse than know. Putting me in the corner and trying to sheltering me from the things that go on in the lives of each other is not helping, it’s hurting. I want to be there and I want to be needed by people. I care and that’s is not weird. That’s more than normal. You are all on this journey with me like it or not.