Can we all stop for a minute and take a deep breath. The world will keep turning. Time will keep ticking away. But can we, as people, STOP for a damn minute, please? I need a quick breather. Am I the only one who feels like life has become a sprint and I am being dragged to an invisible finish line? What happens to living in a marathon and pacing yourself? This mom is tired.

The Chaos is REAL…

*Sibling bickering, For the love of all that is holy!

*Picking up messes I just cleaned up, I will repeat this process 100,000 times throughout the day. Oh, Joy!

*Running earnings for everyone,  Yeah, no problem, I can do that…smack face.

*Planning meals that everyone will gripe about and ultimately throw in the trash. Why? Why?

*Paying bills and crying over your bank account. How did this happen?

*Finding everyone missing items for them! It wouldn’t have been lost if you had just picked up after yourself! 

*Taking care of the animals, I don’t mind this because they are the only ones who are nice to me.

*Doing the never end, ever growing laundry, I know we have to have an extra person..people living here…this is crazy…Didn’t I just fold this and put it away? Now, I am rewashing it. This is just NO.

*Clearing ft… yes, ft of snow off the driveway so I can leave the house. Oh it’s okay. I got it. I got EVERYTHING myself…it’s fine…really!

*Emailing the kid’s teachers! Don’t get me started on IEP meetings; I’m trying to understand and retain all that information! Try your very best to do what is best for your child. Do what is right for them. Again, break up more kid fighting!

***Oh, and it gets better. Just wait until the weekend rolls around. Now you have your entire family home ALL day and an extra person to care for: Your husband! Another mouth to feed, another person to clean up after, another person who needs your attention! Breath girl! Breathe!  Deep Breath. I need a minute…I need a few minutes!

The Dream…

I have thought many times to myself about this idea. How wonderful it would be to wake up in the morning after a deep, uninterrupted sleep. I would have a clean house and make my coffee. Then, I would sit with my dogs and watch the sunrise. That’s it. No yelling, no demands from little people or husbands. No loud cartoons and stupid videos from someone’s tablet, just peace and quiet. I could drink my coffee while it’s hot. Then, I would take an uninterrupted shower. I would get ready for the day quickly. I wouldn’t have to stop a million times for a million different reasons. I could work out because I would have that freedom and financial ability. I could go to work. I like working outside the house. I would be capable of doing this guilt-free now. I would have no one to answer to but myself.  How about talking on the phone? That would be a totally new experience without kids! I could go to bed when I am tired. I just get up and go to bed. That simple! I have never just gone to bed. I only did this when I was so over everyone in my house. Then, I purposely left it for my husband to do.  Make him put the kids to bed and lock up the house… take that!

Beautiful Chaos…That is my people.

Awe, sweet freedom…right? I am slightly overwhelmed…can you tell? But honestly, I could not have imagined my life without Gigi and Trist’s smiles and snuggles. They’re my babies. They’re my motivation, and many times, they are my extra push to reach those goals. They’re my loves.

Gigi is my girl! My little undercover gangster with a heart of gold. We do make-up and makeovers, get sushi, and watch cooking competition shows. She loves Impractical Jokers. She is feisty and so intelligent! She loves school, and she does fantastic. She makes friends quickly because she doesn’t want anyone to feel lonely. She’s tough! She won’t let anyone mistreat her! She definitely knows how to take care of herself! She loves to sing, and her voice fills our house and makes me smile. She dances and flips through our house. She makes life an adventure. How boring it would be without my little Princess Gigi.

Tristan is my right-hand man! I need help with the snow, the dogs, and the trash cans; Trist is my guy. If I don’t feel good, he will be the one to take care of me. He is a sweetheart! He makes me laugh…really laugh! He has a great sense of humor! Trist is like having a Discovery/NatGeo show 24/7. He always says, “Mom, did you know that shark teeth keep growing forever?” “Mom, did you know that in 1920, it was the first service dog, and it was a German Shepherd?” “Mom, WOW guppy fish don’t lay eggs, they give birth!” He could go all day! He loves nature and animals. He is gentle and kind. Tristan is a unique kid. He is an old soul who sees the world differently than us adults. He sees the world differently than any other kid I have ever met. I hope that spirit never leaves him. I would be lost without his perspective on the world. He is light in darkness.

I have good kids and a really fantastic family. They just make me crazy sometimes, and I think that is normal. My family seems to have this annoying habit of being super needy. Maybe we all are a little needy. We know we will always be there for each other. I should be thankful I have people who need me, and part of me is. There is also a part of me that feels like I’m suffocating. It’s like being the loneliest person in a crowded, loud room sometimes.

That first year was rough…

I became a mom at 25 after only being married for 3 months. I do not recommend this strategy. Being a new wife is a tricky challenge without adding a baby! Our first year of marriage was awful…for me, I think he was blissfully aware. What the hell did I get myself into? This is not what I pictured at all. I said this to myself all the time. I was miserable that year, but there was some JOY. I had a baby boy, Trist. He was perfect. The most beautiful soul to ever enter Earth’s atmosphere…ever.  When things were confusing and just plain bad, I had this sweet baby pull back together all the broken pieces. So often, I would think, “You’ve got to be kidding me?” and “Is this guy for real?” I thought my new husband was never going to get with the program! We still had so much growing to do as a couple. But everything was worth it when I would hold Trist and look into those beautiful hazel eyes. All of the tears, all of the painful conversations, all of the fights. He was my reason. I have never loved anyone more. I could have just run away many times that first year… we were so young and stupid and very selfish. My patience was super short, and my exceptions were super high. The first 5 years were full of growing pains for both of us. But we had a family now and I was a wife, that meant something! I was a mom! I AM A MOM! I have the most critical job in the world! I had to keep it together. I have eyes watching and ears listening. I have to protect my family. I needed to fight for my marriage, myself, and my kid(s). Giving up no longer be a choice.

Big Picture…

When I look at the picture above, I see love. Pure, innocent love. I made that kid right there! We created a loving home for these kids, a safe place full of music, laughing, respect, and JOY. It’s crazy much of the time! Yes, I need to learn to take some time for myself. I should be alone and not feel bad about it. But no matter what, I’ll always be my kids’ soft place to fall. I support them. I am their protector, and I am blessed to be their mom. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

My husband, my teammate for life, my friend, my rock, and my heart. I wouldn’t change a thing. So the house isn’t always clean. The laundry is never done and won’t ever be. Our kids like to rip each other apart. They are very good at pushing our buttons, too! We aren’t rich, and most never will be… that’s okay. I have traveled the world with you. I have walked through parks at night with you. Cheered on our Denver Broncos with you! I have fought illness and surgeries with you. We have dealt with family issues that we should’ve never had to deal with together. We have laughed till we’ve cried together. Explored and went on many adventures together. We have brought two amazing, brilliant.

Life…

SK