Blessed Chaos

Can we all stop for a minute and take a deep breath. I know the world will keep turning and time will keep ticking away but can we as people STOP for a damn minute, please? I need a quick breather. Am I the only one who feels like life has become a sprint and I am being dragged to an invisible finish line? What happen to life being a marathon and pacing yourself? This mom is tired.

The Chaos is REAL…

*Sibling bickering, For the love of all that is holy!

*Picking up messes that I just cleaned up, Will repeat this process 100,000 times throughout the day. Oh, Joy!

*Running earnings for everyone,  Yeah no problem, I can do that…smack face.

*Planning meals that everyone will gripe about and will ultimately end up throwing in the trash Why? Why?

*Paying bills and crying over your bank account, How did this happen?

*Finding everyones missing items for them, If you would’ve just picked up after yourself it wouldn’t be lost! 

*Taking care of the animals, I actually don’t mind this because they are the only ones who are nice to me.

*Doing the never end, ever growing laundry, I know we have to have an extra person..people living here…this is crazy…didn’t I just fold this and put it away and now I am washing it again…just NO.

*Clearing ft… yes, ft of snow off the driveway so I can leave the house, Oh it’s okay. I got it. I got EVERYTHING myself…it’s fine…really!

*Emailing the kids teachers! Don’t get me stared on IEP meetings and trying to understand and retain all that information! Trying your very best to do what is best and RIGHT for your child… and again breaking up more kid fighting!

***Oh and it gets better. Just wait until the weekend rolls around. Now you have all your family home, ALL day and an extra person to take care of…your husband! Another mouth to feed, another person to clean up after, another person who needs your attention! Breath girl! Breathe!  Deep Breath. I need a minute…I need a few minutes!

The Dream…

I have thought many times to myself how wonderful it would be to wake up in the morning, after an uninterrupted deep sleep, to a clean house, make my coffee, sit with my dogs and watch the sun come up and that’s it. No yelling, no demands from little people or husbands. No loud cartoons and stupid videos from someone tablet, just peace and quite. I could drink my coffee while it’s hot. Then I would take an uninterrupted shower. I would get ready for the day and it wouldn’t take any time at all because I wouldn’t have to stop a million times for a million different reasons. I could work out because I would have that freedom and financial ability. I could go to work. I like working outside the house. I would be able to do this guilt free now. I would have no one to answer to but myself.  How about talking on the phone? That would be a totally new experience without kids! I could go to bed when I am tired. I could just get up and go to bed. That simple! I have never just went to bed unless I was so over everyone in my house that I purposely left it for my husband to do.  Make him put the kids to bed and lock up the house… take that!

Beautiful Chaos…That is my people.

Awe sweet freedom…right? I am slightly overwhelmed…can you tell? But honestly I could not imagine my life without Gigi and Tris’s smiles and snuggles. They’re my babies. They’re my motivation and many times they are my extra push to reach those goals. They’re my loves.

Gigi is my girl! My lil undercover gangster with a heart of gold. We do make-up and make-overs, we get sushi, watch cooking competition shows and she loves Impractical Jokers. She is feisty and so smart! She loves school and she does amazing. She makes friends easily because she doesn’t want anyone to feel lonely. She’s tough! She won’t let anyone treat her bad! She definitely knows how to take care of herself! She loves to sing and her voice fills our house and brings a smile to my face. She dances and flips through our house. She makes life an adventure. How boring it would be without my lil Princess Gigi.

Tris is my right hand man! I need help with the snow, the dogs, the trash cans, Tris is my guy. If I don’t feel good, he will be the one to take care of me. He is a sweetheart! He makes me laugh…really laugh. He has a great sense of humor! Tris is like having a Discovery/NatGeo show 24/7 in your face, “Mom, did you know that shark teeth keep growing forever?” “Mom, did you know that in 1920 was the first service dog and it was a German Shepherd?” “Mom, WOW guppy fish don’t lays eggs, they give brith!” He could go all day! He loves nature and animals. He is gentle and kind. Tris is a very unique kid, an old soul who sees the world very differently then us worn adults. I hope that spirt never leaves him. I would be lost without his perspective on the world. He is light in darkness.

I have good kids and a really amazing family. They just make me crazy sometimes. My family seems to have this annoying habit of being super needy. I should be thankful I have people that need me and part of me is. There is also a part of me who feels like I’m suffocating. It’s like being the loneliest person in a very crowded, loud room at times.

That first year was a doozy…

I became a mom at 25 after only being married for 3 months. I do not recommend this strategy. Being a new wife is a tricky challenge on it’s own without adding a baby to the mix! Our first year of marriage was awful…for me, I think he was blissful aware. What the hell did I get myself into? This is not what I pictured at all. I said this to myself all the time. I was miserable that year but there was some JOY, I had a baby boy, Tris. He was perfect. The most beautiful soul to ever enter earth’s atmosphere…ever.  When things were confusing and just plain bad I had this sweet baby pulling all the broken pieces back together. There were so many times I would think “You’ve got to be kidding me?”  and  “Is this guy for real?” I thought my new husband was never going to get with the program! We still had so much growing to do as a couple. But when I would hold Tris and look into those beautiful hazel eyes everything was worth it. All of the tears, all of painful conversations, all of the fights. He was my reason. I have never loved anyone more. I could have just ran away many times that first year… we were so young and stupid and very selfish. My patients was super short and my exceptions were super high. The first 5 years were full of growing pains for both of us. But we had a family now and I was a wife, that meant something! I was a mom! I AM A MOM! I have the single most important job in the world! I had to keep it together. I have eyes watching and ears listening. I have to protect my family. I needed to fight for my marriage, for me and for my kid(s), giving up could no longer be an option. In my heart I never wanted it be. We did the work and do just that everyday. It’s work but it’s work worth doing. I will give a great deal of credit to Jas for how far we have come and this ride isn’t over yet for us.

Big Picture…

When I look at the picture above all I see is love. Pure innocent love. I made that kid right there! WE created a loving home for these kids, a safe place, full of music, laughing, respect and JOY. It’s crazy much of the time!  And yes, absolutely and I need to learn to take some time for myself (ALONE) and not feel bad about it. But no matter what I’ll always be my kids soft place to fall. I support them. I am their protector and I am so blessed to be their mom. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Jas, my husband, my teammate for life, my friend, my rock and my heart. I wouldn’t change a thing. So the house isn’t always clean. The laundry is never done and won’t ever be, our kids like to rip each other a part and are very good at pushing our buttons too! We aren’t rich and most likely never will be… that’s okay. I have traveled the world with you. I have walked through parks at night with you. Cheered on our Denver Broncos with you! I have fought illness and surgeries with you. We have dealt with family issues that we should’ve never had to deal with together. We have laughed till we’ve cried together. Explored and went on many adventures together. We have brought two amazing, smart and kind children into this world together. We have made some very hard and painful decisions together. We have protected each other by taking on painful information or a decision ourself to save the other person from pain. We had celebrated and experienced many “first’ together, no matter how scary or exciting. We have also mourned loved one and said good-bye to many things, people, and places in our life as well. There has been love and pain and we have held on to each other through it all.  No one can say we haven’t loved each other enough and fought hard enough. We have and we do. Thank you for sticking in there with me.

Life…