I’m super late responding to this honor and it’s not because I’m not so tremendously grateful. Life have just gotten ahead me yet again! I am thankful and love doing these awards! With all that said lets’ get to it!
I have received this special award from a blogger who has truly kept me going in some of toughest times…whether they know it or not. So thank you! God puts people on our path just we need them!
Answer the questions you are asked ( if you’re comfortable doing so!)
Create 5 questions for the bloggers you’ve nominated.
Nominate at least 3…no more 10 bloggers for the Special Blogger Award.
Comment on your nominees most recent blog post to let them know you’ve nominated.
Have fun
Are you a Generation X, Generation Z, millennial, etc.. what do you think about it and how does this make you feel?
Well, I think I’m Gen X and I am 100% very good with that!
What are the little things that make you, you?
I cry easily and am also so hardcore at the same time. I’m strong and such baby. I feel other pain so much that it will effect me to the core. Yet, I strong and don’t feel physical pain like I do emotion.
What post (whether your own or someone else) tells most about you?
100% the sun! If I go to many without seeing or feeling the sun I become depressed!
What is your best advice to anyone about anything?
It’s some of the best advice I ever got and it has nothing to do with writing.
Discipline your children the same no matter where you are.Be the same parent at the store, at school, with your neighbors and in your home, then your kids will know you’re not pretending with them ever.
I sat back waiting to board our plane and I felt overwhelmed with joy as I watched my kids eye swell with tears of happiness.
All three of us have missed home, Colorado. Missed my Dad, my Mom, Grandparents and my Aunt so much. I miss my friends!
Landing In CO
It was awesome to get to my parents house. I was so excited to see my sister and her kids! The sound of the cousins playing together is the best sound ever!
My sister and I went to get coffee and talk for a bit. We stopped in and saw my Mom at her work to surprise her! It was a good first half… kind of day.
Next…
The next day 7/10 is my birthday and I’ll share that with y’all in a few.
We also planned a trip to Wray, CO 7/11 to visit my Grandparents, my Aunt and uncle, and my cousins… Hopefully some close friends!
Jason is actually doing quite amazing on his own in California and I’m so proud of him! I miss him too pieces and I knew that I would! I know that we are using this time apart wisely and when it’s time for us to come back together we will be even better than we could ever have imagine! #dreamteam #forlife
Sorry I don’t have a Lot of links to share with you on this post but it’s got to be quick! I’m just doing this from my phone on spur of the moment. I hope that you enjoy these posts and that you’ll stick along for the ride!
How times just whips by when I think about these babies. They said it would, I didn’t believe them at first. Those first weeks of sleepless nights dragged on into months of 1am dirty diapers, feedings and crying for both of us. At the times it seemed like it was going to be that way forever.
Like it was yesterday…
Only 4 or 5 short months of marriage, I was pregnant with our first child, Tristan. I remember thinking “How could I actually be pregnant?”- At 25 years old I still felt so adolescent myself. How could I keep another human alive?
Tristan just seconds old
New Mom with her new baby
Tristan as a Pre-schooler
Enjoying Life
Root Beer Float Huntington Beach CA
Poppy and Trist
Best smile ever
First days on the beach CA
Five pregnancy test later the truth was reviled! On my break from work, in a bathroom stall is where I found out I was indeed going to be a Mom. This wasn’t the way you discover your newfound parenthood in the EPT commercials or in the movies at all but either way my life was about to change forever.
Our little family…
Our little family was just, Jason, me, Tristan and a black lab named Buddy for 5 years. Tristan was the one and only Grandson and I might add first boy on my side of the family! In a sea of girls, I believe my Dad was over joyed to have a boy, finally! He was and still is in so many ways everyones pride and joy. The first baby we welcomed to the family. Tristan got to experience being an only child for a good chuck of time! Tristan having all the attention for 5 years of his life and then only dealing with “useless” babies after (which all came at the same time), there’s no doubt he reaped every benefit of be the first!
I had never loved anyone or anything more in my entire life.
Raising my first Child and caring for his every want and need was my full time job, along with working outside of the house. New Mom, new wife, new home-owner …new at being a “real” adult! I was failing a lot.
I gave every ounce of myself to loving this little person and being this new married-person. Tired all the time! Not just sleepy, I mean exhausted! The kind of exhaustion that makes you feel sick in your head and sleeping on a busy highway would be welcoming! That was me for a few years!
Lonely, I did this new parent thing mostly by myself. This was one of the scariest and saddest times I can think of. Although, I have blocked out many details of those years, what I can tell you is those years were not what I had planned for myself or for my child at all.
Lost, I had no clue what I was doing 100% of the time, this hasn’t changed much at all. I had never cared for a baby before and especial the way I feeling. Everyday I was put in some weird situation that I didn’t know how to handle and I just hoped for the best.
I know without any doubt that every scared, fearful and unsure, sleepless moment has been worth it to just have this amazing kid in my life. Strength in this knowledge that I hold on to in my half melted brain and full heart of all I have withstand; I have no hesitation that the next years will be an amazing experience raising and continuing to growing this child into a man.
God has blessed me all the way, even when my eyes were too blurred with tears too see and my heart was too broken to feel it. I may be guessing and praying my way through this parenthood thing but I am loving and growing my kid the best I know how through this crazy world.
Parenthood is Hard…
Parenthood is hard and especial hard with your first child. You really have no clue what things are ahead of you!
The never sleeping (ever again in life), being peed on, popped on, bath time screaming, carseat screaming, I don’t like where the sun is in the sky screaming, screaming for no reason at all and boob pain.! Good Lort…the boob pain! Actually all the pain! My body has changing forever. Goodbye waistline, goodbye toned legs and abs, goodbye brain.
This kid is now a teenage. A smelly, dirty, very expensive and at times hard of hearing teenager. I love’em, even smelly. As a teenage he comes with new things…still much like the infant and toddle years but an older version and maybe not as cute. Still eating large amounts of food and is pretty messy about it! He still pees everywhere but has improved, it’s at least in the bathroom and not on me anymore! Tristan still has food on his shirt always. I still clean up after him… probably more than I should!
The improvements, he does now shower on his own… when he showers and can be quite handy when I need someone to take out the trash! Tristan is actually terrible strong too! He can lift or move heavy things around the house and even mows the lawn now! He is helpfully in plenty ways and I am so thankful for that! Plus he makes really good coffee!
He’s the best kid I could ever ask for! Blessed with the best humor, Tristan makes me laugh everyday! Tristan has a fair amount of similarities as me, he love animals and the outdoors. He’s witty and it can comes off as very… very sarcastic. He’s an amazing artist and actually has many talents! Tristan is the kind of smart that the average person wouldn’t understand but like me, he also has trouble believing in himself. I only wish he saw in himself the way that I see him! The way he sees the world is a true gift and I hope he never loses that! Tristan’s an emotional, sensitive and sentimental guy. People that feel that deep have trouble in the world…I know.
Someday he’s going to be the love of some sweet girls life but for now he is mine. He can be bit obsessive like his Dad, just enough that it creates passion in him. The mix of the way he feels the world so deeply and his huge heart, which he gets from his Dad, he’ll be just fine. I have a good one…a smelly one but he’s still pretty awesome!
Where did the time go…
Where did the last 14 years go? What did we do with it? It’s crazy as kids, time seems to drag on forever but once we reach what we thought was going to be “freedom”- our adult life, time passes us by in a blink of an eye. Faster and faster… until one day it’s gone. I want to make the most of the short years we have. It’s gone before we know it.
Tristan
Tristan hold on your young years and enjoy life. Don’t grow up too fast. Enjoy being a kid as long as you can. You’ll have your whole life to work, for now learn to be happy. Find out what’s gonna do that for you. Being a good human is a good place to start and you’ve got that down… don’t lose that deep, caring, old soul of yours.
Always be grateful. Be thankful for the people, the places, the lesson, (yes, even the hard ones), and the memories. Make sure you tell the people you love and appreciate, how much they mean to you. It’s important you don’t assume they already know. Take care of yourself and others. Remember to keep your faith strong, it’ll get you through anything! You’re a very special person and an amazing talent! Believe in yourself, you have so much to offer. I love you so much buddy.
Last Day Of 7th Grade
Forever ago…
Time is all a blur to me now. I get flashes, maybe bits and pieces of lost memories and I feel guilty that I don’t I have clear memories of passed years. To me without pictures it’s as if our lives never happened at all or maybe it’s all a dream. When I really sit back and I think hard, trying to grab a foggy memory, I get a few wispy reminiscences like breeze blowing by and then it’s gone. The only ones that really stick out to me are the ones of the kids and even those without the pictures would cloudy.
There’s full chunks of time I have completely lost and wonder why? Genuinely, I have block some out as protection for myself or the memories fell out, just wasn’t anymore room in my head.
Some of my most important times in life I have very little recollection of at all. Example, my wedding is super spotty in my mind and without the pictures I would only have a select few memories and not all are very good unfortunately. I have one very important moment and it’s possibly the most important one and not too many people know about it.
Then of course there’s the birth of my first child and I’ve told ya’ll about all I remember about that. I left out a few details but that’s about it. I do however have a few sweet memories that I hold close to my heart that others weren’t ables to tainted with their own selfish wants or demands. Those memories are like movies in mind and I will treasure them forever. I won’t let anyone dirty them. I wish I could remember clearly but maybe as I make peace with some pain and stop allowing myself to be hurt the years will come back?
This brings me fast-forward to 2010 and our family of 3 becomes a family of 4 and one black lab.
A wild child…
Last Day Of School For G
Peace Out 2nd Grade CA
I had no idea what kind of free-spirt, wild, handful we were going to get when I became pregnant with my second child. We were about to get a completely different experienced then we had with Tristan… basically everything we thought we knew with Tristan, meant nothing.
Our Family was growing…
In 2010 Gracie…AKA Princess Gigi Buttercup or simply known as G, came in like hurricane and has been rockin’ our world ever since. She didn’t start off that way though, as an infant to about 10 months old; Gracie was a quite and sweet, cuddle baby. I know now she was just taking it all in, waiting for her moment. She was planning…
Do ya’ll remember Jack Jack from the Incredibles when his family finds out about all his crazy new superhero powers? Well, that’s Grace! She’s a sweet, funny, smart, nightmare who will knock you out and do your make-up perfectly. What a beautiful mixtures of wind and rain, night and day, a raging storm and a sunny spring day…that’s my girl. God bless the man she marries.
Once this kid started talking she never stopped and she continues to chatter way to this very day. For almost 9 years now, she’s been waking up early and happy, sing and dancing every single day. Once she got a taste of life, she’s been full blast ever since. I’m not sure the rest of us will be able to keep up with her.
I wanted to really hold on to the baby and toddled years with her for a few reasons. One reason, was I felt like I rushed through those years with my oldest. I had to work like crazy with my oldest and I did all the parenting alone with Tristan, so I really wanted some relief back then.
The other reason and biggest, was the first year of G’s life, I wasn’t there much. I was sick to point I thought I was dying. I was given adrenaline to keep my heart beating. (I’m convinced my own life is killing me slowly) -When I say I was sick, I mean seriously the sickest kind of sick! Hospitalized for weeks at a time for over a year while my little girl was trying to figure out the world. I spent so much time away, unable to bond with my new baby.
When at home I carried around a bag of pee because I had a catheter in, super inconvenience when your also holding a baby. I still had to work during this time too… so as you can imagine I wasn’t love’in life!
Honestly, I have very little recollection of 2010-2012. I’m sure it’s a defense mechanism for me. Even now writing about it I’m getting shaky… Shit, I need to get some therapy.
One things I remember, is doing her hair every single day. Sick or not I did her dark beautiful hair everyday. It may not look it here in these pictures but Grace was born with a head full of beautiful jet black hair and the most perfect tanned skin ever. She was so different then my white, reddish haired Tristan. My favorite thing in the world is brushing her beautiful hair to this day .
Having a strong Mother-Daughter bond is so very important to me. We are not in a competition. We’re not besties. Grace and I are something much greater than that and it’s priceless. I did everything in my power to savor every little moment as a Mom of a little girl and I still do. Every chance I got I did what I could to love her my best. Even though she pushes my buttons like no one else can, she’s a rare diamond and I love that about her. It makes me crazy but I love it!
Lil Mama Gigi
Beach Day sassy face
Working on You Tube
Concert in Simi Valley CA
Love you CA
Jason and Gigi at Dinner in Henderson, NN
Henderson, NV
Super hero
Gracie
My lil mama, Gigi Buttercup otherwise known as “G”- Don’t be tamed little girl, always stay wild but don’t think that means you stop listening or caring for what other people think. This means you stay strong, fearless and gracious, kind, loving and patience. Keep doing the hard work, keep learning, fight hard, and explore farther. Don’t let anyone in this world or others ever tell you that you can’t do all these things. You are meant to do great things and I know this because I see you doing them now. Don’t you ever forgive who you are and the higher power who gave you life. And lastly, when life gets tough…and it will, hit your knees and start praying. The answers you need you’ll find in Him. Love you forever G,
Now this sassy girl 9 years old… going on 21 most days, is closing one book and opening another. I’m so honored to be apart of it. How the days with her have flown by so fast, before I know it she’ll be off to College. Knowing her she’ll be doing something very unconventional and be amazing at it! I can’t believe I held this girl in my arms, a tiny baby and now she’s watching make-up tutorials on how to get winged-eyeliner on fleek or Mind Craft videos.
Time goes by…
As the time goes by and I look through these pictures and try to hold on to some good memories, I can’t help be forced to hold on a little tighter to the present. Yesterday is already gone. Did I use it right and purposeful at all?
Chances are I did not. I’ve spent the last 2 years and 6 months starving for a feeling. A feeling that I’m not even sure I can fully put in to words. I’ve been spending too much time in regrets and wishing so badly I would have done more or at least something different “back then”- We all probably could have done better when we look back at our lives but I am spending far to much time there in the back on my head.
The last few months I have tried to be a bit more mindful of what others are saying around me. I have heard very clearly what’s being said. Some of it’s hurtful, mean, sad and even contradicting but I understand it all. What I find so compelling is we’re not that different in what we feel, what we say and what we don’t say.
The whole time we’ve been desperately missing… no, needing the same things; that feeling of life we couldn’t put a name to (but we need to name it). All of us have felt alone, abandoned, uncared for and even hated at times. There’s a need to have stability and making a real home, a home that is ours and we can grow in. With friends and family to be close, a place we belong and won’t have to leave or ever want too. Freedom to make some decision in our own lives without feeling dictated and trapped. We need to feel safe and sound again, happy and joyful. We don’t feel like us anymore because we aren’t us.
The routines of morning coffee outside on Saturday morning, Church and family dinners, Poppy’s smoked Wings! All unplanned family get-togethers, the random calls from Grandma Meg, “Let’s go grazin’ Guys” (code for I’m hungry). Sunday Bronco games and chili in the crock pot in our home! Jason and I miss our Friday night FireBall shot “to a week well done” and a few cold beers as a bonuses on the patio!
Life wasn’t easier then but it wasn’t a mystery either. Of course there were still some up hill battles for sure but we weren’t doing life alone. And whatever this un-named thing is that makes it worth it, well we had… We don’t have it now. Sadly, we wished that life away and we’re paying for it now. That’s a hard painful pill to swallow.
The never knowing and loneliness too much.
Not for nothing…
As painful as this time has been and as mentally jacked up as I am from it, I’ve earned some valuable lessons from it all because this writing thing really is process for me and it help me untie the knot in my mind. Of course, I hate that we had to learn any of this but I hope that possibly going through this and still currently living it- that in away my kids will learn something too and do better from it. Maybe then they can skip these hard life lesson and just move on to the good stuff.
The lessons for me here are- Be so eternally and utterly thankful for what and who I have in my life that I can’t ever speak one bad word about them because the truth is life can change in a second.
Presence in the moments and living more purposeful. Once upon a time in my life I was able to practiced this like a pro! I lived it well back then but now I’m not so sure how or when I felt off. But this is something that I need to do better for myself and I need to do better modeling this for others. As I am seeing now these moments as fleeting and I don’t want to look back in anymore regret.
Love hard, I don’t think I have really have loved much of anything for awhile but I have always loved my husband and my kids. However, I haven’t been every lovable. Because of this I’ve had the hardest time praying and reconnecting to God. The most important command that God gives us is to LOVE above everything and I haven’t done this well. I haven’t love even myself well or how could I possible show love to others.
**I didn’t actually do this blog on purpose, it just happened. Putting a close to this school year had me really going through all these past years and realizing how fast they have disappeared. Sure, I have a few not so great memories in the past but now focusing on the good ones made me have me wanting more of them.
smiling always
L.O.V.E
Beach Ca with G
Simi Valley CA concert
MN besties
Ok..G that’s not a rock and it can’t come with us… no
Jason and the kids @ Oxnard beach, CA
While out Looking for a sweet place we celebrated National Pizza Day @ Toppers Pizza
Aaron being the best doggy sitter ever!
sweetest friend
Tristan’s 13th birthday
Aaron & Katie The Coolest
One of our last nights together in MN @ The Junk Yard
Some times you just get lucky! Reese and Gigi really did!
North Dakota Adventures
Boston
My One solo trip to CO
Sofia and me
Father’s day surprise trip CO
Jess and me Sisters
Best trip ever WA
Newbury Park, California enjoying the pool in our temp-housing pool
Itasca State Park, MN
Itasca Stata Park, MN
Itasca State Park, MN
Oxnard, California
Oxnard, CA
Oxnard, CA
Finally had made it CA
Tristan and me finally enjoying some dinner some of the Mexican Food ever in Nevada
Jason and Gigi at Dinner in Henderson, NN
Dillion Lake, Colorado
Tristan and his Buddy, Dozer leaner to skip rocks on the lake. Dillion Lake, CO
Stretching the legs
Wesley, Tristan and Gigi Lakewood, Colorado
Meeting Aunt Jessie for breakfast in Lakewood,CO before hitting the road for CA
Visiting My some of my very favorite people on this earth my Wray/Magruder Fam in Wray, Colorado
Sleepy dog
A boy and his dog
After along and terrible day of having the mover/ packing people at our housing (destroying) out things this is us…perfectly…my poor sweet babies.
Gigi and I hanging out…being us
Tristan and Aunt FIsha ( my sister Melissa) In Boston, MA 2015
One of the best trips/ camping adventures we ever went on! South Dakota 2016
This was our house in Moorhead, MN
DL to Locals otherwise known as Detroit Lakes, ND
Gigi, DL North Dakota
DL, North Dakota Tristan and Jason Shoreside grill
Itasca State Park, MN Tristan And Gigi 2017 trying to not get eaten alive by mosquitoes
Me and my lil dude in Colorado…my last day at my perfect job. PEPEC in Park, CO. I miss that!
Thanks for reading through and taking the time. Life is a process and I sure am going through mine!
In the last 2 years I’ve experienced somethings that have really changed my laugh and broken my smile…literally! Thank you Bell’s Palsy!
The amount of change, worry, fear, loneliness and control over every decision made over my life has really crippled me. I hate the person I have become. Never in a million years did I think I would end up this way. I have really confused love.
I’m not sure what’s best for me anymore and that’s a scary thing. I’ve been so isolated and drugged quite frankly that allowing someone to pull the strings has been easy. You don’t realize it’s even happening because every word I eat up and it’s so easy to spin a web in my head. It’s sadly so effortless for me to let challenges go or take the blame, feel the guilt.
Let’s be honest my mental state has been weak for some time now. I have basically disappeared in my life and in my families life in most ways. Sure I take up space and they need me to do things for them. God knows they would starve without me. I’m here to lend an ear and I enjoy our conversations. My sisters always manage to get a laugh out of me here and there. But just because I’m alive doesn’t mean I’m living. I’m not and haven’t been.
6 months
The last 6 months may have been the worse yet. The only time in my life since high school that I have thought it’d be fine if I was dead. It’s terrifying when you are able to convince yourself that the world will be fine without. Someone will take over and handle your position. I was okay with, it was weird like I came to peace with it. For awhile when these thought would creep in my head I’d cry and get real sad but after awhile I’d think, “What will be, will be.” and I just didn’t care anymore.
I can honestly say the lack of love and care that I have received, along with not having the ability to control anything over my life has made me stop caring about my life at all. It’s like I’m walk around in a very bad dream but other times ( and most of the time ) I feel like I’m watching myself in someone else’s dream.
1 1/2 month
Now, I have had some tiny sparks of life here and there in the last month or so. Like a dead person being brought back to life but not fully. Maybe it’s going to be a process after being part of the walking-dead for long.
I have started to talk a little more and conversations about important topics are now happening, which is why it makes me absolutely insane when I’m told I’m not talking and/or my words start to get turned around or used against me.
I’m making good progress here but I see that door still. It’s just over my shoulder and I look at it often, it’s not far away. I could walk through it at anytime, shut down and go away and stop all this if I wanted to. That’s something I could do. They don’t know what it takes for me every second not to.
Sometimes I feel like I’m be taunted.
There are times I find myself crawling back into bed but only for a moment. I just need to give my mind a little break. Break from the needs and wants of everyone. I can’t do much for myself but I can go lay down for just minute. I can give myself that.
Sure, it pisses everyone off because they want me up and doing things for them or at the very less giving them my attention. “Give me a freaking second!”, I yell and then they do but my made to feel the worse Mom ever for it… usually. Being mental disabled is exhausting.
However, I’ve been better about trying to keep the laundry up and the house mostly clean. I read to my kids just about daily and have taken them to the library a few times now ( outings were hard before ). Making dinner and planning ahead has been easier to do most the time. I have my moments but I get it done.
To all of you this may sound obvious… may be not a big achievement. If I read this earlier in my life I would have thought this person was pretty pitiful, “You can’t cook dinner and you’re able to now read to your kids?” What the hell is up with that? I know it’s crazy but I’m not who I was and every month, every day, I’m a new person and I’m fighting a new and terrible freaking struggle that I never imagined.
Now and Moving Forward
As you saw at the top of this post there’s a music video by the artist/musician NF www.nfrealmusic.com
I like all music and I’ve written about that before, though rap isn’t everyones cup of tea I understand. However, I have a weird connect with NFs’ work it seems. Maybe we are just both really messed up people wanting to not be and he just happens to be far better at words than I am.
I listen to each word, each song and I think YES! That’s what I’m feeling but I didn’t know how to say it or how to explain it to someone else. His music has been good for me to share to help explain how I feel but also to be better.
You should smile more. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you talk to me?
When you’ve been down that road so many times…you know your words evaporate into air, no ones really hearing you. It’s been hard for me to explain myself because I really want someone to talk to me, not at me. I want someone to care but not dictate my every move. And for F-sakes, sometimes I’m not thinking anything…I’m just being. Please forgive me if a genuine smile doesn’t come easy anymore. I’m a broken person.
The thing I have found as I battle, is we are all a little broken. Some are better at hiding it, others moving pass it and heal it, then theres me. I’m like waves in the ocean. One minute I feel like I’m healed…my brokenness is mended but then the next I’m a raging storm. I can move mountain, destroy buildings, reck my very soul and then theres this very creepy and eerie stillness that comes…I know this stage all to well and this part of me is probably the most dangerous time for me.
I’m distant, silent and still, as if I don’t exist at all. You’re not sure if the storm has moved on and the sun will soon come out or if round two will rear it’s ugly head. This non-movement can go on for weeks, months…my mind is busy convincing me that this is what it’s like without you… I don’t need to be here…. walk through that door… just go and end this pain.
At that point I am basically dead, a lifeless corpus just going through the motions but just hardly. I’m waiting for it to end…hoping God will just jerk the wheel because I’m too scared to do it myself. There’s still apart of me that wants to live and even misses that feeling of joy. I’m sure after awhile of my miserable lethargic disappearance that the “living” people around me start wishing for the storm to return, at least than you’d know I’m alive and fighting for something. I start wishing for it too.
As of now and the last few weeks I’ve been praying and reconnecting spiritual. I never realize how hard it’s be to reconnect to God after being so far away from Him. I’ve always had a very strong faith even in the hardest of times. I can’t put my finger on why things have slipped away….why I have slipped away. I guess it way so gradual that I didn’t see the distant until I was so far away that I couldn’t see Him, feel Him and I didn’t think of my spiritual life at all.
The last thing I want to be is a person who only calls on God in a crisis. I can’t deny I’m in a crisis and I’m calling on Him… a lot. I’m rebuilding that relationship and trying to find my place again. I guess if being in the totally nightmare was Gods way of shaking the shit out of me and wake me up then I’m glad for it. Don’t get me wrong…I’m done with this lesson…I don’t want to learn anything else.
Baby steps it is. I’m slowly gaining my confidence back and trying to take my life back. I know in this process I may have to make some hard calls but I’m willing to do it. No one said this was going to easy and I wasn’t going to be uncomfortable trying to figure this out but it’s a means to an end. I have to aim at something, Arise and go! The wondering and being lost is over. I want to have some control and have peace.
My faith was shaken and maybe even gone…defiantly on pause. That needs to be reignited for sure and number one. The rest will come and I am getting it in order. I am, I promise.
Living arrangements, I’ll be totally truthful… you all know about as much as I do on that. I could be sleeping in my truck…hell I don’t know. But I do have some choices to make. There’s a few other things that need to happen first before that can be talked about.
When the conversation happens I need to stay calm…I need to stop crying.
My marriage…well it’s comes and goes. We both want it to be good and we have love for each other so that something. But the sweet unstoppable friendship we had. That wittiness and closeness that no one could break… It’s not there. I have hope we’ll get that back and that this stress of life has just weighted us down and broke us sadly. As we lighten our burdens and move forward things will get better and we remember the way we were maybe it will be better, stronger. I only hope.
Lastly, I want to include one other NF video that really hit me. I don’t want to just walk through this life asleep, numb and waiting for my real death. I want to live and love to my real potential and stop letting anyone hold me back from that.
This Mother’s Day I would definitely describe as sweet and beautiful. Maybe even bittersweet at some points.
I know a lot of effort was put into this Mother’s Day. It was hard to pull it together with our situation. Finances and expenses here in California have been seriously hard to adjust to. Damn near impossible actually! Plus we’re still working on relationships stuff. Not to mention really tighten up the parent reins! We’ve been seriously out of touch as a family with all this other junk going on. All that combine makes for a difficult situation… but not in possible one.
I think what Jason planned, was probably the best for all of us! We all needed to get out of the town for a little while, exploring a new place and kind of getting out of our heads.
Going North
Travels north through San Luis Obispo up to Pizmo beach
I have a slight obsession with the orchards. Rows and rows of fruit trees forever! Mostly we see apricot trees but there are tons of orange, lemon, lime, pomegranate, fig and avocado tress too. It’s so awesome!
In Colorado you’re pretty lucky if you get edible apples on your apple tree! To see all these fruits trees for miles is pretty spectacular. And to know that it doesn’t just feed a family, these trees feed tons and tons of people everywhere.
There’s also fields that go on forever of strawberries. 🍓 It’s pretty surprising all the agriculture here. I would’ve never guessed!
I guess I should’ve known that lots of fruits and vegetables come here (Southern California) but in my mind it was all about Hollywood, celebrities and beaches! Not that that isn’t a big part of this place because it is. It’s just that there’s so much more than just that.
Entering The Mountains
It was nice to get a sense of home. Some times I feel like I’m homeless.
There were definitely times that if I didn’t know I was in California, I could’ve sworn I was in Colorado. Maybe there weren’t as many Pine trees everywhere but the beauty was there and even the crazy drivers!
It was a great drive and so much beautiful scenery everywhere. We were surrounded by gorgeous hillsides, mountaintops, trees and other amazing colorful plants. California is truly a beautiful place. I could never deny that.
However I couldn’t help feeling this pain in my chest as we curved through these beautiful roads. I know in my heart that place is tearing my marriage and family apart. This might sound dramatic… I’ve been called worse… but I feel this place the devil in disguise.
Totally mesmerizing us with its bewitching scenery and alluring weather, why would you ever want to leave? I absolutely see why people move here and scramble to make ends meet to live in this place. Sometimes I feel like it’s not real… until I meet some other people. Then reality hits… hard.
I did all that I could to clear my head and stay of out this negative place. All I want and frankly needed, was to be in the moment with my husband and my kids.
Fog and The Hills
The story book like hills of Ojai
The twisty curvy roads are just crazy here! They do make driving interesting. Actually when no one else is on the road trying to push you off the road, it’s really fun to cruise up and down these canyons.
I love how the dense fog would settle into the valleys. The fog was so heavy that it soaked the air. Everything looked so storybook like.
We were able to pull over so I could take a few pictures but it was tricky. Even though these roads were so steep and so curvy people still decided to drive very fast through them. Which made pulling over to take a picture quite dangerous.
It was still pretty amazing watching the land and sky collide.
Farm land and Moo Cows
Santa Maria was a smaller Community as we continue to head north.
We did a quick stop here just to stretch our legs. Even though this was a short stop, I have to admit it was nice to see this place as it reminded me of the small town of Wray CO.
A large part of my family lives there and I miss them so much! Of course Santa Maria wasn’t quite as flat as Wray is but it still sparked a little bit of home for me. It also made me miss it a little more to.
The whole drive gave me time to think about many things. Which triggered me to miss many things as well and that only made me more frustrated!
I started to worry the only way I’d ever get “home” would be for a funeral. This is such a fear of mine. Every time I think about this I only get more and more angry and feel more and more resentful.
I want to explain just one reason why… I have many reasons but here one:
A few months back a close friend our Jason and ours died. This person at one time almost married my sister and was my child Godfather. He was also a childhood friend of my husbands. We sadly had to step away due to very different ways of lives we were all living. Even though we still loved each other.
When this person passed away we both wanted to be there for the funeral, our friends and the family. This was so shocking for all of us.
However as we looked at everything we knew it would be expensive and difficult for both of us to go.
I could have pushed the issue with Jason. I had ever reason to be there too. However, I knew it was important to get Jason there. This would help his mental state and Jason needed his friends in this moment more than I did right then. I needed to sacrifice going to Colorado for him so I did.
I wish that I was given that same courtesy and respect once in awhile. Have time and freedom has been missing from my life since the day we left Colorado and I need time away. Visiting my family and my friend to mentally regroup would do wonders for me. I never get this… I never GOT this.
These are the type of thing that send me down the rabbit hole and I get myself spinning. I started to feel completely trapped, controlled and child-like. Resentment hits me.
This is the bitter-part.
Time for grub and drinks
Finally getting San Luis Obispo and enjoying a cold one! Finally!
First of all I about died when I saw they had a drive-thru movie 🎥 theatre! This was parts of my childhood and it makes me truly sad these theaters are gone! Seeing one that was playing relevant movies made my LIFE! I wish we could have gone! I want to do to this!
The bar and grill, Central Coastal Brewery is actually owned by a guy Jason use to work with. This place is pretty awesome!
The brewery system is truly a sight! There’s a game room that puts all other game rooms to shame! This isn’t a cheesy over top kiddy place, it’s adult style gaming area, with pool tables, shuffleboard and other board games.
There was an outside bar and although I didn’t get to explore the backyard/patio area in depth (due to construction) what I did see was beyond awesome! I definitely could have a good time there!
The bar inside is massive! There were plenty of beers and other mixed drinks to choose from! The atmosphere as a whole is great!
As for the food I only got an appetizer and my son and Jason got burgers. We got 2 hot soft pretzels with mustard and beer cheese and I believe some type of spicy burger. We also had Potnacho… what this is basically is nacho on really crispy potato chips. It was super yummy and now I want to make my nachos this way forever!
We had a good time here!
Change of Plans… Kinda
Beautiful Pismo Beach and an old naked ass…
We drove through Pismo Beach and it was a really nice place. It looked… um… expensive.
We decided to find a place we could hike that my daughter could manage with her lovely cast. (Have I mentioned, she has a broken hand?)
Jason thought we’d try Avila Beach. We have never been and probably won’t go again.
It was a good little hike with kids, especially with it been so hot out that day. Who knew that by the time we got to the beach part we’d be greeted by a warning sign.
I kinda thought it was a joke. We decided to see if we could actually get Grace down to the beach and back up when all the sudden I look over and see the oldest hippie…. a 90 year old man pulling off his pants. My head immediately looks over to Grace! Her eyes are wide open and she looks like she saw a ghost. I grab her a turn around.
It was only a second but it’s burned in my head and I’m sure G’s too. Nude beaches in California? Really!
So out of all the bodies on that beach the 90 year old is the one to strip down…. fabulous! After that we hiked it on out of there and headed back home.
Conclusion
This day road trip was really sweet and I love Jason for giving us all a good day together. He did such a nice thing for all of us.
Even with this very sweet trip and seeing more of just how beautiful California is… I can’t help but feel even more homeless, even more lost.
I know that wasn’t Jason’s intension with this road trip at all, for me to become so deep in thought; but honestly, I think he feels the same way.
We miss our friendships and family. We’ve dead broke here! Happiness is hard to come by. I’ve basically been in turmoil ever since I felt Colorado. Life has been a bitch.
I can name a few good things… it hasn’t been all bad. We did have some good times in Minnesota and made some awesome friends. We have made some great memories together as family. The kids would have never been able to see all the things we have shown them without this crazy life. I’m glad and thankful for all the good moments and even the lessons.
The hard part is what this has done to me mentally. I’ve been broken. It’s crazy how time and experiences can change a person so much you don’t recognize yourself anymore.
Our drive on Mother’s Day gave me so much time to reflect and think. The conclusion for me is I’m sick on feeling homeless and I want to lay down some roots. I miss my sisters and my nieces and nephew. My kids should be able to know their cousins and have good relationships with their grandparents. I miss my parents and I miss Jason’s mom too! We’ve always been pretty close and you know what! Time is passing us by, they’re getting older, we’re getting older and we’re wasting all of this time, just hurting and being broken.
I’m just writing to y’all just like the old days 😉
I know that I’ve been kind of throwing up 🤮on y’all lately. My vibe has not been the best. 💔
I’m so appreciative to have this outlet. Writing has always been a good way for me to get things off my chest and out of my head.🔏🔓
Sometimes things are just so confusing that I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Writing has been a great way for me to process issues. Honestly, it can makes things more confusing at times.😔 Other times it’s a way to release the pain. I need that.
I always enjoy hearing back from y’all! I want to know what you 🤔 think! The encouragement and perspective has really helped me! I don’t feel as alone.
I know not everybody feels that way…not everybody wants me to write about what’s going on in my life or how I feel! Who can blame them! We’re dealing with some ugly stuff and I’m not living this life by myself. I do usually try to be discreet. But sometimes I just can’t.
The fact of the matter is I have a lot of regrets. I want to take them as lesson and do better in the future. That’s really hard when you’re living in the eye of the storm. It truly sucks.
Not on the same page and bad communication, nothing is matching up. It’s a consistent uphill battle.
I can want to do better all day long… want a change! But you can’t plant a seed in crappy soil and expect anything to grow.
You could water it…you could give it sunshine! But if it’s dead soil… there’s no nutrition in it than it doesn’t fucking matter; nothing will come of it. Ever.
I’m not saying not to try. I’m not saying don’t be scrappy and do what you gotta do to get by. No, what I’m just saying is sometimes your plans might change. You might to be to plant somewhere else.
Priorities have to change. It’s not all about what The Company wants! I mean… what is the struggle for? We unhappy 🙁 It can’t be all about the money 💴 There’s more to life than that.
The picture is so much bigger. It’s about something different. Something so much more important. I can’t find it here. No one will ever find it here because it doesn’t exist.
And you can’t force this kind of thing. Make yourself believe this is what God wants for you. Your true destiny….your fate. Maybe that seems silly but there is a difference and you life is changed and your see every differently when your walking God’s path… not your path. We’re lost right now. I can’t see shit from here.
I think that we used to have it. I was tuned in and hearing clearly. I was focused. I would have NEVER allowed myself to live the way I am now. Never. I let him put my spark ⚡️out. Once we had a good thing. It was bigger than a house, it was better than fancy cars and no money could ever buy it.
I want that again. But it is not here. This place is absent of that. We are absent of that.
So I don’t care about moving up in a company! I don’t give a shit about lateral moves. All I care about is our souls at this point and mine is fucking sad….mine isn’t the only one that I’m worried about. That’s my only priority. I want to be found.
Greed, money, cars, big houses, fancy clothes and exotic vacations… how could we ever forget about the crazy amount of material bullshit… that’s the God that we serve. Welcome to my new home.
We welcome everyone as long as it’s NOT IN MY BACKYARD…that’s our motto!
Lord, helps us.
So I’m sorry that I’ve been in such a bad place but I’m surrounded by it everyday.
I know that everyone can’t possibly be this way. I’ve met a few nice people here. My coworkers are pretty awesome 😎 I try to focus on the good I found in them. Believe it or not this is me focusing on the good because if I didn’t have at least this…I don’t know what I would do. I’m already bubbling over, my chest feels like I’m having a freaking heart attack every day.
I watched a very shitty women refused to help an elderly lady at the gas pump yesterday and it blew my freaking mind!I wanted to punch her in the throat! Who the hell does she think she is! My mind was blown… I just don’t live in that world. Do you not respect your elders? I wish I would have been closer to help this lady.
I see this kind of disrespect and complete disregard for other human beings every single day. It’s eating at me.
Now I was terrible yesterday too because when I got the chance to finally see this disgusting person, I went off on this chick! She just drove away….you awful miserable cow! I’m still pissed.
Maybe I shouldn’t of said anything, who knows why she decided to be a terrible person. I wasn’t raise that way at all! Honestly, I would have got my ass kicked for acting that way by my parents. You never treat your elders that way!
Always help out if you can, hold the doors and be freaking respectful, have some common sense, it’s not that hard! Treat people like human beings and don’t act like you matter more than someone else because guess what, you don’t!
I’m gonna stop this rambling for now and just apologize for being in such a miserable 😩 place. I don’t like it here either and I’m sure you guys are tired of reading about it.
I really need to change the momentum and I need to be that change. I’m gonna try to do better.
If you believe in this sort of thing or whatever you believe…I’m just asking for some prayers, whichever way you do that. Lord knows I have a lot working against me here.
For more “Meaningful Words To Me” quotes for to my Pinterest page above
To my fellow writing community that messages me…Thanks for being so supportive. It means so much to me. Ya’ll have no idea. You’re getting me through. 🤟🏽
Here are just a few random pictures that I put together of Beautiful California and some people I love very much! 💕
Malibu, Ca
One of our last nights together in MN @ The Junk Yard
🤟🏽🌊💙
Peaceful
To perfect
Sunset like this 🧡
I am excited to finally be able to share our visit/vacation and time that we spent with the Anderson family. It was so good to see them and I hope to do a Vegas trip very soon!
I had a million glitches with my computer and my entire brain, Getting this video together and going threw all the pictures was time consuming but then to have my computer turn against me was infuriating! I finally got hours of video and 100s of pictures all edited and pieced together and it’s DONE! Now if this is any good is another thing…
I know this video is far too damn long (please watch it anyway….please) and please HIT that LIKE button! I need validation…. okay! As much as I could careless if people like…like me (not really, I’m lying)…I would still so LOVE a tiny bit of acknowledgment because I find my self-worth through your validation so for crying in the night help a girl out, if you’re reading https://fabricthatmademe.com/ and my watching my Videos HIT the LIKE!
Like, I said before I know the video is crazy long but The Anderson and Kelly family spent 5 days or so together, there was so much to share! We did some pretty cool things in that time!
Blessed beyond words
I wanna say that I am completely aware of how blessed our family is to have these amazing people in our lives. They could go anywhere they wanted, spend their time and money anyway they please but they choose us. I’m beyond thankful and humbled for our friendship.
All because I had to pee so bad my plans had a bit of a delayed and thank God they did!
Because God delayed me this day and made every bathroom near my workout spot closed, I had to get in my truck and drive to Albertsons to use the restroom and of course while I was there my ADD kicked in…
I had to buy a huge bag of avocado, face wash, a toothbrush, more coffee and a large water. I’m so random.
After all that and an empty bladder, I could finally head to the park to workout. Or so I thought….
Meet Dallas & God At Work
So this a photo from Pinterest but does look like my new friend, Dallas!
As I’m driving down the street, I see the most terrified 100 pound, beautiful dog that I’ve ever seen. I thought to myself this dog has to belong to someone, no one would let this poor baby go free on purpose!
I slowed way down and drove slowly next to him. I could see this scared pup was trying to get into the gated neighborhood but couldn’t. Every time a loud, fast car or school bus would fly by, would start to panic and head into street. I just drove slow next to him for a bit which was good because he crossed into the street and I would block other cars from hitting him.
Finally as we approach the intersection, I couldn’t wait anymore and I jumped out of my truck to go to him. “Come here baby”, I would call to him and at first he didn’t seen sure but after a few seconds he made his way over to me and let me pet him. What a sweetie! But he was so scared, trembling actually.
I know it may be hard to imagine this huge 100 pound dog being so frightened but in my experience it usually is the big Dogs that are the gentle, sweet, mellow, big cry babies. It’s the small Dogs who are pure piss and vinegar and want to fight! They pack a big punch in their little bodies!
Back to Dallas…now, I wanted to get him in my truck. I didn’t know what I’d do at the point but I knew he wouldn’t get hit by car there or more lost then he was! But as I tried to move his large body closer to my truck he put on the breaks… um HELL NO… DOGNAPPER! Ok dude, I’m think what to I do… then a loud trucks blow by us to let me know how inconveniencing it is that my truck is parked on the side of the road. ( You showed me…Ass.) This caused Dallas to freaks out and started to jog down towards the intersection!
Crap! Crap! Crap! I was thinking this is bad, he’s going to get hit! This good thing was this big guy knew that he lived in this gated community and he was trying desperately to get back in! The loud cars just would cause hit to panic and lose track of where he was and what he was doing. I think if he wasn’t so scared, he’d made it home.
I found him again trying to get in a side gate. Awe, poor dude!
I again jumped out and he comes to me right away but when I move towards my truck, he basically told me to bug off and he took off.
Damnit! Okay new plan… I’ll stay with him.
He didn’t go far I could see him. I drove up the road more and could see he was now trying to find away through the fence. I again jumped out of my truck and could see he was already on the move. So I just left my door open, keys in the truck and my phone… oops forgot it…I know… what a dumbass!
I walked over to him and then sat on the sidewalk and called over to him. At first he was definitely not going to give me another chance but then the cars were really letting me know how mad they were because my truck doors wide open! This really scared him and he practically jumped into arms. Oh a thank Jesus!
Now slowly…slowly….very slowly we clawed to the driver side of my truck. This took awhile to do, I had to keep talking to Dallas and petting him and letting him know I wasn’t Dognap him! “Please come a little close dude… come on… a little more buddy….”
I stretched a crossed my front seat with one arm while holding tight Dallas collar with the other arm and praying no one would hit us! I reached for my keys and turned my truck off and reached a little farther and got my phone!
Okay! We did it!!! Good boy!!! Then we hurried to sidewalk again and I called the first number on the collar, no answer. I called again, leaving a message telling this person that I had this person Dog. Then I called the second number and did the same thing.
I think it’s important to mention here that I have a different area code then the state that I live in so that’s why they didn’t answer.
I just called and called and called. It felt like 100 times. Dallas and just chilled there on the sidewalk. I grab that large bottle of water I just bought and got him some and it was all gone in a matter of seconds. Our big boy had calmed down soooo much now. I almost had him laying down at one point… then a loud car would go by.
At last!!!! My phone call was answered! I said um, hi… I think I have your Dog. We’re here on the side of the road.
The voice on the other line is panicked “OH MY GOD, IS HE OK!!”
“Yes, He’s good!” …….
Oh sweet Dallas….
After Dallas mom, who I now know as Suzanne, picked up her sweet giant, she called me to explained what had happened. Of course she didn’t need to tell me any of this. I was just so thankful Dallas was with his family now. How often that doesn’t end this way.
Suzanne had so much happening her house and it was about to be power washed. When the generator scared her sweet timid boy which scared him to look for safety by tying to get away from the scary sound… and ended up lost on the other side of the gate.
It’s fine I told her, even after she told me to me I could call her for anything I might need living in this new place. That’s super kind but seriously it’s totally fine, I said over and over. But God makes things work sooo perfectly….
New Hair, DO care!!
Later that night I get a text:
Wow! I really didn’t want to give her the nightmare that is my hair! But she insisted and for free! This is all too much! I didn’t deserve this! I would stop for any and all dogs that I see anywhere. I honestly feel guilty receiving anything for doing something that’s RIGHT.
God’s plans
Y’all know this could not have came at a more needed time in my life.
I’m trying to get my life in order, physically, emotionally, mentally… all around. It’s something I’ve been kinda at war with.
On top of that! I’ve not met too many nice people here at all! This was truly amazing and so kind! Unnecessary but still amazingly generous. Meeting her hair assistant the day I actually got my hair done was one more sweet, genuine person here in California 🧡
Plus, I don’t have many friends really at all and although I can’t say we’re “friends” I do know one more person than I knew before if I have a question about this crazy beautiful place than I knew before and for that I am beyond thankful!
She even invited me and my family to her church. How sweet!
I haven’t felt great with all these moves and not being able to see my family. My health has sucked and to be frank… I’ve been lonely, closed off and unheard.
I’ve only had my dogs through all this. Sure I have my kids but most they have ME. I don’t leave them. But through all this I have no one but my dogs and they have been amazing for me. I hate to admit it but There’s have been times I have felt like even God has looked the other way.
So much has happened. They say it isn’t until you have some distance… sometime to look back to see God’s works that you get to see the big big picture, all His planning. You can see why the pain was there and why you had to go through somethings or leave someone or some place. There’s a lesson in the hurt. If you listen and you trust, faith, I guess… if you let it all flow then the plans of God’s Will for your life will be better than what you ever could have pictures or wanted or even thought for yourself in any of your wildest dreams.
I never thought I’d even like California and I’m finding myself calling these mountains “my” mountains and the ocean is “my” ocean. This place is hard to live in but somehow I’m living here. Not surviving… living… exploring and trying new things and enjoy it.
Sadness happens and I get frustrated at times …who doesn’t. My humanness will never stop.
I’m just happy right now and I’m embracing that and doing everything I can to live everyday that I got loving my sweet animals, my family, the relationships in my life and this amazing place I call home!
I am currently enjoying some much needed time with my people from Minnesota!
I can’t believe they made it here! However it is one of the worst winters in history in the mid-west so I guess I understand why the California sun is calling!
Currently I am working on taking tons of photos and videos! I can’t wait to put it all together to share it with you all!
So… keep a lookout for my upcoming blog/vlog! Hope you enjoy it!
