There are times I find myself learning things the hard way. It feels like I’m constantly being reminded of lessons I should’ve already learned! or worse! Why am I like this? Just endless lessons. Dang, I should know better! Betrayal! I think it is one of the hardest parts of life. Thinking I’ve finally gotten past something and then finding out that isn’t the case at all.
I’ve been through some difficult experiences. There are things that others might not understand or may choose not to face. Being used is a painful feeling. Believing in something, only to discover the opposite. Or trusting people who seemed to be for you, only to realize they were only around when it was convenient. That leaves a mark. The hardest part is when someone knows you’re carrying deep hurt, but it’s easier to pretend it didn’t happen. So, to keep everyone but yourself comfortable or happy, you just fake a smile through it.
One of the traits I dislike most in anyone is inauthenticity. (But here I go with my fake smile.) Would you rather have plastic fruit or the real thing? Real juice or a sugary fruit drink? Fresh veggies from a garden or ones created in a lab? No one likes what’s fake, yet people still hurt each other by carrying a phony persona. My problem is that I keep thinking that I won’t feel it as much one day. The fake won’t bother me. Maybe I will find an environment that suits me and a heart like mine. I’ll react better or be be as blissfully unaware as others seem to be.
A few days ago, I commented that I was meant to struggle. I don’t think my husband fully understood what I meant. It wasn’t a self-deprecating remark at all. I genuinely believe it’s God’s way of keeping me close to Him. The long-suffering spirit, I guess. In my struggles and weaknesses, I’m constantly reminded of the Kingdom. It tunes me like a compass into my true home, to comfort me even through hurt. I’m only passing through this world—I don’t really belong here. My value isn’t tied to what others think of me or any status here on earth. It’s all about God. Jesus is the way.
Being a Christian will never make me more likable. It won’t give me a more manageable path; if anything, it makes living on earth harder. I see more pain and more lies for what they are! This life isn’t for everyone. Living a life in Christ forces me to confront the rough parts of myself. I have to say, “I’m sorry,” take accountability, make changes, and strive to do better. It brings about change, refining, and pruning—and it’s painful. Along the way, I lose people and places, but I gain a more profound closeness to what is real—God things. I am still a whole mess, but I am working on it every day.
At times, I place my trust too freely and find myself misled. I become distracted, disheartened, and even indifferent, merely going through the motions. I neglect gratitude, generosity, discernment, gentleness, and reflection. I forget to pause, to rest, to simply be still. I outgrow my own humility and lose touch with my identity in Christ. I stray from the passions that once lit my soul and the purpose God designed for me. That’s when I know it’s time to correct with Jesus. I need to be in His presence. It’s difficult to admit, but it’s the truth. Have you ever been humbled by God’s hand? It’s rarely pleasant but deeply transformative.
When I’m faced with a challenge, I try to anchor myself by finding three things to be grateful for—no matter the situation. It’s what I call my “silver lining theory.” I take time to reflect on my own role in the issue. But I make sure to look for the good woven into the mess. This practice helps me maintain a healthy perspective as I take personal inventory. There’s always some bad—but there’s good, too. Sometimes, we just have to look a little harder to find it. I’ll do my best to keep that approach in mind as I write this post.
In this post, I’m doing a lot of processing and moving on. I’m taking my licks and saying I’m sorry for my part. But I also want to say that I saw wrong things, and God made me a seer. I can’t help the gifts I’ve been given. Also, I’m still learning how to use them properly. I want to get this out, move past the pain and mistakes, and see both the bad and the good. I want to thank the people who inspired me while being honest about the not-so-great side. So here we go…
I know it might sound crazy, but I’ve seen the signs of where things went wrong. I hated myself for it and my part of the family. Reflecting on my role and understanding where it all fell apart is important for moving forward. But it seems the only one taking accountability is me.
These were things I should have known better. I saw the signs—urging me to pause, to turn around, to rest when I was weary, or to move forward when the moment was right. But I didn’t listen. I was trapped in a cycle of self-pity and survival. That’s what happens when you feel invisible. You overcompensate or put on that fake smile. I was hurting, depleted, and running on empty. And still, even in my mourning, I held onto the quiet hope that renewal was possible.
Being mistreated isn’t okay, not in your family, workplace, or anywhere, but it will happen occasionally. Life is hard, and no one gets a free pass. It’s all about how we deal with it and our reactions. I regretted this because I knew I could have done better! However, I have decided not to keep beating them up anymore after this post. It’s finished. What’s done is done.
First, it isn’t just one thing, one person, or one place. There’s not just a single period of time. It’s a kaleidoscope of muddy water, and I took a bath in it.
I wasn’t the only one there—and I never lied. If anything, I was too honest when silence would’ve served me better. I speak directly, and that can make people uncomfortable. There’s nothing wrong with being straightforward, but I’ve learned there’s a time and place for it. I also should’ve known when to step back. There were moments I wasn’t well—physically, emotionally—and instead of resting, I pushed through. Looking back, I see that I should have paused, allowed myself to heal, and stepped away. Wearing myself thin wasn’t a badge of honor. It wasn’t noble—it was costly. It didn’t serve my family for me to try to be everything and end up feeling like nothing.
I should have approached those challenging moments with a more teamwork mindset. Especially when I felt unfairly treated and burnt out—but I didn’t, and that’s on me. If I felt alone or misunderstood, I should have spoken up instead of suffering in silence. I took on more than I could handle, and it was exhausting. I should have felt safe enough to say, “No, thank you,” without worrying about others’ opinions. I should have been okay with just being me, simple, boring me, without pushing myself to a breakdown. A breakdown no one even noticed or cared about.
My frustration over the lack of pay was valid. However, my reaction to it was misplaced, and it let my team down. I believed in promises too easily, without getting anything in writing—and that’s on me. It was a lesson I already knew, but sadly, had to learn again. Taking on extra tasks in hopes of improving things only brought more stress. It brought me more insecurity, making life harder for both my family and my coworkers. Chasing empty dreams through second and third jobs was a mistake. It left me overworked, emotionally drained, and with a bad attitude. I regret that I didn’t keep my emotions in check—that my exhausted mind and broken heart began to radiate negativity. I hate that. I’m usually a positive person, someone who lifts others up—but in the process, I lost that part of myself.
I should have handled everything with more class, compassion, and grace. Where was my grace when it was most needed? I didn’t even give it to myself! Even in my pain, I should have been better. My reactions caused a spiral, and it’s safe to say some bung to protect themselves through manipulation. It hurt me deeply, but I regret that it happened at all. I wish it hadn’t—neither for them nor for myself. Now, everything feels strained and uncomfortable, and will never be okay.
Some things you just can’t take back—not the words, not the moments, not the choices. And those choices left a mark. The stories that followed damaged my reputation, and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that people will believe what they want. In some situations, I haven’t even had the chance to share my side—so why keep trying? This is where I’ve had to remind myself: there’s only one truth. That’s it. And I have to find peace in knowing that. So, believe what you will—I know where I stand.
I’ve said it a hundred times—I often feel like I’m there for everyone, but no one is truly there for me. So, I keep it all inside. Whether it’s in the workplace or my personal life, I carry the weight of everyone else’s troubles—their complaints, family drama, private struggles. I listen. I care. I show up. And yet, it’s strange… I know so much about the people in my life, but they don’t seem to know much about me.
So, in closing, I’m here to take accountability—to say I got it wrong sometimes, and I’m sorry for my part. I follow Jesus, and I need Him. Without Him, I am nothing. I’m still learning, still making mistakes, and still showing up to do better. I’ve hurt people, and I’ve been hurt, too. But I’m done trying to make anyone understand my side. Believe whatever you’ve heard—because God knows the truth. And that’s enough for me.
SK-
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