Since March I have been keeping a journal of everything that I eat, all symptoms and also my workouts.
Just to fresh anyone who cares… I’m in my 30’s going through menopause! Yay me!
I also have a migraines conditions that can cause a “seizure like” effect on my brain/body if I don’t do everything I need to to control it-which can be tricky.
Recently, my neurologist has been testing and observing me for Belly’s Palsy.
What’sHappening So Far
I turned in my journals to my doctor only Friday (7/8/19), so I’m not sure what she thinks yet. But I’ll tell you I do workout, eat well and take my meds like I’m supposed to.
This makes it very frustrating when my weight only goes up! From December to March I had lost 13 lbs and I was killing my self to get that done.
I woke up at 4am to get to the gym, then I would workout a second time at the park by my kids school. When I was done with that workout I would do yoga at home and then do a long, fast paced walk for 45 minutes to an hour before I pick them up from school. At one point I was doing another decent hike with Jason when he got home from work!
Trust me when I say…I was pissed that I had only lost 13lbs after all that and was only eating carrots and cottage cheese everyday!
Since then I’ve actually maintained that weight loss okay but 3-5lbs here and there will stick around. However, I haven’t lost a single pound since!
My workouts and eating has changed a bit. I couldn’t keep that nightmare up so now I do a light yoga stretching in the morning and at night but have days when I work my core area harder. My new workout routine in more focused and I do it almost everyday, with somedays being longer or shorter than others. I like it but I am not losing and I look that same.
My eating haven’t changed a crazy amount. I fast for long periods during the day and drink lots water. I have had a soda 🥤 or cookie every now and then but I intake far less calories and Still I remain a cow 🐮…well in my eyes.
Hormones & Other Meds
My medications do a lot of good for me and a lot of harm. That sucks!
It’s because of medicine that I’m able to have headaches free days and my body is free of aches and pains. But medicine comes with so many side effects too! I gain weight, my eyes burn, I’m sleepy, forget things and even my writing is effected. My cognitive skills are just slower sadly. My energy is drained.
So then I’m giving another medication and that one should help with one thing but has it’s own side effects too. Stomach pain, dry mouth, stuffy head and mood swings… this is my life!
At some point I have to get off the roller coaster!
What Will I do?
I honestly don’t know what the answer is! I’ve been fighting this for along time. I do my research and I think the doctors try too.
Right now I take only what I feel I need for myself emotionally and mentally. Then there’s what I need because of my hysterectomy. I have to be on hormone replacements for that. The rest is all About healing my body and replacing what is missing. If that makes any sense?
If it’s not going to help me then I don’t want it!
Self care & Meditation 🧘♀️
I use to live be Meditation! This is something I’ve been doing before and after my Bible Study. This has made a massive difference in my health.
I also have started to moisturizer 🧴 like crazy! I use my essential oil everywhere! In the shower, out of the shower, with my face wash, my facial moisturizer and even with my primer before makeup and I cannot believe how it’s helps me.
I use less Advil for pain for aches and pain. I don’t use chemicals on my skin or for breakouts. Honestly, I have so many less breakouts that I don’t worry about that much now.
**Different oils help with different things. Some with physical pain and others emotional/mental pain.
**Helps me to sleep or give me energy
**Helps with focus, concentration and creativity.
**Other times I just use them to be in a peaceful, calming state to relax
How to have confidence my decisions are being made with Gods plans in mind and not my own agenda.
As I have written about in pasted blogs, I’m on a quest to reconnect to my Father Christ. One of the ways that I have been doing this is through reading devotions and Bible Studies on the Bible App
Recently, I finished a few different studies. The first one, titled Make Decisions with Faith and confidence . It was mind blowing just how exact to my life this study was and how much I needed to read every word. It’s amazing how God knows just what we need, when we need it. Every word was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. I’ve said many times how I wish that I could just send a quick email or text to God and get a response right back letting me what to do. Yes, a prayer to God is like sending a text message but most the time the answers don’t come as clear as getting a text back.
The “Try It On” method that the Bible study talks about is such an awesome way to learn how to make choices. This “Try It On” method supports my connection on a clear FM channel verses the static of an AM channel with The Holy Spirit. The “Try It On” method keeps us accountable and keeps us from becoming stagnate in our fear of make a move. We also have to be in-tune with The Holy Spirit, speak the language, have the relationship or “connection”. That’s pretty powerful, I think.
How many times do we question if we’re making the right choice? Or are so scared that we’ll make the wrong decision, that we end up not making any decisions for ourselves at all. I only wish I had read this devotion/Bible Study sooner.
I know I’ve been the victim of my own fears for years! The pressures of worrying that I’ll disappoint others and lead my family down the wrong path. However, when I am sitting in motionless contemplation, purely relying only on my very limited wisdom and over emotional mental state; I’m wasting away! This is just what the enemy wants. He love us to doubt ourselves and to waste away. What decisions are being made when I’m in a holding pattern like that? No progress will ever be made if I am just “thinking” things over all the time? I’m playing right into the enemy’s hands!
Indecision is a decision too and not a good one.
The “Try It On” Method
How to make small steps in a direction and wait on God to speak to you.
The example was perfect, like trying on a shirt before you buy it. You wonder the store looking through the racks of clothes until something catches your eye. Then you find the one you “think” will work and you “Try It On”. You see how it fits, what it looks like on… you decide if this is the right shirt for you to buy. That is pretty much how the “Try It On” process works with everything.
Let try something bigger.
Using the example of moving to the great state of California. 🙄
When we got the news that we were moving to California I started to check out the schools and houses in the area that I thought we might move to. (I of course now would ask WAY more questions than I did before. LESSONS!)
Step 1. As I’m looking for housing -this is me actively taking a step in a direction of moving towards California. I can see that housing is expensive and we can NOT afford to live here on what we make. But I wasn’t listening to God. Next time I will.
Step 2. After we moved toward something, what does it feel like? How rough or smooth is the process going? Do you have a little voice telling anything? I remember I didn’t feel good about moving towards California the whole time it was happening but I pushed on.
I had trouble finding housing, schools for my kids, the packers were awful and they broke all our things. A hundred and one things were going wrong! I had a voice in the back of my head telling me that we shouldn’t do this move but I continued to pushed on. I felt defeated for some reason, like I couldn’t turn back. The worries I had about staying in Minnesota were now much more about leaving there. I wasn’t waiting on God or listening to Him at all.
Step 3. Are you a list person? Do like to write everything out? This is me! List keep me organize and on top of things. What I tend to do when I have a decision to make is write out a Pros and Cons list. This sounds like a reasonable thing to do but what I end up doing is putting all my faith in this list. I’m not listening to God or waiting on Him for direction, only on this piece of paper.
Here’s the reason why the list is wrong.
Sure, it’s good to get your mind calm and organized but not to rely on your list.
I wrote out a Pros and Cons list myself when we were getting ready to move to California. Everything was pointing to Georgia as weird as that sounds. It was loud and clear ( I’ll dive into that later) Here’s an older blog that I wrote when we first started our moving process- Here We Go Again. As much as I was focusing on California everything kept coming back to wait on Georgia (so it felt) but I ignored that.
My list was full of Pros for California and as we now know all our time here has not been good at all. While I was pushing towards California like it was my full time job, ever song was about Georgia, ever TV show, I had friends and friends of friends moving there or had some new connection to Georgia. Pretty soon there were so many things in my ear about Georgia but I wasn’t listening because I was full force to California, even though it felt wrong.
Side note: We later found out that Jason’s mentor and the man who hired him was moved to Georgia as the Zone Manager.
Step 4. Keep making little steps toward a choice while The Holy Spirit directs you which way to step.
Each step I took moving to California was rough and difficult. To say our path was bumping is the understatement of the century. God was clear to us that this was not the right place for us but we made it happen anyway. Now we’re living the consequences for those choices.
Our God is a God of Grace and Mercy. He showed me this time and time again but I wasn’t seeing it. The enemy had control and it makes me sick to think I let that happen.
As I mentioned before I couldn’t find a school that could accommodate my kids needs and this was a struggle for me. There were so many moving part to this relocation and the enemy was good at what he was doing to my mind and heart. I was confused and frustrated! Since I was handling this move all by myself and not leaning on God at all, I felt absolutely responsible for making sure no one was burdened. I wanted to be able to say I was able to do this and made it work. Again the enemy had made me believe that no one believed in me and I wasn’t able.
I received a called from a lady that coordinated our move. I can’t remember her exact title but I remember having a melt down on the phone with her. I was in my car and I had to pull over, I just cried. I told her how difficult this move was becoming and how worried I was about the schools for my kids.
This lady, I believe her name was Pam, was so kind to me on the phone. She made many calls back forth to me for two days and told that although we had already signed our relocation and many thing have already been in motion that we would get one forgiveness. She explained to me that considering everything that I told her, she believes we qualify for that. I didn’t know what to say to her, because Jason was already in California working.
I told her I needed to think about it and I’d call her back. I struggled with what do. I knew with every bone in body I needed to cancel this move but Jason was already in California. He and I barely spook a word to each other, our communication wasn’t great at this point. All I could think about was how disappointment Jason would be that I couldn’t handle this move. I would have failed. I kept replaying Jason firmly speaking to me “If we do this move…Don’t let it come back on me!” Even though I knew I didn’t want this move, I felt like I had to do it now.
I called Pam back and thanked her for all that she had done for me but we were going to move forward. This would end up being some of the worse depression that I have ever been in. Suicidal thoughts, marriage tore apart, kids hanging by a thread, living in an over price house thats failing apart…the list goes on. Jason has his own list of troubles.
Mercies and Grace Never Fail
Although these last ten in a half month were some of most terrible months of my life, coming back from the wreckage I think have made me stronger than ever. It’s weird in a way because I’m still very vulnerable. This is an uphill climb for me but I have never felt more connected, more sure of myself in a long time. That feel so amazing. God isn’t just a God of second chances, He is a God of forgiveness and Love. He came to find His lost. I was one of lost for sure and I’ve been found but still am a work in progress.
At some point I have to arise and go. I have to put a little pressure on the gas petal so God can put my steering wheel to use. At the same time I need to allow the little voice called The Holy spirit to speak to me. When it does, that’s the way the steering wheel should turn.
If I would have listened ten in a half months ago I would have yanked that wheel around! But thankful God is full of Miracles and I truly believe He will turn this very unpleasant venture into something we will end up being very thankful for. I can’t even believe I’m saying that. But With God anything is possible.
Hope you all enjoyed this blog! Thanks for all your comments, LIKES & love along the way! All your encouragement really make a impact as I keep blogging and getting my feet under me!
It’s been years since I’ve had a real hopeful feeling. Feelings of enjoyment, cheerfulness and being positive have been rare. Any confidence at all has been unusual in my world. I can actually pinpoint the times that I’ve felt that good-happy, optimism magical power!
With that said, the last few weeks I’ve had a twinge of looking forward to the future. The hopefulness I’ve had lately is unusual since the last two months is quite possibly the worst days my family have had yet and if I was going to be feeling any way at all, feeling hopeful would be unlikely but here I am.
Maybe It’s Him…
Reconnection and trusting have been the best gift.
It hasn’t been easy reconnecting and finding my way back back to fully trusting again. Praying before I fall asleep, devotions with my morning coffee, Bible Studies and listening to music that encourages me to be faithful. Maybe it’s God.
Maybe I’m able to make it through this difficult time because I have my life preserver back. My Faith. Things are still hard. Really hard actually but I just know somehow it’s not going last. We’re right around the corner from sunshine and being able to breath again. I feel it.
B****hes on a Budget…
We’re broke! Jason has a good job and it’s not just a check to check- J.O.B, it’s a good career. I’m working too! We truly shouldn’t have to live this way. Selling our belonging to get groceries and pay our bills is our new normal right now. We have every right to be upset and frustrated at our circumstance. California has been hard for many reasons but one that has hurt the hardest is in our wallets.
Financially we have taken a huge painful hit! Our credit and our savings….it’s in a sad state now and getting caught back up will be tough. Living here has been eye opening in that way, along with others. But yet, I still feel like we will rise from the ashes somehow.
We’ve had to start over before. There was a time in our life that I thought we’d never never stop treading water. Not only did we come back from that terrible time in our life but we were better than ever. Actually we’ve been in that “start over” place a few times before and every time we come back better than we thought we every could be.
The Good News…
I have had my deep Faith forever, even in my shaky and unstable younger years. Around 6 years old in my Sunday school classroom was when I learned how to pray and who God is. My Faith and belief in God has never stopped since then.
Only since we made the move to California did I struggle so badly that my faith fell away; I barely noticed, it just drifted away. Believing in the existence of God and the word of The Bible hasn’t chanced for me but I guess following and being purposeful changed for me. I wasn’t seeking Jesus out anymore and if anything I think I may have let the darkness in because of it.
Sometimes, I think being so broken (all the time) is what keeps me searching for God and knowing I can’t find my way through this crazy broken place without Jesus. Quite possibly this season in our life might be guiding not just me but all of us back to Him. My whole family.
Bring It All Together
California to Massachusetts to Texas to Colorado to Tennessee to who knows wheres…
Our family is all over the map. This is a hard thing for me when I have lived more years close to family then not. The crazy thing that I’m trying to get my sensitive mind around is that my parents are going to moving out of Colorado, which is my home State. They are selling the house that I lived in half my life.
I believe we all have our path but I also believe even stronger that God is guiding us where we’re meant to be. He is giving us the opportunity to do better right now.
They reason that I feel this way is because LITERALLY 🤯 everyone in my family has a black rain cloud over their head right now. We’re all walking through a storm of a season right now and it basically has been a few years of a rough ride for all of us. Some more than others.
Absolutely, we all need to do what’s best for our life and our mental, emotional health..whatever it might be. However, I believe that what’s happening right now to all of us is….preparing us, it’s teaching us, and again… He is guiding us for something better.
Although we may not ever live down the street again from each other and have family BBQs every week every again, I do believe our relationships and general happiness in life will improve in ways we can’t even imagine.
All because I had to pee so bad my plans had a bit of a delayed and thank God they did!
Because God delayed me this day and made every bathroom near my workout spot closed, I had to get in my truck and drive to Albertsons to use the restroom and of course while I was there my ADD kicked in…
I had to buy a huge bag of avocado, face wash, a toothbrush, more coffee and a large water. I’m so random.
After all that and an empty bladder, I could finally head to the park to workout. Or so I thought….
Meet Dallas & God At Work
So this a photo from Pinterest but does look like my new friend, Dallas!
As I’m driving down the street, I see the most terrified 100 pound, beautiful dog that I’ve ever seen. I thought to myself this dog has to belong to someone, no one would let this poor baby go free on purpose!
I slowed way down and drove slowly next to him. I could see this scared pup was trying to get into the gated neighborhood but couldn’t. Every time a loud, fast car or school bus would fly by, would start to panic and head into street. I just drove slow next to him for a bit which was good because he crossed into the street and I would block other cars from hitting him.
Finally as we approach the intersection, I couldn’t wait anymore and I jumped out of my truck to go to him. “Come here baby”, I would call to him and at first he didn’t seen sure but after a few seconds he made his way over to me and let me pet him. What a sweetie! But he was so scared, trembling actually.
I know it may be hard to imagine this huge 100 pound dog being so frightened but in my experience it usually is the big Dogs that are the gentle, sweet, mellow, big cry babies. It’s the small Dogs who are pure piss and vinegar and want to fight! They pack a big punch in their little bodies!
Back to Dallas…now, I wanted to get him in my truck. I didn’t know what I’d do at the point but I knew he wouldn’t get hit by car there or more lost then he was! But as I tried to move his large body closer to my truck he put on the breaks… um HELL NO… DOGNAPPER! Ok dude, I’m think what to I do… then a loud trucks blow by us to let me know how inconveniencing it is that my truck is parked on the side of the road. ( You showed me…Ass.) This caused Dallas to freaks out and started to jog down towards the intersection!
Crap! Crap! Crap! I was thinking this is bad, he’s going to get hit! This good thing was this big guy knew that he lived in this gated community and he was trying desperately to get back in! The loud cars just would cause hit to panic and lose track of where he was and what he was doing. I think if he wasn’t so scared, he’d made it home.
I found him again trying to get in a side gate. Awe, poor dude!
I again jumped out and he comes to me right away but when I move towards my truck, he basically told me to bug off and he took off.
Damnit! Okay new plan… I’ll stay with him.
He didn’t go far I could see him. I drove up the road more and could see he was now trying to find away through the fence. I again jumped out of my truck and could see he was already on the move. So I just left my door open, keys in the truck and my phone… oops forgot it…I know… what a dumbass!
I walked over to him and then sat on the sidewalk and called over to him. At first he was definitely not going to give me another chance but then the cars were really letting me know how mad they were because my truck doors wide open! This really scared him and he practically jumped into arms. Oh a thank Jesus!
Now slowly…slowly….very slowly we clawed to the driver side of my truck. This took awhile to do, I had to keep talking to Dallas and petting him and letting him know I wasn’t Dognap him! “Please come a little close dude… come on… a little more buddy….”
I stretched a crossed my front seat with one arm while holding tight Dallas collar with the other arm and praying no one would hit us! I reached for my keys and turned my truck off and reached a little farther and got my phone!
Okay! We did it!!! Good boy!!! Then we hurried to sidewalk again and I called the first number on the collar, no answer. I called again, leaving a message telling this person that I had this person Dog. Then I called the second number and did the same thing.
I think it’s important to mention here that I have a different area code then the state that I live in so that’s why they didn’t answer.
I just called and called and called. It felt like 100 times. Dallas and just chilled there on the sidewalk. I grab that large bottle of water I just bought and got him some and it was all gone in a matter of seconds. Our big boy had calmed down soooo much now. I almost had him laying down at one point… then a loud car would go by.
At last!!!! My phone call was answered! I said um, hi… I think I have your Dog. We’re here on the side of the road.
The voice on the other line is panicked “OH MY GOD, IS HE OK!!”
“Yes, He’s good!” …….
Oh sweet Dallas….
After Dallas mom, who I now know as Suzanne, picked up her sweet giant, she called me to explained what had happened. Of course she didn’t need to tell me any of this. I was just so thankful Dallas was with his family now. How often that doesn’t end this way.
Suzanne had so much happening her house and it was about to be power washed. When the generator scared her sweet timid boy which scared him to look for safety by tying to get away from the scary sound… and ended up lost on the other side of the gate.
It’s fine I told her, even after she told me to me I could call her for anything I might need living in this new place. That’s super kind but seriously it’s totally fine, I said over and over. But God makes things work sooo perfectly….
New Hair, DO care!!
Later that night I get a text:
Wow! I really didn’t want to give her the nightmare that is my hair! But she insisted and for free! This is all too much! I didn’t deserve this! I would stop for any and all dogs that I see anywhere. I honestly feel guilty receiving anything for doing something that’s RIGHT.
Y’all know this could not have came at a more needed time in my life.
I’m trying to get my life in order, physically, emotionally, mentally… all around. It’s something I’ve been kinda at war with.
On top of that! I’ve not met too many nice people here at all! This was truly amazing and so kind! Unnecessary but still amazingly generous. Meeting her hair assistant the day I actually got my hair done was one more sweet, genuine person here in California 🧡
Plus, I don’t have many friends really at all and although I can’t say we’re “friends” I do know one more person than I knew before if I have a question about this crazy beautiful place than I knew before and for that I am beyond thankful!
She even invited me and my family to her church. How sweet!
I haven’t felt great with all these moves and not being able to see my family. My health has sucked and to be frank… I’ve been lonely, closed off and unheard.
I’ve only had my dogs through all this. Sure I have my kids but most they have ME. I don’t leave them. But through all this I have no one but my dogs and they have been amazing for me. I hate to admit it but There’s have been times I have felt like even God has looked the other way.
So much has happened. They say it isn’t until you have some distance… sometime to look back to see God’s works that you get to see the big big picture, all His planning. You can see why the pain was there and why you had to go through somethings or leave someone or some place. There’s a lesson in the hurt. If you listen and you trust, faith, I guess… if you let it all flow then the plans of God’s Will for your life will be better than what you ever could have pictures or wanted or even thought for yourself in any of your wildest dreams.
I never thought I’d even like California and I’m finding myself calling these mountains “my” mountains and the ocean is “my” ocean. This place is hard to live in but somehow I’m living here. Not surviving… living… exploring and trying new things and enjoy it.
Sadness happens and I get frustrated at times …who doesn’t. My humanness will never stop.
I’m just happy right now and I’m embracing that and doing everything I can to live everyday that I got loving my sweet animals, my family, the relationships in my life and this amazing place I call home!
I’m sitting here at Denny’s by myself and I’m good with!
It’s different, feeling alone and actually being alone.
Being alone on Purpose is interesting.
I’m taking everything in around. I wondering if I seem weird or sad to others, if they even notice me at all?
I see a group of old retired men. They are having many different conversations within their group.
I can’t help but wonder if one day I might be so blessed to have a group of my own to reminisce with one day.
There’s a few tables of moms with small children. They’re doing their best to keep their littles happy, cutting up pancakes and wiping faces. There is one table that I see with a Mom and a Dad. They have two young children, both under 3. That table is a mess! God bless you parent for even attempting this!
Then there’s the professionals… totally here to discuss work or maybe complain. They look miserable. Maybe it’s just me and my Extreme dislike for suits!
There’s also one large table tucked in the back with what looks like college age boys. I says boys because I see skinny jeans and perfectly under touched white Keds. How sweet.
I only see one table with a couple in here and there’re ignoring each other. Maybe I shouldn’t be so annoyed when this happens to me. Maybe this is just marriage.
Now for others like me.
I’m surprised how many table for one that I see. At least 6 tables have just one person, sitting by themselves. However, I am the only female…. holy cow! Correction another women just walked in and looks to be alone, like me!
She much older, maybe in her 60s. But funny thing, we’re dressed the same! Sweatpants and a t-shit. Our hair is up in a ponytail and we both are wearing glass. She’s opened a book and has started to read… I writing! Damn! Is this my future self? At least she looks content.
I think this experience. Is good for me. I get to take my time eating and just observed!
I can sit wherever the hell I want. Normal my daughter declares before we even open the door that I WILL sit next to her and I always end up next to the wall. I always have to take her to the bathroom several times throughout our meal. That’s all just annoying, since rarely does she ever actually have to go to the bathroom!
I end up eating so fast that I always feel sick afterwards! I have to be done and ready to go when my husband says “let’s go”! Maybe this is better for me every now and then.
New experience. It’s definitely different but good for me.