The peace I’ve known is few and far between as of late and it’s no one’s fault but my own.
How is it I always find myself here. Caring far more than I should, getting caught up in the mess of people’s personalities and the world and its pointless noise. That isn’t what any of this is about.
No, I have yet again lost my way and lost myself to drama, these egos and religious fanatics that only bring judgment and build walls. It’s all too much. It’s draining and gross.
I know better than to get mixed up in any mess like this and people as such but here I am yet again… mixed up. It’s so hard to discern God’s voice when the world and all its chaos, and shrewdness of people are bearing down on my shoulders. I literally feel it so heavy that I ache with pain that shoots through my spine and up through my neck and into my arms, down into my fingertips. My head and brain are crushed with the mental fatigue it takes to keep up with all these things and these people. In the end none of this even matters.
Is it power, control, hate, righteousness, entitlement, lies, and denial? What is it that sets things off course so badly? Where did things go wrong? Were they ever, right? I just don’t believe this is what God intended for it to be like. And most certainly not for me personally… I wonder… I question… I sit and pray…
God, where do you see me? Where do you want me to go and work? How should I serve you and how do I stop caring?
Caring seems to be the one thing that gets me the most hurt, lost. How do I shut that off? How do I tailor my boundaries around this and not let anything outside affect me?
Today I had to guard myself. I needed prayer time and being alone with God for a while was called for. Too many things are being forgotten and dropped. Too many things are overwhelming me and truly none of those thing matter at all.
I want to take care of my family and do a good job at my work. I want to take good care of my health but all that has come second or third or even fourth. I have forgotten and lost sight of my light in the dark. God’s voice has become harder to hear. That pains me the most. My devotion time is harder to come by. I feel rushed and undone, lost in space and those headaches are back.
My priorities are all wrong and I know it’s my fault. I have become easily overrun. I am not strong anymore but worried and anxious. I overcare.
I can’t care so much or be effective easily by this world. I need to stop getting wound up in the daily fights and disorganization that’s only unraveling me and start remembering what I started all this for. Remember where I came from and the journey it’s been.
So much work, dedication, and struggle. I can’t let it slip away now at the hands of things and others who don’t know or care about the walk I made.
It’s time to remember the peace I have known and get it back.