In the form of HOPE
This year has been wild. You ask God for eyes to see, and WOW, do you see some things you didn’t plan on. One thing is for sure, there are people in our lives that DON’T need to be there. You have to move them out to make room for the people God has coming in. It doesn’t make sense at the time, but later, it always does.
It is so hard to stop holding on to people and things. We think we’re doing the right thing when really we need to let go. God will keep them with us if they are meant to be there. But holding on to anything that God is ready to purge from our life will only start to spoil and rot. It doesn’t matter if it’s a person, a thing, a habit, or a behavior.
I believe it’s out of fear that we try to control. It’s a desperate attempt to control others; expectations, beliefs, thoughts, perspectives, routines, what you say or don’t say, who you’re with or not with, your freedom, really. It’s power. If they lose control, they think they’re not important anymore. If they’re not important to you, you’ve discovered their fear… no more POWER over you. They want to be needed, but this isn’t the way to do things. It’s manipulation.
This is no way to live.
I’ve had a challenging holiday season. To be completely transparent, this isn’t anything new. History always repeats itself, but it’s during the holiday season when narcissists raise their ugly heads. But this time is different because I am different. This time I am wiser; I see the trouble and toxicity all around my family, but I know The One who holds my life and my family’s life in His mighty hands.
Maybe God needed me to see and feel these difficult things so I could handle this kind of storm? Perhaps it was so I would know how and who to protect my kids from when the time came and to teach and raise them in His ways. Maybe it was to give me the kind of heart that could be both gentle and relevant. Perhaps it was just simply to be able to say NO… I’m done with all that. Maybe He wanted me to stop joining in and allowing the things in my life that I was and start walking away. There is absolute freedom in that too.
Sometimes we live in survival mode. We do whatever we can to get through the day and not lose our minds completely. I know that feeling too well. When the load you’re carrying is far greater than what one person can carry alone, and the time that this goes on seems to drag on for years without a single helping hand, a sympathetic shoulder… it breaks you mentally. I know. Add in a dash of judgment and financial strain; it changes you.
I started my very intense Therapy process in California after I tried to end my life by driving off a cliff. It was a rush of emotions to my system during this Therapy process. Over those 9 months, I would break down my thinking and how I was processing my thoughts and feelings, emotions, triggers, memories, pains, and hurts from my farthest memories to that day. It was a ton of work, and I did it all in private without anyone knowing what I was doing.
I didn’t want their opinion, voice in my head, control over me, or judgment. I had been smothered by it long enough. If I thought for one second that support would have come from anyone, I would have brought it up, but not one person could have thought about me over themselves in those moments. So I kept on alone.
I was called many things… all terrible things while I worked on this “new me.” But they had no idea I had been seconds away, only months earlier, from ending my life. They didn’t know the radical changes that I was undergoing. So I didn’t care what they had to say… I was on a personal mission to save my life. And not just save my own life but improve it!
Over the next 2 years, I would continue to do intense, focused therapy, which led to adding a health coach and life coach to my life. I did this for a total of 4 years. Over the last year in a half, I’ve lost 111 lbs. That extra weight was brought on by sickness, extreme stress, and misdiagnosis. I was finally given correct help by good doctors and diagnosed corrected later on. I now take minimal meds. I’ve learned to use food as medicine, even for things that I was told were impossible. I’ve graduated to speaking with one counselor once a month and a life coach every other week.
I’ve changed my physical well-being through the things I consume, how I care for my body, and the environment I allow myself to be in. After all this work, I won’t throw it away. I almost died. Once at my own hand but also because I allowed the toxic people and things around me to eat me alive. I will NEVER be a willing player in that game again.
There is no easy life, but a joyful, healthy life is available if we choose it. This choice will piss people off. That’s okay. I hope it does because those people will now be easier to spot and remove.
The rainbow over my head was always there, but the dark and stormy clouds blocked my view. It took a painful look in the mirror of reality with the help of some very patient professionals to set my thinking straight and gain a whole new way to process and cope. It was a reconnection to my deep faith in God and His compassionate love and mercy that kept me going all those nights when I cried myself to sleep. The days I faked a smile and handled motherhood like a boss when I couldn’t even find the strength to shower… all while not a single person in my life knew my pain. NO ONE. I did that work alone. It was beyond hard. It was terrifying.
I thank God every single day I did it. I am here now and better for it.
Now going on 5 in half years of therapy and working with a life coach while still maintaining physical and mental health, I know a thing or two about what works and what doesn’t (at least for myself). What I have found to be true is that people will be mad, have unrealistic expectations, and gossip no matter what we do. This is mainly because they dislike themselves and are unhappy and lazy. They need someone to blame for their poor choices. So I can’t pay attention to it. I won’t carry their drama, lies, grievance, and hate around for them. I did my work… they need to do some too. No excuses.
I’m not yet at the end of my rainbow, but I see it. The vibrant colors my hands run through it. I am alive with joy even in the struggle, the hurt, and the stress that happens in life… I am still joyful. I stay loving and remain thankful. I never thought I could say these words and really mean them, but I do mean them.
I’ve never asked for an easy life, but I have asked God for a simple one. My rainbow isn’t fancy; it doesn’t gleam or sparkly. There is no glitter, and it doesn’t glow. My rainbow is simple. It’s not unique in any way, but it’s bright and full of spirited color. Color of promise and of hope, and that is what I hang on to. Not things or the world’s expectations. But God’s simple promise. 🌈
You’ve always had a rainbow.
Looking forward, we always want to make fresh starts and renew. January is all about that. For me, it’s about paying off my credit card and deep cleaning my house!
The only thing I have to start this year that is genuinely new for me is my 3rd WordPress writing course. Other than that, I am done with the new and starting over. I am more about growing roots, making friends, dating night, and church on Sunday mornings. “Brand new” sounds like a cuss word to me.
I am looking for that routine and calm. If you aren’t about that, keep moving. I don’t want what you’re peddling. My idea of “going out” is a glass of wine, listening to live folk music, watching my sweet husband enjoy a glass of whiskey on a Saturday afternoon under the cedar tree of a Texas sky, and being in bed by 9pm. That’s life.
Or Movie night with my kids! Tristan and Grace go to Walgreens and pick out their favorite junk food, and it’s a movie night marathon!
Teamwork makes the dream work! We all tag team the house cleaning and yard work, with ’70s rock jamming throughout the house or maybe some ’80s hits!
Waking up to do my devotion on a Saturday morning and drink my coffee alone while everyone is still asleep. It’s peace and quiet. A phone call with my sister uninterrupted!
Friday night lights under a Texas sunset! Or coming home after a long day to my pups so happy and missing me! Making dinner for my favorite people every night! Our routine going out into the world to do school and work but always coming home to chip in together. I love the way we reconvene back together after a busy day.
My little chats with Jason in his office, just the two of us. 🤍
What is becoming a new routine: getting up early, drinking my coffee, and heading into the best job with the best people! Being able to pick G from school and those rare occasions that my teenager is a pleasant person when I pick her up… it’s all so good when it’s good!
Maybe my rainbow has a few hearts in it. 🤍🌈🤍🌈🤍🌈🤍🌈
Sk
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