Part One: It began several months ago

My heart is heavy, but I have hope and faith in the Lord. This is why I write.

Do not speak your complaints and cry like babies with all your annoyances to anyone who will listen. Pray and take heart. Write it out, for God knows your thoughts. The enemy is dumb and cannot read or hear your thoughts, but it can listen to you complaining and whining. God blesses you with healing. God gives rest and peace. The enemy tricks you into chaos, confusion, and death… he is a lair, but it starts with what you speak out loud.

Skelly 🤍

Hang in there. Here we go.

Embracing Vulnerability

It’s been one of those weeks where I’ve felt completely out of sorts. I can’t shake this feeling of being off balance, and I’m in a perpetual state of exhaustion.

I’m currently trying to fight what might eventually turn into depression if I don’t handle it soon.

The reason I feel this way is no one’s fault but my own. Tears have begged to come out, but I force them down and lock them away in the deepest part of my chest.

I’m poisoning my soul to avoid feeling sad and disappointed. Honestly, there’s a lot of denial on my part. I must admit how alone I am in areas I’ve always known but have avoided thinking about too much.

I’m a lone rider dealing with life as it comes on my own. I do have a very small, tight-knit group of people scattered across the US that I am fortunate enough to call my friends. However I have, I’ve always been this way- a loner. But occasionally, I think I might have more people in my circle that might be becoming more, only to realize the hard, cold truth that I don’t.

There’s no doubt this has led to a lot of my emotional distress and physical fatigue. I am the friend I wish I had.

Moreover, so many things are pulling at me, needing my attention, and so many changes are coming our way. There’s no way to avoid it all. I have to face the reality of what is without blinking, for I can’t risk vulnerability. Soldier on.

Navigating New Horizons: Embracing Change and Accepting Realities

My son is off touring Colorado and enjoying his senior trip. My daughter is preparing to spend time with her grandparents in Tennessee. Jason is working on many different tasks, preparing for all our travel plans. There are a lot of moving parts, plus we are all working.

Our family is definitely in a transition phase, and I am feeling it. I’m just holding all that in, with no one to talk to about it. I feel uneasy to say to lease.

Grace is moving to a new school, and no one has made that easy either! I am doing my best to be kind and classy through this situation, even when others don’t. Our whole family has new horizons. All these changes are exciting for everyone in many ways, but they can also be very nerve-racking for others.

This is nothing new, I suppose, as we’ve become accustomed to looking a little different each year for our family. We always manage to make it work, whatever it looks like. However, this is the first time we might all be going in different directions.

The weight has taken a toll on me. Over the last eight months, I’ve built up my feelings and kept them to myself. Whenever I do try to talk to someone, it’s met with some powdery bullshit. The reality is not always so cheerful. Sometimes it’s ugly and complicated. But no one wants to be honest with me. It’s safe in the Instagram world, where everything looks perfect… but I don’t live there.

I started to feel a tug on my mental load, which seemed worse than I thought. The feeling of sleep—the sleep that could take me over all day, into the night, and on to the next day… or two.

I think I am struggling more than I want to admit. I know I have many great things happening, too. So please know I do see the blessings and God’s hand at work. This is my fragile human side crying out, and the fact that I am very, very aware of my mental health and when things are more than a “bad day.” This is why I am writing it out and processing these emotions I am going through. Maybe I am not alone here, and perhaps this is just the first part of me shaking this off, coming to terms with the reality of what it is, and accepting it. Some things can’t be changed.

So here we go.

Chapter One: Breaking Free- Where it started

I quit my job in May. It was hard to do, and I didn’t want to! I enjoyed what I did and was very good at it. I was so good at my job that I did other people’s work for free! I did this while my regular pay was deleted entirely or changed continuously, and my boss found it funny. As you can imagine, I didn’t see the humor in it at all; in fact, I found it very sad and incredibly frustrating. These mishaps with my pay happened from day one and were never fixed. I now have to speak to people in higher places. After talking to my bosses about it multiple times, it still happened. They still did nothing. Them doing nothing was the only thing I came to count on.

Many other issues spiraled out of control, leading me to the conclusion that no matter how much I loved the kids and appreciated my bosses for different reasons—even if they were never going to see the problem as a person—and no matter how much I loved some of my co-workers, nothing was ever going to get better.

The truth was that I had become the shield for this person’s bad work ethic, their total inability to do their job, and, sadly, their idiocy!

This person lacked competence—I filled the gaps daily and cleaned up their toxicity. I constantly had to clean up. I became the cleaning crew to keep everyone from the toxic work environment they created and give everyone a great place to be. This person constantly took credit for this, and my bosses allowed it! I was carrying the weight and burdens of this toxic environment and this toxic person day in and day out. It was too much and drowning me!

I was becoming sicker and sicker, and no matter what I said, nobody cared. I could see they were not taking me seriously. All they cared about was that I handled the toxicity and kept it clean. I was the cleaning crew, and they wanted me to do what I was told with a smile and shut up about it. If they felt differently, they never made it known. This situation forced me to look for work elsewhere.

They may think my leaving was about money. It wasn’t.

I did find other work and learned a new skill. I loved it, and it was growing. But having two jobs and more responsibilities was a lot.

As this other position took off, I knew this was what my family needed from me and what I needed for myself: to be more connected to my family and home, from which I had been so pulled away and disconnected. Still, mentally, I was breaking down under the pressure of these two jobs and my deteriorating health.

I was up from 4 a.m. to 9 p.m. or 10 p.m. daily, caring for my family and doing far more than my share. I was also not being supported by my bosses. I started to see that I would never be part of the “clique.” I had given up hope that even with them seeing I had other opportunities and remained loyal, maybe they would do something. But no—they didn’t care. I wasn’t in the NBISD clique. They would rather have broken, ineffective people who were in the clique.

It was time to realize that I would never fit in because I was not a liar and too honest, which was my downfall from day one. Even if they knew I was right, the chances of them doing anything about it were slim. They would never make my pay right, stop the backbiting and bullying, or address the laziness and lying. The only way to fix my sorrow was to take my happiness into my own hands. It was never going to be made right.

After all, I knew I was making a massive and exciting pivot into marketing, and I was ready to do it! The hard part for me was leaving the kids! These students and our connection meant and still mean so much to me. It was heartbreaking to let it go! Saying goodbye to my good co-workers, who had become my true friends, and the fact that I enjoyed my work and knowing I was not going to see this place or these people every day was hard. But in the end, I knew it was time to go when I was getting sick, and no one cared. I couldn’t be blind even if others chose to be.

From Farewells to Fresh Starts

After all, I knew I was making a massive and exciting pivot into marketing, and I was ready to do it! The hard part for me was leaving the kids. These students and our connection meant—and still mean—so much to me. It was heartbreaking to let it go. Saying goodbye to my good co-workers, who had become my true friends, and knowing I would no longer see this place or these people every day was difficult. But in the end, I knew it was time to go when I was getting sick, and no one cared to hear my cries. I couldn’t be blind, even if others chose to be.

I wrote my resignation letter and left the date open. I prayed on it and knew God would tell me when to go. He sure did! It was clear I had to leave within 24 hours. My time and pay had been messed up and deleted repeatedly. My boss had a discussion with the person “in charge” over it because “numbers are hard for her” (my words, not hers), and I was told I needed to not come in too early anymore. This was despite the fact that I was there early to cover for others who should have been there before me to help PTA set up, and they let me hang by myself. I was there to cover someone else! HELLO! Instead of explaining myself again after repeated incidents of complete nonsense, I handed her my letter. I was done.

No one ever came to work on time, and the person who was late the most had no concept of time, numbers, or money and was completely unorganized, running us all into the ground! It was bittersweet. I hated leaving my fifth-grade teacher friends and bestie friends, but I could no longer carry this anger and frustration.

Leaving my job was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but it was necessary for my mental and physical health. I learned a lot during my time there, especially about my own resilience and capacity for growth. As I move forward into this new chapter of my career in marketing, I carry with me the lessons, memories, and friendships that shaped my journey.

While change is always challenging, it’s also an opportunity for renewal. I’m excited about the future and its possibilities both for my professional life and my connection with my family. I know obstacles will be ahead, but I’m ready to face them with courage and determination.

Thank you for reading and for being part of my journey. Here’s to new beginnings and the hope that, in time, everything will fall into place.

This was a long read, and I have no doubt many stopped reading long ago or skimmed this whole thing if they choose to stick around. This is why I have decided to break this up into chapters and parts.

My heart is heavy, but I have hope and faith in the Lord. This is why I write.

Do not speak your complaints and cry like babies with all your annoyances to anyone who will listen. Pray and take heart. Write it out, for God knows your thoughts. The enemy is dumb and cannot read or hear your thoughts, but it can listen to you complaining and whining. God blesses you with you and gives you healing, rest, and peace. The enemy tricks you into chaos, confusion, and death… he is a lair, but it starts with what you speak out loud.