It’s so hard to keep this up. I try so hard to be productive. I work on my personal goals and stay healthy. All this while trying my best to be a good wife and mother. I am trying to stick with a healthy and motivating routine. I focus on diet and exercise. I also care for my house, our pets, and the dang plants. I try to get some writing in as well. I just want to cover everything. Connecting to my blog, my family, my friends, to God. It’s a lot. I am so thankful to have all of this greatness all around me. However, sometimes I just want to go to freaking bed. Anyone else?

My daughter is a real pill. She is not nice. She can be plain mean. It’s a real drain on me mentally. I am killing myself to create every opportunity that I can for this kid. She is basically flipping me off every chance she gets.

Everyone in this house is overloaded right now. I recognize that she has her own stress too. However, we make life pretty nice for both our kids; not that we except a payback or anything… just for them to have appreciation for their life. After all it’s a good one. Maybe she’s spoiled? Maybe a brat? Maybe it’s age? Maybe it’s a phase? I’m not sure. I am breaking my back and my wallet for this kid. She keeps finding her way into trouble. It’s a real problem for me in more ways than one.

First, I am not happy. I should be but I am not. They say a mother is only as happy as her saddest child… so there’s that. She’s a monster of gloom. I see all these amazing things in our live, in her life. She’s just a kid and can’t see past her nose. If it’s not trendy, she doesn’t care about it. This drives me mad… MAD! She wouldn’t last 2 minutes in 1985. We would have eaten her up and spit her out! She’d had a blood nose every day. Not saying that’s okay… but this kid doesn’t know how lucky she is! I think a reality check is in order big time with her … But that also pains me.

It’s Christmas time! It’s the time of goodwill and joy! It’s the time of giving extra love and gratitude to one another. It’s time to give thanks for all our blessings throughout the year. We thank God for the ability to celebrate the birth of Christ! To enjoy and reminisce in our traditions and values with our family and our friends! It’s so important and meaningful! We’re making memories people! That last thing that I want to do is be punishing my kid(s) right now! But it’s like… she really wants me too! It’s as if she’s begging for a consequence! UGH! She couldn’t make the right choice if I gave her a cheat sheet. She’s killing me!

I want to be joyous right now. We get to finally celebrate Christmas in our own home. We have spent years on the road, moving from one state to the next! This year we get to be home! It’s such a wonderful thing! Something that brings me to tears! Our family haven’t had our own Christmas tree in forever, this is so amazing and warms my heart! This year we decorated our own home! Baked cookies and get to do some of the long-lost traditions we started so many years ago. I’m so excited for this! I mean… I put up two full, beautiful Christmas trees this year! We, get to enjoy and partake in the Texas Christmas fun! This is now our hometown and I love to get to be a part of things here! It’s such a blessing! One I have prayed for!!! Yet, this dark storm cloud refuses to embrace any part of the happiness. It wants no share of the joy or the celebration. It’s straight pissing me off!

What do you do when you’re an empathy and pick up on others vibes very easily? You’re trying to create and make up for lost Christmases. You’re also hosting Christmas at your house. All this while dealing with something worse than The Grinch living in your house? She’s not just messing up her Christmas at her own hands, she messing up the rest of the families too. To say I’m discourage is an understatement.

I would do anything for my kids. Right now, I am wondering where the hell I went wrong. I have one kid. He’s very respectful and in MCROTC. The Principal handpicked him for Student Council. He is the kindest person you’d ever meet in your life. He is the most tender hearted, sweetest person in my life! Sure, he has his moment too. But all in all, he’s pretty good all around. Then there’s my daughter, who I like to describe as fire, a wild horse. Both are important, necessary, smart and beautiful, but also if not guided or maintained properly, very dangerous… That’s my girl. She’s a wild fire. A wild horse living in the busy streets of New York City… it just doesn’t work. She has a big heart, she’s brilliant, but she also has no issue telling you off. Oh, your feelings… ya, that’s your problem! My kids are nothing alike. I rasied them both… so what the heck gives?

I don’t get it. I don’t feel good. The Christmas that I was so looking forward to has become a wild fire. If not my daughter, it’s my someone else in my face, putting up roadblocks, making things hard for no reason. I am just putting out fires… everywhere. My mental state is foggy and now I actually sick.

Ya know, I’m not trying to break the wild horse that my daughter is. I see the amazing person she is and the ability she has to do incredible things as she gets older. She will be a force… God knows she’s one now! But how do I teach, compassion? How do I teach stillness in an age where kids can’t let their minds be bored for one second? How?

How do I hold on to the Christmas spirit for this home? How do I do it for myself? How can I not get lost in the chaos that is everywhere around me? I’m not so naive to think I won’t ever have a bad day. I’m also not so naive to think that bad things won’t happen to me. They already have and will again. All I really really want for Christmas is be happy. I was really unhappy for so many years of my life. I got lost in other people’s stories, trying to build them up and fix them. I did whatever they wanted me to do. All that work was on my soul. Truly, some of it was good for me and some of not so good. I was left with plenty of battle scars to get where I am now. I asked God for so many things. Now I have most of those prayers answered. Yet, I can’t even rejoice in it. What the hell?

All I want for Christmas is to be happy… and to rejoiced in the gifts that I prayed hard for… that’s it. I’m so sick of being angry, fighting, mean people and no one caring. You can tough and hard… that’s fine. I’m tough too. A bad ass really… but I don’t fight for fun, only out of necessity. Why it is this way? I’m at a lost.

SK-

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