My Little Wild Fire

It’s so hard to keep this up. I try so hard to be productive, work on my personal goals, stay healthy all while trying my best to be a good wife and mother. Trying to stick with a healthy, motivating routine, with diet, excise, and caring for my house, our pets, the dang plants, try to get some writing in… I just want to cover everything. Connecting to my blog, my family, my friends, to God. It’s a lot. I am so thankful to have all of this greatest all around me but sometimes, I just want to go to freaking bed. Anyone else?

My daughter is a real pill. She is not nice. She can be plain mean and it’s a real drain on me mentally when I am killing myself to create every opportunity that I can for this kid and she is basically flipping me off every chance she gets.

Everyone in this house is overloaded right now. I recognize that she has her own stress too. However, we make life pretty nice for both our kids; not that we except a payback or anything… just for them to have appreciation for their life. Afterall it’s a good one. Maybe she’s spoiled? Maybe a brat? Maybe it’s age? Maybe it’s a phase? I’m not sure, but when I am breaking my back, and my wallet for this kid, and she keeps finding her way into trouble… it’s a real problem for me in more ways than one.

First, I am not happy. I should be but I am not. They say a mother is only as happy as her saddest child… so there’s that. She’s a monster of gloom. I see all these amazing things in our live, in her life but she’s just a kid and can’t see past her nose. If it’s not trendy, she doesn’t care about it. This drives me mad… MAD! She wouldn’t last 2 minutes in 1985. We would have eaten her up and spit her out! She’d had a blood nose every day. Not saying that’s okay… but this kid doesn’t know how lucky she is! I think a reality check is in order big time with her … But that also pains me.

It’s Christmas time! It’s the time of goodwill and joy! It’s the time of giving extra love and gratitude to one another. It’s time to give thanks for all our blessings through the year, to God for ability to celebrate the birth of Christ! To enjoy and reminisce in our traditions and values with our family and our friends! It’s so important and meaningful! We’re making memories people! That last thing that I want to do is be punishing my kid(s) right now! But it’s like… she really wants me too! It’s as if she’s begging for a consequence! UGH! She couldn’t make the right choice if I gave her a cheat sheet. She’s killing me!

I want to be joyous right now. We get to finally celebrate Christmas in our own home, after years of being on the road, moving from one state to the next! This year we get to be home! It’s such a wonderful thing! Something that brings me to tears! Our family haven’t had our own Christmas tree in forever, this is so amazing and warms my heart! This year we decorated our own home! Baked cookies and get to do some of the long-lost traditions we started so many years ago. I’m so excited for this! I mean… I put up two full, beautiful Christmas trees this year! We, get to enjoy and partake in the Texas Christmas fun! This is now our hometown and I love to get to be a part of things here! It’s such a blessing! One I have prayed for!!! Yet, this dark storm cloud just doesn’t want any part of the happiness, the joy or the celebration and it’s straight pissing me off!

What do you do when you’re an empath and pick up on others vibes very easily? You’re trying to create and make up for lost Christmases and you’re hosting Christmas at your house, all while dealing with something worse than The Grinch living in your house? She’s not just messing up her Christmas at her own hands, she messing up the rest of the families too. To say I’m discourage is an understatement.

I would do anything for my kids. Right now, I am wondering where the hell I went wrong. I have one kid, that’s very respectful, in MCROTC, handpicked by the Principal for Student Council, and is the kindest person you’d ever meet in your life. He is the most tender hearted, sweetest person in my life! Sure, he has his moment too. But all in all, he’s pretty good all around. Then there’s my daughter, who I like to describe as fire, a wild horse. Both are important, necessary, smart and beautiful, but also if not guided or maintained properly, very dangerous… That’s my girl. She’s a wild fire. A wild horse living in the busy streets of New York City… it just doesn’t work. She has a big heart, she’s brilliant, but she also has no issue telling you off. Oh, your feelings… ya, that’s your problem! My kids are nothing alike. I rasied them both… so what the heck gives?

I don’t get it. All I know is I don’t feel good, and the Christmas that I was so looking forward too has become a wild fire. If not my daughter, it’s my someone else in my face, putting up roadblocks, making things hard for no reason. I am just putting out fires… everywhere. My mental state is foggy and now I actually sick.

Ya know, I’m not trying to break the wild horse that my daughter is. I see the amazing person she is and the ability she has to do incredible things as she gets older. She will be a force… God knows she’s one now! But how do I teach, compassion? How do I teach stillness in an age where kids can’t let their minds be bored for one second? How?

How do I hold on to the Christmas spirit for this home, for myself and not get lost in the chaos that is everywhere around me? I’m not so naive to think I won’t ever have a bad day or that bad things won’t happen to me. They already have and will again. All I really really want for Christmas is be happy. I’ve spent so many years of my life really unhappy, lost in other people’s stories, trying to build them up, fix them, do whatever they wanted me to. All that work was on on my soul. Truly, some of it was good for me and some of not so good. I was left with plenty of battle scars to get where I am now. So many things I asked God for and now I have most those prayer answered, but yet can’t even rejoyce in it. What the hell?

All I want for Christmas is to be happy… and to rejoiced in the gifts that I prayed hard for… that’s it. I’m so sick of being angry, fighting, mean people and no one caring. You can tough and hard… that’s fine. I’m tough too. A bad ass really… but I don’t fight for fun, only out of necessity. Why it is this way? I’m at a lost.

sk