There are moments when everything in me wants to speak, correct, or intervene. And yet, the quiet nudge is always the same: wait. But is that the right thing to do? I’m always questioning.
The hardest part of obedience for me has been learning that my silence does not mean I am unseen, unappreciated, or undervalued. There are many moments when it feels that way. Moments when no one spoke up for me. Moments when I feel overlooked and dismissed. That feeling is familiar because it has followed me most of my life.
I learned early on that no one was coming to defend me. No one was stepping in to speak up on my behalf or protect me. So, I became the one who did and I haven’t always done that very well. But over time and to this today I am learned how to stand guard. I was alert, ready, and self-reliant, maybe even a little overly so.
Even now, knowing with every part of my soul that God sees me, even in these hard moments, I still feel the pull to return to my old default. I believe He has always been there, even in the seasons when I felt I had to be ten feet tall on my own.
I still feel the urge to step in. To defend. To protect and not just myself, but anyone or anything I think needs it. I can get myself in trouble that way.
It’s a confusing place to be.
Obedience in Jesus presses against that instinct. Faith asks me to trust that I am not alone anymore, even when my old defaults try to take over. This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. Will I live my faith? Do I trust Him? Do I really believe Jesus is the Great I Am?
Of course He is. He can handle all of me… Even my big mouth, my big questions, my big problems. Still, as I move through this world, I know I leave people shaking their heads, wondering what I’m doing. I probably look a little looney at times. Saying things like, “I think God’s going to have to take this one…I have no clue.”
The way I live can be confusing to others. The way I write my life openly. my messy hair, the unpolished edges, the baggy, untrendy clothes that somehow became fashionable anyway. The way I am obsessed over order while still stumbling in areas where leadership and clarity should be most important. I see it. I know it can all look bonkers. I don’t get either. 🙃
But I’m learning to quiet the noise in my head. To bring my focus back to Him… Jesus Christ. To remember who He made me to be. Messy and creative. Meek and mild. Someone who looks up at the sky and sees more than the average person. Someone who thinks the wind is beautiful and the smell of rain is nice. Someone who believes that old buildings and candlelight is where it’s at.
So, I’ve stopped trying to explain my life to everyone else because, truthfully, I don’t think I could even if I tried. Instead, I’m choosing to trust Jesus with it. With all of it.
Woven in the Fabric
This writing …and this journey is rooted in Jesus. Every word shared here is a gift from Him and offered in faith and obedience. I am so thankful for. If something in this reflection stirred your heart, I hope you’ll pass that encouragement on.
You’re always welcome to stay connected here through the blog or join me on Instagram and Pinterest for daily reminders of truth, hope, and grace as we keep walking together.
– skelly
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