Do You See Me

 

Do You See Me

I don’t recognize myself anymore.

The eyes of this person are empty.

Yet a heart still beats, blood still flows.

I don’t trust the thoughts in my head.

Numb to feeling, blind to the light.

Where did the person I was go?

Do you see me?

When did this happen to me?

My legs move, I know that I exist.

I am not real anymore.

I’m a only ghost.

Do you see me?

Going through the motions.

People depend on me.

Keep my head up and solider on.

One foot in front of the other.

Force it, do it everyday and be okay.

Do you see me?

Take my pills to dull the pain.

Make me who I need to be.

I’ll be fine.

I’m not scared for me.

 The future is not my concern.

No control, security, planning for a life for you.

Why am here?

Do you see me?

The wheel is not in my hands.

What’s next for me?

I wait for someone to tell me.

My life is blank to me.

 I am nothing.

I am a character in someone else’s book.

The real me is so distance, I don’t remember her.

Do you see me?

I don’t belong here.

Unlikeable, different, and I don’t fit in.

Will never have the chance to find a real home.

I’m  trapped, can’t look for a place to call home.

Prison, poison, trauma in life…stifle it, push it down.

Like a child, unseen, unheard.

Do you see me!

You’re tired of hearing it.

These tears are getting old.

They are drying up.

Things that matter don’t anymore.

Soon but ash.

Caged by my own mind.

The silents is so loud.

I want to know joy again.

A sleeping coma, I’m living in.

Do you see me?

Mostly this is my secret.

No one knows how I am.

People would never know the things I live.

Those who know me, know only what I show.

No one knows me well.

Do you see me?

In my world, it’s dark and repetitive.

The questions never stop and the answers never come.

What will makes me happy?

What’s wrong with me?

What happened?

Why are you like this?

You have to get over this!

What do I want?

What do I need?

Don’t you think if I had the answers to these things that I would be different?

I have a question for you.

Do you see me?

 

https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/04/26/when-words-wont-do/

http://nfrealmusic.com

 

xoxo sk

 

Country Music Love

Simi Valley Round UP

 Music has a way to help you heal, escape or take you back… It’s a medicine in a way for the soul and it’s sure done it’s part for me in my life.

I love all different types of music. I respect the art, the hard work, the talent and bravery of putting all your heart and soul into something you love so much and sharing it with the world: taking a chance on others opinions of your craft.  It’s awesome to me the journey of it all. I feel the same way about novels. So much time and effort goes in to what we get to enjoy…it’s awesome!

 

 

It’s Been Along Time

 

I’m weird with concerts because I want to hear the music and not be touched by other people. I mean, I like people but not in my personal space and not spilling their beer on me or in my purse.

 The type of crowd is important to me because I’m weird with environments and other peoples energy… I know I’m such a nerd.

The Round Up is awesome because it’s great for just about all ages! This was my kids first “real” concert and they had such an amazing time! The music, the crowd, the venders, the food…it all was good! The weather was perfect! It was 80 degrees and nothing but perfect sunshine!

The Line Up

 

 

 

Friends In A New Place

Grace and I love Runaway June and had fun singing along! Here is their site for more info on them: https://www.runawayjune.com/  

Also did you know that one of Runaway June’s members Grandfather is actually John Wayne? That’s awesome! Talk about real Cowyboy-Country Cred! 

Of course the top favorites were, Eli Young Band and Justin Honsinger. These were new Music Bands to my kids and it’s been really awesome seeing my son discover new music. He and my daughter are both learning to play the guitar right now so this whole experience just encouraged them even more!

Eli Young Band is nothing new to me, I have LOVED them for a while! (check out the videos) Crazy Girl and Even If It Breaks Your Heart, Dust, Skin and Bones (Skin and Bones was written for the Lead Singer’s wife because he was “in the dog house” but the song didn’t help) and now Love Aren’t and Saltwater Gospel…so good! Here is the site for these bands: https://eliyoungband.com/#!/  http://JustinHonsinger.com

Those are just a few favorites that have been on repeat now in my truck! Hope you all might enjoy them too!

We were invited by a friend, Jason’s met through work. It’s hard making friends and getting to know people when you move around this much! These people are so nice and sweet for inviting us and they are great with my kids too! I’m really grateful when people take time like this to include us and help us navigate a new place. I hope we can do more with them soon!

Here are just a few pictures of the sunset on the way home. I have to say the California sunset never disappoints. We are blessed with beautiful sunrises and sunsets everyday here,

I hope you enjoyed this blog and don’t forget to HIT that LIKE button and Share!  

Also check out my other blog post about when we first got to California and the struggling looking for a house. https://fabricthatmademe.com/2018/09/30/home-sweet-temporary-house/

Until next time!

xoxo sk

The Andersons and Kellys Take SoCal… Kinda…

Socal With OUr Minnesota Family

 

Here are just a few random pictures that I put together of Beautiful California and some people I love very much! 💕

I am excited to finally be able to share our visit/vacation and time that we spent with the Anderson family. It was so good to see them and I hope to do a Vegas trip very soon!

I had a million glitches with my computer and my entire brain, Getting this video together and going threw all the pictures was time consuming but then to have my computer turn against me was infuriating! I finally got hours of video and 100s of pictures all edited and pieced together and it’s DONE! Now if this is any good is another thing…

I know this video is far too damn long (please watch it anyway….please) and please HIT that LIKE button! I need validation…. okay! As much as I could careless if people like…like me (not really, I’m lying)…I would still so LOVE a tiny bit of acknowledgment because I find my self-worth through your validation so for crying in the night help a girl out, if you’re reading https://fabricthatmademe.com/ and my watching my Videos HIT the LIKE! 

Like, I said before I know the video is crazy long but The Anderson and Kelly family spent 5 days or so together, there was so much to share! We did some pretty cool things in that time!

Blessed beyond words

I wanna say that I am completely aware of how blessed our family is to have these amazing people in our lives. They could go anywhere they wanted, spend their time and money anyway they please but they choose us. I’m beyond thankful and humbled for our friendship.

Xoxo sk

 

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qO-5OqBU4BQ[/embedyt]

Check out this blog: Back togetherhttps://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/03/08/coming-up-back-together/

Book your rental:https://www.airbnb.com/

 

Dog Backwards Spells God

All Because I Had To Pee…

All because I had to pee so bad my plans had a bit of a delayed and thank God they did!

Because God delayed me this day and made every bathroom near my workout spot closed, I had to get in my truck and drive to Albertsons to use the restroom and of course while I was there my ADD kicked in…

I had to buy a huge bag of avocado, face wash, a toothbrush, more coffee and a large water. I’m so random.

After all that and an empty bladder, I could finally head to the park to workout. Or so I thought….

Meet Dallas & God At Work

So this a photo from Pinterest but does look like my new friend, Dallas!

As I’m driving down the street, I see the most terrified 100 pound, beautiful dog that I’ve ever seen. I thought to myself this dog has to belong to someone, no one would let this poor baby go free on purpose!

I slowed way down and drove slowly next to him. I could see this scared pup was trying to get into the gated neighborhood but couldn’t. Every time a loud, fast car or school bus would fly by, would start to panic and head into street. I just drove slow next to him for a bit which was good because he crossed into the street and I would block other cars from hitting him.

Finally as we approach the intersection, I couldn’t wait anymore and I jumped out of my truck to go to him. “Come here baby”, I would call to him and at first he didn’t seen sure but after a few seconds he made his way over to me and let me pet him. What a sweetie! But he was so scared, trembling actually.

I know it may be hard to imagine this huge 100 pound dog being so frightened but in my experience it usually is the big Dogs that are the gentle, sweet, mellow, big cry babies. It’s the small Dogs who are pure piss and vinegar and want to fight! They pack a big punch in their little bodies!

Back to Dallas…now, I wanted to get him in my truck. I didn’t know what I’d do at the point but I knew he wouldn’t get hit by car there or more lost then he was! But as I tried to move his large body closer to my truck he put on the breaks… um HELL NO… DOGNAPPER! Ok dude, I’m think what to I do… then a loud trucks blow by us to let me know how inconveniencing it is that my truck is parked on the side of the road. ( You showed me…Ass.) This caused Dallas to freaks out and started to jog down towards the intersection!

Crap! Crap! Crap! I was thinking this is bad, he’s going to get hit! This good thing was this big guy knew that he lived in this gated community and he was trying desperately to get back in! The loud cars just would cause hit to panic and lose track of where he was and what he was doing. I think if he wasn’t so scared, he’d made it home.

I found him again trying to get in a side gate. Awe, poor dude!

I again jumped out and he comes to me right away but when I move towards my truck, he basically told me to bug off and he took off.

Damnit! Okay new plan… I’ll stay with him.

He didn’t go far I could see him. I drove up the road more and could see he was now trying to find away through the fence. I again jumped out of my truck and could see he was already on the move. So I just left my door open, keys in the truck and my phone… oops forgot it…I know… what a dumbass!

I walked over to him and then sat on the sidewalk and called over to him. At first he was definitely not going to give me another chance but then the cars were really letting me know how mad they were because my truck doors wide open! This really scared him and he practically jumped into arms. Oh a thank Jesus!

Now slowly…slowly….very slowly we clawed to the driver side of my truck. This took awhile to do, I had to keep talking to Dallas and petting him and letting him know I wasn’t Dognap him! “Please come a little close dude… come on… a little more buddy….”

I stretched a crossed my front seat with one arm while holding tight Dallas collar with the other arm and praying no one would hit us! I reached for my keys and turned my truck off and reached a little farther and got my phone!

Okay! We did it!!! Good boy!!! Then we hurried to sidewalk again and I called the first number on the collar, no answer. I called again, leaving a message telling this person that I had this person Dog. Then I called the second number and did the same thing.

I think it’s important to mention here that I have a different area code then the state that I live in so that’s why they didn’t answer.

I just called and called and called. It felt like 100 times. Dallas and just chilled there on the sidewalk. I grab that large bottle of water I just bought and got him some and it was all gone in a matter of seconds. Our big boy had calmed down soooo much now. I almost had him laying down at one point… then a loud car would go by.

At last!!!! My phone call was answered! I said um, hi… I think I have your Dog. We’re here on the side of the road.

The voice on the other line is panicked “OH MY GOD, IS HE OK!!”

“Yes, He’s good!” …….

Oh sweet Dallas….

After Dallas mom, who I now know as Suzanne, picked up her sweet giant, she called me to explained what had happened. Of course she didn’t need to tell me any of this. I was just so thankful Dallas was with his family now. How often that doesn’t end this way.

Suzanne had so much happening her house and it was about to be power washed. When the generator scared her sweet timid boy which scared him to look for safety by tying to get away from the scary sound… and ended up lost on the other side of the gate.

It’s fine I told her, even after she told me to me I could call her for anything I might need living in this new place. That’s super kind but seriously it’s totally fine, I said over and over. But God makes things work sooo perfectly….

New Hair, DO care!!

Later that night I get a text:

Wow! I really didn’t want to give her the nightmare that is my hair! But she insisted and for free! This is all too much! I didn’t deserve this! I would stop for any and all dogs that I see anywhere. I honestly feel guilty receiving anything for doing something that’s RIGHT.

God’s plans

Y’all know this could not have came at a more needed time in my life.

I’m trying to get my life in order, physically, emotionally, mentally… all around. It’s something I’ve been kinda at war with.

On top of that! I’ve not met too many nice people here at all! This was truly amazing and so kind! Unnecessary but still amazingly generous. Meeting her hair assistant the day I actually got my hair done was one more sweet, genuine person here in California 🧡

Plus, I don’t have many friends really at all and although I can’t say we’re “friends” I do know one more person than I knew before if I have a question about this crazy beautiful place than I knew before and for that I am beyond thankful!

She even invited me and my family to her church. How sweet!

I haven’t felt great with all these moves and not being able to see my family. My health has sucked and to be frank… I’ve been lonely, closed off and unheard.

I’ve only had my dogs through all this. Sure I have my kids but most they have ME. I don’t leave them. But through all this I have no one but my dogs and they have been amazing for me. I hate to admit it but There’s have been times I have felt like even God has looked the other way.

So much has happened. They say it isn’t until you have some distance… sometime to look back to see God’s works that you get to see the big big picture, all His planning. You can see why the pain was there and why you had to go through somethings or leave someone or some place. There’s a lesson in the hurt. If you listen and you trust, faith, I guess… if you let it all flow then the plans of God’s Will for your life will be better than what you ever could have pictures or wanted or even thought for yourself in any of your wildest dreams.

I never thought I’d even like California and I’m finding myself calling these mountains “my” mountains and the ocean is “my” ocean. This place is hard to live in but somehow I’m living here. Not surviving… living… exploring and trying new things and enjoy it.

Sadness happens and I get frustrated at times …who doesn’t. My humanness will never stop.

I’m just happy right now and I’m embracing that and doing everything I can to live everyday that I got loving my sweet animals, my family, the relationships in my life and this amazing place I call home!

xoxo sk

Coming up… Back Together

From Minnesota To California

I am currently enjoying some much needed time with my people from Minnesota!

I can’t believe they made it here! However it is one of the worst winters in history in the mid-west so I guess I understand why the California sun is calling!

Currently I am working on taking tons of photos and videos! I can’t wait to put it all together to share it with you all!

So… keep a lookout for my upcoming blog/vlog! Hope you enjoy it!

Xoxo 💋 sk

Preparing For Our First Visitors In California

Our First Visitors And First Friends

This is so exciting! Our first friends will be our first visitors here in California! This is our weekend preparing for our friends to visit!

When we moved to Minnesota we knew not a single soul! The day we meet The Anderson Family was life changing for our family. I finally didn’t feel totally alone, the kids had neighborhood friends and Jason could be… well… Jason with other people. They were our first and very best friends in Minnesota and they became family to us.

Soon Our Minnesota peeps will be escaping their below negative temperatures and enjoying our sandy beaches and sunny weather…and our traffic…can’t forget that!

Here are just a few pictures/videos that I took as we explored Oxnard, CA and the channel Islands to look at some Airbnbs.

I did enjoy the relaxing sounds of the ocean. I hope you do too!

Here are some picture from our weekend adventure preparing for friends and enjoying the beach.

Here are a few videos I took of us on the Beach and from our drive as we prepare for friends to visit. Enjoy!

 

Thanks for tagging along with us! Hope you feel share my blog with other and share your opinion with me too! I  would to know what you think! Comment/Share/Subscribe

https://www.airbnb.com This is the website we used to find our vacation rental! Give a look!

Also check out my blog Cali Bound!

This was back when we we making our drive from Minnesota all the way to the Golden State of California!

https://fabricthatmademe.com/2018/09/24/cali-bound/

Table for one

I’m sitting here at Denny’s by myself and I’m good with!

It’s different, feeling alone and actually being alone.

Being alone on Purpose is interesting.

I’m taking everything in around. I wondering if I seem weird or sad to others, if they even notice me at all?

I see a group of old retired men. They are having many different conversations within their group.

I can’t help but wonder if one day I might be so blessed to have a group of my own to reminisce with one day.

There’s a few tables of moms with small children. They’re doing their best to keep their littles happy, cutting up pancakes and wiping faces. There is one table that I see with a Mom and a Dad. They have two young children, both under 3. That table is a mess! God bless you parent for even attempting this!

Then there’s the professionals… totally here to discuss work or maybe complain. They look miserable. Maybe it’s just me and my Extreme dislike for suits!

There’s also one large table tucked in the back with what looks like college age boys. I says boys because I see skinny jeans and perfectly under touched white Keds. How sweet.

I only see one table with a couple in here and there’re ignoring each other. Maybe I shouldn’t be so annoyed when this happens to me. Maybe this is just marriage.

Now for others like me.

I’m surprised how many table for one that I see. At least 6 tables have just one person, sitting by themselves. However, I am the only female…. holy cow! Correction another women just walked in and looks to be alone, like me!

She much older, maybe in her 60s. But funny thing, we’re dressed the same! Sweatpants and a t-shit. Our hair is up in a ponytail and we both are wearing glass. She’s opened a book and has started to read… I writing! Damn! Is this my future self? At least she looks content.

I think this experience. Is good for me. I get to take my time eating and just observed!

I can sit wherever the hell I want. Normal my daughter declares before we even open the door that I WILL sit next to her and I always end up next to the wall. I always have to take her to the bathroom several times throughout our meal. That’s all just annoying, since rarely does she ever actually have to go to the bathroom!

I end up eating so fast that I always feel sick afterwards! I have to be done and ready to go when my husband says “let’s go”! Maybe this is better for me every now and then.

New experience. It’s definitely different but good for me.

Xoxo sk

Home Sweet Temporary House

Everyone Is Content ❤️

We are finally settled in apartment! It’s beautiful! I drink my coffee as the early morning fog settles around the Santa Monica hills, the pups are at home in my bed as usual. The kids love all the places to walk to and the pool! This Place is nicer than any house I’ve ever lived in! We enjoy the pool and the sunshine together but more important than that is we went to church this morning! Praise God! Only moved in on Friday and went church on Sunday!

Making A New Home

It has only been a few days here and I feel at home. This sunshine helps my depression 100 % and my body pain is at a zero! The only anxiety I ha e felt at all was driving from LAX back to our house! I know I will have some ups and downs because that’s life and I’m only human. I love this community we are in right now, the school, our church we went to today… I was moved to tears! I know with guidance from God, we will be fine. I just need to be quite long enough to hear Him!

Xoxo 💋 sk

Cali Bound

Back At It…

Yesterday was… a lot! We drove about 8 hours on very little sleep and we’re extremely overwhelmed with emotions. Saying goodbye was harder than we thought it would be! But It felt amazing to get to our hotel and hit that soft bed after that drive!

We went through North Dakota, South Dakota, Iowa and finally landed in Nebraska. Our hotel was in a little place called Grand Island, NE. We all were counting down the last hours, minutes to that hotel. All we could think about was that bed!

That bed… it was amazing! Maybe I was just because we were all so tired but I’m pretty sure that was the nicest bed ever in a hotel ever! Either way this morning we all woke up feeling like brand new! Sleep does a brain good! Now ready to get back on the road!

Today…

Excited for today! It’s 4 hours to Wray Colorado! This is where my Dads side of our family lives and we plan to stop to have lunch with my Aunt, Uncle and Grandparents! It has been far to long since I’ve seen my family so I’m so happy 😁 for today! This is the part of the trip my heart has been craving!

From there we are headed to Aurora Colorado to stay with my Dad tonight and have dinner with The Meg and my friends! It’s gonna be a good day! My heart needs this! I think my kids really need this family time too.

On a side note… I wish Jason understood how bad we needed this family time and allowed us move of it.

It’s time to get truckin’ along!

Xoxo sk