A Road Trip…

20150904_184532While I sat in the car with good spirits and only slightly nauseated for the 14 hour drive ahead of us, I knew I needed to keep a light and joyful  demeanor for everyone. I am carrying the atmosphere of this car and my spirit requires positivity, patients and JOY! I also needed to build up the courage to meet this challenge, WHAT HAPPINESS LOOKS LIKE to us, I  set for myself with Jas. I needed to block low vibes for the family, which meant I had to block them for me and I would have to channel my power to keep up the atmosphere in this car for the better. 

What was surprising in this task is that it wasn’t much of a task at all! As I have been meditating and changing my words and thoughts for a little while now. I guess you can say “faking it till I make it”  it has become easier to do and my family is doing the same. I heard Gigi, my 7 year old daughter in the back seat getting annoyed at her brother and she took some deep breathes and said ” good vibes in, low vibes out”. I just smiled to myself. Normal, it would have been yelling at each other to knock it off and keep your damn hands to yourself! The kids have been mediating with me for just a short time but what a world of difference it’s made for all of us. Sliver lining… I wouldn’t have known the power I have in creating a positive atmosphere and how my family vibes off me so greatly if it wasn’t for this road trip. Blessed I am! 

As I have mentioned in my past blog, my challenge was to discuss and write out WHAT HAPPINESS LOOKS LIKE to me and Jas. We are doing this without any judgement from each other and worry of judgement from family or friends. It sounds easy but it isn’t. So many times we plan our lives around what we know is expected of us and when you have done this as long as Jas and I have, it becomes an ugly habit you don’t even realizes you are living. You then are being a judgmental jerk yourself to others and it holds you back from your true happiness! It’s a heavy pressure of crap no one wants for themselves or to put on someone else. Once you break free of your judgement, you break free of fear of judgement from others! Then WHAT HAPPINESS LOOKS LIKE changes from what thought…

As Jas and I made our way to Colorado we discussed our Happiness plan and one thing for sure was what we thought and what we know to be true for us was now very different. Once we release control of our judgements, fears and exceptions, everything changed. This move to Minnesota has changed us, grown us, made us stronger and opened us up to LOVE in ways we had never expected. I will say for that I am beyond grateful!

So as we headed down the highway I pulled out my journal/notebook that I take everywhere with me and we began to open up. Jas started and I listened and I before you knew it we had it writen out.

WHAT HAPPINESS LOOKS LIKE TO US…

*Financial  Freedom- which will lead us to=

~Simple things in life-ending the chaos, which is a big cause of our stress and my anxiety and depression. It’s time to enjoy the simple things… the sunset, the sound of wind in the trees, the smell of my coffee in the morning, listening to kids laughing! Be thankful for what we have now… stop thinking it going to be better later and enjoy right now in this moment.

~Down sizing our home- just enough room for everyone to have their own space, is plenty enough! No more getting lost in the stuff that only cause of stress and pain.

~Having a savings account 🙂

~Being better prepared for life and the unexpected

~Being able to help others in their time of need or just being able to give!

~Travel and Explore- Making memories with our family and friends is what we want, not things. Explore the world God has put in front of us!

All this brought us to different elements of our life one being….. our home needs. I am home taking care of our family much of the time alone. I have alway done this for the most part but it’s completely different now because we are in a new place. I am starting all over. I am not Sarah the teacher, Sarah the sister, Sarah Alan and Nadine daughter or even Sarah mom of two kids. I am just Sarah now. That’s an awesome and frighting thing! What and where I live is important to my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. I never considered this when we first moved to Minnesota but I see it in a huge way now and I will be more in tuned to this when we move again this spring.

*Home Needs-to feel free and comfortable=

~Need a place to keep me connected to the word!- This means I can’t live in the middle of nowhere. I need a town or small city I can manage well on my own, have space for quite and privacy and still interact with people. ** Such as walking to a gym, yoga, shops, dinning, parks, dogs parks and kids friendly. I need a good community to be a part of! I know now isolation is detrimental to my overall health and therefore my families health as well.

~Mental Health- being around an outgoing community to engage with will keep me from retreating back into myself and keep the depression from creeping in! Being able to interact with others will help me to know I am okay and will be okay. Anxiety has been a tough one for me but never this hard since I have moved. I have always felt people give me anxiety and too many people around still can but being part of a group of people I can trust gives me comfort.

~Personal Space- As we considered housing options we never thought of considering before from our “norm” we are now open to things such as town homes, condos, brownstones and such, it’s very important to make sure all 4 of us and our 2 pups have personal space to call their own! I have to recognize that although I have my needs to keep me functioning, my kids and husband have their needs too.

~Storage/Cars- ( I know this might seem ridiculous! But for our life it’s isn’t. Because of past decisions we need to make some new decision to free us from some burdens. Now that we are looking at things through the lens of LOVE and without fear of judgment, we need to reevaluate any choices we have made before in judgement!)

-Possible sale of camper- why did we buy this? Was it for us or because we thought this would make us better parents and more likable to our kids??  We also have to pay to store the camper. Also without the camper I don’t need to get a truck to haul it and can get a vehicle from my husband’s company which goes back to Financial Freedom (still in discussion) And it gives me the Freedom to choose my vehicle and not my circumstances forcing me into a decision!

-Storage- We move often! So we want to be able bring along mementoes but not things that are unnecessary. When we look for our next home we need a garage and some storage but only for what we need. Understand the difference between wants and needs is very important. Having 8 LARGE tubs of christmas decoration is NOT necessary …WHY DO I HAVE THIS!!

~Health- We both want and need to lose some serious LBS!! In the past we have always worked out together and Jas has lost weight easier than I but we both enjoy the time together. Ever more important than that we connect and our mental health gets repaired in the process! WORKING OUT and losing some LBS for our maxim health is a must on this Plan!

-Also Cook together! We are apart often but when we are together make it a team effort and make it healthy! I look forward to this! We have always had fun cooking together in the past but over time it turned into “my reasonability” and I have NOT enjoyed it even a tiny bit! The work of cooking, then watching no one eat it and then cleaning it all up while everyone sits so relaxed on the couch watching TV! I am over that! Let’s do it together! I am not the only one eating after all!

– Healing of our minds and bodies in whichever way works for us- I do Meditation, Yoga, exploring essential oils and making sure I get my heart rate over 100 BPM  for 45 minutes 4-5 times a weeks. Jas is able to go to a gym so he will do that and be very aware of what he eats and drinks! He is also exploring essential oils. I am very excited for diving in to more to the essential oils world! I am totally hooked!

LAST BUT THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT…

~Marriage/Us- Because we are apart ALL THE TIME, we need to be ON PURPOSE! What that means is we have to go out of our way for each other. We can’t be casual or let things go. It’s just to easy to let it go forever and create a marriage of distance and resentment.

-Text more- something is more than nothing. An emoji smile or heart, a quick “thinking about you”. It feels good. Everyone wants that.

– Good morning/Good night call- It just has to happen. You may have to unload a full days worth of crap on each other or maybe you have nothing to say at all. If it’s FaceTime or just a call, you need a Good morning, I love you and a Good night, I love you… You need it.

-Make the most of our TIME- First we never know when it’s “our time” so make the most of the time you have, laugh more, smile more, pray more, date your spouse more, connect with friends and family more, remember yourself care more… just be happy more but also on a less earth shaking side of things… Jas is away from his family all week. He needs to connect will his kids, wife and get re-centered with the Universe again before he’s on the road again.

~Be a team- Life will be full of good and not so good times. Take care of each other through both! If you both know you’re in this journey together no matter how hard it might get, you’ll never turn in to enemies through it. And the good times will be that much sweeter! Remember you’re in together! God, each other, kids, everyone else… that’s how it goes!

~Be more carefree and less scared- This is something I am working on. I have anxiety, depression and I may have a bit of OCD. This can make me a tough person to live with. I am acknowledging this and tackling this struggle of mine head on. Because I want to be carefree. I want to be outgoing. I want to smile, laugh…. I mean really laugh! I want a body that doesn’t hurt and isn’t painfully sleepy! So I am working hard on being less scared of the world and of people and more carefree. I am trusting the Universe, my God has my back.

 

**you can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the end. C.S Lewis

 

The J word…

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That ugly word is JUDGMENT! That’s right! We all do it but we would never want to admit it. That’s what is done to us but we don’t do to others… oh no because that’s so wrong! Well, it is wrong but maybe not for the reason you thinking…

So I have mentioned before in my other blogs that I am reading the book The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein. In this last chapter we talked about… you guessed it, THE UGLY J WORD… JUDGMENT!  And I did not realize how judgement had been hurting me. And not just others judgements towards me but my judgments towards others.  What she said was amazing to me! I mean I was mind blown… Basically, Judgments that’s we put out there are exactly what we are worried about being judged for! I really had to think about this for awhile. I actually reread this part a few times. Then I questioned it! What am worried about being judged for? What do I judge others for? After contemplating on this for awhile. I agreed and saw it. What we judge in others IS what you judge in yourself! Yes! Gabrielle Bernstein, I see it now!!!

I am so worry to point of needing anxiety meds because of the pressure, the heaviness, the weight of being what I think everyone expects me to be. I mean, I have alway thought they was a “right” way to grow up and become an adult. I feel like I have pretty much nailed it…not really! I graduated high school without having a baby… I got my education and married a great guy. We followed the booked and bought a house and then had a baby. We had good jobs and new cars… everything was looking up. Till one day it wasn’t. We lost it all…almost. Thank God we still had each other.

We could at this moment had learned a huge lesson and in part we did. We got right with our finances and although this process took years to do, we finally saved up a downpayment and…. drumroll please… bring in the judgement.… we bought another huge house! Because that’s what we think makes us the “right” type of grow ups! We want kids in these neighborhoods, in these houses, having these nice computers, these phones, toys, and in these activities. And as adults we needs the nicest newest cars, fancy watches, campers, boats, vacations for the family! If you’re doing it right then you are doing it this way!

I know this looks bad… I feel like a jerk… But Gabby says “Don’t judge yourself for your judgement, know we are all just looking for love.” And that’s it right there. My husband is a great guy and I love him so much! He too has the same crazy issue as me. We want to be excepted and loved. We wait for the “you guys are doing great!” or “you both have made a wonderful family.” We have never gotten that. We go over broad with this. Because in turn what has happened is this Judgement has separated us. It separates us for others and from love…from our connection to God! Gabby talks about this in her book much more deeply.

But what I realized after more thought was that I was looking at people through my fears and my past experiences. Things I didn’t want anyone to know, pressures that were placed upon me or I things had lived through and was scare of. For example maybe a family of 4 lives in a condo and ate fast food two or more nights a week. I would have thought…WOW! I would never! I am doing so much better by my kids.  But LOOK at me! I am stressed out and lost! Who’s to say I am better than them or happier for that matter?? I am caught up in fear and I need to feel love and so badly want a way out of this feeling that I’ve got all my family trapped in it. I over did it with our house and filled with crap! This stuff WAS ALL IN THE HOPE IT WAS GOING TO KEEP OTHERS FROM JUDGING ME. In the end it was all a big lie anyway. I am not upset about the way others choose to live. I am upset by the way I choose to live.

So now what do I do. Judgement is our dirty EGO and it’s draining our happiness. But even worst I have had this very nasty habit now for so long that I am not 100% sure what it is that will make me happy anymore. Do I even want a house? Maybe I want a brownstone in the city where can walk everywhere? I just don’t know. We have to many TV’s… far to many couches and toys, clothes, and just junk.  I am ready to let go. I did all this because of judgement. But now I am witnessing my judgment and I am asking forgiveness. I want to see LOVE in others and see the reflection of my LIGHT. I want to see people for the first time, nonjudgemental eyes, like looking threw a lens of LOVE. I don’t want to bring my baggage with me and put in on them.

So I forgive myself for my judgements. I’m letting go of them now. I am choose again and this time I choose LOVE.

 

Side note: Finding our happy place. My bunch of 4 plus 2 fur babies will be driving back to Colorado from Minnesota for Christmas this year. While on this road trip I thought it might be a good ideal to start brain storming on what happiness looks like for us as a family. No outside influences.  Have you ever really thought about what would make you happy without worrying about others? It’s time!

 

My Faith Statement

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Here it is! This is so important to me! My Faith Statement, I trust in this and I trust I am being guided. I am leaning on God fully with joy and letting go of control!

**FAITH STATEMENT**

Lord God I am open only to you.

Fill my soul with YOUR light of LOVE, JOY, PEACE and HAPPINESS.

Take away worry, pain and evil that may follow me.

GOD pull me into your presence.

Cover me with YOUR ENERGY and LIGHT only you can give.

I trust YOU to guide me and I will be open to YOUR guidance.

Show me and I will follow.

Thank you for LOVING ME!

 >>>Quote For Today 12/19/2017

MOTIVATION IS LIKE FIRE, UNLESS YOU CONTINUE TO ADD FUEL TO IT, IT WILL GO OUT.

-W. CLEMENT STONE