Clear Eyes

And I think to myself… what a wonderful world 🌎

If I want my world to be 💕

My voice doesn’t need to be the loudest🌊

To changes Hearts ♥️ & move mountains 🏔

Remembering who I am & who God has Called me to be 🙏🏼

Listening to the inner voice ♥️ to direct & give me strength 💪🏽

Sometimes I’m shaken & broken 💔 but only to wipe away dirt from my eyes 👀

My vision is restored & heart ❤️ is back in place 🙏🏼

I see truth for what it is and I am at peace ✌🏽

xoxo sk

Encouragingly Hopeful

Encouragingly Hopeful

 

 

 

It’s been years since I’ve had a real hopeful feeling. Feelings of enjoyment, cheerfulness and being positive have been rare. Any confidence at all has been unusual in my world. I can actually pinpoint the times that I’ve felt that good-happy, optimism magical power!

With that said, the last few weeks I’ve had a twinge of looking forward to the future. The hopefulness I’ve had lately is unusual since the last two months is quite possibly the worst days my family have had yet and if I was going to be feeling any way at all, feeling hopeful would be unlikely but here I am.

    Maybe It’s Him…

Reconnection and trusting have been the best gift.

It hasn’t been easy reconnecting and finding my way back back to fully trusting again. Praying before I fall asleep, devotions with my morning coffee, Bible Studies and listening to music that encourages me to be faithful. Maybe it’s God.

Maybe I’m able to make it through this difficult time because I have my life preserver back. My Faith. Things are still hard. Really hard actually but I just know somehow it’s not going last. We’re right around the corner from sunshine and being able to breath again. I feel it.

B****hes on a Budget…

We’re broke! Jason has a good job and it’s not just a check to check- J.O.B, it’s a good career. I’m working too! We truly shouldn’t have to live this way. Selling our belonging to get groceries and pay our bills is our new normal right now. We have every right to be upset and frustrated at our circumstance. California has been hard for many reasons but one that has hurt the hardest is in our wallets.

Financially we have taken a huge painful hit! Our credit and our savings….it’s in a sad state now and getting caught back up will be tough. Living here has been eye opening in that way, along with others. But yet, I still feel like we will rise from the ashes somehow.

We’ve had to start over before. There was a time in our life that I thought we’d never never stop treading water. Not only did we come back from that terrible time in our life but we were better than ever. Actually we’ve been in that “start over” place a few times before and every time we come back better than we thought we every could be.

 

The Good News…

I have had my deep Faith forever, even in my shaky and unstable younger years. Around 6 years old in my Sunday school classroom was when I learned how to pray and who God is. My Faith and belief in God has never stopped since then.

Only since we made the move to California did I struggle so badly that my faith fell away; I barely noticed, it just drifted away. Believing in the existence of God and the word of The Bible hasn’t chanced for me but I guess following and being purposeful changed for me. I wasn’t seeking Jesus out anymore and if anything I think I may have let the darkness in because of it.

Sometimes, I think being so broken (all the time) is what keeps me searching for God and knowing I can’t find my way through this crazy broken place without Jesus. Quite possibly this season in our life might be guiding not just me but all of us back to Him. My whole family.

Bring It All Together

California to Massachusetts to Texas to Colorado to Tennessee to who knows wheres…

Our family is all over the map. This is a hard thing for me when I have lived more years close to family then not. The crazy thing that I’m trying to get my sensitive mind around is that my parents are going to moving out of Colorado, which is my home State. They are selling the house that I lived in half my life.

I believe we all have our path but I also believe even stronger that God is guiding us where we’re meant to be. He is giving us the opportunity to do better right now.

They reason that I feel this way is because LITERALLY 🤯 everyone in my family has a black rain cloud over their head right now. We’re all walking through a storm of a season right now and it basically has been a few years of a rough ride for all of us. Some more than others.

Absolutely, we all need to do what’s best for our life and our mental, emotional health..whatever it might be. However, I believe that what’s happening right now to all of us is….preparing us, it’s teaching us, and again… He is guiding us for something better.

Although we may not ever live down the street again from each other and have family BBQs every week every again, I do believe our relationships and general happiness in life will improve in ways we can’t even imagine.

 

 

Why Understanding The Seasons Of Life…

How to Stay Positive in Negative Situations

Why Is Family Important

Check out my blog post *Times Goes By

 

XOXO sk

Don’t let me fall

Don’t let me fall

Don’t let me fall

Reach for me in the dark

Let me know your here

Don’t let me fall

I’m still real close to edge

Steady me when I’m unbalanced

Don’t let me fall

Reassure me I’m not alone in this fight

Remind me who you are

Don’t let me fall

Be my breath when I can’t breathe

Be my quiet when it’s too loud

Don’t let me fall

Be my calming place when I’m lost in the storm

Be my strength when I’m too weak

Don’t let me fall

Save me when I can’t save myself

Protect me when I hurt

Don’t let me fall

Make me believe the things that I lost hope in

Make the hard decision that hurt but are right

I’m waiting on you…

Xoxo sk

Do You See Me

 

Do You See Me

I don’t recognize myself anymore.

The eyes of this person are empty.

Yet a heart still beats, blood still flows.

I don’t trust the thoughts in my head.

Numb to feeling, blind to the light.

Where did the person I was go?

Do you see me?

When did this happen to me?

My legs move, I know that I exist.

I am not real anymore.

I’m a only ghost.

Do you see me?

Going through the motions.

People depend on me.

Keep my head up and solider on.

One foot in front of the other.

Force it, do it everyday and be okay.

Do you see me?

Take my pills to dull the pain.

Make me who I need to be.

I’ll be fine.

I’m not scared for me.

 The future is not my concern.

No control, security, planning for a life for you.

Why am here?

Do you see me?

The wheel is not in my hands.

What’s next for me?

I wait for someone to tell me.

My life is blank to me.

 I am nothing.

I am a character in someone else’s book.

The real me is so distance, I don’t remember her.

Do you see me?

I don’t belong here.

Unlikeable, different, and I don’t fit in.

Will never have the chance to find a real home.

I’m  trapped, can’t look for a place to call home.

Prison, poison, trauma in life…stifle it, push it down.

Like a child, unseen, unheard.

Do you see me!

You’re tired of hearing it.

These tears are getting old.

They are drying up.

Things that matter don’t anymore.

Soon but ash.

Caged by my own mind.

The silents is so loud.

I want to know joy again.

A sleeping coma, I’m living in.

Do you see me?

Mostly this is my secret.

No one knows how I am.

People would never know the things I live.

Those who know me, know only what I show.

No one knows me well.

Do you see me?

In my world, it’s dark and repetitive.

The questions never stop and the answers never come.

What will makes me happy?

What’s wrong with me?

What happened?

Why are you like this?

You have to get over this!

What do I want?

What do I need?

Don’t you think if I had the answers to these things that I would be different?

I have a question for you.

Do you see me?

 

https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/04/26/when-words-wont-do/

http://nfrealmusic.com

 

xoxo sk

 

Who Am I Anymore

“Why am I a person?” My daughter ask. “God decided that you needed to be this person, just who you are”, I answered back. “Why did He not make me a dog or a table or someone else?” “Why am I Grace?” “Because there was already plenty of sassy puppies and no table could embrace all that attitude you have and no one else could be as unique as you are because there truly could only be one Gigi.  “mmm…I guess you’re right!” She says ” I do like me.”

 

 

Where did I fall off? Where did I go wrong? Don’t get me wrong…I am proud to have a daughter that loves herself and is kind and fierce at the same time. She is awesome inside and outside! I am truly blessed by the joy she brings into my life. I don’t want to sound blind to that. I am greatly blessed for both my children. Lord knows where I would be right now without them. They seriously are my entire world. And because I want them to have a WHOLE, healthy mom I want to be better. I want to be better for longer. They deserve that.

So how did I fall off. It’s pretty clear I dislike myself and I don’t believe I am good at much. How in the hell did I get this way? I have no confidence at all. It sucks feeling this way. I don’t even trust myself anymore to make good choices. Every choice I make is to better our life and my life, yet it feels like a slow motion mess. I feel like I am moving through a swap of thick mud.

I don’t always feel sad. I wouldn’t even say that I am deeply depressed anymore as much as I am just underwhelmed with my life. I feel stagnant. I am not doing anything but I am trying. I am trying. Am I not trying the right things? Am I not working hard enough? Maybe I am not cut out to do more than just… this…

I have my business JOY on Purpose Essentials and that’s going nowhere fast. I have zero support from friends or family but I don’t blame them… it’s not for everyone. I just thought I would be farther along by now. It’s super disappointing.

I’ve also realized that I really started this blog as a release for myself. I hoped I would connect to others more than I have but it’s okay because I love writing and sharing. It sucks that no one really wants to read my blog. Either way, I still get to write and share and that’s the point. I still I can’t help but wish I had more people interested in it. I love reading everyone’s blogs, articles, books, novels, short stories, poems…I still get to do that even if people don’t enjoy mine.  I’m going to have to be okay with that.

I guess I just wish I was better at my life. My business for starts… I believe in it so much. I have such a passion for these oils and what they have done for me. My health has gotten so much better. I still look like crap in my eyes but I feel a thousand times better. I know it doesn’t sound like I’m doing better because I am throwing a pretty good pity party right now for myself! But honestly, I was a huge wreck on all those meds. If I could only go back in time and make a different choice I would! I so would!

Maybe I just wish the results of all the hard work I have done  would have some good physical pay off! I know that’s pretty shameless of me. How vain! The thing is, I just don’t recognize myself anymore. When I see myself in the mirror I don’t know who that person is looking back at me and I don’t like her too much!  I mean…she’s okay I guess.

I know am a good mom. I take really good care of my kids. They have awesome lives and that’s because I make sure of it. Even if they get mad at me sometimes, it’s okay because I am raising really good humans. So I have that. I am a good mom.

The space I am in right now is hard to grasp. I feel ugly and unsuccessful basically. No one can help with any of this. It’s all on me.

My looks… I don’t know what else to do? I feel like I have done everything I can on my own. I know my doctor would like to send me to another doctor and do a bunch of test and tell me I’m depressed…here’s some meds and a big fat bill…no thanks. I’m so trapped right now.

My un/success.. I have been totally confused for the last year about what I want and maybe that because of this move and this new way of life for me. As a teacher back in Colorado I was able to be a great mom and wife really well. When I needed to be with  my family or do the mommy thing, I could do that. I missed some school parties but for the most part I was always able to balance being a working mom well. And even some time manage a personal life. After all  I made my own money and I had my own friends. But now I never have any freedom…ever. I’m a mom with even a husband around to babysit.  At one time I had something that was mine and I did it all well. What do I have now beside tons and tons a loneliness and emptiness?

Sometime I wonder if Gods purpose for me is not be a leader. Maybe I won’t ever have a big successful business or a popular blog. I won’t ever be the person who’s suppose to be fit and trim or even just fit in. Maybe my purpose will always be a supportive role, a fixture in the back ground.

I support my child and guide them. I support my husband and do my best to make our life as “cared for” as possible. I support my family and “whatever” they might be going through (at the moment) but I just listen and keep my supportive role. Same with my friends, and it was always this way in the work place as well. Support, support, support! Maybe I need to stop trying to be a leader and know my place.

Is being the supportive person really that bad? I’ve never fully embraced it before. Part of me want to reject it with every fiber inside me. I’m almost resentful of it because who is supporting me?

If I want something different I have to do something different, right? But as for now maybr I do just EMBRACE…embrace my supportive role. Why does that feel so wrong? Why does this feel like a life sentence?

 

xoxo sk