Choice and Power

To stay and choose to redefine this new way of being… Now that is true courage!

 

 

The Choice

I have the same power just as you,

so I was told.

The choice to be just as cold.

I to hold this power to disappear when things get hard.

This choice I completely disregard.

I suppose I have the same power as you to be cruel and mean.

My choice is to not be obscene.

However, I understand we are the same in many ways.

We both have known betrays.

Our choices are our power and how we find our power is in our choices.

That’s how people hear our voices…

Now only think how you might be heard or should I say unheard?

 

xoxo sk

16 Quotes About Complaining

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clear Eyes

And I think to myself… what a wonderful world 🌎

If I want my world to be πŸ’•

My voice doesn’t need to be the loudest🌊

To changes Hearts β™₯️ & move mountains πŸ”

Remembering who I am & who God has Called me to be πŸ™πŸΌ

Listening to the inner voice β™₯️ to direct & give me strength πŸ’ͺ🏽

Sometimes I’m shaken & broken πŸ’” but only to wipe away dirt from my eyes πŸ‘€

My vision is restored & heart ❀️ is back in place πŸ™πŸΌ

I see truth for what it is and I am at peace ✌🏽

xoxo sk

My Sweetest Friend (youtube)

Best of friends before there was more.

My sweetest friend, still and forever.

Hurt feelings, painful words, loneness and crushing heartache takes it toll. You’re not the only one with insecurities. You’re not the only one who has fears that the other could just walk away.

We love and we hurt.

Then we fight and keep loving some more.

XOXO sk

#DreamTeam #2001 #2004

 

Check out P!nks Facebook page here P!nk

Enjoy Poems? Here’s few from the past and from some other bloggers I enjoy! Check them out!

Don’t Let Me Fall Me

parallax

The Eclectic Contrarian

 

The Bags I carry

 

 

 

2 years

In the last 2 years I’ve experienced somethings that have really changed my laugh and broken my smile…literally! Thank you Bell’s Palsy!Β 

The amount of change, worry, fear, loneliness and control over every decision made over my life has really crippled me. I hate the person I have become. Never in a million years did I think I would end up this way. I have really confused love.

I’m not sure what’s best for me anymore and that’s a scary thing. I’ve been so isolated and drugged quite frankly that allowing someone to pull the strings has been easy. You don’t realize it’s even happening because every word I eat up and it’s so easy to spin a web in my head. It’s sadly so effortless for me to let challenges go or take the blame, feel the guilt.

Let’s be honest my mental state has been weak for some time now. I have basically disappeared in my life and in my families life in most ways. Sure I take up space and they need me to do things for them. God knows they would starve without me. I’m here to lend an ear and I enjoy our conversations. My sisters always manage to get a laugh out of me here and there. But just because I’m alive doesn’t mean I’m living. I’m not and haven’t been.

 

6 months

The last 6 months may have been the worse yet. The only time in my life since high school that I have thought it’d be fine if I was dead. It’s terrifying when you are able to convince yourself that the world will be fine without. Someone will take over and handle your position. I was okay with, it was weird like I came to peace with it. For awhile when these thought would creep in my head I’d cry and get real sad but after awhile I’d think, “What will be, will be.” and I just didn’t care anymore.

I can honestly say the lack of love and care that I have received, along with not having the ability to control anything over my life has made me stop caring about my life at all. It’s like I’m walk around in a very bad dream but other times ( and most of the time ) I feel like I’m watching myself in someone else’s dream.

 

1 1/2 month

Now, I have had some tiny sparks of life here and there in the last month or so. Like a dead person being brought back to life but not fully. Maybe it’s going to be a process after being part of the walking-dead for long.

I have started to talk a little more and conversations about important topics are now happening, which is why it makes me absolutely insane when I’m told I’m not talking and/or my words start to get turned around or used against me.

I’m making good progress here but I see that door still. It’s just over my shoulder and I look at it often, it’s not far away. I could walk through it at anytime, shut down and go away and stop all this if I wanted to. That’s something I could do. They don’t know what it takes for me every second not to.

 

Sometimes I feel like I’m be taunted.

There are times I find myself crawling back into bed but only for a moment. I just need to give my mind a little break. Break from the needs and wants of everyone. I can’t do much for myself but I can go lay down for just minute. I can give myself that.

Sure, it pisses everyone off because they want me up and doing things for them or at the very less giving them my attention. “Give me a freaking second!”, I yell and then they do but my made to feel the worse Mom ever for it… usually. Being mental disabled is exhausting.

However, I’ve been better about trying to keep the laundry up and the house mostly clean. I read to my kids just about daily and have taken them to the library a few times now ( outings were hard before ). Making dinner and planning ahead has been easier to do most the time. I have my moments but I get it done.

To all of you this may sound obvious… may be not a big achievement.Β  If I read this earlier in my life I would have thought this person was pretty pitiful, “You can’t cook dinner and you’re able to now read to your kids?”Β  What the hell is up with that? I know it’s crazy but I’m not who I was and every month, every day, I’m a new person and I’m fighting a new and terrible freaking struggle that I never imagined.

Now and Moving Forward

As you saw at the top of this post there’s a music video by the artist/musician NF www.nfrealmusic.comΒ 

I like all music and I’ve written about that before, though rap isn’t everyones cup of tea I understand. However, I have a weird connect with NFs’ work it seems. Maybe we are just both really messed up people wanting to not be and he just happens to be far better at words than I am.

I listen to each word, each song and I think YES! That’s what I’m feeling but I didn’t know how to say it or how to explain it to someone else. His music has been good for me to share to help explain how I feel but also to be better.

You should smile more. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you talk to me?

When you’ve been down that road so many times…you know your words evaporate into air, no ones really hearing you. It’s been hard for me to explain myself because I really want someone to talk to me, not at me. I want someone to care but not dictate my every move. And for F-sakes, sometimes I’m not thinking anything…I’m just being. Please forgive me if a genuine smile doesn’t come easy anymore. I’m a broken person.

The thing I have found as I battle, is we are all a little broken. Some are better at hiding it, others moving pass it and heal it, then theres me. I’m like waves in the ocean. One minute I feel like I’m healed…my brokenness is mended but then the next I’m a raging storm. I can move mountain, destroy buildings, reck my very soul and then theres this very creepy and eerie stillness that comes…I know this stage all to well and this part of me is probably the most dangerous time for me.

I’m distant, silent and still, as if I don’t exist at all. You’re not sure if the storm has moved on and the sun will soon come out or if round two will rear it’s ugly head. This non-movement can go on for weeks, months…my mind is busy convincing me that this is what it’s like without you… I don’t need to be here…. walk through that door… just go and end this pain.

At that point I am basically dead, a lifeless corpus just going through the motions but just hardly. I’m waiting for it to end…hoping God will just jerk the wheel because I’m too scared to do it myself. There’s still apart of me that wants to live and even misses that feeling of joy. I’m sure after awhile of my miserable lethargic disappearance that the “living” people around me start wishing for the storm to return, at least than you’d know I’m alive and fighting for something. I start wishing for it too.

As of now and the last few weeks I’ve been praying and reconnecting spiritual. I never realize how hard it’s be to reconnect to God after being so far away from Him. I’ve always had a very strong faith even in the hardest of times. I can’t put my finger on why things have slipped away….why I have slipped away. I guess it way so gradual that I didn’t see the distant until I was so far away that I couldn’t see Him, feel Him and I didn’t think of my spiritual life at all.

The last thing I want to be is a person who only calls on God in a crisis. I can’t deny I’m in a crisis and I’m calling on Him… a lot. I’m rebuilding that relationship and trying to find my place again. I guess if being in the totally nightmare was Gods way of shaking the shit out of me and wake me up then I’m glad for it. Don’t get me wrong…I’m done with this lesson…I don’t want to learn anything else.

Baby steps it is. I’m slowly gaining my confidence back and trying to take my life back. I know in this process I may have to make some hard calls but I’m willing to do it. No one said this was going to easy and I wasn’t going to be uncomfortable trying to figure this out but it’s a means to an end. I have to aim at something, Arise and go! The wondering and being lost is over. I want to have some control and have peace.

My faith was shaken and maybe even gone…defiantly on pause. That needs to be reignited for sure and number one. The rest will come and I am getting it in order. I am, I promise.

Living arrangements, I’ll be totally truthful… you all know about as much as I do on that. I could be sleeping in my truck…hell I don’t know. But I do have some choices to make. There’s a few other things that need to happen first before that can be talked about.

When the conversation happens I need to stay calm…I need to stop crying.

My marriage…well it’s comes and goes. We both want it to be good and we have love for each other so that something. But the sweet unstoppable friendship we had. That wittiness and closeness that no one could break… It’s not there. I have hope we’ll get that back and that this stress of life has just weighted us down and broke us sadly. As we lighten our burdens and move forward things will get better and we remember the way we were maybe it will be better, stronger. I only hope.

 

Lastly, I want to include one other NF video that really hit me. I don’t want to just walk through this life asleep, numb and waiting for my real death. I want to live and love to my real potential and stop letting anyone hold me back from that.

 

 

xoxo sk

Don’t let me fall

Don’t let me fall

Don’t let me fall

Reach for me in the dark

Let me know your here

Don’t let me fall

I’m still real close to edge

Steady me when I’m unbalanced

Don’t let me fall

Reassure me I’m not alone in this fight

Remind me who you are

Don’t let me fall

Be my breath when I can’t breathe

Be my quiet when it’s too loud

Don’t let me fall

Be my calming place when I’m lost in the storm

Be my strength when I’m too weak

Don’t let me fall

Save me when I can’t save myself

Protect me when I hurt

Don’t let me fall

Make me believe the things that I lost hope in

Make the hard decision that hurt but are right

I’m waiting on you…

Xoxo sk

Tug-a-war

Push the boulder

Climb the mountain

Hide in the box

Beat the wall

Close it tight

Lock the door

Squeeze it tight till you can’t breathe anymore.

Search through the Valley

Lost in dark

Hear the small voice

Carry the weight

Bury it deep

Play the part

Secure the room

Plant your feet

Take a step

Break the bricks

Stack the stones

Hear my chest tick

Lost the way

Find a light

See a dream

Pull it up

Hold a hand

Take the cup

Drink it up

Say a prayer

Open the door

Leave the room

Breathe it in

Feel the heart

Set it free

Here it goes

Oh, Lord watch over me…

Xoxo sk

In My Shoes

You wouldn’t last a day

In My Shoes…

It’s easy to do my inventory from where you stand.

The view sure looks different from where you are.

How quickly we forget our own dirty little secrets.

You have no clue why I do what I do.

There’s not a chance you’d last a day

In My Shoes. 

Now try for it a month.

Oh, hell…How ’bout a few years?

Battle where I’ve walk even longer than we’ll talk.

I’d be shocked if you made it through the day.

 

How easy it must be to judge me.

You look down on me so smug.

Have you lived this life?

Have you ever done the the things I’ve had to do?

I could run circles around you.

Please, make no mistake.

Even in the weakest, beat down to ground and can’t take another step…

I would still out last you.

You wouldn’t even know where to start

In My Shoes.

So for heaven sake have some class.

Remember your manners and your place.

Because one thing is for sure.

You are not equipped to be

In My Shoes.

What I have been through that made me this strong or

the things that make me feel weak, would kill you.

The wars I have faced would keep you up at night.

If you don’t know then shut up.

The fairy tale you know is just that.

In My Shoes

we deal with Real shit.

 

 

https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/04/28/do-you-see-me/

Check out Do You See Me if you haven’t yet. It’s was a hard one to write and very meaningful to me.

https://www.pinterest.com/skellylou303/

For more “Meaningful Words To Me” quotes for to my Pinterest page above

 

 

To my fellow writing community that messages me…Thanks for being so supportive. It means so much to me. Ya’ll have no idea. You’re getting me through. 🀟🏽

xoxo sk

 

 

Do You See Me

 

Do You See Me

I don’t recognize myself anymore.

The eyes of this person are empty.

Yet a heart still beats, blood still flows.

I don’t trust the thoughts in my head.

Numb to feeling, blind to the light.

Where did the person I was go?

Do you see me?

When did this happen to me?

My legs move, I know that I exist.

I am not real anymore.

I’m a only ghost.

Do you see me?

Going through the motions.

People depend on me.

Keep my head up and solider on.

One foot in front of the other.

Force it, do it everyday and be okay.

Do you see me?

Take my pills to dull the pain.

Make me who I need to be.

I’ll be fine.

I’m not scared for me.

 The future is not my concern.

No control, security, planning for a life for you.

Why am here?

Do you see me?

The wheel is not in my hands.

What’s next for me?

I wait for someone to tell me.

My life is blank to me.

 I am nothing.

I am a character in someone else’s book.

The real me is so distance, I don’t remember her.

Do you see me?

I don’t belong here.

Unlikeable, different, and I don’t fit in.

Will never have the chance to find a real home.

I’m  trapped, can’t look for a place to call home.

Prison, poison, trauma in life…stifle it, push it down.

Like a child, unseen, unheard.

Do you see me!

You’re tired of hearing it.

These tears are getting old.

They are drying up.

Things that matter don’t anymore.

Soon but ash.

Caged by my own mind.

The silents is so loud.

I want to know joy again.

A sleeping coma, I’m living in.

Do you see me?

Mostly this is my secret.

No one knows how I am.

People would never know the things I live.

Those who know me, know only what I show.

No one knows me well.

Do you see me?

In my world, it’s dark and repetitive.

The questions never stop and the answers never come.

What will makes me happy?

What’s wrong with me?

What happened?

Why are you like this?

You have to get over this!

What do I want?

What do I need?

Don’t you think if I had the answers to these things that I would be different?

I have a question for you.

Do you see me?

 

https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/04/26/when-words-wont-do/

http://nfrealmusic.com

 

xoxo sk