Clear Eyes

And I think to myself… what a wonderful world 🌎

If I want my world to be 💕

My voice doesn’t need to be the loudest🌊

To changes Hearts ♥️ & move mountains 🏔

Remembering who I am & who God has Called me to be 🙏🏼

Listening to the inner voice ♥️ to direct & give me strength 💪🏽

Sometimes I’m shaken & broken 💔 but only to wipe away dirt from my eyes 👀

My vision is restored & heart ❤️ is back in place 🙏🏼

I see truth for what it is and I am at peace ✌🏽

xoxo sk

Hometown State of Mind

Going Home…

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Welcome To Colorful Colorado

A Hometown State of Mind is just what I need to get centered… the get back to the  fabric that made me. 

I was sitting here trying to recall my last visit home? It’s sad that actually I can’t remember. Christmas in 2017 we went as a family and it was a rushed trip! My anxiety was terribly! I was home once before that in June 2016 I think, for Father’s day, to surprise my parents. That visit was a less than 45 hour turn around for me and I back in Minnesota!

Jason, I and the kids did a short stop in Colorado when we were journeying to California but I was on special orders, that I had NO TIME to make plans with a soul… so I saw no one. We only spent one single night at my parents house before we hit the road again.

Spending less than 2 hours, saying a quick hello-goodbye to my Aunt, Uncle and Grandparents in Wray, CO but then it was all business again and we were back on the road. It wasn’t what I wanted at all. I was really missing and needing my friends and family then. This was probably the start of my down-ward spiral into major depression, I just didn’t know how bad at the time.

All of my two visits to my hometown have been very rushed. Jason can’t take on the kids or handle more responsibilities than his job, so he tends to panics when I’m not around to handle the living-being in our care. Even this current visit coming up to Colorado, Jason is in a frenzy about me leaving and I’m taking the kids with me this time! I mean, let me live, Dude!

Home sick…

Colorado’s 10 Most Picturesque towns

Rocky Mountain National Park

Lost Not Found Blog By www.fabicthatmademe.com

Time for some fun and laugher with people that I miss and love, in a place that I once called home.

It’s been a long time since I really laughed, like a real belly laugh. You know the laughs that make your face go ugly and you start to cry but it feels so good! I need that! I need the ugly, tear streaming down your face kind of laugh! I haven’t had a whole lot of happiness going on for awhile! It’s been too long and I’ve been on survival mode! There’s been no time with friends, no conversations with a single human or really living my best life in this world at all. I’ve been just barely getting by! I’ve said this too many times…I’m like a rat in a cage! But I’ve allow this to happen to me. I did this to myself!

The Biblical Way To Overcome Being a Victim 

**Visit the post above and get empowered! 

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A leader In My Own Life

My happiness comes from inside me and that’s an awesome freedom and scary reality!

I miss my friends, my family and my home. Mostly, I miss making my own life choices and having some freedom in my choices! What I’ve realized is, I can take control of my life and my happiness. It is possible…I can be a leader in my own life. However, not everyone will always be happy with my choices and I have to be okay with that. I also have to know I am responsible for the outcome. I can’t put it on anyone else.

I mean it hasn’t been all bad, I’ve definitely learn some valuable lessons along the way! I’ve made lifetime friends in Minnesota! I’ll be forever grateful for the Andersons and their friendship. California has been a real B***H! It’s because of my brokenness that I found my hope.

While I’m in Colorado I’ll have some time to remember the good times and get caught up with some old friends. I’m excited to have this time to be with my friends and not have anyone to push or pull me into a direction they want. I need this break and I think Jason needs it too.

No Place like home…

So Tuesday I and the kids will be in Colorado for a month. I don’t know what to say other than, I ask for prayers during this time. I’m sure the kids need this just as bad as I do, to see their cousins and grandparents. We needs to be part of something and feel safe and sound again. Our security has been shot. Our peace has been ripped apart but we are on the mend. I have hope for us.

I’ll keep my blog updated with “life”! I’m excited to see where God leads us. I have faith He is hard at work.

xoxo sk

 

A Simple Choice

We have the ability to bring such joy.

Or

We have the choice to bring such pain.

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We people can be the light in someones darkness.

Or

We can be the monster under the bed.

We can the mean girl, the bully in the locker room.

We can be the new found friend who offers a laugh and a smile instead.

Choices

We have them.

We are not above them.

Choose wisely.

You could be saving a life and life just might be your own. 

xoxo sk

“Trying It On”-How to make choices with Faith

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Devotions on making decisions in Faith

How to have confidence my decisions are being made with Gods plans in mind and not my own agenda.

As I have written about in pasted blogs, I’m on a quest to reconnect to my Father Christ. One of the ways that I have been doing this is through reading devotions and Bible Studies on the Bible App

Recently, I finished a few different studies. The first one, titled Make Decisions with Faith and confidence . It was mind blowing just how exact to my life this study was and how much I needed to read every word.  It’s amazing how God knows just what we need, when we need it. Every word was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. I’ve said many times how I wish that I could just send a quick email or text to God and get a response right back letting me what to do. Yes, a prayer to God is like sending a text message but most the time the answers don’t come as clear as getting a text back.

The “Try It On” method that the Bible study talks about is such an awesome way to learn how to make choices. This “Try It On” method supports my connection on a clear FM channel verses the static of an AM channel with The Holy Spirit. The “Try It On” method keeps us accountable and keeps us from becoming stagnate in our fear of make a move. We also have to be in-tune with The Holy Spirit, speak the language, have the relationship or “connection”. That’s pretty powerful, I think.

How many times do we question if we’re making the right choice? Or are so scared that we’ll make the wrong decision, that we end up not making any decisions for ourselves at all. I only wish I had read this devotion/Bible Study sooner.

I know I’ve been the victim of my own fears for years! The pressures of worrying that I’ll disappoint others and lead my family down the wrong path. However, when I am sitting in motionless contemplation, purely relying only on my very limited wisdom and over emotional mental state; I’m wasting away! This is just what the enemy wants. He love us to doubt ourselves and to waste away. What decisions are being made when I’m in a holding pattern like that? No progress will ever be made if I am just “thinking” things over all the time? I’m playing right into the enemy’s hands!

Indecision is a decision too and not a good one.  

The “Try It On” Method

How to make small steps in a direction and wait on God to speak to you.

The example was perfect, like trying on a shirt before you buy it. You wonder the store looking through the racks of clothes until something catches your eye. Then you find the one you “think” will work and you “Try It On”. You see how it fits, what it looks like on… you decide if this is the right shirt for you to buy. That is pretty much how the “Try It On” process works with everything.

Let try something bigger.

Using the example of moving to the great state of California. 🙄

When we got the news that we were moving to California I started to check out the  schools and houses in the area that I thought we might move to. (I of course now would ask WAY more questions than I did before. LESSONS!)

Step 1. As I’m looking for housing -this is me actively taking a step in a direction of moving towards California.  I can see that housing is expensive and we can NOT afford to live here on what we make. But I wasn’t listening to God. Next time I will.

Step 2.  After we moved toward something, what does it feel like? How rough or smooth is the process going? Do you have a little voice telling anything? I remember I didn’t feel good about moving towards California the whole time it was happening but I pushed on.

I had trouble finding housing, schools for my kids, the packers were awful and they broke all our things. A hundred and one things were going wrong! I had a voice in the back of my head telling me that we shouldn’t do this move but I continued to pushed on. I felt defeated for some reason, like I couldn’t turn back. The worries I had about staying in Minnesota were now much more about leaving there. I wasn’t waiting on God or listening to Him at all.

Step 3. Are you a list person? Do like to write everything out? This is me! List keep me organize and on top of things. What I tend to do when I have a decision to make is write out a Pros and Cons list. This sounds like a reasonable thing to do but what I end up doing is putting all my faith in this list.  I’m not listening to God or waiting on Him for direction, only on this piece of paper.

Here’s the reason why the list is wrong. 

Sure, it’s good to get your mind calm and organized but not to rely on your list.

I wrote out a Pros and Cons list myself when we were getting ready to move to California. Everything was pointing to Georgia as weird as that sounds. It was loud and clear ( I’ll dive into that later) Here’s an older blog that I wrote when we first started our moving process- Here We Go Again.  As much as I was focusing on California everything kept coming back to wait on Georgia (so it felt) but I ignored that.

My list was full of Pros for California and as we now know all our time here has not been good at all. While I was pushing towards California like it was my full time job, ever song was about Georgia, ever TV show, I had friends and friends of friends moving there or had some new connection to Georgia. Pretty soon there were so many things in my ear about Georgia but I wasn’t listening because I was full force to California, even though it felt wrong.

Side note: We later found out that Jason’s mentor and the man who hired him was moved to Georgia as the Zone Manager. 

Step 4. Keep making little steps toward a choice while The Holy Spirit directs you which way to step.

Each step I took moving to California was rough and difficult. To say our path was bumping is the understatement of the century. God was clear to us that this was not the right place for us but we made it happen anyway. Now we’re living the consequences for those choices.

The Goodness of God in Bad decisions this blog is excel! Check out more on “our” consequences and a God of miracles.

Second Chances 

I had a chance to take it back but I didn’t.

Our God is a God of Grace and Mercy. He showed me this time and time again but I wasn’t seeing it. The enemy had control and it makes me sick to think I let that happen.

As I mentioned before I couldn’t find a school that could accommodate my kids needs and this was a struggle for me. There were so many moving part to this relocation and the enemy was good at what he was doing to my mind and heart. I was confused and frustrated!  Since I was handling this move all by myself and not leaning on God at all, I felt absolutely responsible for making sure no one was burdened. I wanted to be able to say I was able to do this and made it work.  Again the enemy had made me believe that no one believed in me and I wasn’t able.

I received a called from a lady that coordinated our move. I can’t remember her exact title but I remember having a melt down on the phone with her. I was in my car and I had to pull over, I just cried. I told her how difficult this move was becoming and how worried I was about the schools for my kids.

This lady, I believe her name was Pam, was so kind to me on the phone. She made many calls back forth to me for two days and told that although we had already signed our relocation and many thing have already been in motion that we would get one forgiveness. She explained to me that considering everything that I told her, she believes we qualify for that. I didn’t know what to say to her, because Jason was already in California working.

I told her I needed to think about it and I’d call her back. I struggled with what do. I knew with every bone in body I needed to cancel this move but Jason was already in California. He and I barely spook a word to each other, our communication wasn’t great at this point. All I could think about was how disappointment Jason would be that I couldn’t handle this move. I would have failed. I kept replaying Jason firmly speaking to me “If we do this move…Don’t let it come back on me!” Even though I knew I didn’t want this move, I felt like I had to do it now.

I called Pam back and thanked her for all  that she had done for me but we were going to move forward. This would end up being some of the worse depression that I have ever been in. Suicidal thoughts, marriage tore apart, kids hanging by a thread, living in an over price house thats failing apart…the list goes on. Jason has his own list of troubles.

Mercies and Grace Never Fail

Although these last ten in a half month were some of most terrible months of my life, coming back from the wreckage I think have made me stronger than ever. It’s weird in a way because I’m still very vulnerable. This is an uphill climb for me but I have never felt more connected, more sure of myself in a long time. That feel so amazing. God isn’t just a God of second chances, He is a God of forgiveness and Love. He came to find His lost. I was one of lost for sure and I’ve been found but still am a work in progress.

This post Billy Graham’s My Answer: Does God Give Us Second Chances is a a great read. Much better at explaining  how God loves beyond the second or third time we humans mess up… Check it out.

Conclusion

You can’t move in a parked car.

At some point I have to arise and go. I have to put a little pressure on the gas petal so God can put my steering wheel to use. At the same time I need to allow the little voice called The Holy spirit to speak to me. When it does, that’s the way the steering wheel should turn.

If I would have listened ten in a half months ago I would have yanked that wheel around! But thankful God is full of Miracles and I truly believe He will turn this very unpleasant venture into something we will end up being very thankful for. I can’t even believe I’m saying that. But With God anything is possible.

 

Hope you all enjoyed this blog! Thanks for all your comments, LIKES & love along the way! All your encouragement really make a impact as I keep blogging and getting my feet under me! 

xoxo sk

 

 

 

 

I’m that Mom…

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Am I awful? I hate having my kids in a bunch of activities. My friend is probably the best Mom that ever lived. Her kids are in multiple things, she keeps track of what they’re watching on TV and she doesn’t cuss around them. Seriously, she’s my hero! Did I mention that she makes them dinner ever night? She’s amazing…God Bless her! She also works outside her home while taking care of damn near everything inside her home.

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I don’t have it in me to put my kids in sports or activities. Some of it, is that I hate…hate the idea of giving up our weekends to gather with tons of other screaming kids. I loath it. I like my weekends to be free to do nothing or everything or whatever but not that, for god-shakes!

The money. I am not rolling in the dough here. I don’t want to give our hard-earned cash to watch my child stand in the outfield and cry because the sun is out! I will not watch my child wander around the gymnastic floor lost because the trainer/teacher there is too busy getting the smaller siblings off the floor so she can do her job. What a waste for all of us. I don’t have the big bucks to put them in fancy Academy’s and if I did I still don’t think I would. Because I hate it!

I am not a soccer mom, a hockey mom, baseball mom, dance mom or anything thing like that. I do feel like this makes me a slacker of a mom at times…I do. But my heart’s just not in it.

I had my son in swimming for about a year. He didn’t like it but he needed to learn how to swim. I took him only two days a week for 6 weeks. In that time we missed two lessons because we were on road trips…we like to travel. He never complained if he missed because he didn’t want to go anyway. He was usually always glad he went for the most part after it was over. I also had him do a dog training class with one of our recuses’ at The Paul Beck Center in Aurora, CO. He liked that okay because he loves his dog but he cried in frustration every single time. I ended up doing the training more than he did. This is not what I singed up for. Tristan is not into organized spots…which is obviously fine with me. He has taken up weightlifting now in middle school which I think is pretty cool…because it requires nothing from me and it’s good for him!

My dear Gracie, my over achiever, sweet, sweet perfectionist. I’ve had her in Gymnastics since she was 3 and by the time she was 6, I just was over it. I swear the other moms, grand-moms…kids with babies…were all using this place as a daycare. I have never been more annoyed in my life! I spent hundreds of dollars on tons of leotards, tutus, leggings and fees, upon fees for both me and my Grace to walk out just plain pissed off. Well, I’m glad I could pay $150 for you to jump on that trampoline for 30 minutes then walk around lost the rest of time. That’s great..NOT!

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I know what you might be thinking. Try a different place. What about what your kids wants? You’re right, maybe I should have tried a different place. Maybe I really just didn’t want to be there. I just don’t get the same joy as other moms do when they see their kids in a sport or activity. Although, if we’re being honest here, every single mom and dad I was with, in both swimming, Gymnastic and even the two years we did Kung Fu, all had their face in their phone. I was watching my kids…I was! I was watching in complete and utter frustration! I was watching the clock…like, is this almost over! And Yes, I should consider what my kids want to do…a little.

This is why last night I sat with them and we talked about this. I told them I would put them each in ONE activity or sport this summer. Just one but they have to finish it all the through and give it 100%. If I am going to pay for it, and all the other expense that comes with it, plus drive them all over the place, then they need to give this sport/ activity their best. So the conclusion was, Tristan wants to be a helper at the zoo. Yes, this is a real thing. And it’s hard labor mostly. They clean…a lot. But okay, I will see what I can do. Gigi was more complicated which is nothing new. She just can’t decide. Cooking classes, guitar lesson, dance or (cringe) back to gymnastics. So right now for her that means she doing nothing…because, hell no…I won’t do that to myself.

My Mouth

I cuss. I wouldn’t say that I cuss all the time but I do add a few zingers here and there. I even cuss in my blog and I know that I shouldn’t. I am a christian…I know that it’s wrong yet I do it anyway. I don’t cuss out people or my family (mostly) but I do cuss. I don’t even feel bad about it normally. I mean, I don’t throw around the *F bomb like it’s nothing! I save that one usually for specially occasions. Of course, there are some cuss words that are even too bad for me to say. But I have my go-tos. The ones that are part of my everyday vocab and my kids don’t even blink twice to hear me say them. Does this make me an asshole parent? Probably. Should I do better? Absolutely!

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This is a crutch for me! I have a dirty mouth! All of my sisters do! We all three talk like  drunken pirates and I honestly can’t say why we do? Sure we heard my parents cuss in causal conversation but not really badly. We sure did get cussed out by them at time or two or thirty…but that’s different. I am not even offended by it in the least either. We are all educated, one of us has a master’s degree in criminal justice and the other has her a degree as well and does the books for a very well-to-do company. I’ve been a teacher since 2003. I started working with special needs children and moved on to early education and finally to kindergarten and kids that were being held back or just needed more time.  I had the perfect job with great co-worker and wonderful parents…finally after years of crap and horrible management, when Jason got the news we were moving out of Colorado and to Fargo, North Dakota. But I like I was saying… we are smart. We are not using cuss words because of lack of a vocabulary. Not at all. We like it. I think it.

Screen Time

And last but not least…why I suck as parent. Tablet time, TV…Youtube, video games. I’m fine with it. I kick my kids outside. Let me rephrase that. I kick my son outside plenty. My daughter lives on pure adrenaline. She never stops. She would be outside “mom, watch this!” all day if I let her. It doesn’t atter rain, snow, 70 mph wind… she outside. She’s on her bike, rollerblading, on her scooter, sidewalk chalk, making up a game, collecting ants and naming them; after she makes them a new habitat and accidentally drowns them all, or she will just have a cart-wheel contest, where she wins every time.  So after I clean the dirt and grim off of her and get her to sit still, I am like, PLEASE just watch a movie and be still for all that is holy!!! Give me a break! The girl exhaust me. My son will ride his bike, walk the dog, go the park and now he will even mow the yard for fun…which is great! But then he wants to chill and I am fine with that because his sister takes every bit of energy that I have! This is why if I wake up in the morning and the kids are on tablets and not bothering me… I am totally good with that!

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Yes, I check what they watch. Especially when it comes to YouTube. Right now, it’s watching other kids open things and Barbie for Grace. Tristan is 13 so he looks up stuff to figure out how to beat the next level on his video game. He also enjoy watching people doing really stupid stuff…I guess that’s funny? You know, like jump off a roof into a pool but totally miss the pool and land on a fence. I hate that stuff. But whatever. I know my kid and he is the most cautious kid on the Earth. He wouldn’t even ride a bike till he was ten because it looked dangerous.

Feed Me

Let me not forget dinner time. I am doing keto so I stay away from carbs but my kids eat them like crazy. Mac-n-cheese or chicken nuggets, corn dogs, how about a cheese quesadilla? All foods they love! Sure they eat tons of strawberries, grape and apple sauce. Lots of lots of green beans and broccoli, even carrots sometimes. But when I make real chicken, fish or even a steak…they want to puke. So their dinner takes me about 10 mins or less to make most nights and some nights I’ve been know to let them have ice cream! Yep…I’m that mom.

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Rais’em Up

I haven’t told my husband this yet but Grace’s teacher told me she could skip 2nd grade and go into 3rd if I chose for her to. She basically did 2nd already this year and was working on 3rd grade work and it was easy for her. She is smart. She is a hard worker. She is diligent! She wants to do her best always! She cares about the work she puts out there. She’s only 7. She acts like she 16 in both good and bad but she planning for college already. She is messy and covered in dirt but it’s because she never, never gives up. She will practice and practice and study and study until she knows it better than anyone. This is just who she is.

Tristan was on Honor roll this year. He had the best report of his life! It wasn’t easy for him either. He really has to work hard. School doesn’t come easy to him. He stayed after school day after day and kept up on his homework. I saw him cry in frustration but he kept at it and he did great. He is the man of our house Monday – Friday while his Dad is out-of-town. He checks on me and makes sure I didn’t miss shutting a window or locking a door. He helps me with his sister, which is such a lifesaver. He is without any doubt the kindest and sweet human on the Earth. When my health trouble arise, Tristan makes my tea, get my meds and my heating pad. His dad has taught him well.

So I have to say…I may suck in plenty of areas but my kids have manners, they are doing amazing in school and are plain great kids. And consider the kids I have seen through the years working in  schools myself, I am beyond blessed to have the ones I do.

I know I can’t take all the credit but damn it! I think I sure take a little!

xoxo sk

Silence Is My Strength

 

Silence, is the best reply to a fool. – IMMAM ALI (AS)

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As anyone who has read my blog can till this week has been tough. I am having trouble with my self-esteem. But one thing I DO NOT struggle with at all is putting myself in the shoes of others.

I may beat the hell out of myself, worse than anyone else ever could. I have always been my own worst enemy. I don’t expect to have some big life change in that aspect of my life anytime so soon.

However, as I have gotten older and have had more life experience….and honestly found a more spiritual path, I just don’t want to put energy in hurting people. I don’t feel the need to voice my opinion all the time.

Which seems to be very popular nowadays…so annoying.

I feel that it’s a misconception that if I’m quite on a topic or even kind in my replies, it’s assumed I must agree or feel a certain way…or I am just plain weak. I am giving in. No. I hate to sound like a politician but ‘Let’s be clear’ not being a loud, asshole is not, me giving in.

Trust me, I have my thoughts and my opinions. They don’t always match yours and sometimes they do. I choose to keep my thoughts and views to myself. I choose to be a supportive, kind and a loving person instead. You know why? Because my character matters. It matters more then loud points of view that just hurt.

If my life falls apart… as it does from time to time…I pray to Dear God I have people around me that will LOVE me through that season in my life and not judge and battle me.

xoxo sk