And I think to myself… what a wonderful world 🌎
If I want my world to be 💕
My voice doesn’t need to be the loudest🌊
To changes Hearts ♥️ & move mountains 🏔
Remembering who I am & who God has Called me to be 🙏🏼
Listening to the inner voice ♥️ to direct & give me strength 💪🏽
Sometimes I’m shaken & broken 💔 but only to wipe away dirt from my eyes 👀
My vision is restored & heart ❤️ is back in place 🙏🏼
I see truth for what it is and I am at peace ✌🏽
I was sitting here trying to recall my last visit home? It’s sad that actually I can’t remember. Christmas in 2017 we went as a family and it was a rushed trip! My anxiety was terribly! I was home once before that in June 2016 I think, for Father’s day, to surprise my parents. That visit was a less than 45 hour turn around for me and I back in Minnesota!
Jason, I and the kids did a short stop in Colorado when we were journeying to California but I was on special orders, that I had NO TIME to make plans with a soul… so I saw no one. We only spent one single night at my parents house before we hit the road again.
Spending less than 2 hours, saying a quick hello-goodbye to my Aunt, Uncle and Grandparents in Wray, CO but then it was all business again and we were back on the road. It wasn’t what I wanted at all. I was really missing and needing my friends and family then. This was probably the start of my down-ward spiral into major depression, I just didn’t know how bad at the time.
All of my two visits to my hometown have been very rushed. Jason can’t take on the kids or handle more responsibilities than his job, so he tends to panics when I’m not around to handle the living-being in our care. Even this current visit coming up to Colorado, Jason is in a frenzy about me leaving and I’m taking the kids with me this time! I mean, let me live, Dude!
Lost Not Found Blog By www.fabicthatmademe.com
It’s been a long time since I really laughed, like a real belly laugh. You know the laughs that make your face go ugly and you start to cry but it feels so good! I need that! I need the ugly, tear streaming down your face kind of laugh! I haven’t had a whole lot of happiness going on for awhile! It’s been too long and I’ve been on survival mode! There’s been no time with friends, no conversations with a single human or really living my best life in this world at all. I’ve been just barely getting by! I’ve said this too many times…I’m like a rat in a cage! But I’ve allow this to happen to me. I did this to myself!
The Biblical Way To Overcome Being a Victim
**Visit the post above and get empowered!
I miss my friends, my family and my home. Mostly, I miss making my own life choices and having some freedom in my choices! What I’ve realized is, I can take control of my life and my happiness. It is possible…I can be a leader in my own life. However, not everyone will always be happy with my choices and I have to be okay with that. I also have to know I am responsible for the outcome. I can’t put it on anyone else.
I mean it hasn’t been all bad, I’ve definitely learn some valuable lessons along the way! I’ve made lifetime friends in Minnesota! I’ll be forever grateful for the Andersons and their friendship. California has been a real B***H! It’s because of my brokenness that I found my hope.
While I’m in Colorado I’ll have some time to remember the good times and get caught up with some old friends. I’m excited to have this time to be with my friends and not have anyone to push or pull me into a direction they want. I need this break and I think Jason needs it too.
No Place like home…
So Tuesday I and the kids will be in Colorado for a month. I don’t know what to say other than, I ask for prayers during this time. I’m sure the kids need this just as bad as I do, to see their cousins and grandparents. We needs to be part of something and feel safe and sound again. Our security has been shot. Our peace has been ripped apart but we are on the mend. I have hope for us.
I’ll keep my blog updated with “life”! I’m excited to see where God leads us. I have faith He is hard at work.
We have the ability to bring such joy.
Or
We have the choice to bring such pain.
We people can be the light in someones darkness.
Or
We can be the monster under the bed.
We can the mean girl, the bully in the locker room.
We can be the new found friend who offers a laugh and a smile instead.
Choices
We have them.
We are not above them.
Choose wisely.
You could be saving a life and life just might be your own.
xoxo sk
As I have written about in pasted blogs, I’m on a quest to reconnect to my Father Christ. One of the ways that I have been doing this is through reading devotions and Bible Studies on the Bible App
Recently, I finished a few different studies. The first one, titled Make Decisions with Faith and confidence . It was mind blowing just how exact to my life this study was and how much I needed to read every word. It’s amazing how God knows just what we need, when we need it. Every word was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. I’ve said many times how I wish that I could just send a quick email or text to God and get a response right back letting me what to do. Yes, a prayer to God is like sending a text message but most the time the answers don’t come as clear as getting a text back.
The “Try It On” method that the Bible study talks about is such an awesome way to learn how to make choices. This “Try It On” method supports my connection on a clear FM channel verses the static of an AM channel with The Holy Spirit. The “Try It On” method keeps us accountable and keeps us from becoming stagnate in our fear of make a move. We also have to be in-tune with The Holy Spirit, speak the language, have the relationship or “connection”. That’s pretty powerful, I think.
How many times do we question if we’re making the right choice? Or are so scared that we’ll make the wrong decision, that we end up not making any decisions for ourselves at all. I only wish I had read this devotion/Bible Study sooner.
I know I’ve been the victim of my own fears for years! The pressures of worrying that I’ll disappoint others and lead my family down the wrong path. However, when I am sitting in motionless contemplation, purely relying only on my very limited wisdom and over emotional mental state; I’m wasting away! This is just what the enemy wants. He love us to doubt ourselves and to waste away. What decisions are being made when I’m in a holding pattern like that? No progress will ever be made if I am just “thinking” things over all the time? I’m playing right into the enemy’s hands!
Indecision is a decision too and not a good one.
The example was perfect, like trying on a shirt before you buy it. You wonder the store looking through the racks of clothes until something catches your eye. Then you find the one you “think” will work and you “Try It On”. You see how it fits, what it looks like on… you decide if this is the right shirt for you to buy. That is pretty much how the “Try It On” process works with everything.
When we got the news that we were moving to California I started to check out the schools and houses in the area that I thought we might move to. (I of course now would ask WAY more questions than I did before. LESSONS!)
Step 1. As I’m looking for housing -this is me actively taking a step in a direction of moving towards California. I can see that housing is expensive and we can NOT afford to live here on what we make. But I wasn’t listening to God. Next time I will.
Step 2. After we moved toward something, what does it feel like? How rough or smooth is the process going? Do you have a little voice telling anything? I remember I didn’t feel good about moving towards California the whole time it was happening but I pushed on.
I had trouble finding housing, schools for my kids, the packers were awful and they broke all our things. A hundred and one things were going wrong! I had a voice in the back of my head telling me that we shouldn’t do this move but I continued to pushed on. I felt defeated for some reason, like I couldn’t turn back. The worries I had about staying in Minnesota were now much more about leaving there. I wasn’t waiting on God or listening to Him at all.
Step 3. Are you a list person? Do like to write everything out? This is me! List keep me organize and on top of things. What I tend to do when I have a decision to make is write out a Pros and Cons list. This sounds like a reasonable thing to do but what I end up doing is putting all my faith in this list. I’m not listening to God or waiting on Him for direction, only on this piece of paper.
I wrote out a Pros and Cons list myself when we were getting ready to move to California. Everything was pointing to Georgia as weird as that sounds. It was loud and clear ( I’ll dive into that later) Here’s an older blog that I wrote when we first started our moving process- Here We Go Again. As much as I was focusing on California everything kept coming back to wait on Georgia (so it felt) but I ignored that.
My list was full of Pros for California and as we now know all our time here has not been good at all. While I was pushing towards California like it was my full time job, ever song was about Georgia, ever TV show, I had friends and friends of friends moving there or had some new connection to Georgia. Pretty soon there were so many things in my ear about Georgia but I wasn’t listening because I was full force to California, even though it felt wrong.
Side note: We later found out that Jason’s mentor and the man who hired him was moved to Georgia as the Zone Manager.
Step 4. Keep making little steps toward a choice while The Holy Spirit directs you which way to step.
Each step I took moving to California was rough and difficult. To say our path was bumping is the understatement of the century. God was clear to us that this was not the right place for us but we made it happen anyway. Now we’re living the consequences for those choices.
The Goodness of God in Bad decisions this blog is excel! Check out more on “our” consequences and a God of miracles.
Our God is a God of Grace and Mercy. He showed me this time and time again but I wasn’t seeing it. The enemy had control and it makes me sick to think I let that happen.
As I mentioned before I couldn’t find a school that could accommodate my kids needs and this was a struggle for me. There were so many moving part to this relocation and the enemy was good at what he was doing to my mind and heart. I was confused and frustrated! Since I was handling this move all by myself and not leaning on God at all, I felt absolutely responsible for making sure no one was burdened. I wanted to be able to say I was able to do this and made it work. Again the enemy had made me believe that no one believed in me and I wasn’t able.
I received a called from a lady that coordinated our move. I can’t remember her exact title but I remember having a melt down on the phone with her. I was in my car and I had to pull over, I just cried. I told her how difficult this move was becoming and how worried I was about the schools for my kids.
This lady, I believe her name was Pam, was so kind to me on the phone. She made many calls back forth to me for two days and told that although we had already signed our relocation and many thing have already been in motion that we would get one forgiveness. She explained to me that considering everything that I told her, she believes we qualify for that. I didn’t know what to say to her, because Jason was already in California working.
I told her I needed to think about it and I’d call her back. I struggled with what do. I knew with every bone in body I needed to cancel this move but Jason was already in California. He and I barely spook a word to each other, our communication wasn’t great at this point. All I could think about was how disappointment Jason would be that I couldn’t handle this move. I would have failed. I kept replaying Jason firmly speaking to me “If we do this move…Don’t let it come back on me!” Even though I knew I didn’t want this move, I felt like I had to do it now.
I called Pam back and thanked her for all that she had done for me but we were going to move forward. This would end up being some of the worse depression that I have ever been in. Suicidal thoughts, marriage tore apart, kids hanging by a thread, living in an over price house thats failing apart…the list goes on. Jason has his own list of troubles.
Although these last ten in a half month were some of most terrible months of my life, coming back from the wreckage I think have made me stronger than ever. It’s weird in a way because I’m still very vulnerable. This is an uphill climb for me but I have never felt more connected, more sure of myself in a long time. That feel so amazing. God isn’t just a God of second chances, He is a God of forgiveness and Love. He came to find His lost. I was one of lost for sure and I’ve been found but still am a work in progress.
This post Billy Graham’s My Answer: Does God Give Us Second Chances is a a great read. Much better at explaining how God loves beyond the second or third time we humans mess up… Check it out.
At some point I have to arise and go. I have to put a little pressure on the gas petal so God can put my steering wheel to use. At the same time I need to allow the little voice called The Holy spirit to speak to me. When it does, that’s the way the steering wheel should turn.
If I would have listened ten in a half months ago I would have yanked that wheel around! But thankful God is full of Miracles and I truly believe He will turn this very unpleasant venture into something we will end up being very thankful for. I can’t even believe I’m saying that. But With God anything is possible.
Hope you all enjoyed this blog! Thanks for all your comments, LIKES & love along the way! All your encouragement really make a impact as I keep blogging and getting my feet under me!
xoxo sk
How times just whips by when I think about these babies. They said it would, I didn’t believe them at first. Those first weeks of sleepless nights dragged on into months of 1am dirty diapers, feedings and crying for both of us. At the times it seemed like it was going to be that way forever.
Only 4 or 5 short months of marriage, I was pregnant with our first child, Tristan. I remember thinking “How could I actually be pregnant?”- At 25 years old I still felt so adolescent myself. How could I keep another human alive?
Five pregnancy test later the truth was reviled! On my break from work, in a bathroom stall is where I found out I was indeed going to be a Mom. This wasn’t the way you discover your newfound parenthood in the EPT commercials or in the movies at all but either way my life was about to change forever.
Our little family was just, Jason, me, Tristan and a black lab named Buddy for 5 years. Tristan was the one and only Grandson and I might add first boy on my side of the family! In a sea of girls, I believe my Dad was over joyed to have a boy, finally! He was and still is in so many ways everyones pride and joy. The first baby we welcomed to the family. Tristan got to experience being an only child for a good chuck of time! Tristan having all the attention for 5 years of his life and then only dealing with “useless” babies after (which all came at the same time), there’s no doubt he reaped every benefit of be the first!
I had never loved anyone or anything more in my entire life.
Raising my first Child and caring for his every want and need was my full time job, along with working outside of the house. New Mom, new wife, new home-owner …new at being a “real” adult! I was failing a lot.
I gave every ounce of myself to loving this little person and being this new married-person. Tired all the time! Not just sleepy, I mean exhausted! The kind of exhaustion that makes you feel sick in your head and sleeping on a busy highway would be welcoming! That was me for a few years!
Lonely, I did this new parent thing mostly by myself. This was one of the scariest and saddest times I can think of. Although, I have blocked out many details of those years, what I can tell you is those years were not what I had planned for myself or for my child at all.
Lost, I had no clue what I was doing 100% of the time, this hasn’t changed much at all. I had never cared for a baby before and especial the way I feeling. Everyday I was put in some weird situation that I didn’t know how to handle and I just hoped for the best.
I know without any doubt that every scared, fearful and unsure, sleepless moment has been worth it to just have this amazing kid in my life. Strength in this knowledge that I hold on to in my half melted brain and full heart of all I have withstand; I have no hesitation that the next years will be an amazing experience raising and continuing to growing this child into a man.
God has blessed me all the way, even when my eyes were too blurred with tears too see and my heart was too broken to feel it. I may be guessing and praying my way through this parenthood thing but I am loving and growing my kid the best I know how through this crazy world.
Parenthood is hard and especial hard with your first child. You really have no clue what things are ahead of you!
The never sleeping (ever again in life), being peed on, popped on, bath time screaming, carseat screaming, I don’t like where the sun is in the sky screaming, screaming for no reason at all and boob pain.! Good Lort…the boob pain! Actually all the pain! My body has changing forever. Goodbye waistline, goodbye toned legs and abs, goodbye brain.
This kid is now a teenage. A smelly, dirty, very expensive and at times hard of hearing teenager. I love’em, even smelly. As a teenage he comes with new things…still much like the infant and toddle years but an older version and maybe not as cute. Still eating large amounts of food and is pretty messy about it! He still pees everywhere but has improved, it’s at least in the bathroom and not on me anymore! Tristan still has food on his shirt always. I still clean up after him… probably more than I should!
The improvements, he does now shower on his own… when he showers and can be quite handy when I need someone to take out the trash! Tristan is actually terrible strong too! He can lift or move heavy things around the house and even mows the lawn now! He is helpfully in plenty ways and I am so thankful for that! Plus he makes really good coffee!
He’s the best kid I could ever ask for! Blessed with the best humor, Tristan makes me laugh everyday! Tristan has a fair amount of similarities as me, he love animals and the outdoors. He’s witty and it can comes off as very… very sarcastic. He’s an amazing artist and actually has many talents! Tristan is the kind of smart that the average person wouldn’t understand but like me, he also has trouble believing in himself. I only wish he saw in himself the way that I see him! The way he sees the world is a true gift and I hope he never loses that! Tristan’s an emotional, sensitive and sentimental guy. People that feel that deep have trouble in the world…I know.
Someday he’s going to be the love of some sweet girls life but for now he is mine. He can be bit obsessive like his Dad, just enough that it creates passion in him. The mix of the way he feels the world so deeply and his huge heart, which he gets from his Dad, he’ll be just fine. I have a good one…a smelly one but he’s still pretty awesome!
Where did the last 14 years go? What did we do with it? It’s crazy as kids, time seems to drag on forever but once we reach what we thought was going to be “freedom”- our adult life, time passes us by in a blink of an eye. Faster and faster… until one day it’s gone. I want to make the most of the short years we have. It’s gone before we know it.
Tristan hold on your young years and enjoy life. Don’t grow up too fast. Enjoy being a kid as long as you can. You’ll have your whole life to work, for now learn to be happy. Find out what’s gonna do that for you. Being a good human is a good place to start and you’ve got that down… don’t lose that deep, caring, old soul of yours.
Always be grateful. Be thankful for the people, the places, the lesson, (yes, even the hard ones), and the memories. Make sure you tell the people you love and appreciate, how much they mean to you. It’s important you don’t assume they already know. Take care of yourself and others. Remember to keep your faith strong, it’ll get you through anything! You’re a very special person and an amazing talent! Believe in yourself, you have so much to offer. I love you so much buddy.
Time is all a blur to me now. I get flashes, maybe bits and pieces of lost memories and I feel guilty that I don’t I have clear memories of passed years. To me without pictures it’s as if our lives never happened at all or maybe it’s all a dream. When I really sit back and I think hard, trying to grab a foggy memory, I get a few wispy reminiscences like breeze blowing by and then it’s gone. The only ones that really stick out to me are the ones of the kids and even those without the pictures would cloudy.
There’s full chunks of time I have completely lost and wonder why? Genuinely, I have block some out as protection for myself or the memories fell out, just wasn’t anymore room in my head.
Some of my most important times in life I have very little recollection of at all. Example, my wedding is super spotty in my mind and without the pictures I would only have a select few memories and not all are very good unfortunately. I have one very important moment and it’s possibly the most important one and not too many people know about it.
Then of course there’s the birth of my first child and I’ve told ya’ll about all I remember about that. I left out a few details but that’s about it. I do however have a few sweet memories that I hold close to my heart that others weren’t ables to tainted with their own selfish wants or demands. Those memories are like movies in mind and I will treasure them forever. I won’t let anyone dirty them. I wish I could remember clearly but maybe as I make peace with some pain and stop allowing myself to be hurt the years will come back?
This brings me fast-forward to 2010 and our family of 3 becomes a family of 4 and one black lab.
I had no idea what kind of free-spirt, wild, handful we were going to get when I became pregnant with my second child. We were about to get a completely different experienced then we had with Tristan… basically everything we thought we knew with Tristan, meant nothing.
In 2010 Gracie…AKA Princess Gigi Buttercup or simply known as G, came in like hurricane and has been rockin’ our world ever since. She didn’t start off that way though, as an infant to about 10 months old; Gracie was a quite and sweet, cuddle baby. I know now she was just taking it all in, waiting for her moment. She was planning…
Do ya’ll remember Jack Jack from the Incredibles when his family finds out about all his crazy new superhero powers? Well, that’s Grace! She’s a sweet, funny, smart, nightmare who will knock you out and do your make-up perfectly. What a beautiful mixtures of wind and rain, night and day, a raging storm and a sunny spring day…that’s my girl. God bless the man she marries.
Once this kid started talking she never stopped and she continues to chatter way to this very day. For almost 9 years now, she’s been waking up early and happy, sing and dancing every single day. Once she got a taste of life, she’s been full blast ever since. I’m not sure the rest of us will be able to keep up with her.
I wanted to really hold on to the baby and toddled years with her for a few reasons. One reason, was I felt like I rushed through those years with my oldest. I had to work like crazy with my oldest and I did all the parenting alone with Tristan, so I really wanted some relief back then.
The other reason and biggest, was the first year of G’s life, I wasn’t there much. I was sick to point I thought I was dying. I was given adrenaline to keep my heart beating. (I’m convinced my own life is killing me slowly) -When I say I was sick, I mean seriously the sickest kind of sick! Hospitalized for weeks at a time for over a year while my little girl was trying to figure out the world. I spent so much time away, unable to bond with my new baby.
When at home I carried around a bag of pee because I had a catheter in, super inconvenience when your also holding a baby. I still had to work during this time too… so as you can imagine I wasn’t love’in life!
Honestly, I have very little recollection of 2010-2012. I’m sure it’s a defense mechanism for me. Even now writing about it I’m getting shaky… Shit, I need to get some therapy.
One things I remember, is doing her hair every single day. Sick or not I did her dark beautiful hair everyday. It may not look it here in these pictures but Grace was born with a head full of beautiful jet black hair and the most perfect tanned skin ever. She was so different then my white, reddish haired Tristan. My favorite thing in the world is brushing her beautiful hair to this day .
Having a strong Mother-Daughter bond is so very important to me. We are not in a competition. We’re not besties. Grace and I are something much greater than that and it’s priceless. I did everything in my power to savor every little moment as a Mom of a little girl and I still do. Every chance I got I did what I could to love her my best. Even though she pushes my buttons like no one else can, she’s a rare diamond and I love that about her. It makes me crazy but I love it!
My lil mama, Gigi Buttercup otherwise known as “G”- Don’t be tamed little girl, always stay wild but don’t think that means you stop listening or caring for what other people think. This means you stay strong, fearless and gracious, kind, loving and patience. Keep doing the hard work, keep learning, fight hard, and explore farther. Don’t let anyone in this world or others ever tell you that you can’t do all these things. You are meant to do great things and I know this because I see you doing them now. Don’t you ever forgive who you are and the higher power who gave you life. And lastly, when life gets tough…and it will, hit your knees and start praying. The answers you need you’ll find in Him. Love you forever G,
Now this sassy girl 9 years old… going on 21 most days, is closing one book and opening another. I’m so honored to be apart of it. How the days with her have flown by so fast, before I know it she’ll be off to College. Knowing her she’ll be doing something very unconventional and be amazing at it! I can’t believe I held this girl in my arms, a tiny baby and now she’s watching make-up tutorials on how to get winged-eyeliner on fleek or Mind Craft videos.
As the time goes by and I look through these pictures and try to hold on to some good memories, I can’t help be forced to hold on a little tighter to the present. Yesterday is already gone. Did I use it right and purposeful at all?
Chances are I did not. I’ve spent the last 2 years and 6 months starving for a feeling. A feeling that I’m not even sure I can fully put in to words. I’ve been spending too much time in regrets and wishing so badly I would have done more or at least something different “back then”- We all probably could have done better when we look back at our lives but I am spending far to much time there in the back on my head.
The last few months I have tried to be a bit more mindful of what others are saying around me. I have heard very clearly what’s being said. Some of it’s hurtful, mean, sad and even contradicting but I understand it all. What I find so compelling is we’re not that different in what we feel, what we say and what we don’t say.
The whole time we’ve been desperately missing… no, needing the same things; that feeling of life we couldn’t put a name to (but we need to name it). All of us have felt alone, abandoned, uncared for and even hated at times. There’s a need to have stability and making a real home, a home that is ours and we can grow in. With friends and family to be close, a place we belong and won’t have to leave or ever want too. Freedom to make some decision in our own lives without feeling dictated and trapped. We need to feel safe and sound again, happy and joyful. We don’t feel like us anymore because we aren’t us.
The routines of morning coffee outside on Saturday morning, Church and family dinners, Poppy’s smoked Wings! All unplanned family get-togethers, the random calls from Grandma Meg, “Let’s go grazin’ Guys” (code for I’m hungry). Sunday Bronco games and chili in the crock pot in our home! Jason and I miss our Friday night FireBall shot “to a week well done” and a few cold beers as a bonuses on the patio!
Life wasn’t easier then but it wasn’t a mystery either. Of course there were still some up hill battles for sure but we weren’t doing life alone. And whatever this un-named thing is that makes it worth it, well we had… We don’t have it now. Sadly, we wished that life away and we’re paying for it now. That’s a hard painful pill to swallow.
The never knowing and loneliness too much.
As painful as this time has been and as mentally jacked up as I am from it, I’ve earned some valuable lessons from it all because this writing thing really is process for me and it help me untie the knot in my mind. Of course, I hate that we had to learn any of this but I hope that possibly going through this and still currently living it- that in away my kids will learn something too and do better from it. Maybe then they can skip these hard life lesson and just move on to the good stuff.
The lessons for me here are- Be so eternally and utterly thankful for what and who I have in my life that I can’t ever speak one bad word about them because the truth is life can change in a second.
Presence in the moments and living more purposeful. Once upon a time in my life I was able to practiced this like a pro! I lived it well back then but now I’m not so sure how or when I felt off. But this is something that I need to do better for myself and I need to do better modeling this for others. As I am seeing now these moments as fleeting and I don’t want to look back in anymore regret.
Love hard, I don’t think I have really have loved much of anything for awhile but I have always loved my husband and my kids. However, I haven’t been every lovable. Because of this I’ve had the hardest time praying and reconnecting to God. The most important command that God gives us is to LOVE above everything and I haven’t done this well. I haven’t love even myself well or how could I possible show love to others.
**I didn’t actually do this blog on purpose, it just happened. Putting a close to this school year had me really going through all these past years and realizing how fast they have disappeared. Sure, I have a few not so great memories in the past but now focusing on the good ones made me have me wanting more of them.
Thanks for reading through and taking the time. Life is a process and I sure am going through mine!
Are You Living On Purpose? https://tonyevans.org/are-you-living-on-purpose/
How to Stay positive: 11 Habits https://www.positivityblog.com/how-to-stay-positive/
Fabricthatmademe.com/Change the Momentum https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/05/09/change-the-momentum/
Essential oils for relief and peace https://www.doterra.com/US/en/site/skellylou303
In the last 2 years I’ve experienced somethings that have really changed my laugh and broken my smile…literally! Thank you Bell’s Palsy!
The amount of change, worry, fear, loneliness and control over every decision made over my life has really crippled me. I hate the person I have become. Never in a million years did I think I would end up this way. I have really confused love.
I’m not sure what’s best for me anymore and that’s a scary thing. I’ve been so isolated and drugged quite frankly that allowing someone to pull the strings has been easy. You don’t realize it’s even happening because every word I eat up and it’s so easy to spin a web in my head. It’s sadly so effortless for me to let challenges go or take the blame, feel the guilt.
Let’s be honest my mental state has been weak for some time now. I have basically disappeared in my life and in my families life in most ways. Sure I take up space and they need me to do things for them. God knows they would starve without me. I’m here to lend an ear and I enjoy our conversations. My sisters always manage to get a laugh out of me here and there. But just because I’m alive doesn’t mean I’m living. I’m not and haven’t been.
The last 6 months may have been the worse yet. The only time in my life since high school that I have thought it’d be fine if I was dead. It’s terrifying when you are able to convince yourself that the world will be fine without. Someone will take over and handle your position. I was okay with, it was weird like I came to peace with it. For awhile when these thought would creep in my head I’d cry and get real sad but after awhile I’d think, “What will be, will be.” and I just didn’t care anymore.
I can honestly say the lack of love and care that I have received, along with not having the ability to control anything over my life has made me stop caring about my life at all. It’s like I’m walk around in a very bad dream but other times ( and most of the time ) I feel like I’m watching myself in someone else’s dream.
Now, I have had some tiny sparks of life here and there in the last month or so. Like a dead person being brought back to life but not fully. Maybe it’s going to be a process after being part of the walking-dead for long.
I have started to talk a little more and conversations about important topics are now happening, which is why it makes me absolutely insane when I’m told I’m not talking and/or my words start to get turned around or used against me.
I’m making good progress here but I see that door still. It’s just over my shoulder and I look at it often, it’s not far away. I could walk through it at anytime, shut down and go away and stop all this if I wanted to. That’s something I could do. They don’t know what it takes for me every second not to.
Sometimes I feel like I’m be taunted.
There are times I find myself crawling back into bed but only for a moment. I just need to give my mind a little break. Break from the needs and wants of everyone. I can’t do much for myself but I can go lay down for just minute. I can give myself that.
Sure, it pisses everyone off because they want me up and doing things for them or at the very less giving them my attention. “Give me a freaking second!”, I yell and then they do but my made to feel the worse Mom ever for it… usually. Being mental disabled is exhausting.
However, I’ve been better about trying to keep the laundry up and the house mostly clean. I read to my kids just about daily and have taken them to the library a few times now ( outings were hard before ). Making dinner and planning ahead has been easier to do most the time. I have my moments but I get it done.
To all of you this may sound obvious… may be not a big achievement. If I read this earlier in my life I would have thought this person was pretty pitiful, “You can’t cook dinner and you’re able to now read to your kids?” What the hell is up with that? I know it’s crazy but I’m not who I was and every month, every day, I’m a new person and I’m fighting a new and terrible freaking struggle that I never imagined.
As you saw at the top of this post there’s a music video by the artist/musician NF www.nfrealmusic.com
I like all music and I’ve written about that before, though rap isn’t everyones cup of tea I understand. However, I have a weird connect with NFs’ work it seems. Maybe we are just both really messed up people wanting to not be and he just happens to be far better at words than I am.
I listen to each word, each song and I think YES! That’s what I’m feeling but I didn’t know how to say it or how to explain it to someone else. His music has been good for me to share to help explain how I feel but also to be better.
You should smile more. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you talk to me?
When you’ve been down that road so many times…you know your words evaporate into air, no ones really hearing you. It’s been hard for me to explain myself because I really want someone to talk to me, not at me. I want someone to care but not dictate my every move. And for F-sakes, sometimes I’m not thinking anything…I’m just being. Please forgive me if a genuine smile doesn’t come easy anymore. I’m a broken person.
The thing I have found as I battle, is we are all a little broken. Some are better at hiding it, others moving pass it and heal it, then theres me. I’m like waves in the ocean. One minute I feel like I’m healed…my brokenness is mended but then the next I’m a raging storm. I can move mountain, destroy buildings, reck my very soul and then theres this very creepy and eerie stillness that comes…I know this stage all to well and this part of me is probably the most dangerous time for me.
I’m distant, silent and still, as if I don’t exist at all. You’re not sure if the storm has moved on and the sun will soon come out or if round two will rear it’s ugly head. This non-movement can go on for weeks, months…my mind is busy convincing me that this is what it’s like without you… I don’t need to be here…. walk through that door… just go and end this pain.
At that point I am basically dead, a lifeless corpus just going through the motions but just hardly. I’m waiting for it to end…hoping God will just jerk the wheel because I’m too scared to do it myself. There’s still apart of me that wants to live and even misses that feeling of joy. I’m sure after awhile of my miserable lethargic disappearance that the “living” people around me start wishing for the storm to return, at least than you’d know I’m alive and fighting for something. I start wishing for it too.
As of now and the last few weeks I’ve been praying and reconnecting spiritual. I never realize how hard it’s be to reconnect to God after being so far away from Him. I’ve always had a very strong faith even in the hardest of times. I can’t put my finger on why things have slipped away….why I have slipped away. I guess it way so gradual that I didn’t see the distant until I was so far away that I couldn’t see Him, feel Him and I didn’t think of my spiritual life at all.
The last thing I want to be is a person who only calls on God in a crisis. I can’t deny I’m in a crisis and I’m calling on Him… a lot. I’m rebuilding that relationship and trying to find my place again. I guess if being in the totally nightmare was Gods way of shaking the shit out of me and wake me up then I’m glad for it. Don’t get me wrong…I’m done with this lesson…I don’t want to learn anything else.
Baby steps it is. I’m slowly gaining my confidence back and trying to take my life back. I know in this process I may have to make some hard calls but I’m willing to do it. No one said this was going to easy and I wasn’t going to be uncomfortable trying to figure this out but it’s a means to an end. I have to aim at something, Arise and go! The wondering and being lost is over. I want to have some control and have peace.
My faith was shaken and maybe even gone…defiantly on pause. That needs to be reignited for sure and number one. The rest will come and I am getting it in order. I am, I promise.
Living arrangements, I’ll be totally truthful… you all know about as much as I do on that. I could be sleeping in my truck…hell I don’t know. But I do have some choices to make. There’s a few other things that need to happen first before that can be talked about.
When the conversation happens I need to stay calm…I need to stop crying.
My marriage…well it’s comes and goes. We both want it to be good and we have love for each other so that something. But the sweet unstoppable friendship we had. That wittiness and closeness that no one could break… It’s not there. I have hope we’ll get that back and that this stress of life has just weighted us down and broke us sadly. As we lighten our burdens and move forward things will get better and we remember the way we were maybe it will be better, stronger. I only hope.
Lastly, I want to include one other NF video that really hit me. I don’t want to just walk through this life asleep, numb and waiting for my real death. I want to live and love to my real potential and stop letting anyone hold me back from that.
xoxo sk
I’m just writing to y’all just like the old days 😉
I know that I’ve been kind of throwing up 🤮on y’all lately. My vibe has not been the best. 💔
I’m so appreciative to have this outlet. Writing has always been a good way for me to get things off my chest and out of my head.🔏🔓
Sometimes things are just so confusing that I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Writing has been a great way for me to process issues. Honestly, it can makes things more confusing at times.😔 Other times it’s a way to release the pain. I need that.
I always enjoy hearing back from y’all! I want to know what you 🤔 think! The encouragement and perspective has really helped me! I don’t feel as alone.
I know not everybody feels that way…not everybody wants me to write about what’s going on in my life or how I feel! Who can blame them! We’re dealing with some ugly stuff and I’m not living this life by myself. I do usually try to be discreet. But sometimes I just can’t.
The fact of the matter is I have a lot of regrets. I want to take them as lesson and do better in the future. That’s really hard when you’re living in the eye of the storm. It truly sucks.
Not on the same page and bad communication, nothing is matching up. It’s a consistent uphill battle.
I can want to do better all day long… want a change! But you can’t plant a seed in crappy soil and expect anything to grow.
You could water it…you could give it sunshine! But if it’s dead soil… there’s no nutrition in it than it doesn’t fucking matter; nothing will come of it. Ever.
I’m not saying not to try. I’m not saying don’t be scrappy and do what you gotta do to get by. No, what I’m just saying is sometimes your plans might change. You might to be to plant somewhere else.
Priorities have to change. It’s not all about what The Company wants! I mean… what is the struggle for? We unhappy 🙁 It can’t be all about the money 💴 There’s more to life than that.
The picture is so much bigger. It’s about something different. Something so much more important. I can’t find it here. No one will ever find it here because it doesn’t exist.
And you can’t force this kind of thing. Make yourself believe this is what God wants for you. Your true destiny….your fate. Maybe that seems silly but there is a difference and you life is changed and your see every differently when your walking God’s path… not your path. We’re lost right now. I can’t see shit from here.
I think that we used to have it. I was tuned in and hearing clearly. I was focused. I would have NEVER allowed myself to live the way I am now. Never. I let him put my spark ⚡️out. Once we had a good thing. It was bigger than a house, it was better than fancy cars and no money could ever buy it.
I want that again. But it is not here. This place is absent of that. We are absent of that.
So I don’t care about moving up in a company! I don’t give a shit about lateral moves. All I care about is our souls at this point and mine is fucking sad….mine isn’t the only one that I’m worried about. That’s my only priority. I want to be found.
Greed, money, cars, big houses, fancy clothes and exotic vacations… how could we ever forget about the crazy amount of material bullshit… that’s the God that we serve. Welcome to my new home.
We welcome everyone as long as it’s NOT IN MY BACKYARD…that’s our motto!
Lord, helps us.
So I’m sorry that I’ve been in such a bad place but I’m surrounded by it everyday.
I know that everyone can’t possibly be this way. I’ve met a few nice people here. My coworkers are pretty awesome 😎 I try to focus on the good I found in them. Believe it or not this is me focusing on the good because if I didn’t have at least this…I don’t know what I would do. I’m already bubbling over, my chest feels like I’m having a freaking heart attack every day.
I watched a very shitty women refused to help an elderly lady at the gas pump yesterday and it blew my freaking mind!I wanted to punch her in the throat! Who the hell does she think she is! My mind was blown… I just don’t live in that world. Do you not respect your elders? I wish I would have been closer to help this lady.
I see this kind of disrespect and complete disregard for other human beings every single day. It’s eating at me.
Now I was terrible yesterday too because when I got the chance to finally see this disgusting person, I went off on this chick! She just drove away….you awful miserable cow! I’m still pissed.
Maybe I shouldn’t of said anything, who knows why she decided to be a terrible person. I wasn’t raise that way at all! Honestly, I would have got my ass kicked for acting that way by my parents. You never treat your elders that way!
Always help out if you can, hold the doors and be freaking respectful, have some common sense, it’s not that hard! Treat people like human beings and don’t act like you matter more than someone else because guess what, you don’t!
I’m gonna stop this rambling for now and just apologize for being in such a miserable 😩 place. I don’t like it here either and I’m sure you guys are tired of reading about it.
I really need to change the momentum and I need to be that change. I’m gonna try to do better.
If you believe in this sort of thing or whatever you believe…I’m just asking for some prayers, whichever way you do that. Lord knows I have a lot working against me here.
Xoxo sk
Push the boulder
Climb the mountain
Hide in the box
Beat the wall
Close it tight
Lock the door
Squeeze it tight till you can’t breathe anymore.
Search through the Valley
Lost in dark
Hear the small voice
Carry the weight
Bury it deep
Play the part
Secure the room
Plant your feet
Take a step
Break the bricks
Stack the stones
Hear my chest tick
Lost the way
Find a light
See a dream
Pull it up
Hold a hand
Take the cup
Drink it up
Say a prayer
Open the door
Leave the room
Breathe it in
Feel the heart
Set it free
Here it goes
Oh, Lord watch over me…
Xoxo sk
It’s easy to do my inventory from where you stand.
The view sure looks different from where you are.
How quickly we forget our own dirty little secrets.
You have no clue why I do what I do.
There’s not a chance you’d last a day
In My Shoes.
Now try for it a month.
Oh, hell…How ’bout a few years?
Battle where I’ve walk even longer than we’ll talk.
I’d be shocked if you made it through the day.
How easy it must be to judge me.
You look down on me so smug.
Have you lived this life?
Have you ever done the the things I’ve had to do?
I could run circles around you.
Please, make no mistake.
Even in the weakest, beat down to ground and can’t take another step…
I would still out last you.
You wouldn’t even know where to start
In My Shoes.
So for heaven sake have some class.
Remember your manners and your place.
Because one thing is for sure.
You are not equipped to be
In My Shoes.
What I have been through that made me this strong or
the things that make me feel weak, would kill you.
The wars I have faced would keep you up at night.
If you don’t know then shut up.
The fairy tale you know is just that.
In My Shoes
we deal with Real shit.
https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/04/28/do-you-see-me/
Check out Do You See Me if you haven’t yet. It’s was a hard one to write and very meaningful to me.
https://www.pinterest.com/skellylou303/
For more “Meaningful Words To Me” quotes for to my Pinterest page above
To my fellow writing community that messages me…Thanks for being so supportive. It means so much to me. Ya’ll have no idea. You’re getting me through. 🤟🏽
xoxo sk
Do You See Me
I don’t recognize myself anymore.
The eyes of this person are empty.
Yet a heart still beats, blood still flows.
I don’t trust the thoughts in my head.
Numb to feeling, blind to the light.
Where did the person I was go?
Do you see me?
When did this happen to me?
My legs move, I know that I exist.
I am not real anymore.
I’m a only ghost.
Do you see me?
Going through the motions.
People depend on me.
Keep my head up and solider on.
One foot in front of the other.
Force it, do it everyday and be okay.
Do you see me?
Take my pills to dull the pain.
Make me who I need to be.
I’ll be fine.
I’m not scared for me.
The future is not my concern.
No control, security, planning for a life for you.
Why am here?
Do you see me?
The wheel is not in my hands.
What’s next for me?
I wait for someone to tell me.
My life is blank to me.
I am nothing.
I am a character in someone else’s book.
The real me is so distance, I don’t remember her.
Do you see me?
I don’t belong here.
Unlikeable, different, and I don’t fit in.
Will never have the chance to find a real home.
I’m trapped, can’t look for a place to call home.
Prison, poison, trauma in life…stifle it, push it down.
Like a child, unseen, unheard.
Do you see me!
You’re tired of hearing it.
These tears are getting old.
They are drying up.
Things that matter don’t anymore.
Soon but ash.
Caged by my own mind.
The silents is so loud.
I want to know joy again.
A sleeping coma, I’m living in.
Do you see me?
Mostly this is my secret.
No one knows how I am.
People would never know the things I live.
Those who know me, know only what I show.
No one knows me well.
Do you see me?
In my world, it’s dark and repetitive.
The questions never stop and the answers never come.
What will makes me happy?
What’s wrong with me?
What happened?
Why are you like this?
You have to get over this!
What do I want?
What do I need?
Don’t you think if I had the answers to these things that I would be different?
I have a question for you.
Do you see me?
https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/04/26/when-words-wont-do/
xoxo sk