The Special Bloggers Award

The Special Blogger Award

 

Again…I’m such a slacker…

I’m super late responding to this honor and it’s not because I’m not so tremendously grateful. Life have just gotten ahead me yet again! I am thankful and love doing these awards! With all that said lets’ get to it!

I have received this special award from a blogger who has truly kept me going in some of toughest times…whether they know it or not. So thank you! God puts people on our path just we need them!

The Eclectic Contrarian

 

 

The rules:

  1. Thanks the blogger who nominated you.
  2. Answer the questions you are asked ( if you’re comfortable doing so!)
  3. Create 5 questions for the bloggers you’ve nominated.
  4. Nominate at least 3…no more 10 bloggers for the Special Blogger Award.
  5. Comment on your nominees most recent blog post to let them know you’ve nominated.
  6. Have fun

 

Are you a Generation X, Generation Z, millennial, etc.. what do you think about it and how does this make you feel?

Well, I think I’m Gen X and I am 100% very good with that! 

What are the little things that make you, you?

I cry easily and am also so hardcore at the same time. I’m strong and such baby. I feel other pain so much that it will effect me to the core. Yet, I strong and don’t feel physical pain like I do emotion. 

What post (whether your own or someone else) tells most about you?

The Bags I carry<Fabricthatmademe- State of Skelly

Why We Target You< Knowing The Narcissist- HG Tudor

What thing in nature do you think influences you?

100% the sun! If I go to many without seeing or feeling the sun I become depressed!

What is your best advice to anyone about anything?

It’s some of the best advice I ever got and it has nothing to do with writing. 

Discipline your children the same no matter where you are. Be the same parent at the store, at school, with your neighbors and in your home, then your kids will know you’re not pretending with them ever. 

 

 

Here’s my nominees:

The Creative Life In Between

ZIMMERBITCH

The Newbury Girl

Marjorie’s Mix

Fierce & Fabulous Revolution

Mom and Her Goals

My Questions:
What one thing that keeps you up at night?
What made you start your Blog?
3 thing about yourself that your haven’t shared yet in your blog.
Do you prefer the mountains or the Ocean and why?
What is one thing you can share that will help others improve their writing or blog page?
Thank you again for this award…I truly don’t deserve.
 xoxo sk

The Sunshine Blogger Award

The Sunshine Blogger Award

Firstly, I have apologize for my late response for this honor. I have no good excuse other than being overwhelmed with life. These awards do mean so much to me and I honestly do enjoy doing them! Who doesn’t appreciate some validation for the hard-work and love they have put into on something cherish?

Thank you and again Racheal, I am so sorry for my late response…Here we go…

 

Thank you so much for nominating me!

If you haven’t been to her blog you’re missing out!

Racheal’s Novels

 

THE RULES:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you.
  • Answer the 11 questions the blogger asked you.
  • Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.
  • List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award in your post/or on your blog.
  • Notify the nominees about it by commenting on one of their blog posts.
  •  

THE QUESTIONS:

1.Tell us something about yourself that will make our jaws drop? 

Wow…Sadly, I’m probably pretty lame. 🤓 I do think that I am really funny and take pride in being able to make people laugh even at my own expensive. I don’t get embarrass easily because I make fun of myself all the time. I prefer a burger and a cold beer over a fancy restaurant with wine any day. I hate dressing up or dress shoes. Jeans, sweat pants and  T-shirt with flip-flops or my favorite shoes, P.F Flyer! That’s me…Take it or leave it!

2.Do you collect?

Not sure I understand the question. So I’ll guess…

I did do the whole Willow-tree thing but now it’s journals and notebook with pens that write really well. I also like mugs that feel good in my hands. If I could collect dogs…I would.

3. What’s your Favorite Quote?

Female Entreprenuer Quotes | 40 Quotes for the Ultimate GirlBoss

4. Have you ever punched someone in the face?

Oh wow! Well… unfortunately I have done this before to a few people and now my hands look stupid now because of it. It was ridiculousness and dumb…thank goodness I wants part of the facebook, Instagram world.

5.Which places in the world would you like to visit?

For sure I would have to say one place would be Ireland: Drombeg Stone Circle, County Cork, Ireland | by zelen.8208

The other would be Italy/Venice:Are you heading to Italy then you must find the best things to do and see in Venice! #italy #venice #travel

 

6.What makes you forget about everything around you?

The first answer is writing. Getting all my thoughts on the paper or typing them out and creating is good for me. I can get lost in a good book too but lately I’ve found myself losing time in the story tellings of Mike Rowe’s  The Way I Heard It Podcast. It’s very interesting, the way he surprises you at the end of every story!  Logo

7. What’s your favorite season? Why?

I have always and forever loved autumn. I usually live in place where the summers are super hot and winter is super cold so you pray for spring and fall. The colors and beautiful and air smells good. Everything right down to the food is perfect. I like when I can wear a hoodie all the time but still not need a real coat. That is perfect for me.

Hi everyone, you all know how much I love to fall so, Here we go with another fall post by moi! I just want to let you all know that if this post sounds like it was written in a bit of a hurry its because it kinda was. Here's the thing So I had…

8. Are you an Introvert or Extravert?

I think I’m a mix of both but leaning heavy on the introvert. When I have had a “peoplely” day, I really have to be alone to recharge. It takes everything out of me to be with lots of people. Yet, I do like socializing with others and experiencing life with other people. Maybe large groups aren’t my thing? 🤷🏻‍♀️

9. Why in the 21st century with all this technology do we still have people who die because of lack of food and water?

This not a tech problem… this is a people problem and I’ll just leave this right here.

10.Have you ever donated something to someone who has less than you?

Yes all the time.

11.Do you have a Boy/girlfriend or wife or husband?

I do! I’m married and have been for 15 years and together for almost 18 years this September!

20170806_212327

MY QUESTIONS:

1.Do you make Money off you blog?/ What purpose do you think your blog serves?

2.Scary Movies, Comedies, or Action?

3.Favorite Season and why?

4. Life changing moment that changed your direction in life?

5.Salty foods or sweet?

6.Have you ever broken your parents heart?

7.What do you want to be when you grow up?

8. Are you someone that likes to try different things or stick to what you know?

9.How many states have you LIVED in?

10.Do you like to drink tea or coffee?

11. What’s your favorite book, blog, or tv show, podcast, Youtube channel at the moment? 

 

MY NOMINEES:

Maybe Be Crazy Help

Something To Stu Over

Forty something Life As We Know It

Knowing the Narcissist  

Please don’t feel like you have to participate in this. However, I do want you know I enjoy your blog to the nominated above. Your post do more than entertain, they inspirer, encourage and for me personal they let me know I’m not alone. That’s everything.

*** This is what I’m going to go with for now….

Clear Eyes

And I think to myself… what a wonderful world 🌎

If I want my world to be 💕

My voice doesn’t need to be the loudest🌊

To changes Hearts ♥️ & move mountains 🏔

Remembering who I am & who God has Called me to be 🙏🏼

Listening to the inner voice ♥️ to direct & give me strength 💪🏽

Sometimes I’m shaken & broken 💔 but only to wipe away dirt from my eyes 👀

My vision is restored & heart ❤️ is back in place 🙏🏼

I see truth for what it is and I am at peace ✌🏽

xoxo sk

“Trying It On”-How to make choices with Faith

change-choices-choose-277615

Devotions on making decisions in Faith

How to have confidence my decisions are being made with Gods plans in mind and not my own agenda.

As I have written about in pasted blogs, I’m on a quest to reconnect to my Father Christ. One of the ways that I have been doing this is through reading devotions and Bible Studies on the Bible App

Recently, I finished a few different studies. The first one, titled Make Decisions with Faith and confidence . It was mind blowing just how exact to my life this study was and how much I needed to read every word.  It’s amazing how God knows just what we need, when we need it. Every word was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. I’ve said many times how I wish that I could just send a quick email or text to God and get a response right back letting me what to do. Yes, a prayer to God is like sending a text message but most the time the answers don’t come as clear as getting a text back.

The “Try It On” method that the Bible study talks about is such an awesome way to learn how to make choices. This “Try It On” method supports my connection on a clear FM channel verses the static of an AM channel with The Holy Spirit. The “Try It On” method keeps us accountable and keeps us from becoming stagnate in our fear of make a move. We also have to be in-tune with The Holy Spirit, speak the language, have the relationship or “connection”. That’s pretty powerful, I think.

How many times do we question if we’re making the right choice? Or are so scared that we’ll make the wrong decision, that we end up not making any decisions for ourselves at all. I only wish I had read this devotion/Bible Study sooner.

I know I’ve been the victim of my own fears for years! The pressures of worrying that I’ll disappoint others and lead my family down the wrong path. However, when I am sitting in motionless contemplation, purely relying only on my very limited wisdom and over emotional mental state; I’m wasting away! This is just what the enemy wants. He love us to doubt ourselves and to waste away. What decisions are being made when I’m in a holding pattern like that? No progress will ever be made if I am just “thinking” things over all the time? I’m playing right into the enemy’s hands!

Indecision is a decision too and not a good one.  

The “Try It On” Method

How to make small steps in a direction and wait on God to speak to you.

The example was perfect, like trying on a shirt before you buy it. You wonder the store looking through the racks of clothes until something catches your eye. Then you find the one you “think” will work and you “Try It On”. You see how it fits, what it looks like on… you decide if this is the right shirt for you to buy. That is pretty much how the “Try It On” process works with everything.

Let try something bigger.

Using the example of moving to the great state of California. 🙄

When we got the news that we were moving to California I started to check out the  schools and houses in the area that I thought we might move to. (I of course now would ask WAY more questions than I did before. LESSONS!)

Step 1. As I’m looking for housing -this is me actively taking a step in a direction of moving towards California.  I can see that housing is expensive and we can NOT afford to live here on what we make. But I wasn’t listening to God. Next time I will.

Step 2.  After we moved toward something, what does it feel like? How rough or smooth is the process going? Do you have a little voice telling anything? I remember I didn’t feel good about moving towards California the whole time it was happening but I pushed on.

I had trouble finding housing, schools for my kids, the packers were awful and they broke all our things. A hundred and one things were going wrong! I had a voice in the back of my head telling me that we shouldn’t do this move but I continued to pushed on. I felt defeated for some reason, like I couldn’t turn back. The worries I had about staying in Minnesota were now much more about leaving there. I wasn’t waiting on God or listening to Him at all.

Step 3. Are you a list person? Do like to write everything out? This is me! List keep me organize and on top of things. What I tend to do when I have a decision to make is write out a Pros and Cons list. This sounds like a reasonable thing to do but what I end up doing is putting all my faith in this list.  I’m not listening to God or waiting on Him for direction, only on this piece of paper.

Here’s the reason why the list is wrong. 

Sure, it’s good to get your mind calm and organized but not to rely on your list.

I wrote out a Pros and Cons list myself when we were getting ready to move to California. Everything was pointing to Georgia as weird as that sounds. It was loud and clear ( I’ll dive into that later) Here’s an older blog that I wrote when we first started our moving process- Here We Go Again.  As much as I was focusing on California everything kept coming back to wait on Georgia (so it felt) but I ignored that.

My list was full of Pros for California and as we now know all our time here has not been good at all. While I was pushing towards California like it was my full time job, ever song was about Georgia, ever TV show, I had friends and friends of friends moving there or had some new connection to Georgia. Pretty soon there were so many things in my ear about Georgia but I wasn’t listening because I was full force to California, even though it felt wrong.

Side note: We later found out that Jason’s mentor and the man who hired him was moved to Georgia as the Zone Manager. 

Step 4. Keep making little steps toward a choice while The Holy Spirit directs you which way to step.

Each step I took moving to California was rough and difficult. To say our path was bumping is the understatement of the century. God was clear to us that this was not the right place for us but we made it happen anyway. Now we’re living the consequences for those choices.

The Goodness of God in Bad decisions this blog is excel! Check out more on “our” consequences and a God of miracles.

Second Chances 

I had a chance to take it back but I didn’t.

Our God is a God of Grace and Mercy. He showed me this time and time again but I wasn’t seeing it. The enemy had control and it makes me sick to think I let that happen.

As I mentioned before I couldn’t find a school that could accommodate my kids needs and this was a struggle for me. There were so many moving part to this relocation and the enemy was good at what he was doing to my mind and heart. I was confused and frustrated!  Since I was handling this move all by myself and not leaning on God at all, I felt absolutely responsible for making sure no one was burdened. I wanted to be able to say I was able to do this and made it work.  Again the enemy had made me believe that no one believed in me and I wasn’t able.

I received a called from a lady that coordinated our move. I can’t remember her exact title but I remember having a melt down on the phone with her. I was in my car and I had to pull over, I just cried. I told her how difficult this move was becoming and how worried I was about the schools for my kids.

This lady, I believe her name was Pam, was so kind to me on the phone. She made many calls back forth to me for two days and told that although we had already signed our relocation and many thing have already been in motion that we would get one forgiveness. She explained to me that considering everything that I told her, she believes we qualify for that. I didn’t know what to say to her, because Jason was already in California working.

I told her I needed to think about it and I’d call her back. I struggled with what do. I knew with every bone in body I needed to cancel this move but Jason was already in California. He and I barely spook a word to each other, our communication wasn’t great at this point. All I could think about was how disappointment Jason would be that I couldn’t handle this move. I would have failed. I kept replaying Jason firmly speaking to me “If we do this move…Don’t let it come back on me!” Even though I knew I didn’t want this move, I felt like I had to do it now.

I called Pam back and thanked her for all  that she had done for me but we were going to move forward. This would end up being some of the worse depression that I have ever been in. Suicidal thoughts, marriage tore apart, kids hanging by a thread, living in an over price house thats failing apart…the list goes on. Jason has his own list of troubles.

Mercies and Grace Never Fail

Although these last ten in a half month were some of most terrible months of my life, coming back from the wreckage I think have made me stronger than ever. It’s weird in a way because I’m still very vulnerable. This is an uphill climb for me but I have never felt more connected, more sure of myself in a long time. That feel so amazing. God isn’t just a God of second chances, He is a God of forgiveness and Love. He came to find His lost. I was one of lost for sure and I’ve been found but still am a work in progress.

This post Billy Graham’s My Answer: Does God Give Us Second Chances is a a great read. Much better at explaining  how God loves beyond the second or third time we humans mess up… Check it out.

Conclusion

You can’t move in a parked car.

At some point I have to arise and go. I have to put a little pressure on the gas petal so God can put my steering wheel to use. At the same time I need to allow the little voice called The Holy spirit to speak to me. When it does, that’s the way the steering wheel should turn.

If I would have listened ten in a half months ago I would have yanked that wheel around! But thankful God is full of Miracles and I truly believe He will turn this very unpleasant venture into something we will end up being very thankful for. I can’t even believe I’m saying that. But With God anything is possible.

 

Hope you all enjoyed this blog! Thanks for all your comments, LIKES & love along the way! All your encouragement really make a impact as I keep blogging and getting my feet under me! 

xoxo sk

 

 

 

 

My Sweetest Friend (youtube)

Best of friends before there was more.

My sweetest friend, still and forever.

Hurt feelings, painful words, loneness and crushing heartache takes it toll. You’re not the only one with insecurities. You’re not the only one who has fears that the other could just walk away.

We love and we hurt.

Then we fight and keep loving some more.

XOXO sk

#DreamTeam #2001 #2004

 

Check out P!nks Facebook page here P!nk

Enjoy Poems? Here’s few from the past and from some other bloggers I enjoy! Check them out!

Don’t Let Me Fall Me

parallax

The Eclectic Contrarian

 

The Bags I carry

 

 

 

2 years

In the last 2 years I’ve experienced somethings that have really changed my laugh and broken my smile…literally! Thank you Bell’s Palsy! 

The amount of change, worry, fear, loneliness and control over every decision made over my life has really crippled me. I hate the person I have become. Never in a million years did I think I would end up this way. I have really confused love.

I’m not sure what’s best for me anymore and that’s a scary thing. I’ve been so isolated and drugged quite frankly that allowing someone to pull the strings has been easy. You don’t realize it’s even happening because every word I eat up and it’s so easy to spin a web in my head. It’s sadly so effortless for me to let challenges go or take the blame, feel the guilt.

Let’s be honest my mental state has been weak for some time now. I have basically disappeared in my life and in my families life in most ways. Sure I take up space and they need me to do things for them. God knows they would starve without me. I’m here to lend an ear and I enjoy our conversations. My sisters always manage to get a laugh out of me here and there. But just because I’m alive doesn’t mean I’m living. I’m not and haven’t been.

 

6 months

The last 6 months may have been the worse yet. The only time in my life since high school that I have thought it’d be fine if I was dead. It’s terrifying when you are able to convince yourself that the world will be fine without. Someone will take over and handle your position. I was okay with, it was weird like I came to peace with it. For awhile when these thought would creep in my head I’d cry and get real sad but after awhile I’d think, “What will be, will be.” and I just didn’t care anymore.

I can honestly say the lack of love and care that I have received, along with not having the ability to control anything over my life has made me stop caring about my life at all. It’s like I’m walk around in a very bad dream but other times ( and most of the time ) I feel like I’m watching myself in someone else’s dream.

 

1 1/2 month

Now, I have had some tiny sparks of life here and there in the last month or so. Like a dead person being brought back to life but not fully. Maybe it’s going to be a process after being part of the walking-dead for long.

I have started to talk a little more and conversations about important topics are now happening, which is why it makes me absolutely insane when I’m told I’m not talking and/or my words start to get turned around or used against me.

I’m making good progress here but I see that door still. It’s just over my shoulder and I look at it often, it’s not far away. I could walk through it at anytime, shut down and go away and stop all this if I wanted to. That’s something I could do. They don’t know what it takes for me every second not to.

 

Sometimes I feel like I’m be taunted.

There are times I find myself crawling back into bed but only for a moment. I just need to give my mind a little break. Break from the needs and wants of everyone. I can’t do much for myself but I can go lay down for just minute. I can give myself that.

Sure, it pisses everyone off because they want me up and doing things for them or at the very less giving them my attention. “Give me a freaking second!”, I yell and then they do but my made to feel the worse Mom ever for it… usually. Being mental disabled is exhausting.

However, I’ve been better about trying to keep the laundry up and the house mostly clean. I read to my kids just about daily and have taken them to the library a few times now ( outings were hard before ). Making dinner and planning ahead has been easier to do most the time. I have my moments but I get it done.

To all of you this may sound obvious… may be not a big achievement.  If I read this earlier in my life I would have thought this person was pretty pitiful, “You can’t cook dinner and you’re able to now read to your kids?”  What the hell is up with that? I know it’s crazy but I’m not who I was and every month, every day, I’m a new person and I’m fighting a new and terrible freaking struggle that I never imagined.

Now and Moving Forward

As you saw at the top of this post there’s a music video by the artist/musician NF www.nfrealmusic.com 

I like all music and I’ve written about that before, though rap isn’t everyones cup of tea I understand. However, I have a weird connect with NFs’ work it seems. Maybe we are just both really messed up people wanting to not be and he just happens to be far better at words than I am.

I listen to each word, each song and I think YES! That’s what I’m feeling but I didn’t know how to say it or how to explain it to someone else. His music has been good for me to share to help explain how I feel but also to be better.

You should smile more. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you talk to me?

When you’ve been down that road so many times…you know your words evaporate into air, no ones really hearing you. It’s been hard for me to explain myself because I really want someone to talk to me, not at me. I want someone to care but not dictate my every move. And for F-sakes, sometimes I’m not thinking anything…I’m just being. Please forgive me if a genuine smile doesn’t come easy anymore. I’m a broken person.

The thing I have found as I battle, is we are all a little broken. Some are better at hiding it, others moving pass it and heal it, then theres me. I’m like waves in the ocean. One minute I feel like I’m healed…my brokenness is mended but then the next I’m a raging storm. I can move mountain, destroy buildings, reck my very soul and then theres this very creepy and eerie stillness that comes…I know this stage all to well and this part of me is probably the most dangerous time for me.

I’m distant, silent and still, as if I don’t exist at all. You’re not sure if the storm has moved on and the sun will soon come out or if round two will rear it’s ugly head. This non-movement can go on for weeks, months…my mind is busy convincing me that this is what it’s like without you… I don’t need to be here…. walk through that door… just go and end this pain.

At that point I am basically dead, a lifeless corpus just going through the motions but just hardly. I’m waiting for it to end…hoping God will just jerk the wheel because I’m too scared to do it myself. There’s still apart of me that wants to live and even misses that feeling of joy. I’m sure after awhile of my miserable lethargic disappearance that the “living” people around me start wishing for the storm to return, at least than you’d know I’m alive and fighting for something. I start wishing for it too.

As of now and the last few weeks I’ve been praying and reconnecting spiritual. I never realize how hard it’s be to reconnect to God after being so far away from Him. I’ve always had a very strong faith even in the hardest of times. I can’t put my finger on why things have slipped away….why I have slipped away. I guess it way so gradual that I didn’t see the distant until I was so far away that I couldn’t see Him, feel Him and I didn’t think of my spiritual life at all.

The last thing I want to be is a person who only calls on God in a crisis. I can’t deny I’m in a crisis and I’m calling on Him… a lot. I’m rebuilding that relationship and trying to find my place again. I guess if being in the totally nightmare was Gods way of shaking the shit out of me and wake me up then I’m glad for it. Don’t get me wrong…I’m done with this lesson…I don’t want to learn anything else.

Baby steps it is. I’m slowly gaining my confidence back and trying to take my life back. I know in this process I may have to make some hard calls but I’m willing to do it. No one said this was going to easy and I wasn’t going to be uncomfortable trying to figure this out but it’s a means to an end. I have to aim at something, Arise and go! The wondering and being lost is over. I want to have some control and have peace.

My faith was shaken and maybe even gone…defiantly on pause. That needs to be reignited for sure and number one. The rest will come and I am getting it in order. I am, I promise.

Living arrangements, I’ll be totally truthful… you all know about as much as I do on that. I could be sleeping in my truck…hell I don’t know. But I do have some choices to make. There’s a few other things that need to happen first before that can be talked about.

When the conversation happens I need to stay calm…I need to stop crying.

My marriage…well it’s comes and goes. We both want it to be good and we have love for each other so that something. But the sweet unstoppable friendship we had. That wittiness and closeness that no one could break… It’s not there. I have hope we’ll get that back and that this stress of life has just weighted us down and broke us sadly. As we lighten our burdens and move forward things will get better and we remember the way we were maybe it will be better, stronger. I only hope.

 

Lastly, I want to include one other NF video that really hit me. I don’t want to just walk through this life asleep, numb and waiting for my real death. I want to live and love to my real potential and stop letting anyone hold me back from that.

 

 

xoxo sk

Mother’s Day & Perspective 2019

Mother’s Day & Perspective

 

 

 

A Different Type Of Mother’s Day

This Mother’s Day I would definitely describe as sweet and beautiful. Maybe even bittersweet at some points.

I know a lot of effort was put into this Mother’s Day. It was hard to pull it together with our situation. Finances and expenses here in California have been seriously hard to adjust to. Damn near impossible actually! Plus we’re still working on relationships stuff. Not to mention really tighten up the parent reins! We’ve been seriously out of touch as a family with all this other junk going on. All that combine makes for a difficult situation… but not in possible one.

 

 

I think what Jason planned, was probably the best for all of us! We all needed to get out of the town for a little while, exploring a new place and kind of getting out of our heads.

Going North

Travels north through San Luis Obispo up to Pizmo beach

I have a slight obsession with the orchards. Rows and rows of fruit trees forever! Mostly we see apricot trees but there are tons of orange, lemon, lime, pomegranate, fig and avocado tress too. It’s so awesome!

In Colorado you’re pretty lucky if you get edible apples on your apple tree! To see all these fruits trees for miles is pretty spectacular. And to know that it doesn’t just feed a family, these trees feed tons and tons of people everywhere.

There’s also fields that go on forever of strawberries. 🍓 It’s pretty surprising all the agriculture here. I would’ve never guessed!

I guess I should’ve known that lots of fruits and vegetables come here (Southern California) but in my mind it was all about Hollywood, celebrities and beaches! Not that that isn’t a big part of this place because it is. It’s just that there’s so much more than just that.

Entering The Mountains

It was nice to get a sense of home. Some times I feel like I’m homeless.

There were definitely times that if I didn’t know I was in California, I could’ve sworn I was in Colorado. Maybe there weren’t as many Pine trees everywhere but the beauty was there and even the crazy drivers!

It was a great drive and so much beautiful scenery everywhere. We were surrounded by gorgeous hillsides, mountaintops, trees and other amazing colorful plants. California is truly a beautiful place. I could never deny that.

However I couldn’t help feeling this pain in my chest as we curved through these beautiful roads. I know in my heart that place is tearing my marriage and family apart. This might sound dramatic… I’ve been called worse… but I feel this place the devil in disguise.

Totally mesmerizing us with its bewitching scenery and alluring weather, why would you ever want to leave? I absolutely see why people move here and scramble to make ends meet to live in this place. Sometimes I feel like it’s not real… until I meet some other people. Then reality hits… hard.

I did all that I could to clear my head and stay of out this negative place. All I want and frankly needed, was to be in the moment with my husband and my kids.

Fog and The Hills

The story book like hills of Ojai

The twisty curvy roads are just crazy here! They do make driving interesting. Actually when no one else is on the road trying to push you off the road, it’s really fun to cruise up and down these canyons.

I love how the dense fog would settle into the valleys. The fog was so heavy that it soaked the air. Everything looked so storybook like.

We were able to pull over so I could take a few pictures but it was tricky. Even though these roads were so steep and so curvy people still decided to drive very fast through them. Which made pulling over to take a picture quite dangerous.

It was still pretty amazing watching the land and sky collide.

Farm land and Moo Cows

Santa Maria was a smaller Community as we continue to head north.

We did a quick stop here just to stretch our legs. Even though this was a short stop, I have to admit it was nice to see this place as it reminded me of the small town of Wray CO.

A large part of my family lives there and I miss them so much! Of course Santa Maria wasn’t quite as flat as Wray is but it still sparked a little bit of home for me. It also made me miss it a little more to.

The whole drive gave me time to think about many things. Which triggered me to miss many things as well and that only made me more frustrated!

I started to worry the only way I’d ever get “home” would be for a funeral. This is such a fear of mine. Every time I think about this I only get more and more angry and feel more and more resentful.

I want to explain just one reason why… I have many reasons but here one:

A few months back a close friend our Jason and ours died. This person at one time almost married my sister and was my child Godfather. He was also a childhood friend of my husbands. We sadly had to step away due to very different ways of lives we were all living. Even though we still loved each other.

When this person passed away we both wanted to be there for the funeral, our friends and the family. This was so shocking for all of us.

However as we looked at everything we knew it would be expensive and difficult for both of us to go.

I could have pushed the issue with Jason. I had ever reason to be there too. However, I knew it was important to get Jason there. This would help his mental state and Jason needed his friends in this moment more than I did right then. I needed to sacrifice  going to Colorado for him so I did.

I wish that I was given that same courtesy and respect once in awhile. Have time and freedom has been missing from my life since the day we left Colorado and I need time away. Visiting my family and my friend to mentally regroup would do wonders for me. I never get this… I never GOT this.

These are the type of thing that send me down the rabbit hole and I get myself spinning. I started to feel completely trapped, controlled and child-like. Resentment hits me.

This is the bitter-part.

Time for grub and drinks

Finally getting San Luis Obispo and enjoying a cold one! Finally!

First of all I about died when I saw they had a drive-thru movie 🎥 theatre! This was parts of my childhood and it makes me truly sad these theaters are gone! Seeing one that was playing relevant movies made my LIFE! I wish we could have gone! I want to do to this!

The bar and grill, Central Coastal Brewery is actually owned by a guy Jason use to work with. This place is pretty awesome!

The brewery system is truly a sight! There’s a game room that puts all other game rooms to shame! This isn’t a cheesy over top kiddy place, it’s adult style gaming area, with pool tables, shuffleboard and other board games.

There was an outside bar and although I didn’t get to explore the backyard/patio area in depth (due to construction) what I did see was beyond awesome! I definitely could have a good time there!

The bar inside is massive! There were plenty of beers and other mixed drinks to choose from! The atmosphere as a whole is great!

As for the food I only got an appetizer and my son and Jason got burgers. We got 2 hot soft pretzels with mustard and beer cheese and I believe some type of spicy burger. We also had Potnacho… what this is basically is nacho on really crispy potato chips. It was super yummy and now I want to make my nachos this way forever!

We had a good time here!

Change of Plans… Kinda

Beautiful Pismo Beach and an old naked ass…

We drove through Pismo Beach and it was a really nice place. It looked… um… expensive.

We decided to find a place we could hike that my daughter could manage with her lovely cast. (Have I mentioned, she has a broken hand?)

Jason thought we’d try Avila Beach. We have never been and probably won’t go again.

It was a good little hike with kids, especially with it been so hot out that day. Who knew that by the time we got to the beach part we’d be greeted by a warning sign.

I kinda thought it was a joke. We decided to see if we could actually get Grace down to the beach and back up when all the sudden I look over and see the oldest hippie…. a 90 year old man pulling off his pants. My head immediately looks over to Grace! Her eyes are wide open and she looks like she saw a ghost. I grab her a turn around.

It was only a second but it’s burned in my head and I’m sure G’s too. Nude beaches in California? Really!

So out of all the bodies on that beach the 90 year old is the one to strip down…. fabulous! After that we hiked it on out of there and headed back home.

 

 

Conclusion

This day road trip was really sweet and I love Jason for giving us all a good day together. He did such a nice thing for all of us.

Even with this very sweet trip and seeing more of just how beautiful California is… I can’t help but feel even more homeless, even more lost.

I know that wasn’t Jason’s intension with this road trip at all, for me to become so deep in thought; but honestly, I think he feels the same way.

We miss our friendships and family. We’ve dead broke here! Happiness is hard to come by. I’ve basically been in turmoil ever since I felt Colorado. Life has been a bitch.

I can name a few good things… it hasn’t been all bad. We did have some good times in Minnesota and made some awesome friends. We have made some great memories together as family. The kids would have never been able to see all the things we have shown them without this crazy life. I’m glad and thankful for all the good moments and even the lessons.

The hard part is what this has done to me mentally. I’ve been broken. It’s crazy how time and experiences can change a person so much you don’t recognize yourself anymore.

Our drive on Mother’s Day gave me so much time to reflect and think. The conclusion for me is I’m sick on feeling homeless and I want to lay down some roots. I miss my sisters and my nieces and nephew. My kids should be able to know their cousins and have good relationships with their grandparents. I miss my parents and I miss Jason’s mom too! We’ve always been pretty close and you know what! Time is passing us by, they’re getting older, we’re getting older and we’re wasting all of this time, just hurting and being broken.

I need to make a plan to fix all this.

Taken It For Regret

http://Pismo Beach, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pismo_Beach,_California

http://Avil Beach, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avila_Beach,_California

xoxo sk

Do You See Me

 

Do You See Me

I don’t recognize myself anymore.

The eyes of this person are empty.

Yet a heart still beats, blood still flows.

I don’t trust the thoughts in my head.

Numb to feeling, blind to the light.

Where did the person I was go?

Do you see me?

When did this happen to me?

My legs move, I know that I exist.

I am not real anymore.

I’m a only ghost.

Do you see me?

Going through the motions.

People depend on me.

Keep my head up and solider on.

One foot in front of the other.

Force it, do it everyday and be okay.

Do you see me?

Take my pills to dull the pain.

Make me who I need to be.

I’ll be fine.

I’m not scared for me.

 The future is not my concern.

No control, security, planning for a life for you.

Why am here?

Do you see me?

The wheel is not in my hands.

What’s next for me?

I wait for someone to tell me.

My life is blank to me.

 I am nothing.

I am a character in someone else’s book.

The real me is so distance, I don’t remember her.

Do you see me?

I don’t belong here.

Unlikeable, different, and I don’t fit in.

Will never have the chance to find a real home.

I’m  trapped, can’t look for a place to call home.

Prison, poison, trauma in life…stifle it, push it down.

Like a child, unseen, unheard.

Do you see me!

You’re tired of hearing it.

These tears are getting old.

They are drying up.

Things that matter don’t anymore.

Soon but ash.

Caged by my own mind.

The silents is so loud.

I want to know joy again.

A sleeping coma, I’m living in.

Do you see me?

Mostly this is my secret.

No one knows how I am.

People would never know the things I live.

Those who know me, know only what I show.

No one knows me well.

Do you see me?

In my world, it’s dark and repetitive.

The questions never stop and the answers never come.

What will makes me happy?

What’s wrong with me?

What happened?

Why are you like this?

You have to get over this!

What do I want?

What do I need?

Don’t you think if I had the answers to these things that I would be different?

I have a question for you.

Do you see me?

 

https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/04/26/when-words-wont-do/

http://nfrealmusic.com

 

xoxo sk

 

The Andersons and Kellys Take SoCal… Kinda…

Socal With OUr Minnesota Family

 

Here are just a few random pictures that I put together of Beautiful California and some people I love very much! 💕

I am excited to finally be able to share our visit/vacation and time that we spent with the Anderson family. It was so good to see them and I hope to do a Vegas trip very soon!

I had a million glitches with my computer and my entire brain, Getting this video together and going threw all the pictures was time consuming but then to have my computer turn against me was infuriating! I finally got hours of video and 100s of pictures all edited and pieced together and it’s DONE! Now if this is any good is another thing…

I know this video is far too damn long (please watch it anyway….please) and please HIT that LIKE button! I need validation…. okay! As much as I could careless if people like…like me (not really, I’m lying)…I would still so LOVE a tiny bit of acknowledgment because I find my self-worth through your validation so for crying in the night help a girl out, if you’re reading https://fabricthatmademe.com/ and my watching my Videos HIT the LIKE! 

Like, I said before I know the video is crazy long but The Anderson and Kelly family spent 5 days or so together, there was so much to share! We did some pretty cool things in that time!

Blessed beyond words

I wanna say that I am completely aware of how blessed our family is to have these amazing people in our lives. They could go anywhere they wanted, spend their time and money anyway they please but they choose us. I’m beyond thankful and humbled for our friendship.

Xoxo sk

 

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qO-5OqBU4BQ[/embedyt]

Check out this blog: Back togetherhttps://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/03/08/coming-up-back-together/

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