A Hometown State of Mind is just what I need to get centered… the get back to the fabric that made me.
I was sitting here trying to recall my last visit home? It’s sad that actually I can’t remember. Christmas in 2017 we went as a family and it was a rushed trip! My anxiety was terribly! I was home once before that in June 2016 I think, for Father’s day, to surprise my parents. That visit was a less than 45 hour turn around for me and I back in Minnesota!
Jason, I and the kids did a short stop in Colorado when we were journeying to California but I was on special orders, that I had NO TIME to make plans with a soul… so I saw no one. We only spent one single night at my parents house before we hit the road again.
Spending less than 2 hours, saying a quick hello-goodbye to my Aunt, Uncle and Grandparents in Wray, CO but then it was all business again and we were back on the road. It wasn’t what I wanted at all. I was really missing and needing my friends and family then. This was probably the start of my down-ward spiral into major depression, I just didn’t know how bad at the time.
All of my two visits to my hometown have been very rushed. Jason can’t take on the kids or handle more responsibilities than his job, so he tends to panics when I’m not around to handle the living-being in our care. Even this current visit coming up to Colorado, Jason is in a frenzy about me leaving and I’m taking the kids with me this time! I mean, let me live, Dude!
Home sick…
My One solo trip to CO
I will always love my home. Colorado
I favorite place will always be the mountains
You just never know what you’ll see but this made me smile Colorado
I have seen so many beautiful different fields but by far my favorited is golden fields of wheat North Dakota
South Dakota…somewhere
Beautiful views all around on this long road trip
I favorite place will always be the mountains
Meeting Aunt Jessie for breakfast in Lakewood,CO before hitting the road for CA
Visiting My some of my very favorite people on this earth my Wray/Magruder Fam in Wray, Colorado
You just never know what you’ll see but this made me smile Colorado
Time for some fun and laugher with people that I miss and love, in a place that I once called home.
It’s been a long time since I really laughed, like a real belly laugh. You know the laughs that make your face go ugly and you start to cry but it feels so good! I need that! I need the ugly, tear streaming down your face kind of laugh! I haven’t had a whole lot of happiness going on for awhile! It’s been too long and I’ve been on survival mode! There’s been no time with friends, no conversations with a single human or really living my best life in this world at all. I’ve been just barely getting by! I’ve said this too many times…I’m like a rat in a cage! But I’ve allow this to happen to me. I did this to myself!
My happiness comes from inside me and that’s an awesome freedom and scary reality!
I miss my friends, my family and my home. Mostly, I miss making my own life choices and having some freedom in my choices! What I’ve realized is, I can take control of my life and my happiness. It is possible…I can be a leader in my own life. However, not everyone will always be happy with my choices and I have to be okay with that. I also have to know I am responsible for the outcome. I can’t put it on anyone else.
I mean it hasn’t been all bad, I’ve definitely learn some valuable lessons along the way! I’ve made lifetime friends in Minnesota! I’ll be forever grateful for the Andersons and their friendship. California has been a real B***H! It’s because of my brokenness that I found my hope.
While I’m in Colorado I’ll have some time to remember the good times and get caught up with some old friends. I’m excited to have this time to be with my friends and not have anyone to push or pull me into a direction they want. I need this break and I think Jason needs it too.
No Place like home…
So Tuesday I and the kids will be in Colorado for a month. I don’t know what to say other than, I ask for prayers during this time. I’m sure the kids need this just as bad as I do, to see their cousins and grandparents. We needs to be part of something and feel safe and sound again. Our security has been shot. Our peace has been ripped apart but we are on the mend. I have hope for us.
I’ll keep my blog updated with “life”! I’m excited to see where God leads us. I have faith He is hard at work.
Hurt feelings, painful words, loneness and crushing heartache takes it toll. You’re not the only one with insecurities. You’re not the only one who has fears that the other could just walk away.
How times just whips by when I think about these babies. They said it would, I didn’t believe them at first. Those first weeks of sleepless nights dragged on into months of 1am dirty diapers, feedings and crying for both of us. At the times it seemed like it was going to be that way forever.
Like it was yesterday…
Only 4 or 5 short months of marriage, I was pregnant with our first child, Tristan. I remember thinking “How could I actually be pregnant?”- At 25 years old I still felt so adolescent myself. How could I keep another human alive?
Tristan just seconds old
New Mom with her new baby
Tristan as a Pre-schooler
Enjoying Life
Root Beer Float Huntington Beach CA
Poppy and Trist
Best smile ever
First days on the beach CA
Five pregnancy test later the truth was reviled! On my break from work, in a bathroom stall is where I found out I was indeed going to be a Mom. This wasn’t the way you discover your newfound parenthood in the EPT commercials or in the movies at all but either way my life was about to change forever.
Our little family…
Our little family was just, Jason, me, Tristan and a black lab named Buddy for 5 years. Tristan was the one and only Grandson and I might add first boy on my side of the family! In a sea of girls, I believe my Dad was over joyed to have a boy, finally! He was and still is in so many ways everyones pride and joy. The first baby we welcomed to the family. Tristan got to experience being an only child for a good chuck of time! Tristan having all the attention for 5 years of his life and then only dealing with “useless” babies after (which all came at the same time), there’s no doubt he reaped every benefit of be the first!
I had never loved anyone or anything more in my entire life.
Raising my first Child and caring for his every want and need was my full time job, along with working outside of the house. New Mom, new wife, new home-owner …new at being a “real” adult! I was failing a lot.
I gave every ounce of myself to loving this little person and being this new married-person. Tired all the time! Not just sleepy, I mean exhausted! The kind of exhaustion that makes you feel sick in your head and sleeping on a busy highway would be welcoming! That was me for a few years!
Lonely, I did this new parent thing mostly by myself. This was one of the scariest and saddest times I can think of. Although, I have blocked out many details of those years, what I can tell you is those years were not what I had planned for myself or for my child at all.
Lost, I had no clue what I was doing 100% of the time, this hasn’t changed much at all. I had never cared for a baby before and especial the way I feeling. Everyday I was put in some weird situation that I didn’t know how to handle and I just hoped for the best.
I know without any doubt that every scared, fearful and unsure, sleepless moment has been worth it to just have this amazing kid in my life. Strength in this knowledge that I hold on to in my half melted brain and full heart of all I have withstand; I have no hesitation that the next years will be an amazing experience raising and continuing to growing this child into a man.
God has blessed me all the way, even when my eyes were too blurred with tears too see and my heart was too broken to feel it. I may be guessing and praying my way through this parenthood thing but I am loving and growing my kid the best I know how through this crazy world.
Parenthood is Hard…
Parenthood is hard and especial hard with your first child. You really have no clue what things are ahead of you!
The never sleeping (ever again in life), being peed on, popped on, bath time screaming, carseat screaming, I don’t like where the sun is in the sky screaming, screaming for no reason at all and boob pain.! Good Lort…the boob pain! Actually all the pain! My body has changing forever. Goodbye waistline, goodbye toned legs and abs, goodbye brain.
This kid is now a teenage. A smelly, dirty, very expensive and at times hard of hearing teenager. I love’em, even smelly. As a teenage he comes with new things…still much like the infant and toddle years but an older version and maybe not as cute. Still eating large amounts of food and is pretty messy about it! He still pees everywhere but has improved, it’s at least in the bathroom and not on me anymore! Tristan still has food on his shirt always. I still clean up after him… probably more than I should!
The improvements, he does now shower on his own… when he showers and can be quite handy when I need someone to take out the trash! Tristan is actually terrible strong too! He can lift or move heavy things around the house and even mows the lawn now! He is helpfully in plenty ways and I am so thankful for that! Plus he makes really good coffee!
He’s the best kid I could ever ask for! Blessed with the best humor, Tristan makes me laugh everyday! Tristan has a fair amount of similarities as me, he love animals and the outdoors. He’s witty and it can comes off as very… very sarcastic. He’s an amazing artist and actually has many talents! Tristan is the kind of smart that the average person wouldn’t understand but like me, he also has trouble believing in himself. I only wish he saw in himself the way that I see him! The way he sees the world is a true gift and I hope he never loses that! Tristan’s an emotional, sensitive and sentimental guy. People that feel that deep have trouble in the world…I know.
Someday he’s going to be the love of some sweet girls life but for now he is mine. He can be bit obsessive like his Dad, just enough that it creates passion in him. The mix of the way he feels the world so deeply and his huge heart, which he gets from his Dad, he’ll be just fine. I have a good one…a smelly one but he’s still pretty awesome!
Where did the time go…
Where did the last 14 years go? What did we do with it? It’s crazy as kids, time seems to drag on forever but once we reach what we thought was going to be “freedom”- our adult life, time passes us by in a blink of an eye. Faster and faster… until one day it’s gone. I want to make the most of the short years we have. It’s gone before we know it.
Tristan
Tristan hold on your young years and enjoy life. Don’t grow up too fast. Enjoy being a kid as long as you can. You’ll have your whole life to work, for now learn to be happy. Find out what’s gonna do that for you. Being a good human is a good place to start and you’ve got that down… don’t lose that deep, caring, old soul of yours.
Always be grateful. Be thankful for the people, the places, the lesson, (yes, even the hard ones), and the memories. Make sure you tell the people you love and appreciate, how much they mean to you. It’s important you don’t assume they already know. Take care of yourself and others. Remember to keep your faith strong, it’ll get you through anything! You’re a very special person and an amazing talent! Believe in yourself, you have so much to offer. I love you so much buddy.
Last Day Of 7th Grade
Forever ago…
Time is all a blur to me now. I get flashes, maybe bits and pieces of lost memories and I feel guilty that I don’t I have clear memories of passed years. To me without pictures it’s as if our lives never happened at all or maybe it’s all a dream. When I really sit back and I think hard, trying to grab a foggy memory, I get a few wispy reminiscences like breeze blowing by and then it’s gone. The only ones that really stick out to me are the ones of the kids and even those without the pictures would cloudy.
There’s full chunks of time I have completely lost and wonder why? Genuinely, I have block some out as protection for myself or the memories fell out, just wasn’t anymore room in my head.
Some of my most important times in life I have very little recollection of at all. Example, my wedding is super spotty in my mind and without the pictures I would only have a select few memories and not all are very good unfortunately. I have one very important moment and it’s possibly the most important one and not too many people know about it.
Then of course there’s the birth of my first child and I’ve told ya’ll about all I remember about that. I left out a few details but that’s about it. I do however have a few sweet memories that I hold close to my heart that others weren’t ables to tainted with their own selfish wants or demands. Those memories are like movies in mind and I will treasure them forever. I won’t let anyone dirty them. I wish I could remember clearly but maybe as I make peace with some pain and stop allowing myself to be hurt the years will come back?
This brings me fast-forward to 2010 and our family of 3 becomes a family of 4 and one black lab.
A wild child…
Last Day Of School For G
Peace Out 2nd Grade CA
I had no idea what kind of free-spirt, wild, handful we were going to get when I became pregnant with my second child. We were about to get a completely different experienced then we had with Tristan… basically everything we thought we knew with Tristan, meant nothing.
Our Family was growing…
In 2010 Gracie…AKA Princess Gigi Buttercup or simply known as G, came in like hurricane and has been rockin’ our world ever since. She didn’t start off that way though, as an infant to about 10 months old; Gracie was a quite and sweet, cuddle baby. I know now she was just taking it all in, waiting for her moment. She was planning…
Do ya’ll remember Jack Jack from the Incredibles when his family finds out about all his crazy new superhero powers? Well, that’s Grace! She’s a sweet, funny, smart, nightmare who will knock you out and do your make-up perfectly. What a beautiful mixtures of wind and rain, night and day, a raging storm and a sunny spring day…that’s my girl. God bless the man she marries.
Once this kid started talking she never stopped and she continues to chatter way to this very day. For almost 9 years now, she’s been waking up early and happy, sing and dancing every single day. Once she got a taste of life, she’s been full blast ever since. I’m not sure the rest of us will be able to keep up with her.
I wanted to really hold on to the baby and toddled years with her for a few reasons. One reason, was I felt like I rushed through those years with my oldest. I had to work like crazy with my oldest and I did all the parenting alone with Tristan, so I really wanted some relief back then.
The other reason and biggest, was the first year of G’s life, I wasn’t there much. I was sick to point I thought I was dying. I was given adrenaline to keep my heart beating. (I’m convinced my own life is killing me slowly) -When I say I was sick, I mean seriously the sickest kind of sick! Hospitalized for weeks at a time for over a year while my little girl was trying to figure out the world. I spent so much time away, unable to bond with my new baby.
When at home I carried around a bag of pee because I had a catheter in, super inconvenience when your also holding a baby. I still had to work during this time too… so as you can imagine I wasn’t love’in life!
Honestly, I have very little recollection of 2010-2012. I’m sure it’s a defense mechanism for me. Even now writing about it I’m getting shaky… Shit, I need to get some therapy.
One things I remember, is doing her hair every single day. Sick or not I did her dark beautiful hair everyday. It may not look it here in these pictures but Grace was born with a head full of beautiful jet black hair and the most perfect tanned skin ever. She was so different then my white, reddish haired Tristan. My favorite thing in the world is brushing her beautiful hair to this day .
Having a strong Mother-Daughter bond is so very important to me. We are not in a competition. We’re not besties. Grace and I are something much greater than that and it’s priceless. I did everything in my power to savor every little moment as a Mom of a little girl and I still do. Every chance I got I did what I could to love her my best. Even though she pushes my buttons like no one else can, she’s a rare diamond and I love that about her. It makes me crazy but I love it!
Lil Mama Gigi
Beach Day sassy face
Working on You Tube
Concert in Simi Valley CA
Love you CA
Jason and Gigi at Dinner in Henderson, NN
Henderson, NV
Super hero
Gracie
My lil mama, Gigi Buttercup otherwise known as “G”- Don’t be tamed little girl, always stay wild but don’t think that means you stop listening or caring for what other people think. This means you stay strong, fearless and gracious, kind, loving and patience. Keep doing the hard work, keep learning, fight hard, and explore farther. Don’t let anyone in this world or others ever tell you that you can’t do all these things. You are meant to do great things and I know this because I see you doing them now. Don’t you ever forgive who you are and the higher power who gave you life. And lastly, when life gets tough…and it will, hit your knees and start praying. The answers you need you’ll find in Him. Love you forever G,
Now this sassy girl 9 years old… going on 21 most days, is closing one book and opening another. I’m so honored to be apart of it. How the days with her have flown by so fast, before I know it she’ll be off to College. Knowing her she’ll be doing something very unconventional and be amazing at it! I can’t believe I held this girl in my arms, a tiny baby and now she’s watching make-up tutorials on how to get winged-eyeliner on fleek or Mind Craft videos.
Time goes by…
As the time goes by and I look through these pictures and try to hold on to some good memories, I can’t help be forced to hold on a little tighter to the present. Yesterday is already gone. Did I use it right and purposeful at all?
Chances are I did not. I’ve spent the last 2 years and 6 months starving for a feeling. A feeling that I’m not even sure I can fully put in to words. I’ve been spending too much time in regrets and wishing so badly I would have done more or at least something different “back then”- We all probably could have done better when we look back at our lives but I am spending far to much time there in the back on my head.
The last few months I have tried to be a bit more mindful of what others are saying around me. I have heard very clearly what’s being said. Some of it’s hurtful, mean, sad and even contradicting but I understand it all. What I find so compelling is we’re not that different in what we feel, what we say and what we don’t say.
The whole time we’ve been desperately missing… no, needing the same things; that feeling of life we couldn’t put a name to (but we need to name it). All of us have felt alone, abandoned, uncared for and even hated at times. There’s a need to have stability and making a real home, a home that is ours and we can grow in. With friends and family to be close, a place we belong and won’t have to leave or ever want too. Freedom to make some decision in our own lives without feeling dictated and trapped. We need to feel safe and sound again, happy and joyful. We don’t feel like us anymore because we aren’t us.
The routines of morning coffee outside on Saturday morning, Church and family dinners, Poppy’s smoked Wings! All unplanned family get-togethers, the random calls from Grandma Meg, “Let’s go grazin’ Guys” (code for I’m hungry). Sunday Bronco games and chili in the crock pot in our home! Jason and I miss our Friday night FireBall shot “to a week well done” and a few cold beers as a bonuses on the patio!
Life wasn’t easier then but it wasn’t a mystery either. Of course there were still some up hill battles for sure but we weren’t doing life alone. And whatever this un-named thing is that makes it worth it, well we had… We don’t have it now. Sadly, we wished that life away and we’re paying for it now. That’s a hard painful pill to swallow.
The never knowing and loneliness too much.
Not for nothing…
As painful as this time has been and as mentally jacked up as I am from it, I’ve earned some valuable lessons from it all because this writing thing really is process for me and it help me untie the knot in my mind. Of course, I hate that we had to learn any of this but I hope that possibly going through this and still currently living it- that in away my kids will learn something too and do better from it. Maybe then they can skip these hard life lesson and just move on to the good stuff.
The lessons for me here are- Be so eternally and utterly thankful for what and who I have in my life that I can’t ever speak one bad word about them because the truth is life can change in a second.
Presence in the moments and living more purposeful. Once upon a time in my life I was able to practiced this like a pro! I lived it well back then but now I’m not so sure how or when I felt off. But this is something that I need to do better for myself and I need to do better modeling this for others. As I am seeing now these moments as fleeting and I don’t want to look back in anymore regret.
Love hard, I don’t think I have really have loved much of anything for awhile but I have always loved my husband and my kids. However, I haven’t been every lovable. Because of this I’ve had the hardest time praying and reconnecting to God. The most important command that God gives us is to LOVE above everything and I haven’t done this well. I haven’t love even myself well or how could I possible show love to others.
**I didn’t actually do this blog on purpose, it just happened. Putting a close to this school year had me really going through all these past years and realizing how fast they have disappeared. Sure, I have a few not so great memories in the past but now focusing on the good ones made me have me wanting more of them.
smiling always
L.O.V.E
Beach Ca with G
Simi Valley CA concert
MN besties
Ok..G that’s not a rock and it can’t come with us… no
Jason and the kids @ Oxnard beach, CA
While out Looking for a sweet place we celebrated National Pizza Day @ Toppers Pizza
Aaron being the best doggy sitter ever!
sweetest friend
Tristan’s 13th birthday
Aaron & Katie The Coolest
One of our last nights together in MN @ The Junk Yard
Some times you just get lucky! Reese and Gigi really did!
North Dakota Adventures
Boston
My One solo trip to CO
Sofia and me
Father’s day surprise trip CO
Jess and me Sisters
Best trip ever WA
Newbury Park, California enjoying the pool in our temp-housing pool
Itasca State Park, MN
Itasca Stata Park, MN
Itasca State Park, MN
Oxnard, California
Oxnard, CA
Oxnard, CA
Finally had made it CA
Tristan and me finally enjoying some dinner some of the Mexican Food ever in Nevada
Jason and Gigi at Dinner in Henderson, NN
Dillion Lake, Colorado
Tristan and his Buddy, Dozer leaner to skip rocks on the lake. Dillion Lake, CO
Stretching the legs
Wesley, Tristan and Gigi Lakewood, Colorado
Meeting Aunt Jessie for breakfast in Lakewood,CO before hitting the road for CA
Visiting My some of my very favorite people on this earth my Wray/Magruder Fam in Wray, Colorado
Sleepy dog
A boy and his dog
After along and terrible day of having the mover/ packing people at our housing (destroying) out things this is us…perfectly…my poor sweet babies.
Gigi and I hanging out…being us
Tristan and Aunt FIsha ( my sister Melissa) In Boston, MA 2015
One of the best trips/ camping adventures we ever went on! South Dakota 2016
This was our house in Moorhead, MN
DL to Locals otherwise known as Detroit Lakes, ND
Gigi, DL North Dakota
DL, North Dakota Tristan and Jason Shoreside grill
Itasca State Park, MN Tristan And Gigi 2017 trying to not get eaten alive by mosquitoes
Me and my lil dude in Colorado…my last day at my perfect job. PEPEC in Park, CO. I miss that!
Thanks for reading through and taking the time. Life is a process and I sure am going through mine!
In the last 2 years I’ve experienced somethings that have really changed my laugh and broken my smile…literally! Thank you Bell’s Palsy!
The amount of change, worry, fear, loneliness and control over every decision made over my life has really crippled me. I hate the person I have become. Never in a million years did I think I would end up this way. I have really confused love.
I’m not sure what’s best for me anymore and that’s a scary thing. I’ve been so isolated and drugged quite frankly that allowing someone to pull the strings has been easy. You don’t realize it’s even happening because every word I eat up and it’s so easy to spin a web in my head. It’s sadly so effortless for me to let challenges go or take the blame, feel the guilt.
Let’s be honest my mental state has been weak for some time now. I have basically disappeared in my life and in my families life in most ways. Sure I take up space and they need me to do things for them. God knows they would starve without me. I’m here to lend an ear and I enjoy our conversations. My sisters always manage to get a laugh out of me here and there. But just because I’m alive doesn’t mean I’m living. I’m not and haven’t been.
6 months
The last 6 months may have been the worse yet. The only time in my life since high school that I have thought it’d be fine if I was dead. It’s terrifying when you are able to convince yourself that the world will be fine without. Someone will take over and handle your position. I was okay with, it was weird like I came to peace with it. For awhile when these thought would creep in my head I’d cry and get real sad but after awhile I’d think, “What will be, will be.” and I just didn’t care anymore.
I can honestly say the lack of love and care that I have received, along with not having the ability to control anything over my life has made me stop caring about my life at all. It’s like I’m walk around in a very bad dream but other times ( and most of the time ) I feel like I’m watching myself in someone else’s dream.
1 1/2 month
Now, I have had some tiny sparks of life here and there in the last month or so. Like a dead person being brought back to life but not fully. Maybe it’s going to be a process after being part of the walking-dead for long.
I have started to talk a little more and conversations about important topics are now happening, which is why it makes me absolutely insane when I’m told I’m not talking and/or my words start to get turned around or used against me.
I’m making good progress here but I see that door still. It’s just over my shoulder and I look at it often, it’s not far away. I could walk through it at anytime, shut down and go away and stop all this if I wanted to. That’s something I could do. They don’t know what it takes for me every second not to.
Sometimes I feel like I’m be taunted.
There are times I find myself crawling back into bed but only for a moment. I just need to give my mind a little break. Break from the needs and wants of everyone. I can’t do much for myself but I can go lay down for just minute. I can give myself that.
Sure, it pisses everyone off because they want me up and doing things for them or at the very less giving them my attention. “Give me a freaking second!”, I yell and then they do but my made to feel the worse Mom ever for it… usually. Being mental disabled is exhausting.
However, I’ve been better about trying to keep the laundry up and the house mostly clean. I read to my kids just about daily and have taken them to the library a few times now ( outings were hard before ). Making dinner and planning ahead has been easier to do most the time. I have my moments but I get it done.
To all of you this may sound obvious… may be not a big achievement. If I read this earlier in my life I would have thought this person was pretty pitiful, “You can’t cook dinner and you’re able to now read to your kids?” What the hell is up with that? I know it’s crazy but I’m not who I was and every month, every day, I’m a new person and I’m fighting a new and terrible freaking struggle that I never imagined.
Now and Moving Forward
As you saw at the top of this post there’s a music video by the artist/musician NF www.nfrealmusic.com
I like all music and I’ve written about that before, though rap isn’t everyones cup of tea I understand. However, I have a weird connect with NFs’ work it seems. Maybe we are just both really messed up people wanting to not be and he just happens to be far better at words than I am.
I listen to each word, each song and I think YES! That’s what I’m feeling but I didn’t know how to say it or how to explain it to someone else. His music has been good for me to share to help explain how I feel but also to be better.
You should smile more. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you talk to me?
When you’ve been down that road so many times…you know your words evaporate into air, no ones really hearing you. It’s been hard for me to explain myself because I really want someone to talk to me, not at me. I want someone to care but not dictate my every move. And for F-sakes, sometimes I’m not thinking anything…I’m just being. Please forgive me if a genuine smile doesn’t come easy anymore. I’m a broken person.
The thing I have found as I battle, is we are all a little broken. Some are better at hiding it, others moving pass it and heal it, then theres me. I’m like waves in the ocean. One minute I feel like I’m healed…my brokenness is mended but then the next I’m a raging storm. I can move mountain, destroy buildings, reck my very soul and then theres this very creepy and eerie stillness that comes…I know this stage all to well and this part of me is probably the most dangerous time for me.
I’m distant, silent and still, as if I don’t exist at all. You’re not sure if the storm has moved on and the sun will soon come out or if round two will rear it’s ugly head. This non-movement can go on for weeks, months…my mind is busy convincing me that this is what it’s like without you… I don’t need to be here…. walk through that door… just go and end this pain.
At that point I am basically dead, a lifeless corpus just going through the motions but just hardly. I’m waiting for it to end…hoping God will just jerk the wheel because I’m too scared to do it myself. There’s still apart of me that wants to live and even misses that feeling of joy. I’m sure after awhile of my miserable lethargic disappearance that the “living” people around me start wishing for the storm to return, at least than you’d know I’m alive and fighting for something. I start wishing for it too.
As of now and the last few weeks I’ve been praying and reconnecting spiritual. I never realize how hard it’s be to reconnect to God after being so far away from Him. I’ve always had a very strong faith even in the hardest of times. I can’t put my finger on why things have slipped away….why I have slipped away. I guess it way so gradual that I didn’t see the distant until I was so far away that I couldn’t see Him, feel Him and I didn’t think of my spiritual life at all.
The last thing I want to be is a person who only calls on God in a crisis. I can’t deny I’m in a crisis and I’m calling on Him… a lot. I’m rebuilding that relationship and trying to find my place again. I guess if being in the totally nightmare was Gods way of shaking the shit out of me and wake me up then I’m glad for it. Don’t get me wrong…I’m done with this lesson…I don’t want to learn anything else.
Baby steps it is. I’m slowly gaining my confidence back and trying to take my life back. I know in this process I may have to make some hard calls but I’m willing to do it. No one said this was going to easy and I wasn’t going to be uncomfortable trying to figure this out but it’s a means to an end. I have to aim at something, Arise and go! The wondering and being lost is over. I want to have some control and have peace.
My faith was shaken and maybe even gone…defiantly on pause. That needs to be reignited for sure and number one. The rest will come and I am getting it in order. I am, I promise.
Living arrangements, I’ll be totally truthful… you all know about as much as I do on that. I could be sleeping in my truck…hell I don’t know. But I do have some choices to make. There’s a few other things that need to happen first before that can be talked about.
When the conversation happens I need to stay calm…I need to stop crying.
My marriage…well it’s comes and goes. We both want it to be good and we have love for each other so that something. But the sweet unstoppable friendship we had. That wittiness and closeness that no one could break… It’s not there. I have hope we’ll get that back and that this stress of life has just weighted us down and broke us sadly. As we lighten our burdens and move forward things will get better and we remember the way we were maybe it will be better, stronger. I only hope.
Lastly, I want to include one other NF video that really hit me. I don’t want to just walk through this life asleep, numb and waiting for my real death. I want to live and love to my real potential and stop letting anyone hold me back from that.
I’m just writing to y’all just like the old days 😉
I know that I’ve been kind of throwing up 🤮on y’all lately. My vibe has not been the best. 💔
I’m so appreciative to have this outlet. Writing has always been a good way for me to get things off my chest and out of my head.🔏🔓
Sometimes things are just so confusing that I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Writing has been a great way for me to process issues. Honestly, it can makes things more confusing at times.😔 Other times it’s a way to release the pain. I need that.
I always enjoy hearing back from y’all! I want to know what you 🤔 think! The encouragement and perspective has really helped me! I don’t feel as alone.
I know not everybody feels that way…not everybody wants me to write about what’s going on in my life or how I feel! Who can blame them! We’re dealing with some ugly stuff and I’m not living this life by myself. I do usually try to be discreet. But sometimes I just can’t.
The fact of the matter is I have a lot of regrets. I want to take them as lesson and do better in the future. That’s really hard when you’re living in the eye of the storm. It truly sucks.
Not on the same page and bad communication, nothing is matching up. It’s a consistent uphill battle.
I can want to do better all day long… want a change! But you can’t plant a seed in crappy soil and expect anything to grow.
You could water it…you could give it sunshine! But if it’s dead soil… there’s no nutrition in it than it doesn’t fucking matter; nothing will come of it. Ever.
I’m not saying not to try. I’m not saying don’t be scrappy and do what you gotta do to get by. No, what I’m just saying is sometimes your plans might change. You might to be to plant somewhere else.
Priorities have to change. It’s not all about what The Company wants! I mean… what is the struggle for? We unhappy 🙁 It can’t be all about the money 💴 There’s more to life than that.
The picture is so much bigger. It’s about something different. Something so much more important. I can’t find it here. No one will ever find it here because it doesn’t exist.
And you can’t force this kind of thing. Make yourself believe this is what God wants for you. Your true destiny….your fate. Maybe that seems silly but there is a difference and you life is changed and your see every differently when your walking God’s path… not your path. We’re lost right now. I can’t see shit from here.
I think that we used to have it. I was tuned in and hearing clearly. I was focused. I would have NEVER allowed myself to live the way I am now. Never. I let him put my spark ⚡️out. Once we had a good thing. It was bigger than a house, it was better than fancy cars and no money could ever buy it.
I want that again. But it is not here. This place is absent of that. We are absent of that.
So I don’t care about moving up in a company! I don’t give a shit about lateral moves. All I care about is our souls at this point and mine is fucking sad….mine isn’t the only one that I’m worried about. That’s my only priority. I want to be found.
Greed, money, cars, big houses, fancy clothes and exotic vacations… how could we ever forget about the crazy amount of material bullshit… that’s the God that we serve. Welcome to my new home.
We welcome everyone as long as it’s NOT IN MY BACKYARD…that’s our motto!
Lord, helps us.
So I’m sorry that I’ve been in such a bad place but I’m surrounded by it everyday.
I know that everyone can’t possibly be this way. I’ve met a few nice people here. My coworkers are pretty awesome 😎 I try to focus on the good I found in them. Believe it or not this is me focusing on the good because if I didn’t have at least this…I don’t know what I would do. I’m already bubbling over, my chest feels like I’m having a freaking heart attack every day.
I watched a very shitty women refused to help an elderly lady at the gas pump yesterday and it blew my freaking mind!I wanted to punch her in the throat! Who the hell does she think she is! My mind was blown… I just don’t live in that world. Do you not respect your elders? I wish I would have been closer to help this lady.
I see this kind of disrespect and complete disregard for other human beings every single day. It’s eating at me.
Now I was terrible yesterday too because when I got the chance to finally see this disgusting person, I went off on this chick! She just drove away….you awful miserable cow! I’m still pissed.
Maybe I shouldn’t of said anything, who knows why she decided to be a terrible person. I wasn’t raise that way at all! Honestly, I would have got my ass kicked for acting that way by my parents. You never treat your elders that way!
Always help out if you can, hold the doors and be freaking respectful, have some common sense, it’s not that hard! Treat people like human beings and don’t act like you matter more than someone else because guess what, you don’t!
I’m gonna stop this rambling for now and just apologize for being in such a miserable 😩 place. I don’t like it here either and I’m sure you guys are tired of reading about it.
I really need to change the momentum and I need to be that change. I’m gonna try to do better.
If you believe in this sort of thing or whatever you believe…I’m just asking for some prayers, whichever way you do that. Lord knows I have a lot working against me here.
For more “Meaningful Words To Me” quotes for to my Pinterest page above
To my fellow writing community that messages me…Thanks for being so supportive. It means so much to me. Ya’ll have no idea. You’re getting me through. 🤟🏽
