Clear Eyes

And I think to myself… what a wonderful world 🌎

If I want my world to be 💕

My voice doesn’t need to be the loudest🌊

To changes Hearts ♥️ & move mountains 🏔

Remembering who I am & who God has Called me to be 🙏🏼

Listening to the inner voice ♥️ to direct & give me strength 💪🏽

Sometimes I’m shaken & broken 💔 but only to wipe away dirt from my eyes 👀

My vision is restored & heart ❤️ is back in place 🙏🏼

I see truth for what it is and I am at peace ✌🏽

xoxo sk

Don’t let me fall

Don’t let me fall

Don’t let me fall

Reach for me in the dark

Let me know your here

Don’t let me fall

I’m still real close to edge

Steady me when I’m unbalanced

Don’t let me fall

Reassure me I’m not alone in this fight

Remind me who you are

Don’t let me fall

Be my breath when I can’t breathe

Be my quiet when it’s too loud

Don’t let me fall

Be my calming place when I’m lost in the storm

Be my strength when I’m too weak

Don’t let me fall

Save me when I can’t save myself

Protect me when I hurt

Don’t let me fall

Make me believe the things that I lost hope in

Make the hard decision that hurt but are right

I’m waiting on you…

Xoxo sk

Dog Backwards Spells God

All Because I Had To Pee…

All because I had to pee so bad my plans had a bit of a delayed and thank God they did!

Because God delayed me this day and made every bathroom near my workout spot closed, I had to get in my truck and drive to Albertsons to use the restroom and of course while I was there my ADD kicked in…

I had to buy a huge bag of avocado, face wash, a toothbrush, more coffee and a large water. I’m so random.

After all that and an empty bladder, I could finally head to the park to workout. Or so I thought….

Meet Dallas & God At Work

So this a photo from Pinterest but does look like my new friend, Dallas!

As I’m driving down the street, I see the most terrified 100 pound, beautiful dog that I’ve ever seen. I thought to myself this dog has to belong to someone, no one would let this poor baby go free on purpose!

I slowed way down and drove slowly next to him. I could see this scared pup was trying to get into the gated neighborhood but couldn’t. Every time a loud, fast car or school bus would fly by, would start to panic and head into street. I just drove slow next to him for a bit which was good because he crossed into the street and I would block other cars from hitting him.

Finally as we approach the intersection, I couldn’t wait anymore and I jumped out of my truck to go to him. “Come here baby”, I would call to him and at first he didn’t seen sure but after a few seconds he made his way over to me and let me pet him. What a sweetie! But he was so scared, trembling actually.

I know it may be hard to imagine this huge 100 pound dog being so frightened but in my experience it usually is the big Dogs that are the gentle, sweet, mellow, big cry babies. It’s the small Dogs who are pure piss and vinegar and want to fight! They pack a big punch in their little bodies!

Back to Dallas…now, I wanted to get him in my truck. I didn’t know what I’d do at the point but I knew he wouldn’t get hit by car there or more lost then he was! But as I tried to move his large body closer to my truck he put on the breaks… um HELL NO… DOGNAPPER! Ok dude, I’m think what to I do… then a loud trucks blow by us to let me know how inconveniencing it is that my truck is parked on the side of the road. ( You showed me…Ass.) This caused Dallas to freaks out and started to jog down towards the intersection!

Crap! Crap! Crap! I was thinking this is bad, he’s going to get hit! This good thing was this big guy knew that he lived in this gated community and he was trying desperately to get back in! The loud cars just would cause hit to panic and lose track of where he was and what he was doing. I think if he wasn’t so scared, he’d made it home.

I found him again trying to get in a side gate. Awe, poor dude!

I again jumped out and he comes to me right away but when I move towards my truck, he basically told me to bug off and he took off.

Damnit! Okay new plan… I’ll stay with him.

He didn’t go far I could see him. I drove up the road more and could see he was now trying to find away through the fence. I again jumped out of my truck and could see he was already on the move. So I just left my door open, keys in the truck and my phone… oops forgot it…I know… what a dumbass!

I walked over to him and then sat on the sidewalk and called over to him. At first he was definitely not going to give me another chance but then the cars were really letting me know how mad they were because my truck doors wide open! This really scared him and he practically jumped into arms. Oh a thank Jesus!

Now slowly…slowly….very slowly we clawed to the driver side of my truck. This took awhile to do, I had to keep talking to Dallas and petting him and letting him know I wasn’t Dognap him! “Please come a little close dude… come on… a little more buddy….”

I stretched a crossed my front seat with one arm while holding tight Dallas collar with the other arm and praying no one would hit us! I reached for my keys and turned my truck off and reached a little farther and got my phone!

Okay! We did it!!! Good boy!!! Then we hurried to sidewalk again and I called the first number on the collar, no answer. I called again, leaving a message telling this person that I had this person Dog. Then I called the second number and did the same thing.

I think it’s important to mention here that I have a different area code then the state that I live in so that’s why they didn’t answer.

I just called and called and called. It felt like 100 times. Dallas and just chilled there on the sidewalk. I grab that large bottle of water I just bought and got him some and it was all gone in a matter of seconds. Our big boy had calmed down soooo much now. I almost had him laying down at one point… then a loud car would go by.

At last!!!! My phone call was answered! I said um, hi… I think I have your Dog. We’re here on the side of the road.

The voice on the other line is panicked “OH MY GOD, IS HE OK!!”

“Yes, He’s good!” …….

Oh sweet Dallas….

After Dallas mom, who I now know as Suzanne, picked up her sweet giant, she called me to explained what had happened. Of course she didn’t need to tell me any of this. I was just so thankful Dallas was with his family now. How often that doesn’t end this way.

Suzanne had so much happening her house and it was about to be power washed. When the generator scared her sweet timid boy which scared him to look for safety by tying to get away from the scary sound… and ended up lost on the other side of the gate.

It’s fine I told her, even after she told me to me I could call her for anything I might need living in this new place. That’s super kind but seriously it’s totally fine, I said over and over. But God makes things work sooo perfectly….

New Hair, DO care!!

Later that night I get a text:

Wow! I really didn’t want to give her the nightmare that is my hair! But she insisted and for free! This is all too much! I didn’t deserve this! I would stop for any and all dogs that I see anywhere. I honestly feel guilty receiving anything for doing something that’s RIGHT.

God’s plans

Y’all know this could not have came at a more needed time in my life.

I’m trying to get my life in order, physically, emotionally, mentally… all around. It’s something I’ve been kinda at war with.

On top of that! I’ve not met too many nice people here at all! This was truly amazing and so kind! Unnecessary but still amazingly generous. Meeting her hair assistant the day I actually got my hair done was one more sweet, genuine person here in California 🧡

Plus, I don’t have many friends really at all and although I can’t say we’re “friends” I do know one more person than I knew before if I have a question about this crazy beautiful place than I knew before and for that I am beyond thankful!

She even invited me and my family to her church. How sweet!

I haven’t felt great with all these moves and not being able to see my family. My health has sucked and to be frank… I’ve been lonely, closed off and unheard.

I’ve only had my dogs through all this. Sure I have my kids but most they have ME. I don’t leave them. But through all this I have no one but my dogs and they have been amazing for me. I hate to admit it but There’s have been times I have felt like even God has looked the other way.

So much has happened. They say it isn’t until you have some distance… sometime to look back to see God’s works that you get to see the big big picture, all His planning. You can see why the pain was there and why you had to go through somethings or leave someone or some place. There’s a lesson in the hurt. If you listen and you trust, faith, I guess… if you let it all flow then the plans of God’s Will for your life will be better than what you ever could have pictures or wanted or even thought for yourself in any of your wildest dreams.

I never thought I’d even like California and I’m finding myself calling these mountains “my” mountains and the ocean is “my” ocean. This place is hard to live in but somehow I’m living here. Not surviving… living… exploring and trying new things and enjoy it.

Sadness happens and I get frustrated at times …who doesn’t. My humanness will never stop.

I’m just happy right now and I’m embracing that and doing everything I can to live everyday that I got loving my sweet animals, my family, the relationships in my life and this amazing place I call home!

xoxo sk

Table for one

I’m sitting here at Denny’s by myself and I’m good with!

It’s different, feeling alone and actually being alone.

Being alone on Purpose is interesting.

I’m taking everything in around. I wondering if I seem weird or sad to others, if they even notice me at all?

I see a group of old retired men. They are having many different conversations within their group.

I can’t help but wonder if one day I might be so blessed to have a group of my own to reminisce with one day.

There’s a few tables of moms with small children. They’re doing their best to keep their littles happy, cutting up pancakes and wiping faces. There is one table that I see with a Mom and a Dad. They have two young children, both under 3. That table is a mess! God bless you parent for even attempting this!

Then there’s the professionals… totally here to discuss work or maybe complain. They look miserable. Maybe it’s just me and my Extreme dislike for suits!

There’s also one large table tucked in the back with what looks like college age boys. I says boys because I see skinny jeans and perfectly under touched white Keds. How sweet.

I only see one table with a couple in here and there’re ignoring each other. Maybe I shouldn’t be so annoyed when this happens to me. Maybe this is just marriage.

Now for others like me.

I’m surprised how many table for one that I see. At least 6 tables have just one person, sitting by themselves. However, I am the only female…. holy cow! Correction another women just walked in and looks to be alone, like me!

She much older, maybe in her 60s. But funny thing, we’re dressed the same! Sweatpants and a t-shit. Our hair is up in a ponytail and we both are wearing glass. She’s opened a book and has started to read… I writing! Damn! Is this my future self? At least she looks content.

I think this experience. Is good for me. I get to take my time eating and just observed!

I can sit wherever the hell I want. Normal my daughter declares before we even open the door that I WILL sit next to her and I always end up next to the wall. I always have to take her to the bathroom several times throughout our meal. That’s all just annoying, since rarely does she ever actually have to go to the bathroom!

I end up eating so fast that I always feel sick afterwards! I have to be done and ready to go when my husband says “let’s go”! Maybe this is better for me every now and then.

New experience. It’s definitely different but good for me.

Xoxo sk

Who Am I Anymore

“Why am I a person?” My daughter ask. “God decided that you needed to be this person, just who you are”, I answered back. “Why did He not make me a dog or a table or someone else?” “Why am I Grace?” “Because there was already plenty of sassy puppies and no table could embrace all that attitude you have and no one else could be as unique as you are because there truly could only be one Gigi.  “mmm…I guess you’re right!” She says ” I do like me.”

 

 

Where did I fall off? Where did I go wrong? Don’t get me wrong…I am proud to have a daughter that loves herself and is kind and fierce at the same time. She is awesome inside and outside! I am truly blessed by the joy she brings into my life. I don’t want to sound blind to that. I am greatly blessed for both my children. Lord knows where I would be right now without them. They seriously are my entire world. And because I want them to have a WHOLE, healthy mom I want to be better. I want to be better for longer. They deserve that.

So how did I fall off. It’s pretty clear I dislike myself and I don’t believe I am good at much. How in the hell did I get this way? I have no confidence at all. It sucks feeling this way. I don’t even trust myself anymore to make good choices. Every choice I make is to better our life and my life, yet it feels like a slow motion mess. I feel like I am moving through a swap of thick mud.

I don’t always feel sad. I wouldn’t even say that I am deeply depressed anymore as much as I am just underwhelmed with my life. I feel stagnant. I am not doing anything but I am trying. I am trying. Am I not trying the right things? Am I not working hard enough? Maybe I am not cut out to do more than just… this…

I have my business JOY on Purpose Essentials and that’s going nowhere fast. I have zero support from friends or family but I don’t blame them… it’s not for everyone. I just thought I would be farther along by now. It’s super disappointing.

I’ve also realized that I really started this blog as a release for myself. I hoped I would connect to others more than I have but it’s okay because I love writing and sharing. It sucks that no one really wants to read my blog. Either way, I still get to write and share and that’s the point. I still I can’t help but wish I had more people interested in it. I love reading everyone’s blogs, articles, books, novels, short stories, poems…I still get to do that even if people don’t enjoy mine.  I’m going to have to be okay with that.

I guess I just wish I was better at my life. My business for starts… I believe in it so much. I have such a passion for these oils and what they have done for me. My health has gotten so much better. I still look like crap in my eyes but I feel a thousand times better. I know it doesn’t sound like I’m doing better because I am throwing a pretty good pity party right now for myself! But honestly, I was a huge wreck on all those meds. If I could only go back in time and make a different choice I would! I so would!

Maybe I just wish the results of all the hard work I have done  would have some good physical pay off! I know that’s pretty shameless of me. How vain! The thing is, I just don’t recognize myself anymore. When I see myself in the mirror I don’t know who that person is looking back at me and I don’t like her too much!  I mean…she’s okay I guess.

I know am a good mom. I take really good care of my kids. They have awesome lives and that’s because I make sure of it. Even if they get mad at me sometimes, it’s okay because I am raising really good humans. So I have that. I am a good mom.

The space I am in right now is hard to grasp. I feel ugly and unsuccessful basically. No one can help with any of this. It’s all on me.

My looks… I don’t know what else to do? I feel like I have done everything I can on my own. I know my doctor would like to send me to another doctor and do a bunch of test and tell me I’m depressed…here’s some meds and a big fat bill…no thanks. I’m so trapped right now.

My un/success.. I have been totally confused for the last year about what I want and maybe that because of this move and this new way of life for me. As a teacher back in Colorado I was able to be a great mom and wife really well. When I needed to be with  my family or do the mommy thing, I could do that. I missed some school parties but for the most part I was always able to balance being a working mom well. And even some time manage a personal life. After all  I made my own money and I had my own friends. But now I never have any freedom…ever. I’m a mom with even a husband around to babysit.  At one time I had something that was mine and I did it all well. What do I have now beside tons and tons a loneliness and emptiness?

Sometime I wonder if Gods purpose for me is not be a leader. Maybe I won’t ever have a big successful business or a popular blog. I won’t ever be the person who’s suppose to be fit and trim or even just fit in. Maybe my purpose will always be a supportive role, a fixture in the back ground.

I support my child and guide them. I support my husband and do my best to make our life as “cared for” as possible. I support my family and “whatever” they might be going through (at the moment) but I just listen and keep my supportive role. Same with my friends, and it was always this way in the work place as well. Support, support, support! Maybe I need to stop trying to be a leader and know my place.

Is being the supportive person really that bad? I’ve never fully embraced it before. Part of me want to reject it with every fiber inside me. I’m almost resentful of it because who is supporting me?

If I want something different I have to do something different, right? But as for now maybr I do just EMBRACE…embrace my supportive role. Why does that feel so wrong? Why does this feel like a life sentence?

 

xoxo sk

Changing Your Mind

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Expressing Gratitude

The art of being truly Grateful. The unique ability to find the good in everything and being able to feel real joy in even the smallest of moments. It’s living a happy life with abundance to be and inspire joy, peace, love and positive light in others. It’s also very important to remember that Gratitude is also being able to express a deep and meaning appreciation for the people in our life.

Being Thankful is different than having Gratitude

Gratitude is a state of being. It’s the very way you live and your ability to see everything in a place of peace and excepting deep love and appreciation for life itself. It’s the very fiber of your minds thoughts. It’s far more than words. People who live a life of Gratitude, live with a positive attitude and tend to not squander their blessings. They live with intention but are not boastful, if anything they are very humble.

*TIP-  Focusing on the positive will help you to remember what it is that you are grateful for. Gratitude will be become a habit the more you do this on PURPOSE daily! This can be a writing activity, you can do this in your meditation, devotion/prayer time. Practice makes habits!  

Being Thankful is an act we do. It’s a gesture we make out of respect. We are thankful for things, a moment or pay raise for example but what makes it become Gratitude is when our thankfulness becomes so deep that it’s spiritual. It’s life changing, it moves us to a higher level of awareness. The love, joy, passion, peace, everything that makes your life yours has changed because of it. Thankful is to small of word for that friends, you have humbly and deeply found yourself in the state of Gratitude.

 

Who In Your Life Needs a Reminder?

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When you get uses to a person, day in and day out, it’s easy to forget why you chose them to began with. They become like… an end table.. okay maybe more than a table, more like a reliable Golden Retriever!

Your partner does not want to become your pet… your loyal stead fast companion. I don’t. They need to know that they are truly cared for. People in our life need to know and feel that they are deeply loved and we’re grateful for them. In my opinion, this is just as important as communication. You could talk all day but if you don’t feel your partner has gratitude for you…this will just fester into a bigger nastier mess.  Imagine how bitter you will become. You don’t want that and you shouldn’t want that for your partner or anyone you care for.

Same goes for our friends, our children, our co-workers, close family members. We need to make sure we tell the people that we have deep Gratitude for how grateful we are for them!

I have Gratitude even when…

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When every time you turn on the news it’s another heartbreaking, frustrating story or you open the mail box and there are more people ready to take your hard earned money then there are checks to cash, remember this… YOU more than your circumstances.  You are LOVED!  You have a talent that the world needs. You contribute more good than anything. Believe it, then do it. You are a writer, your words! Your blog… that’s one way. You care for your families. You pray for people in your circle, your neighbors, the world and the world needs it. You get people thinking! You share your story, your love, your light and it changes people… even if you never get any credit for it. Your’re a friend. Someone counts on you to make them laugh, lift them up, feed them, clothe them, hug them, listen to them. You always answer the phone for them. You are someones person.

Maybe we should spend a little less time taking everyone inventory and tell them how great they are. How much we love them. How much we need them in our life and just how very grateful we are to know them! Maybe it’s time we share our state of Gratitude with others.

>Side note>>> I watched a very moving video the other day. I connected to The Man right away. He had grown up in a stressful household with a Father who taught him all about hard work. He never got to be playful, laugh and even be in a carefree moment with his Father. The only interaction The Man ever had with was working and doing chores with his Father. The Man grew up and kept working hard but all he ever really wanted was his Fathers LOVE, his expectance and Gratitude. Even as The Man’s Father lay on his death bed and The Man had taken care of his Father in every way his Father still had no kind words for his son. The man was heartbroken. The Man had hit rock bottom. The Man lost all his wealth, lost his family, and was evicted from his home. He had nothing. He finally picked himself back up and started to do real-estate. The Man was good at this. He found himself a Mentor. The Mentor saw him one night working very late, so he walked into The Man’s office and said “You know, you have really great work ethic.” The Man looked up and was shocked! The Mentor said to The Man “You are so smart and you work so hard”.  And again The Man looked at his Mentor confused…The Man had never had anyone say a kind, encouraging word to him before. The Man explained to his Mentor how he was feeling and that’s when his Mentor told him that it was time to rewire his brain. He had been taught hard work but not encouragement or love…he had never felt gratitude. He had shitty wiring. So The Man was asked by his Mentor who is someone he looked up to. The Man said Clint Eastwood because he’s tough and rugged. So the Mentor told The Man from now on you’re going to say over and over like crazy that you’re tough and rugged! So that night as The Man drove home he was pumped and ready to change the wiring in his brain. He said “I’m tough and rugged” over and over and he began to grow in his confidence. Then The Man upped his game and I said “I’m the best Real-estate agent of all time” and The Man said this over and over and then The Man words became reality. The Real-Estate Company The Man had worked for, he bought because he had beaten records over and over.

The point here is two things… OUR WORDS MATTER… our words that we say to each other, to our kids and MOST importantly to ourselves matter. Feed yourself with kindness, faith and encouragement. That will grow into an amazing love that you can then share with everyone else.

And  secondly we can change our minds. We have the power to be the person we want to be. You want to be the outgoing, funny, social friend…but you are caring and owning the label that you are shy, awkward and quite.  You don’t have to do that. You can be who you want to be.

I love that we are more than the labels. We can change our minds and rewire our minds.

Lost Not Yet Found

Man feeling freedom on open sea

Lost Not Found

I don’t know. I feel like I am aching for something that doesn’t exist. I am missing some apart of myself. I miss a place that I have never been but yet, I know this place well. It’s my comfort and security. It’s familiar to me somehow. I feel safe there, complete. I am a complicated, confused, misunderstood, an unnoticed wanderer. People assume to know who I am. They don’t, not really. I am simple and quite but my words spark, they are quick and sharp. I am a raging storm of chaos and sleepless nights. I am many things all at once. I am the sunlight in the morning and the still cool darkness in the middle of night. I am the one sitting in the corner watching the people at the party . I am tears in my closet to release my pain, a dream hunter to understand my subconscious, a child of God who is forgiven, a stranger to this planet, a writer looking for lost words, a scared mom, a lonely wife; who knows it’s all her fault, a desperate friend looking for a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on. I am more than I even know. I am like the air, invisible but necessary. I have the ability to accomplish anything I put my heart and soul into, right? I want to believe that but I am weary, my bones hurt, my heart is tired and my eyes burn. I have fear and it has me. I am strong and weak all at once. I absorb people’s feelings like a sponge.  Their moods, happy, sad, frustrated, annoyed. I may be joy then without notice, I may be rain. The people in my world change my world and have the ability to calm the storm inside me or make it rage on like you have never seen. The world has a strong effect on me weather I want it to or not. I want to have peace. The world does not. I have a fierce need to be loved and excepted by people. But people are fickle. Loyalties changing so frequently. Your feelings are deceitful. They will mislead you to believe things that aren’t true. Where is reality? Do I even want to be there? Is it safer for me to hide here in my head. Or is that where the madness is? What will it be like to see the light after being here with my eyes closed for so long? I am eager for the sting in my eyes to really to see the light for the first time. I know what the world has for me and it isn’t the sweet breezy watercolors I wish for. Can I stand long enough? Will I have the ability to stand my ground. This time will I open my fist, extended my fingers and reach out to the sun? The light small breath of mother nature let’s me know I am not walking through the shadows alone. I smell the sweetness of the trees, my hair whirls across my face. Slowly I move forward.

sk