Why am I a Person? | Revisited

“Why am I a person?” My daughter asked pulling her pj’s over her head.

“God decided that you needed to be this spunky person”, I answered back.

“Why did He not make me a dog or a table?”,”Why did God make me Gracie?” She asked me as I brushed her hair.

“Well, I answered  back, “Because there were already plenty of puppies with attitudes and no table could embrace all your sass, no one else could be as unique as you are, because there truly could only be one Gracie.”

Gracie thumbed through a book ,in thought for a few seconds and said, “I guess you’re right, God did a good job with me.”

“I think so too”, I said, I smiling back at her.

Keeping a Fresh Blog: What to do with your old Blog Post? This blog was originally published on March 20, 2018. I am cleaning house at the moment and freshen up my old blogs! This post took me back to when the family lived in Minnesota! At first I was sad rereading it. The road we have traveled has been hard on all of us in our own way. I personally have given up a great deal to follow Jason and support his career. Sometimes, I wait for that to be recognized or appreciated but usually what I get is belittlement. Like, how could I not be hold down a full time job and have a matching income to my husband while coordinating a huge move for 4 people every single year? It’s okay that my husband travels out of town and I am a single parent 90% of time…I should be able to to his job and mine…right?…200% is required if your a female. (I did work by the way last year in CA). I’ve had to remind myself that we knew this was going to be a sacrifice on my part when we first started down this road. We made this commitment to our new way of life and it was a discussion no one was invited to have opinion on but everyone has an opinion. We knew it was going to be rough but we also didn’t know how rough it was going to be on me! How rough people would be on me. This was going to be a massive sacrifice of my freedom, my family, friendships, my career and making my own money all to better our family in long run by growing Jason’s career. I was leaving it all. Still most don’t know it was what I walked away from that is why my husband is where he is today. Does it matter? Not really… because we’re a team. I love him and we love our family. This was our choice together. It’s only when I’m torn down that I feel the need to defend myself.  Not everyone will know the things that I have given up to make this family and marriage keep working! Not everyone will understand how our family continue to function at the level it does but I can assure you that my mental and emotional health has been pushed to limit to keep this going. Rereading this was a reminder of the struggle, what I have gave up and what I have gain. All the lessons in all the heartbreaks and all the amazing things we have seen along the way. The pure ignorance of some and how blessed we are to be this close now. Truly the 4 of us…Jason, myself and our kids have never been this strong and this close in all our day together. And for that I am truly so very thankful. PNG image 115  
 
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Best Buds! Gigi and her friend Reese frome MN.  2020

Rereading and updating this took me right back to the very day G and I had this conversation. I was brushing her hair as she was getting ready for bed. We were living in Moorhead, Minnesota, 2018 then and life had taken a major turn for us. As much as I was trying to find happiness in my new life, it was hard for me in my new role as a stay at home mom. It was difficult for all of us trying to settled in to our new home in Minnesota. Our family was becoming fractured to say the lease. I was alone with Grace and Tristan all the time and Jason was a road warrior. He was never home and his distance from us was painful. The kids did their best to brave a smile for me but I could see how bad this change was changing them. Being a single mom now was isolating but I wasn’t the only one who was dying of loneliness. The three of us were questioning our futures, just in different ways. I remember crying myself to sleep just about every night. I felt so abandon. I would wake up to Gracie little face snuggled up on my pillow. We both were looking for comfort, safety. The road we’ve traveled since that night, sitting on my sweet Gigi’s bed, that cold night in March of 2018; has been long and weary for us all. It’s been no picnic for a second. I’ve been more than happy to leave every single State that we’ve lived in and so happy to get to each one. It’s the weirdest feeling. But I tell you none of them have ever felt like home until we moved here to New Jersey (1\1\2020). This place has been the closest to home to me. Reflecting back on those times and the choices that we made, I can see the big picture a little clearer. I can see where I cared a little too much, held on too long and sometimes just enough. I’ve let my emotions get the better of me a few times and maybe worried a bit too much what other people thought. There was a lot going on and unfortunately, I think a lot of selfishness at times from everyone. The adults all tend to be consumed with how things will effect them and kids worry about their parents, and each other. They’re fearful for the future, even if the don’t have words to express their uncertainty.

Gracie has always been the one to really push my buttons! She pushes to the point things aren’t funny anymore. I’m done laughing and now I’m starting to get mad. Why Grace? Why?

 

That face..that’s why…

  IMG_2587 2   For the longest time I believed Grace did this to get attention. She didn’t care what kind of attention it was- any attention was still all eyes on her and she would take it! She wanted to be seen, to make sure that we noticed her. This would drive me nuts! Who am I kidding… It still drives me crazy but now I “get her” even if I don’t always understand her. Gigi is a talented person. She likes to created and entertain. We are so different and so the same. She loves people and making them happy. Dancing, singing, being sporty and girly! She’s funny and witty! She has so much imagination and being able to do any of these things fill her with pure joy! It’s just a bonus if she can bring joy to someone else because of her gift. Sure, she has no limits and her listener is broken. She is way to damn independent at times and I swear she is trying give me a heart attack most days! She’s been to the ER with a broken arm, wrist and hand! All because this kid is determined to learn how to skateboard! Jesus take the wheel! She was won’t give up! Gigi is a totally perfectionist and she’s to hard on herself in my opinion. Grace thought she knew everything at the age of 5 year old, can you believe that? She became a teenager at 8 years old, which is terrifying since she will only turns 10 years old this year! My lil mama is a hand full. I’m on my toes with her! None of the Grandparent’s ever asked to keep Grace overnight or for long weekends and if there were ever complaints about behavior, it was usually about my little monster. I’d say, “She’s just too smart, what can I tell you?” “Don’t leave all your things out because she’ll get into it!” Or I’d hear how she said something the hurt someone’s feelings but really she was saying what everyone one else was thinking. Leave it to a kid to be brutally honest. Grace once told my Mother in Law she was the “Garage Sale and Walmart Grandma”…My Mother in law dropped Grace back off to us, in tears and basically made sure that I knew what I spoiled kid I had. What I wish I could had explain is how much Gracie LOVES to go to Garage sales with her and yes, she did call her that but that’s because no one else does that with her. My Mother in Law is special because she is the only one who will. So it sounds bad but it wasn’t meant to be. Adults have a way of adding of twist of judgement to things. Trust me Grace has said way….way worse.  
    As this wild child of mine as grown and developed, I see her more and more coming into her own personality. There are times I could burst into tears because of how much I love this kids. As much as Grace drives me completely insane, she fills me with joy I’d lost without! Sometimes I think I’m more excited for what her future holds than she is. I just know amazing things are awaiting her! She’s going to change the world and bring other people joy. I just know it. Both my kids are special. I have worked with kids for a really long time and you come across kids you just know are different…they have something special. I guess it’s safe to say most parents think their kids have that special thing about them so perhaps, I’m bais. I just believe they my kids rare. After years of being in so many different States and working with different kids, I know a special person when I see one. Gracie and Tristan have a kindness about then, a wit, a brightness in their soul. They just want to bring joy to people. They have a light about them, a care, a empathy that’s missing from people now a days. You see it every now then but it’s rare.     20170820_141454   They make MY world a better place. They THIS world a better place.