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“Why am I a person?” My daughter ask. “God decided that you needed to be this person, just who you are”, I answered back. “Why did He not make me a dog or a table or someone else?” “Why am I Grace?” “Because there was already plenty of sassy puppies and no table could embrace all that attitude you have and no one else could be as unique as you are because there truly could only be one Gigi.  “mmm…I guess you’re right!” She says ” I do like me.”

 

 

Where did I fall off? Where did I go wrong? Don’t get me wrong…I am proud to have a daughter that loves herself and is kind and fierce at the same time. She is awesome inside and outside! I am truly blessed by the joy she brings into my life. I don’t want to sound blind to that. I am greatly blessed for both my children. Lord knows where I would be right now without them. They seriously are my entire world. And because I want them to have a WHOLE, healthy mom I want to be better. I want to be better for longer. They deserve that.

So how did I fall off. It’s pretty clear I dislike myself and I don’t believe I am good at much. How in the hell did I get this way? I have no confidence at all. It sucks feeling this way. I don’t even trust myself anymore to make good choices. Every choice I make is to better our life and my life, yet it feels like a slow motion mess. I feel like I am moving through a swap of thick mud.

I don’t always feel sad. I wouldn’t even say that I am deeply depressed anymore as much as I am just underwhelmed with my life. I feel stagnant. I am not doing anything but I am trying. I am trying. Am I not trying the right things? Am I not working hard enough? Maybe I am not cut out to do more than just… this…

I have my business JOY on Purpose Essentials and that’s going nowhere fast. I have zero support from friends or family but I don’t blame them… it’s not for everyone. I just thought I would be farther along by now. It’s super disappointing.

I’ve also realized that I really started this blog as a release for myself. I hoped I would connect to others more than I have but it’s okay because I love writing and sharing. It sucks that no one really wants to read my blog. Either way, I still get to write and share and that’s the point. I still I can’t help but wish I had more people interested in it. I love reading everyone’s blogs, articles, books, novels, short stories, poems…I still get to do that even if people don’t enjoy mine.  I’m going to have to be okay with that.

I guess I just wish I was better at my life. My business for starts… I believe in it so much. I have such a passion for these oils and what they have done for me. My health has gotten so much better. I still look like crap in my eyes but I feel a thousand times better. I know it doesn’t sound like I’m doing better because I am throwing a pretty good pity party right now for myself! But honestly, I was a huge wreck on all those meds. If I could only go back in time and make a different choice I would! I so would!

Maybe I just wish the results of all the hard work I have done  would have some good physical pay off! I know that’s pretty shameless of me. How vain! The thing is, I just don’t recognize myself anymore. When I see myself in the mirror I don’t know who that person is looking back at me and I don’t like her too much!  I mean…she’s okay I guess.

I know am a good mom. I take really good care of my kids. They have awesome lives and that’s because I make sure of it. Even if they get mad at me sometimes, it’s okay because I am raising really good humans. So I have that. I am a good mom.

The space I am in right now is hard to grasp. I feel ugly and unsuccessful basically. No one can help with any of this. It’s all on me.

My looks… I don’t know what else to do? I feel like I have done everything I can on my own. I know my doctor would like to send me to another doctor and do a bunch of test and tell me I’m depressed…here’s some meds and a big fat bill…no thanks. I’m so trapped right now.

My un/success.. I have been totally confused for the last year about what I want and maybe that because of this move and this new way of life for me. As a teacher back in Colorado I was able to be a great mom and wife really well. When I needed to be with  my family or do the mommy thing, I could do that. I missed some school parties but for the most part I was always able to balance being a working mom well. And even some time manage a personal life. After all  I made my own money and I had my own friends. But now I never have any freedom…ever. I’m a mom with even a husband around to babysit.  At one time I had something that was mine and I did it all well. What do I have now beside tons and tons a loneliness and emptiness?

Sometime I wonder if Gods purpose for me is not be a leader. Maybe I won’t ever have a big successful business or a popular blog. I won’t ever be the person who’s suppose to be fit and trim or even just fit in. Maybe my purpose will always be a supportive role, a fixture in the back ground.

I support my child and guide them. I support my husband and do my best to make our life as “cared for” as possible. I support my family and “whatever” they might be going through (at the moment) but I just listen and keep my supportive role. Same with my friends, and it was always this way in the work place as well. Support, support, support! Maybe I need to stop trying to be a leader and know my place.

Is being the supportive person really that bad? I’ve never fully embraced it before. Part of me want to reject it with every fiber inside me. I’m almost resentful of it because who is supporting me?

If I want something different I have to do something different, right? But as for now maybr I do just EMBRACE…embrace my supportive role. Why does that feel so wrong? Why does this feel like a life sentence?

 

xoxo sk

3 thoughts on “Who Am I Anymore

  1. I think the first step to getting what you want is KNOWING exactly what you want. But first of all…you have to start loving yourself. No more beating yourself up! My goodness, you are so hard on yourself. I get it, I really do. A few years ago, I was stuck in this horrible inner dialogue with myself- I thought awful, demeaning things about myself constantly. It’s been so hard to change, but I knew I had to do it or I would never be happy. I still have times when the negative self talk pops up again, but I try not to let it take over. I pay attention to my thoughts, and fight back with positive things when I need to. Life is hard enough. You have to be on your own side!

    1. This bought tears to my eyes. Thank you. And I know you’re right. I’m a constant work in progress and I slip up much more than I’d like. Thank you for the love. Things like this really make a difference.

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