Who Am I Anymore?

I have not been myself for a month…maybe longer. I am sorry if I have turned any of you off in my last few post. Like, I wrote in my last post, I have many things written that needed only to be edited and then posted and I just never got to it. My heart has been a little numb. I haven’t been the person you all have gotten to know over the years and for that I am sorry.

Yes, I know…I am someone with tons of ups and downs and will forever be that person but as of later, I think this world may have gotten ahold of me. It can be an ugly dark place and so nasty.

Sadly, I’ve been on the receiving end of insults and have given them out even better. We all want to be on the “right” side and be “right” so badly that we end up just being assholes and making things worse. I know I have stooped low at less once. This made me just a bad as the person sling mud at me. I should have never done it. I’m sorry I said anything at all.

I watched a movie the other night with Jason and it was a mind blender. I hate those, especially right before you’re going to bed! Anyway, this movie was basically about this couple who gets trapped in some type of hell.

The movie was called Vivarium with Jesse Eisenberg. It’s the weirdest thing ever. A couple goes to check out a house to rent in a creepy neighborhood, where every house is green and everything looks the same and very fake, nothing looks real at all. The guy that shows them the house is obviously a weirdo too and the whole thing is strange to them but they decided to hurry and get it over with.

They end up getting trapped and no matter how hard they try they can’t get out. The life that they knew is over and gone forever. They end up with a nightmare, psycho kid that they have to raise in the belief that it might somehow free them but it gets more twisted and crazy as it goes.

The truth is the couple fades apart, one sees the truth and tries to dig out but it makes him so sick that he dies. They other sees the truth too late and is killed in the end. Tragic.

 

 

Honestly, this is a good representation of my life the last 3 years. Minus the physco kids…I have descend kids and I’m not dead yet but I was close…It’s touch and goes sometimes. People just don’t know. I feel like my husband’s company is the neighborhood that we entered into and now we’re trapped. Maybe I’m just the one trapped.

Since that moment we decided to join this company, everything’s changed.  I had all my family, my friends were with me and close by, I had a home that I loved and a job that I was doing great in! This all went away the day we enter this company and everyday since then has been a massive struggle for me. There’s nothing I can do to escape it.

I’m doing better today then I have been but I’m still in that trapped place. My own personal hell. I’m still here. I have just had to make myself believe something different. I think my counselor calls it reframing or getting a different perspective. It doesn’t come easy. I have to really work at it. It’s hard when our life is not our own, it belongs to the company.

I try to remember that no matter who sits in that sit and makes the call on our life that God is still king. Somehow that doesn’t change the aching in my chest at night though…even when it should.

The combination of outside world madness, right fighters, health concerns, school concerns, mental and emotional worries for myself and very much for my kids, this house being a lot of work, aches and pains, isolation, so many lies….Well, I feel a lack of control over my life and my kids lives for that matter. Even being able to breathe fresh air is getting  hard to do anymore!  All this is changing me. I’m changing again and this time I’m not so sure I like this person I’m becoming.

The title of the movie is Vivarium. I couldn’t even pronounce that but it means

noun
  1. an enclosure, container, or structure adapted or prepared for keeping animals under seminatural conditions for observation or study or as pets; an aquarium or terrarium.

Now tell me that isn’t creepy? I felt total misery and my anxiety was terrible after watching this movie so you probably shouldn’t try it but it did seem almost familiar to me. This movie is NOTHING you want to relate to at all.

I’m not sure how I’m ever going to break free from feeling “trapped” or like the life that I knew is over now that we are part of this “company”.  I don’t know what my days will hold or how I will keep holding on either…Somehow I do, with some days being good and some days just being another day.

I don’t look at anyone’s instagram and think “I wish” because all I want was what I had and no one has what I did. No one can bet that. But I also know that that doesn’t exist now either.

The freedom to choose might be nice… I’m not sure? I guess we’ll see what happens in a few years from now. What will I do? Where will I go? Will my plans aline with the companies? Who knows?

My old life, in Colorado I use to drive down long stretches of road alone and the air would be just perfect, a little bit cool and the sun shining. It was beautiful! I would put my hand out the window and really feel it. Take it all in. Feel the sun’s warmth and breath the fresh air in. Thank God for my life, everyting. I believe that was God and I right then having a little meeting. I have not had another meeting with God since then. I miss it so much. But I haven’t felt Him in since I left.

I still have a lot to sort out…

In the meantime, I’m going to do better by my friends, my wordpress community, family and all I have met along the way. You have all shaped me and grown me. YOU are important to me. I’m sorry if I’ve post anything that hurt you. I love you all.

sk