This blog isn’t about the book, The secret ( which, I’ve read and is amazing ) or the upcoming movie with Katie Holmes. No this post is about the true secret of the mind power we all possess. How my overall health is changing in the most amazing ways because of my thoughts and the spirit I carry inside me. It’s pretty simple but yet, quite miraculous!
It was a very hard look in the mirror with the guidance of an awesome team of people by my side, to help me deep drive into the real meaning of my depression and terrible anxiety. There is so much I have closed up behind this door in my mind and my heart has been beat bruised. I still haven’t came face to face with much of it. One day I will have to clean it all out and free myself of it’s burden. For now, I focus on forgiving and making peace with my past, the leaps and bounds I’ve made coming clean and getting honest …What I tell you in the post is all true.
Making Peace with the Pain
As I started to make peace with pain in my heart and sweeping away the hurt and sorrow, I made room for sunlight, health and growth. This is a process that I am still working through to this very day and might always be, forever. But every time I cleaned out a new space, made peace with an old pain…a real physical pain seems to fade away or at least become easier to manages.
Through this process of cleaning out the painful cobwebs of the past and even the way I handle my present life stress, I have become more in touch with understanding my body. I truly believe God gave us an amazing machine to live in and it can do incredible things. However, our bodies can turn against us too. They are so strong but so fragile.We must be attentive and connected to the way our body and mind work together and fight each other.
I have learned with help, that my mental health directly affects me physically in the most serious ways. For example: It’s absolutely possible for someone to died of a broken heart. Being being depressed, in such grief and can cause your heart to stop work normally, even if you have never had issues before. The stress of your emotions puts a physical strain on your heart that is overwhelming. Here’s more information if your curious on the topic: Dying Of A Broken Heart| ABC News We maybe get super ticked off at our doctors for making us feeling like it’s all in our heads but they aren’t totally wrong.
Our minds are so powerful. Prayer, belief in a higher Power, our perspectives, our attitudes, what does your heart reflect out to the world? It all truly affect your health both physically and mentally and I am proof.
Real Pain and Forgiveness
It wasn’t all that long ago that I was bound to my bed and unsure if I could make it another hour. Literally every minute the tricked slowly by seemed like a count down for me just to stay alive. The minutes blending into hours and then into the end of one more day and I had made…I lived through yet another day somehow. Part of me was glad I was still there, part me was angry that I was still alive and the other part of me, didn’t care at all.
The loneliness was the most scary, intense and threatening thing, I had ever felt in my entire life but also I wasn’t feeling anything at all. I was almost absent or out of touch from feelings…sort of numb. It’s confusing and difficult to explain unless you’ve lived through it. To go through this intense, indescribable hate for myself, in such total despair but at the same time, be so numb that I cared nothing about my life at all.
It’s a as if I was completely paralyzed of emotions, ambitions, wants and even any real needs. Just a useless zombie, lacking a pulse, wondering lost in the day to day- mundane things that I was forced to do, that just barely kept me alive. I cared nothing of death at all for my own life. I had no fear for the out come of my own life but feared how my life might affect everyone else. Weird…I know
Years, of health issues only magnified for me during this time. I won’t go through every little health problem that I’ve ever had because the list is ridiculous and most of my faithful readers have heard it all enough. I have certainly written about all of them plenty enough! Nevertheless, I do want to point out the major ones because there is a connections. A real connections! One that no one, including me wanted to face at the time. When you’re going through pain…REAL pain… and real forgiveness, you don’t want to be told anything that sounds like you’re faking it at all. I know! I’ve heard it and it sucks!
Here are are few articles on how holding grudges and giving forgiveness affects your health/life in a big way! I hope you’ll check it out!
As I have written about many times before I have stuffed from Fibromyalgia since 2015, (Here’s more information on Fibromyalgia) Mayo Clinic| Fibromyalgia. The pain can be debilitating at times. On a very bad day, I’d have a very difficult time walking, or doing any regular day to day activities. Working out and being active can be troublesome, when typical this type of pain is considered chronic pain, that mean it’s experienced daily somewhere in my body.
My bones would pop and crack all the time! I just wanted to stay in my bed, under lots of blankets and have a heating pad on me with my peppermint oil all the time! At 35 years old I felt like I was closer to 95 years old.
I would describe it like having the worst “growing pain” that I ‘ve ever experienced! The pain would attack my shoulders, back, hips, and legs everyday, all day without a day off. Sometimes when the weather was super cold (thanks for the below freezing temps Minnesota) or my life was particularly terrible, my forearms and hands would fall victim as well. At one point I had to wear a brace on my arm/wrist just about daily to type or write. What do you do when your hands hurt? You can’t cover your hands in peppermint oil or just not use your hands! To lose the one thing that I loved the most, writing, would have been devastating to me!
For the record, do we know how one becomes diagnosed with Fibromyalgia? Well, unless something new has happen in the last few years; the reason anyone get a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia is because the doctor has NO clue what is wrong with you and all your test come back that YOU ARE FINE! This is when the doctor feels they have ruled everything else out so they give you a Fibromyalgia diagnosis. They just don’t know what else to do.
In my case, I was told my test all came back on the low side of normal but basically “fine”, millions of times. Yet, I didn’t feel fine but every test came back “normal” in the doctors book. Trust me when I say, I had lots and lots of test done, I mean lots… I have all the bills to prove it! Every single test would came back the same, I’m “normal”. So why did I feel like crap?
This is hard and I don’t want to discredit anyone. I know that pain I felt and still at times feel is very REAL! Your pain is REAL too! However, I have been able to add some things up and do some things differently in the last year and my life is better now because it.
Pelvic Congestion Syndrome
At the age of 15 all my female issues began. Being a female wasn’t easy for either sides of my family. Both sides of the women in my family have suffered with early Hysterectomies or painful cyst, even being diagnosed with endometriosis. Being a girl was no picnic in our family.
In 2019 I had a Hysterectomy at the age of 37, ( it was actually my birthday gift, so I was practically 38) after years of ovarian cyst and painful endometriosis I was put on birth control early in life, different food restrictions/diets, and told over and over to be active and stay “healthy and “outgoing”…whatever that meant? But after years of continued pain and no real relife, I thought I had finally been given my answer to all this pain! My doctor was going to take EVERYTHING! It was time for a Hysterectomy/Oophorectomy (taking one or both ovaries). But the pain did not disappear like the doctor promised it would. Well, not completely…
Most women with PCS (Figs. 1 and and2)2) present with a noncyclical pain lasting more than 6 months in duration. This pain may be worsened by the following: sitting, standing, at the end of the day, during or after intercourse (dyspareunia), or just before the onset of menses. Other symptoms of pelvic congestion are nonspecific and variable in intensity. Affected women may have generalized lethargy, depression, abdominal or pelvic tenderness, vaginal discharge, dysmenorrhea, swollen vulva, lumbosacral neuropathy, rectal discomfort, or urinary frequency. On examination, patients can have cervical motion tenderness or point tenderness over the ovaries or uterus on bimanual exam. One may note hemorrhoids, varicose veins of the perineum, buttocks, or lower extremities. Additionally, these problems may overlap with concomitant pathology, making diagnosis and treatment even more difficult.
-Guest Editor Martha-Grace Knuttinen M.D., Ph.D.
Knowing what I know now, I wonder if I would have gone through it all to still have pain in my lower half and throbbing in my thighs. However, I have been able to make changes to my life and have found some peace. With a change in my environment, creating a circle of encouraging/supportive people, forcing on positive thoughts and lightening my heart…it all could have made a difference back then because it’s making one now.
After my surgery I was told I had the worst case of Pelvic Congestion Syndrome that my Doctor had ever seen in her life. In my case my entire female system was engulfed in one gain vain. It had blocked off blood flow from the rest of my body and was almost like it’s own entity.
What the heck is this?
I had never heard of PCS until that day July 16, 2019, after my surgery. What you’ll find is just like Fibromyalgia, PCS is also very hard to diagnose and can be cause by so many different things but one thing that these two have in common…. mental health conditions, depression.
But I felt that pain! My pain was happening to me and it hurt! I had many different surgeries and test before I lost all my organs and the doctors couldn’t find anything. In the earlier days before the stress of being wife, an in-law, having babies, being a working mother, and having a mortgage, I had problems than too! But the problems and the pain I was feeling all showed up on every test before my life got crazy…before I was pushed beyond my limits.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis and ovarian cyst because a doctor saw them…. cut them/it out me. It was a no brainer back then but now no one knew why I was sick, so the doctor figured use my old diagnosis of Endometriosis to solve the problem. Who knew that I’d wake up and find out stress along, with taking on everyone else’s stress caused this shit! I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it.
When the stress of life was really taking a toll on me, that’s when it seemed like my pain was at it’s very worse. That’s when all the bones in my lower back, pelvis and hips felt like they all had tiny fractures in them and they were beginning to scatter bit by bit. My abdomen was heavy like a bricks but the pain was sharp like a knife…how was it possible? This pain and my emotions could be connected? The pain would run up my back and down thighs. My weight gain was insane! I gain 30 lbs in a matter of months and guess what? This all happened when my depression and anxiety started to really rear its ugly head.
It’s hard to deny…
In 2013 I had one hell of a scare! I had my first ever seizure. I was told lots of different things about it. Even that I had a stroke at one point! I had no clue what the heck had happened to me! But I knew that during this time in my life I was very… VERY exhausted and super run down. I means what’s new really!
It all started after having a massive headache that had lasted 3.5 long intense weeks. I know that seems insanely long even for a migraine. When I told the ER doctor that my headache was going on for 3.5 weeks, he looked at me as if I didn’t understand the question. No, seriously… my headache came on in the middle of the night when my daughter (3 years old at the time) woke me up (never her father) for some chocolate cake… cause why wouldn’t we wanted cake at 3am? Then it never went away for a damn month…not even a little!
Even in pain, I still went to work, cared for my kids, drove a car, cooked, cleaned… ya, know handled life. But I hated every second of it! I wanted to crawl in hold and hide! I have been dealing with headaches of some form since I was a child. This is nothing new to me, expect this day something new did happen.
The light hurt my eyes, sound hurt my head but like nothing I felt before. I wanted to rip off my head! This was extra terrible because I was a Pre-K teacher at the time. I would down tons of Advil, Excedrin but nothing worked for me. That evening when I got home from work with the kids, I noticed my vision wasn’t right. My peripheral vision was weird…not gone, more blurry and it was painful to look to either side. My neck was also becoming super stiff and painful to move. All my limbs felt extremely heavy. Still, I thought…maybe I was just really….REALLY in need of a nap?
I remember talking on the phone with my sister, Jessica and telling her about my headache, my weird vision and then it happened! Out of nowhere, the side of thigh went numb. I tried to blow it off. Jason wasn’t going to be home till late and I had no time to deal with whatever this was. The numbness took over my body fast. Next thing I knew my both legs, my whole stomach, ribs, my arms, shoulders, neck, I couldn’t feel any of it! I was still on the phone still and I told my sister what was happening to me. The last few things that I can remember is her telling me to call Jason or 911. I vaguely remember a brief conversation with Jason but I don’t remember what was said to him. I remember feeling my mouth go numb and them all the numbness consuming my whole face. Before I knew it my vision was gone and I had blacked out. I have no memory of anything else until I came too, still confused, naked, with a robot doctor in my face asking me questions as I sat in a hospital bed.
The missing pieces
What I was told that happened was that my son, only 8 years old at this time, came in my room after hearing me fall. I was half on my bed and half on the floor. He tired to talk to me. He said, he didn’t know if I was groaning or trying to telling him something but he couldn’t really understand me. He grabbed my cell phone and call his Dad. Tristan then, checked my breathing and called his Poppy and my sister back to let them know what had happened. As Jason raced home from work, all while I was still passed out, Tristan was taking care of his crazy 3 year old sister too! What a great kid! Thank God of him!
When Jason got home, he said I looked as if I was sleeping. He tired to wake me up and asked me, what was going on? Should we go to the hospital? I guess, I responded back to him but I don’t remember this at all. Somehow, Jason loaded up the kids and me in the car, dropped the kids off at my parents house and took me to the ER.
I have zero memory of this at all. I was told I actually wobbled into the ER myself and at up to the front desk. I tried, in an almost drunken manner to explain what happened to me. I pushed a bunch of buttons on a keypad after the front desk lady asked me to put my social in and I guess I got that super wrong. So they called for a code RED or GREEN…PURPLE… I don’t know but I was rush on to a bed and my clothes were ripped off of me and lot of things stuck to my body. It was about then that I came back to life…like what in hell is going on!
Dazed and Confused
It was the strangest thing, like waking from a long hangover. My eye sockets were on fire! The pain shooting like red hot rod through my skoul! I had an intense ringing in my ears…I can’t remember if it was both ears but the ringing was so loud…it could make a person mad! My jaw and cheekbones hurt too. I felt like I had been in an MMA match lost, then got up and asked for more…than lost again!
The one thing that scared me the most was my vision. I couldn’t see very good. Everything was more blurry then normal but with all the pain I guess I didn’t ask question about that at the time. The pain in my head made thinking impossible.
Then next day because I am an A-hole, I went back to work. Well it happened all over again but at work this time! I blacked out in the nurse’s office! I knew that I was going to pass out as I could feel the numbness taking over my body and my vision was disappearing, so I ran out of my classroom into an office, away from my students so not to see what was about to happen to me. This was extra painful this time and all the ER did was pump me full of drugs which only made my head worst.
Jason meet me at the ER and I told him I couldn’t see anything. This time I was almost blind. My headache was actually better. It probably would have killed someone else but compared to what I had been feeling, this was better. My pain now was in my eye sockets and it scared me that I couldn’t see.
I went to a Neurologist a few days later to finally get some answers. (Here’s more information on What Is A Neurologist?) After a MRI and lots of blood work, I was put on a fun medication with a million side effects. That was not an easy med to get on and I am still on it to this day, it’s been 7 years now. To get off of it will be even harder than the process I had to get on it.
I got super sick to stomach, slept for a week and basically stopped eating for a month. Everything that I ate tasted terrible. I lost a ton of weight (no worries, I gained it all back, plus some!) and I started to get this crazy tingling in my feet, my hands, and my arms. I still get it from time to time. I can’t handle 3D movie, dime lighting, or strobe-lighting without my vision going woky and feeling sick, not then and not now. Not to mention the speed of which I process things has totally slowed down. I am totally ashamed of this and I feel like a complete idiot at times but this is life on this medication, with this condition at this moment.
It took a long time for my vision to come back and in one eye it never came back all the way. I get warning signs that a “seizure” is coming now, like this medium size brown dot I see in one of my eyes, my peripheral vision becoming blurred or seeing stars. Or the scary parts, like parts of my face going numb or becoming tingly, that’s really worry some. Having a headache that last more than a week is also a warning signs! I pay attention.
When other people would ask “so what’s wrong with you? I didn’t really know what to say?…and that drove me mad! After spending tons of money on so many test, specialist and medications, along with 7 years to pay off an Ambulance bill, we still didn’t really have an answer to what this was! I was told I was having “Brain Seizures” or that my brain was resetting itself. I was told it was a “Migraine Seizure” or “Epilepsy Migraine”, a type of Epilepsy Epilepsy and Migraine| Common Ground?
Sometimes all you need is a name for what you’re deal with and in a world where no one wants to label anything…I needed to name this and this not with a “maybe, it’s this?” I wanted to know, what it was!
Finally something to hang my hat on! Not only did this monster now have a name but I knew what caused it to appear. The number one factor was stress! Can you believe that? STRESS! Well, I couldn’t deny that I had plenty of that for a lifetime.
I was only starting to find a treatment plan as we were moving from California. But with the right meds, diet, and stress management, I can get a grip on this monster once for all. I have hope now that I’m here in New Jersey I can find a good Neurologist and move forward! I’m already working with a life-coach/ counselor and making amazing strides.
Symptoms of Migralepsy: Migralepsy
My Treatment plan
“Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.- Matthew 5:7
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, Matthew – 6:14
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. – Luke 6-27-28
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.- Ephesians 4:31-32
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” – Mark 11:25
I hated going to every single doctors appointment only to hear that depression hurts. Anxiety affects my body physically… So instead of the doctor healing me, they gave me a new antidepressant or told me to find a counselor, get in the sun, be more active! It wasn’t what I wanted hear!
I didn’t think I was depressed, I thought I was just a lonely. I knew I had some anxiety at times but it didn’t overtake me… right? It wasn’t a secret that I’m stressed all the time about everything. I’m a worrier. Was I just covering up the scars, the wounds, the inner pain, with excuses?
Forgiveness For Healing
It took a huge life change for the all the dirt that I had sweep under the rug to be cleaned away! That door that I never dared to open would be cracked open for probably the first time ever… It was the worse and best thing that has ever happen to me. In this process, I have had to come to terms with these illnesses that I had and have, are a result and connected to my emotional pain, my hurt, my stress and not being able to let it go.
Only with the help of many doctors, counselors, my life-coach and my writing, along with my writing community, I have been able to make peace and forgive the people who hurt me the worse, the pain that I didn’t even know I had. Slowly, over time I am learning ways to deal with my stress, the people in my world who caused my hurt without care. I don’t fear their intentions or lack of empathy for me anymore, and forgive them and pray for them. As I have healed that emotional pain that was so deep, my physical pain has started to heal own it too.
God has been a huge force in my life, guiding me through this everyday, to a clear and free mind and heart, no more heaviness in my heart or in my head. My body is no longer filled with my hurts or anyone else’s for that matter and it feel freeing.
I’m not cured but I’m healing both on the inside and on the sideout.