I have written two different blogs and a poem trying to express how I feel without it impacting my life in a negative way now. (Somehow I pay for it later) For some reason, I’m struggling with this. I go into too much detail or my feelings come on too strong. I said that in 2020 that I wasn’t going to worry or try for other people’s’ approval and here I am only days in worrying about it. I know better.
After sometime of stillness and prayer, I remembered why I started this blog and why I need this writing thing so much. It’s an outlet for me partly. It’s good for me mentally but also I enjoy the artform it is and the amazing connections that I have made. However, currently, I’m making this whole thing very complicated and stressful by my overthinking- when I’m more worried about the “trigger” factor than being honest and real. I need to just go back to the basics.
This will be last time that I mention California in a blog or in my writing because it makes me feel ill and very unhappy. This isn’t to hurt the good friends that I met there. Those women know who they are and you were a Godsend to me. I will cherish our time always.
This is because being there about killed me and that’s not drama, this is not an over statement. I was close to ending my own life while trying to survive there everyday. My mental health was affected in the worst probably way. I was utterly alone, uncared for by people who should have loved me the most and treated like complete trash there. I blame myself for not leaving sooner, for not demanding to be treated better than I was. I was confused, I lost who I was and was trying to do “the right thing” while falling apart. This time in my life was a living nightmare. I am choosing to not relive it anymore.
Many of you who have been reading my blog for awhile know that my writing was depressing and sad during this time in my life. I tapped into places I didn’t ever plan on going but I’m glad I did. I want to thank you all for staying with me during this time because your prayers and encouragement got me through… along with finding the willpower to find counseling. I’m so very grateful to be here right now. It was actually a fellow blogger that kept me alive during this terrible time in my life. Not a close “friend” or family member, not my partner in life. No, those people weren’t really there for me during this time, honestly.
The reason I’m making a point to say this is the LAST time that I will write about this place is because it’s also the LAST time I want to hear about my time there. When I drove away, I was happy, overjoyed, in heaven… recused from the pits of freakin hell!
Being associated with California makes me nauseated. It takes me back to a time and place that I don’t ever want to think about. The other day my husband, very innocently told someone that we were from California and I felt my stomach-turn and I became angry the rest the day. I’m NOT from freakin California! I’m from Colorado! I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. It may sound like the dumbest thing ever and maybe it is. Think of the very worst moment in your life and someone kept bring it up or refering to it over and over and tagging your name and picture to it every single post, everyday. That’s what it feels like to me.
Trust me, I am paying for our time there in major ways and it will takes years to recover what happen in the first 6 months, let alone the entire 18 months of pure torture of mentally, emotionally and financially damage! I pray to God that He puts armor around me from it affecting me longer than it has to.
The calls still come in from that place and they don’t stop and won’t go away. My husband won’t let it go and I get it. He liked it there and why wouldn’t he. He had a life and friends. He went out to eat and got to do cool things. He had great experiences while he lived there that we never got to have. We were trapped. It was the rest of the family that was miserable. It was me that dying slowly everyday and all alone in hell.
He still hasn’t let his old position go either. I shouldn’t be upset about hearing him miss things but I am sickness by it truly and that’s just how it is. I can’t say I’m sorry because I just feel this way. A place that gave me PTSD…broke me in an unrepairable ways and just about killed our marriage and me…I can’t stand hearing or even thinking about it. I’m not sure he really knows how close we were to not being here in this moment right now because of our time there. I’m beyond ready to close that book and burn it.
Frankly, since I left my life in Colorado, my work, my family and friends, my life haven’t been that great. I’ve lost far more than I’ve gained and that’s total honesty. I’ve given everything to help my husband to be successful in his career and I haven’t benefited much from any of that. I’ve given so much of myself that at times there’s nothing left to give. The very least I should get is some respect for what I do to hold this family together. It’s not easy when at times keeping myself together is a job in itself.
When we drove away and were finally headed to New Jersey, we were different with each other but good together. It was like all the pain had a purpose. We both were finally on the same page. My husband realized he hadn’t done a good job of caring for his wife but he wanted to and was going to. I trusted that and I wanted to let the past go and I want to now! California had confused him too but now together, taking care of business and working together, we were better than ever because we had a common goal. Breathing different air!
We remembered the deep love and amazing friendship that we had before the poison had infected us. The selfishness and one sided entitlement that was all around, was not part of our world anymore. Slowly, we were remembering the fun, witty, kind and strong, faithful people we are.
Now living in New Jersey, this is our home. I’m happy here and everyone has been so helpful and friendly so far. I’m being positive but it’s easy when people are down to Earth and normal. I want it to continue on and in this upward motion for us. However, I need to LEAVE California behind for this positive flow to continue. I can’t keep reliving my nightmare. Everytime the (negative) people or topic comes up it changes me and the function of my relationships back to shit that it once was and I don’t want that. The smug, nasty looks and bs- I’m over it. I can’t live that way and I will not relive it again. So I’m declaring today… I’ve put that B to bed! I don’t want to hear a word about it or anything to do with it again. Keep all that noise from my ears…your phone calls and chit chat gossip.