Lost Not Found

I don’t know. I feel like I am aching for something that doesn’t exist. I am missing some apart of myself. I miss a place that I have never been but yet, I know this place well. It’s my comfort and security. It’s familiar to me somehow. I feel safe there, complete. I am a complicated, confused, misunderstood, an unnoticed wanderer. People assume to know who I am. They don’t, not really. I am simple and quite but my words spark, they are quick and sharp. I am a raging storm of chaos and sleepless nights. I am many things all at once. I am the sunlight in the morning and the still cool darkness in the middle of night. I am the one sitting in the corner watching the people at the party . I am tears in my closet to release my pain, a dream hunter to understand my subconscious, a child of God who is forgiven, a stranger to this planet, a writer looking for lost words, a scared mom, a lonely wife; who knows it’s all her fault, a desperate friend looking for a hand to hold or a shoulder to lean on. I am more than I even know. I am like the air, invisible but necessary. I have the ability to accomplish anything I put my heart and soul into, right? I want to believe that but I am weary, my bones hurt, my heart is tired and my eyes burn. I have fear and it has me. I am strong and weak all at once. I absorb people’s feelings like a sponge.  Their moods, happy, sad, frustrated, annoyed. I may be joy then without notice, I may be rain. The people in my world change my world and have the ability to calm the storm inside me or make it rage on like you have never seen. The world has a strong effect on me weather I want it to or not. I want to have peace. The world does not. I have a fierce need to be loved and excepted by people. But people are fickle. Loyalties changing so frequently. Your feelings are deceitful. They will mislead you to believe things that aren’t true. Where is reality? Do I even want to be there? Is it safer for me to hide here in my head. Or is that where the madness is? What will it be like to see the light after being here with my eyes closed for so long? I am eager for the sting in my eyes to really to see the light for the first time. I know what the world has for me and it isn’t the sweet breezy watercolors I wish for. Can I stand long enough? Will I have the ability to stand my ground. This time will I open my fist, extended my fingers and reach out to the sun? The light small breath of mother nature let’s me know I am not walking through the shadows alone. I smell the sweetness of the trees, my hair whirls across my face. Slowly I move forward.

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