Choice and Power

To stay and choose to redefine this new way of being… Now that is true courage!

 

 

The Choice

I have the same power just as you,

so I was told.

The choice to be just as cold.

I to hold this power to disappear when things get hard.

This choice I completely disregard.

I suppose I have the same power as you to be cruel and mean.

My choice is to not be obscene.

However, I understand we are the same in many ways.

We both have known betrays.

Our choices are our power and how we find our power is in our choices.

That’s how people hear our voices…

Now only think how you might be heard or should I say unheard?

 

xoxo sk

16 Quotes About Complaining

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hometown State of Mind

Going Home…

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Welcome To Colorful Colorado

A Hometown State of Mind is just what I need to get centered… the get back to the  fabric that made me. 

I was sitting here trying to recall my last visit home? It’s sad that actually I can’t remember. Christmas in 2017 we went as a family and it was a rushed trip! My anxiety was terribly! I was home once before that in June 2016 I think, for Father’s day, to surprise my parents. That visit was a less than 45 hour turn around for me and I back in Minnesota!

Jason, I and the kids did a short stop in Colorado when we were journeying to California but I was on special orders, that I had NO TIME to make plans with a soul… so I saw no one. We only spent one single night at my parents house before we hit the road again.

Spending less than 2 hours, saying a quick hello-goodbye to my Aunt, Uncle and Grandparents in Wray, CO but then it was all business again and we were back on the road. It wasn’t what I wanted at all. I was really missing and needing my friends and family then. This was probably the start of my down-ward spiral into major depression, I just didn’t know how bad at the time.

All of my two visits to my hometown have been very rushed. Jason can’t take on the kids or handle more responsibilities than his job, so he tends to panics when I’m not around to handle the living-being in our care. Even this current visit coming up to Colorado, Jason is in a frenzy about me leaving and I’m taking the kids with me this time! I mean, let me live, Dude!

Home sick…

Colorado’s 10 Most Picturesque towns

Rocky Mountain National Park

Lost Not Found Blog By www.fabicthatmademe.com

Time for some fun and laugher with people that I miss and love, in a place that I once called home.

It’s been a long time since I really laughed, like a real belly laugh. You know the laughs that make your face go ugly and you start to cry but it feels so good! I need that! I need the ugly, tear streaming down your face kind of laugh! I haven’t had a whole lot of happiness going on for awhile! It’s been too long and I’ve been on survival mode! There’s been no time with friends, no conversations with a single human or really living my best life in this world at all. I’ve been just barely getting by! I’ve said this too many times…I’m like a rat in a cage! But I’ve allow this to happen to me. I did this to myself!

The Biblical Way To Overcome Being a Victim 

**Visit the post above and get empowered! 

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A leader In My Own Life

My happiness comes from inside me and that’s an awesome freedom and scary reality!

I miss my friends, my family and my home. Mostly, I miss making my own life choices and having some freedom in my choices! What I’ve realized is, I can take control of my life and my happiness. It is possible…I can be a leader in my own life. However, not everyone will always be happy with my choices and I have to be okay with that. I also have to know I am responsible for the outcome. I can’t put it on anyone else.

I mean it hasn’t been all bad, I’ve definitely learn some valuable lessons along the way! I’ve made lifetime friends in Minnesota! I’ll be forever grateful for the Andersons and their friendship. California has been a real B***H! It’s because of my brokenness that I found my hope.

While I’m in Colorado I’ll have some time to remember the good times and get caught up with some old friends. I’m excited to have this time to be with my friends and not have anyone to push or pull me into a direction they want. I need this break and I think Jason needs it too.

No Place like home…

So Tuesday I and the kids will be in Colorado for a month. I don’t know what to say other than, I ask for prayers during this time. I’m sure the kids need this just as bad as I do, to see their cousins and grandparents. We needs to be part of something and feel safe and sound again. Our security has been shot. Our peace has been ripped apart but we are on the mend. I have hope for us.

I’ll keep my blog updated with “life”! I’m excited to see where God leads us. I have faith He is hard at work.

xoxo sk

 

A Simple Choice

We have the ability to bring such joy.

Or

We have the choice to bring such pain.

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We people can be the light in someones darkness.

Or

We can be the monster under the bed.

We can the mean girl, the bully in the locker room.

We can be the new found friend who offers a laugh and a smile instead.

Choices

We have them.

We are not above them.

Choose wisely.

You could be saving a life and life just might be your own. 

xoxo sk

The Awesome Impact Award

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What a surprise! What an honor! I can’t tell you how much this means to someone like me, who has just a small little blog, with a tiny little following to get recognized! This is simply the sweetest things!

Okay! Let’s get down to business! I was nominated by the sweet and wonderful Racheal’s Novels.  I try to keep up on every blog that I follow but we all know that is an impossible task! But I will tell 100% trust me, her blog is a goodie! Please check it out!

Thank you so very much for nominating me! I am so humbled and thankful for every award, mention and all the love! What an honor! Thank you!

So this is how this works ( I think)

RULE #1: Tag the person who nominated you.

RULE #2: Copy the “Awesome Impact Award” into your WordPress media and insert it in your post

RULE #3: Talk about an incident that impacted your life in a really positive way

RULE #4: Finally, nominate 10 other bloggers for the award

The incidents that impacted my life in a really positive way?

 

Moving away from Colorado was hands down the most positive thing that every happen to me. I was in a very negative situation in I live there. Once moved away I free to really live my best life and discover who I really and I love myself…all of my. I didn’t have to worry about judgments from others or people influencing my choices. Being away I have really grown into my own person! I have never been happier or freer! I would have never started to write, which is my passion if would not have left! I get to be the Mom, the wife, daughter, sister and just freaking human-being I want to be now! I feel blessed! God is so good! I am so thankful I had faith and still have faith in His plans for me!

I have to include giving my life to Christ because without Christ I can do nothing but with everything. All the Glory goes to God! I am nothing without His Mercys and Grace over my life. 

 

My TEN (but I’m going to 5 because like damn 10 is a lot) other bloggers to be nominated are…drumroll…please….

Crushed Carmel

The Eclectic Contrarian

Finally Unchained

Parallax

Jessy-FAB Faith and Books

 

Again, thank you so much to Racheal’s Novels…I am truly honored!

xoxo sk

 

Who Am I Anymore

“Why am I a person?” My daughter ask. “God decided that you needed to be this person, just who you are”, I answered back. “Why did He not make me a dog or a table or someone else?” “Why am I Grace?” “Because there was already plenty of sassy puppies and no table could embrace all that attitude you have and no one else could be as unique as you are because there truly could only be one Gigi.  “mmm…I guess you’re right!” She says ” I do like me.”

 

 

Where did I fall off? Where did I go wrong? Don’t get me wrong…I am proud to have a daughter that loves herself and is kind and fierce at the same time. She is awesome inside and outside! I am truly blessed by the joy she brings into my life. I don’t want to sound blind to that. I am greatly blessed for both my children. Lord knows where I would be right now without them. They seriously are my entire world. And because I want them to have a WHOLE, healthy mom I want to be better. I want to be better for longer. They deserve that.

So how did I fall off. It’s pretty clear I dislike myself and I don’t believe I am good at much. How in the hell did I get this way? I have no confidence at all. It sucks feeling this way. I don’t even trust myself anymore to make good choices. Every choice I make is to better our life and my life, yet it feels like a slow motion mess. I feel like I am moving through a swap of thick mud.

I don’t always feel sad. I wouldn’t even say that I am deeply depressed anymore as much as I am just underwhelmed with my life. I feel stagnant. I am not doing anything but I am trying. I am trying. Am I not trying the right things? Am I not working hard enough? Maybe I am not cut out to do more than just… this…

I have my business JOY on Purpose Essentials and that’s going nowhere fast. I have zero support from friends or family but I don’t blame them… it’s not for everyone. I just thought I would be farther along by now. It’s super disappointing.

I’ve also realized that I really started this blog as a release for myself. I hoped I would connect to others more than I have but it’s okay because I love writing and sharing. It sucks that no one really wants to read my blog. Either way, I still get to write and share and that’s the point. I still I can’t help but wish I had more people interested in it. I love reading everyone’s blogs, articles, books, novels, short stories, poems…I still get to do that even if people don’t enjoy mine.  I’m going to have to be okay with that.

I guess I just wish I was better at my life. My business for starts… I believe in it so much. I have such a passion for these oils and what they have done for me. My health has gotten so much better. I still look like crap in my eyes but I feel a thousand times better. I know it doesn’t sound like I’m doing better because I am throwing a pretty good pity party right now for myself! But honestly, I was a huge wreck on all those meds. If I could only go back in time and make a different choice I would! I so would!

Maybe I just wish the results of all the hard work I have done  would have some good physical pay off! I know that’s pretty shameless of me. How vain! The thing is, I just don’t recognize myself anymore. When I see myself in the mirror I don’t know who that person is looking back at me and I don’t like her too much!  I mean…she’s okay I guess.

I know am a good mom. I take really good care of my kids. They have awesome lives and that’s because I make sure of it. Even if they get mad at me sometimes, it’s okay because I am raising really good humans. So I have that. I am a good mom.

The space I am in right now is hard to grasp. I feel ugly and unsuccessful basically. No one can help with any of this. It’s all on me.

My looks… I don’t know what else to do? I feel like I have done everything I can on my own. I know my doctor would like to send me to another doctor and do a bunch of test and tell me I’m depressed…here’s some meds and a big fat bill…no thanks. I’m so trapped right now.

My un/success.. I have been totally confused for the last year about what I want and maybe that because of this move and this new way of life for me. As a teacher back in Colorado I was able to be a great mom and wife really well. When I needed to be with  my family or do the mommy thing, I could do that. I missed some school parties but for the most part I was always able to balance being a working mom well. And even some time manage a personal life. After all  I made my own money and I had my own friends. But now I never have any freedom…ever. I’m a mom with even a husband around to babysit.  At one time I had something that was mine and I did it all well. What do I have now beside tons and tons a loneliness and emptiness?

Sometime I wonder if Gods purpose for me is not be a leader. Maybe I won’t ever have a big successful business or a popular blog. I won’t ever be the person who’s suppose to be fit and trim or even just fit in. Maybe my purpose will always be a supportive role, a fixture in the back ground.

I support my child and guide them. I support my husband and do my best to make our life as “cared for” as possible. I support my family and “whatever” they might be going through (at the moment) but I just listen and keep my supportive role. Same with my friends, and it was always this way in the work place as well. Support, support, support! Maybe I need to stop trying to be a leader and know my place.

Is being the supportive person really that bad? I’ve never fully embraced it before. Part of me want to reject it with every fiber inside me. I’m almost resentful of it because who is supporting me?

If I want something different I have to do something different, right? But as for now maybr I do just EMBRACE…embrace my supportive role. Why does that feel so wrong? Why does this feel like a life sentence?

 

xoxo sk