I was sitting here trying to recall my last visit home? It’s sad that actually I can’t remember. Christmas in 2017 we went as a family and it was a rushed trip! My anxiety was terribly! I was home once before that in June 2016 I think, for Father’s day, to surprise my parents. That visit was a less than 45 hour turn around for me and I back in Minnesota!
Jason, I and the kids did a short stop in Colorado when we were journeying to California but I was on special orders, that I had NO TIME to make plans with a soul… so I saw no one. We only spent one single night at my parents house before we hit the road again.
Spending less than 2 hours, saying a quick hello-goodbye to my Aunt, Uncle and Grandparents in Wray, CO but then it was all business again and we were back on the road. It wasn’t what I wanted at all. I was really missing and needing my friends and family then. This was probably the start of my down-ward spiral into major depression, I just didn’t know how bad at the time.
All of my two visits to my hometown have been very rushed. Jason can’t take on the kids or handle more responsibilities than his job, so he tends to panics when I’m not around to handle the living-being in our care. Even this current visit coming up to Colorado, Jason is in a frenzy about me leaving and I’m taking the kids with me this time! I mean, let me live, Dude!
My One solo trip to CO
I will always love my home. Colorado
I favorite place will always be the mountains
You just never know what you’ll see but this made me smile Colorado
I have seen so many beautiful different fields but by far my favorited is golden fields of wheat North Dakota
Beautiful views all around on this long road trip
I favorite place will always be the mountains
Meeting Aunt Jessie for breakfast in Lakewood,CO before hitting the road for CA
Visiting My some of my very favorite people on this earth my Wray/Magruder Fam in Wray, Colorado
You just never know what you’ll see but this made me smile Colorado
Time for some fun and laugher with people that I miss and love, in a place that I once called home.
It’s been a long time since I really laughed, like a real belly laugh. You know the laughs that make your face go ugly and you start to cry but it feels so good! I need that! I need the ugly, tear streaming down your face kind of laugh! I haven’t had a whole lot of happiness going on for awhile! It’s been too long and I’ve been on survival mode! There’s been no time with friends, no conversations with a single human or really living my best life in this world at all. I’ve been just barely getting by! I’ve said this too many times…I’m like a rat in a cage! But I’ve allow this to happen to me. I did this to myself!
My happiness comes from inside me and that’s an awesome freedom and scary reality!
I miss my friends, my family and my home. Mostly, I miss making my own life choices and having some freedom in my choices! What I’ve realized is, I can take control of my life and my happiness. It is possible…I can be a leader in my own life. However, not everyone will always be happy with my choices and I have to be okay with that. I also have to know I am responsible for the outcome. I can’t put it on anyone else.
I mean it hasn’t been all bad, I’ve definitely learn some valuable lessons along the way! I’ve made lifetime friends in Minnesota! I’ll be forever grateful for the Andersons and their friendship. California has been a real B***H! It’s because of my brokenness that I found my hope.
While I’m in Colorado I’ll have some time to remember the good times and get caught up with some old friends. I’m excited to have this time to be with my friends and not have anyone to push or pull me into a direction they want. I need this break and I think Jason needs it too.
No Place like home…
So Tuesday I and the kids will be in Colorado for a month. I don’t know what to say other than, I ask for prayers during this time. I’m sure the kids need this just as bad as I do, to see their cousins and grandparents. We needs to be part of something and feel safe and sound again. Our security has been shot. Our peace has been ripped apart but we are on the mend. I have hope for us.
I’ll keep my blog updated with “life”! I’m excited to see where God leads us. I have faith He is hard at work.
How to have confidence my decisions are being made with Gods plans in mind and not my own agenda.
As I have written about in pasted blogs, I’m on a quest to reconnect to my Father Christ. One of the ways that I have been doing this is through reading devotions and Bible Studies on the Bible App
Recently, I finished a few different studies. The first one, titled Make Decisions with Faith and confidence . It was mind blowing just how exact to my life this study was and how much I needed to read every word. It’s amazing how God knows just what we need, when we need it. Every word was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. I’ve said many times how I wish that I could just send a quick email or text to God and get a response right back letting me what to do. Yes, a prayer to God is like sending a text message but most the time the answers don’t come as clear as getting a text back.
The “Try It On” method that the Bible study talks about is such an awesome way to learn how to make choices. This “Try It On” method supports my connection on a clear FM channel verses the static of an AM channel with The Holy Spirit. The “Try It On” method keeps us accountable and keeps us from becoming stagnate in our fear of make a move. We also have to be in-tune with The Holy Spirit, speak the language, have the relationship or “connection”. That’s pretty powerful, I think.
How many times do we question if we’re making the right choice? Or are so scared that we’ll make the wrong decision, that we end up not making any decisions for ourselves at all. I only wish I had read this devotion/Bible Study sooner.
I know I’ve been the victim of my own fears for years! The pressures of worrying that I’ll disappoint others and lead my family down the wrong path. However, when I am sitting in motionless contemplation, purely relying only on my very limited wisdom and over emotional mental state; I’m wasting away! This is just what the enemy wants. He love us to doubt ourselves and to waste away. What decisions are being made when I’m in a holding pattern like that? No progress will ever be made if I am just “thinking” things over all the time? I’m playing right into the enemy’s hands!
Indecision is a decision too and not a good one.
The “Try It On” Method
How to make small steps in a direction and wait on God to speak to you.
The example was perfect, like trying on a shirt before you buy it. You wonder the store looking through the racks of clothes until something catches your eye. Then you find the one you “think” will work and you “Try It On”. You see how it fits, what it looks like on… you decide if this is the right shirt for you to buy. That is pretty much how the “Try It On” process works with everything.
Let try something bigger.
Using the example of moving to the great state of California. 🙄
When we got the news that we were moving to California I started to check out the schools and houses in the area that I thought we might move to. (I of course now would ask WAY more questions than I did before. LESSONS!)
Step 1. As I’m looking for housing -this is me actively taking a step in a direction of moving towards California. I can see that housing is expensive and we can NOT afford to live here on what we make. But I wasn’t listening to God. Next time I will.
Step 2. After we moved toward something, what does it feel like? How rough or smooth is the process going? Do you have a little voice telling anything? I remember I didn’t feel good about moving towards California the whole time it was happening but I pushed on.
I had trouble finding housing, schools for my kids, the packers were awful and they broke all our things. A hundred and one things were going wrong! I had a voice in the back of my head telling me that we shouldn’t do this move but I continued to pushed on. I felt defeated for some reason, like I couldn’t turn back. The worries I had about staying in Minnesota were now much more about leaving there. I wasn’t waiting on God or listening to Him at all.
Step 3. Are you a list person? Do like to write everything out? This is me! List keep me organize and on top of things. What I tend to do when I have a decision to make is write out a Pros and Cons list. This sounds like a reasonable thing to do but what I end up doing is putting all my faith in this list. I’m not listening to God or waiting on Him for direction, only on this piece of paper.
Here’s the reason why the list is wrong.
Sure, it’s good to get your mind calm and organized but not to rely on your list.
I wrote out a Pros and Cons list myself when we were getting ready to move to California. Everything was pointing to Georgia as weird as that sounds. It was loud and clear ( I’ll dive into that later) Here’s an older blog that I wrote when we first started our moving process- Here We Go Again. As much as I was focusing on California everything kept coming back to wait on Georgia (so it felt) but I ignored that.
My list was full of Pros for California and as we now know all our time here has not been good at all. While I was pushing towards California like it was my full time job, ever song was about Georgia, ever TV show, I had friends and friends of friends moving there or had some new connection to Georgia. Pretty soon there were so many things in my ear about Georgia but I wasn’t listening because I was full force to California, even though it felt wrong.
Side note: We later found out that Jason’s mentor and the man who hired him was moved to Georgia as the Zone Manager.
Step 4. Keep making little steps toward a choice while The Holy Spirit directs you which way to step.
Each step I took moving to California was rough and difficult. To say our path was bumping is the understatement of the century. God was clear to us that this was not the right place for us but we made it happen anyway. Now we’re living the consequences for those choices.
Our God is a God of Grace and Mercy. He showed me this time and time again but I wasn’t seeing it. The enemy had control and it makes me sick to think I let that happen.
As I mentioned before I couldn’t find a school that could accommodate my kids needs and this was a struggle for me. There were so many moving part to this relocation and the enemy was good at what he was doing to my mind and heart. I was confused and frustrated! Since I was handling this move all by myself and not leaning on God at all, I felt absolutely responsible for making sure no one was burdened. I wanted to be able to say I was able to do this and made it work. Again the enemy had made me believe that no one believed in me and I wasn’t able.
I received a called from a lady that coordinated our move. I can’t remember her exact title but I remember having a melt down on the phone with her. I was in my car and I had to pull over, I just cried. I told her how difficult this move was becoming and how worried I was about the schools for my kids.
This lady, I believe her name was Pam, was so kind to me on the phone. She made many calls back forth to me for two days and told that although we had already signed our relocation and many thing have already been in motion that we would get one forgiveness. She explained to me that considering everything that I told her, she believes we qualify for that. I didn’t know what to say to her, because Jason was already in California working.
I told her I needed to think about it and I’d call her back. I struggled with what do. I knew with every bone in body I needed to cancel this move but Jason was already in California. He and I barely spook a word to each other, our communication wasn’t great at this point. All I could think about was how disappointment Jason would be that I couldn’t handle this move. I would have failed. I kept replaying Jason firmly speaking to me “If we do this move…Don’t let it come back on me!” Even though I knew I didn’t want this move, I felt like I had to do it now.
I called Pam back and thanked her for all that she had done for me but we were going to move forward. This would end up being some of the worse depression that I have ever been in. Suicidal thoughts, marriage tore apart, kids hanging by a thread, living in an over price house thats failing apart…the list goes on. Jason has his own list of troubles.
Mercies and Grace Never Fail
Although these last ten in a half month were some of most terrible months of my life, coming back from the wreckage I think have made me stronger than ever. It’s weird in a way because I’m still very vulnerable. This is an uphill climb for me but I have never felt more connected, more sure of myself in a long time. That feel so amazing. God isn’t just a God of second chances, He is a God of forgiveness and Love. He came to find His lost. I was one of lost for sure and I’ve been found but still am a work in progress.
At some point I have to arise and go. I have to put a little pressure on the gas petal so God can put my steering wheel to use. At the same time I need to allow the little voice called The Holy spirit to speak to me. When it does, that’s the way the steering wheel should turn.
If I would have listened ten in a half months ago I would have yanked that wheel around! But thankful God is full of Miracles and I truly believe He will turn this very unpleasant venture into something we will end up being very thankful for. I can’t even believe I’m saying that. But With God anything is possible.
Hope you all enjoyed this blog! Thanks for all your comments, LIKES & love along the way! All your encouragement really make a impact as I keep blogging and getting my feet under me!
This Mother’s Day I would definitely describe as sweet and beautiful. Maybe even bittersweet at some points.
I know a lot of effort was put into this Mother’s Day. It was hard to pull it together with our situation. Finances and expenses here in California have been seriously hard to adjust to. Damn near impossible actually! Plus we’re still working on relationships stuff. Not to mention really tighten up the parent reins! We’ve been seriously out of touch as a family with all this other junk going on. All that combine makes for a difficult situation… but not in possible one.
I think what Jason planned, was probably the best for all of us! We all needed to get out of the town for a little while, exploring a new place and kind of getting out of our heads.
Travels north through San Luis Obispo up to Pizmo beach
I have a slight obsession with the orchards. Rows and rows of fruit trees forever! Mostly we see apricot trees but there are tons of orange, lemon, lime, pomegranate, fig and avocado tress too. It’s so awesome!
In Colorado you’re pretty lucky if you get edible apples on your apple tree! To see all these fruits trees for miles is pretty spectacular. And to know that it doesn’t just feed a family, these trees feed tons and tons of people everywhere.
There’s also fields that go on forever of strawberries. 🍓 It’s pretty surprising all the agriculture here. I would’ve never guessed!
I guess I should’ve known that lots of fruits and vegetables come here (Southern California) but in my mind it was all about Hollywood, celebrities and beaches! Not that that isn’t a big part of this place because it is. It’s just that there’s so much more than just that.
Entering The Mountains
It was nice to get a sense of home. Some times I feel like I’m homeless.
There were definitely times that if I didn’t know I was in California, I could’ve sworn I was in Colorado. Maybe there weren’t as many Pine trees everywhere but the beauty was there and even the crazy drivers!
It was a great drive and so much beautiful scenery everywhere. We were surrounded by gorgeous hillsides, mountaintops, trees and other amazing colorful plants. California is truly a beautiful place. I could never deny that.
However I couldn’t help feeling this pain in my chest as we curved through these beautiful roads. I know in my heart that place is tearing my marriage and family apart. This might sound dramatic… I’ve been called worse… but I feel this place the devil in disguise.
Totally mesmerizing us with its bewitching scenery and alluring weather, why would you ever want to leave? I absolutely see why people move here and scramble to make ends meet to live in this place. Sometimes I feel like it’s not real… until I meet some other people. Then reality hits… hard.
I did all that I could to clear my head and stay of out this negative place. All I want and frankly needed, was to be in the moment with my husband and my kids.
Fog and The Hills
The story book like hills of Ojai
The twisty curvy roads are just crazy here! They do make driving interesting. Actually when no one else is on the road trying to push you off the road, it’s really fun to cruise up and down these canyons.
I love how the dense fog would settle into the valleys. The fog was so heavy that it soaked the air. Everything looked so storybook like.
We were able to pull over so I could take a few pictures but it was tricky. Even though these roads were so steep and so curvy people still decided to drive very fast through them. Which made pulling over to take a picture quite dangerous.
It was still pretty amazing watching the land and sky collide.
Farm land and Moo Cows
Santa Maria was a smaller Community as we continue to head north.
We did a quick stop here just to stretch our legs. Even though this was a short stop, I have to admit it was nice to see this place as it reminded me of the small town of Wray CO.
A large part of my family lives there and I miss them so much! Of course Santa Maria wasn’t quite as flat as Wray is but it still sparked a little bit of home for me. It also made me miss it a little more to.
The whole drive gave me time to think about many things. Which triggered me to miss many things as well and that only made me more frustrated!
I started to worry the only way I’d ever get “home” would be for a funeral. This is such a fear of mine. Every time I think about this I only get more and more angry and feel more and more resentful.
I want to explain just one reason why… I have many reasons but here one:
A few months back a close friend our Jason and ours died. This person at one time almost married my sister and was my child Godfather. He was also a childhood friend of my husbands. We sadly had to step away due to very different ways of lives we were all living. Even though we still loved each other.
When this person passed away we both wanted to be there for the funeral, our friends and the family. This was so shocking for all of us.
However as we looked at everything we knew it would be expensive and difficult for both of us to go.
I could have pushed the issue with Jason. I had ever reason to be there too. However, I knew it was important to get Jason there. This would help his mental state and Jason needed his friends in this moment more than I did right then. I needed to sacrifice going to Colorado for him so I did.
I wish that I was given that same courtesy and respect once in awhile. Have time and freedom has been missing from my life since the day we left Colorado and I need time away. Visiting my family and my friend to mentally regroup would do wonders for me. I never get this… I never GOT this.
These are the type of thing that send me down the rabbit hole and I get myself spinning. I started to feel completely trapped, controlled and child-like. Resentment hits me.
This is the bitter-part.
Time for grub and drinks
Finally getting San Luis Obispo and enjoying a cold one! Finally!
First of all I about died when I saw they had a drive-thru movie 🎥 theatre! This was parts of my childhood and it makes me truly sad these theaters are gone! Seeing one that was playing relevant movies made my LIFE! I wish we could have gone! I want to do to this!
The bar and grill, Central Coastal Brewery is actually owned by a guy Jason use to work with. This place is pretty awesome!
The brewery system is truly a sight! There’s a game room that puts all other game rooms to shame! This isn’t a cheesy over top kiddy place, it’s adult style gaming area, with pool tables, shuffleboard and other board games.
There was an outside bar and although I didn’t get to explore the backyard/patio area in depth (due to construction) what I did see was beyond awesome! I definitely could have a good time there!
The bar inside is massive! There were plenty of beers and other mixed drinks to choose from! The atmosphere as a whole is great!
As for the food I only got an appetizer and my son and Jason got burgers. We got 2 hot soft pretzels with mustard and beer cheese and I believe some type of spicy burger. We also had Potnacho… what this is basically is nacho on really crispy potato chips. It was super yummy and now I want to make my nachos this way forever!
We had a good time here!
Change of Plans… Kinda
Beautiful Pismo Beach and an old naked ass…
We drove through Pismo Beach and it was a really nice place. It looked… um… expensive.
We decided to find a place we could hike that my daughter could manage with her lovely cast. (Have I mentioned, she has a broken hand?)
Jason thought we’d try Avila Beach. We have never been and probably won’t go again.
It was a good little hike with kids, especially with it been so hot out that day. Who knew that by the time we got to the beach part we’d be greeted by a warning sign.
I kinda thought it was a joke. We decided to see if we could actually get Grace down to the beach and back up when all the sudden I look over and see the oldest hippie…. a 90 year old man pulling off his pants. My head immediately looks over to Grace! Her eyes are wide open and she looks like she saw a ghost. I grab her a turn around.
It was only a second but it’s burned in my head and I’m sure G’s too. Nude beaches in California? Really!
So out of all the bodies on that beach the 90 year old is the one to strip down…. fabulous! After that we hiked it on out of there and headed back home.
This day road trip was really sweet and I love Jason for giving us all a good day together. He did such a nice thing for all of us.
Even with this very sweet trip and seeing more of just how beautiful California is… I can’t help but feel even more homeless, even more lost.
I know that wasn’t Jason’s intension with this road trip at all, for me to become so deep in thought; but honestly, I think he feels the same way.
We miss our friendships and family. We’ve dead broke here! Happiness is hard to come by. I’ve basically been in turmoil ever since I felt Colorado. Life has been a bitch.
I can name a few good things… it hasn’t been all bad. We did have some good times in Minnesota and made some awesome friends. We have made some great memories together as family. The kids would have never been able to see all the things we have shown them without this crazy life. I’m glad and thankful for all the good moments and even the lessons.
The hard part is what this has done to me mentally. I’ve been broken. It’s crazy how time and experiences can change a person so much you don’t recognize yourself anymore.
Our drive on Mother’s Day gave me so much time to reflect and think. The conclusion for me is I’m sick on feeling homeless and I want to lay down some roots. I miss my sisters and my nieces and nephew. My kids should be able to know their cousins and have good relationships with their grandparents. I miss my parents and I miss Jason’s mom too! We’ve always been pretty close and you know what! Time is passing us by, they’re getting older, we’re getting older and we’re wasting all of this time, just hurting and being broken.
Music has a way to help you heal, escape or take you back… It’s a medicine in a way for the soul and it’s sure done it’s part for me in my life.
I love all different types of music. I respect the art, the hard work, the talent and bravery of putting all your heart and soul into something you love so much and sharing it with the world: taking a chance on others opinions of your craft. It’s awesome to me the journey of it all. I feel the same way about novels. So much time and effort goes in to what we get to enjoy…it’s awesome!
It’s Been Along Time
I’m weird with concerts because I want to hear the music and not be touched by other people. I mean, I like people but not in my personal space and not spilling their beer on me or in my purse.
The type of crowd is important to me because I’m weird with environments and other peoples energy… I know I’m such a nerd.
The Round Up is awesome because it’s great for just about all ages! This was my kids first “real” concert and they had such an amazing time! The music, the crowd, the venders, the food…it all was good! The weather was perfect! It was 80 degrees and nothing but perfect sunshine!
Also did you know that one of Runaway June’s members Grandfather is actually John Wayne? That’s awesome! Talk about real Cowyboy-Country Cred!
Of course the top favorites were, Eli Young Band and Justin Honsinger. These were new Music Bands to my kids and it’s been really awesome seeing my son discover new music. He and my daughter are both learning to play the guitar right now so this whole experience just encouraged them even more!
Those are just a few favorites that have been on repeat now in my truck! Hope you all might enjoy them too!
We were invited by a friend, Jason’s met through work. It’s hard making friends and getting to know people when you move around this much! These people are so nice and sweet for inviting us and they are great with my kids too! I’m really grateful when people take time like this to include us and help us navigate a new place. I hope we can do more with them soon!
Here are just a few pictures of the sunset on the way home. I have to say the California sunset never disappoints. We are blessed with beautiful sunrises and sunsets everyday here,
I hope you enjoyed this blog and don’t forget to HIT that LIKE button and Share!
Here are just a few random pictures that I put together of Beautiful California and some people I love very much! 💕
One of our last nights together in MN @ The Junk Yard
Sunset like this 🧡
I am excited to finally be able to share our visit/vacation and time that we spent with the Anderson family. It was so good to see them and I hope to do a Vegas trip very soon!
I had a million glitches with my computer and my entire brain, Getting this video together and going threw all the pictures was time consuming but then to have my computer turn against me was infuriating! I finally got hours of video and 100s of pictures all edited and pieced together and it’s DONE! Now if this is any good is another thing…
I know this video is far too damn long (please watch it anyway….please) and please HIT that LIKE button! I need validation…. okay! As much as I could careless if people like…like me (not really, I’m lying)…I would still so LOVE a tiny bit of acknowledgment because I find my self-worth through your validation so for crying in the night help a girl out, if you’re reading https://fabricthatmademe.com/ and my watching my Videos HIT the LIKE!
Like, I said before I know the video is crazy long but The Anderson and Kelly family spent 5 days or so together, there was so much to share! We did some pretty cool things in that time!
Blessed beyond words
I wanna say that I am completely aware of how blessed our family is to have these amazing people in our lives. They could go anywhere they wanted, spend their time and money anyway they please but they choose us. I’m beyond thankful and humbled for our friendship.
This is so exciting! Our first friends will be our first visitors here in California! This is our weekend preparing for our friends to visit!
When we moved to Minnesota we knew not a single soul! The day we meet The Anderson Family was life changing for our family. I finally didn’t feel totally alone, the kids had neighborhood friends and Jason could be… well… Jason with other people. They were our first and very best friends in Minnesota and they became family to us.
Soon Our Minnesota peeps will be escaping their below negative temperatures and enjoying our sandy beaches and sunny weather…and our traffic…can’t forget that!
Here are just a few pictures/videos that I took as we explored Oxnard, CA and the channel Islands to look at some Airbnbs.
I did enjoy the relaxing sounds of the ocean. I hope you do too!
Here are some picture from our weekend adventure preparing for friends and enjoying the beach.
While out Looking for a sweet place we celebrated National Pizza Day @ Toppers Pizza
Sail Boats on the Canal in Oxnard, CA
Oxnard Beach, CA
Nice to enjoy the sun after a few rainy day. Oxnard, CA
Tristan and I on the breezy day on the beach.
Take it all it. It’s been it all.
Views goes on forever.
Silly moment. It good to have time to play when life has been so serious for us.
Jason and the kids @ Oxnard beach, CA
G is on a rock collection mission
This was the best
G and Tristan Oxnard Beach
Tristan having some dad time
Ok..G that’s not a rock and it can’t come with us… no
G still hunting for rocks…because…
Look at the smile
I never would have though a plain girl from Aurora, CO would end up here.
My fam <3
Channel Island, CA
Here are a few videos I took of us on the Beach and from our drive as we prepare for friends to visit. Enjoy!
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