Encouragingly Hopeful

Encouragingly Hopeful

 

 

 

It’s been years since I’ve had a real hopeful feeling. Feelings of enjoyment, cheerfulness and being positive have been rare. Any confidence at all has been unusual in my world. I can actually pinpoint the times that I’ve felt that good-happy, optimism magical power!

With that said, the last few weeks I’ve had a twinge of looking forward to the future. The hopefulness I’ve had lately is unusual since the last two months is quite possibly the worst days my family have had yet and if I was going to be feeling any way at all, feeling hopeful would be unlikely but here I am.

    Maybe It’s Him…

Reconnection and trusting have been the best gift.

It hasn’t been easy reconnecting and finding my way back back to fully trusting again. Praying before I fall asleep, devotions with my morning coffee, Bible Studies and listening to music that encourages me to be faithful. Maybe it’s God.

Maybe I’m able to make it through this difficult time because I have my life preserver back. My Faith. Things are still hard. Really hard actually but I just know somehow it’s not going last. We’re right around the corner from sunshine and being able to breath again. I feel it.

B****hes on a Budget…

We’re broke! Jason has a good job and it’s not just a check to check- J.O.B, it’s a good career. I’m working too! We truly shouldn’t have to live this way. Selling our belonging to get groceries and pay our bills is our new normal right now. We have every right to be upset and frustrated at our circumstance. California has been hard for many reasons but one that has hurt the hardest is in our wallets.

Financially we have taken a huge painful hit! Our credit and our savings….it’s in a sad state now and getting caught back up will be tough. Living here has been eye opening in that way, along with others. But yet, I still feel like we will rise from the ashes somehow.

We’ve had to start over before. There was a time in our life that I thought we’d never never stop treading water. Not only did we come back from that terrible time in our life but we were better than ever. Actually we’ve been in that “start over” place a few times before and every time we come back better than we thought we every could be.

 

The Good News…

I have had my deep Faith forever, even in my shaky and unstable younger years. Around 6 years old in my Sunday school classroom was when I learned how to pray and who God is. My Faith and belief in God has never stopped since then.

Only since we made the move to California did I struggle so badly that my faith fell away; I barely noticed, it just drifted away. Believing in the existence of God and the word of The Bible hasn’t chanced for me but I guess following and being purposeful changed for me. I wasn’t seeking Jesus out anymore and if anything I think I may have let the darkness in because of it.

Sometimes, I think being so broken (all the time) is what keeps me searching for God and knowing I can’t find my way through this crazy broken place without Jesus. Quite possibly this season in our life might be guiding not just me but all of us back to Him. My whole family.

Bring It All Together

California to Massachusetts to Texas to Colorado to Tennessee to who knows wheres…

Our family is all over the map. This is a hard thing for me when I have lived more years close to family then not. The crazy thing that I’m trying to get my sensitive mind around is that my parents are going to moving out of Colorado, which is my home State. They are selling the house that I lived in half my life.

I believe we all have our path but I also believe even stronger that God is guiding us where we’re meant to be. He is giving us the opportunity to do better right now.

They reason that I feel this way is because LITERALLY 🤯 everyone in my family has a black rain cloud over their head right now. We’re all walking through a storm of a season right now and it basically has been a few years of a rough ride for all of us. Some more than others.

Absolutely, we all need to do what’s best for our life and our mental, emotional health..whatever it might be. However, I believe that what’s happening right now to all of us is….preparing us, it’s teaching us, and again… He is guiding us for something better.

Although we may not ever live down the street again from each other and have family BBQs every week every again, I do believe our relationships and general happiness in life will improve in ways we can’t even imagine.

 

 

Why Understanding The Seasons Of Life…

How to Stay Positive in Negative Situations

Why Is Family Important

Check out my blog post *Times Goes By

 

XOXO sk

Times Goes By

Goodbye to another year…

 

 

How times just whips by when I think about these babies. They said it would, I didn’t believe them at first. Those first weeks of sleepless nights dragged on into months of 1am dirty diapers, feedings and crying for both of us.  At the times it seemed like it was going to be that way forever.

Like it was yesterday…

Only 4 or 5 short months of marriage, I was pregnant with our first child, Tristan. I remember thinking “How could I actually be pregnant?”-  At 25 years old I still felt so adolescent myself. How could I keep another human alive?

Five pregnancy test later the truth was reviled! On my break from work, in a bathroom stall is where I found out I was indeed going to be a Mom. This wasn’t the way you discover your newfound parenthood in the EPT commercials or in the movies at all but either way my life was about to change forever.

 Our little family…

Our little family was just, Jason, me, Tristan and a black lab named Buddy for 5 years. Tristan was the one and only Grandson and I might add first boy on my side of the family! In a sea of girls, I believe my Dad was over joyed to have a boy, finally! He was and still is in so many ways everyones pride and joy. The first baby we welcomed to the family. Tristan got to experience being an only child for a good chuck of time! Tristan having all the attention for 5 years of his life and then only dealing with “useless” babies after (which all came at the same time), there’s no doubt he reaped every benefit of be the first!

 

I had never loved anyone or anything more in my entire life.

 

Raising my first Child and caring for his every want and need was my full time job, along with working outside of the house. New Mom, new wife, new home-owner …new at being a “real” adult! I was failing a lot.

I gave every ounce of myself to loving this little person and being this new married-person. Tired all the time! Not just sleepy, I mean exhausted! The kind of exhaustion that makes you feel sick in your head and sleeping on a busy highway would be welcoming! That was me for a few years!

Lonely, I did this new parent thing mostly by myself. This was one of the scariest and saddest times I can think of. Although, I have blocked out many details of those years, what I can tell you is those years were not what I had planned for myself or for my child at all.

Lost, I had no clue what I was doing 100% of the time, this hasn’t changed much at all. I had never cared for a baby before and especial the way I feeling. Everyday I was put in some weird situation that I didn’t know how to handle and I just hoped for the best.

I know without any doubt that every scared, fearful and unsure, sleepless moment has been worth it to just have this amazing kid in my life. Strength in this knowledge that I hold on to in my half melted brain and full heart of all I have withstand; I have no hesitation that the next years will be an amazing experience raising and continuing to growing this child into a man.

God has blessed me all the way, even when my eyes were too blurred with tears too see and my heart was too broken to feel it. I may be guessing and praying my way through this parenthood thing but I am loving and growing my kid the best I know how through this crazy world.

Parenthood is Hard…

Parenthood is hard and especial hard with your first child. You really have no clue what things are ahead of you!

The never sleeping (ever again in life), being peed on, popped on, bath time screaming, carseat screaming, I don’t like where the sun is in the sky screaming, screaming for no reason at all and boob pain.! Good Lort…the boob pain! Actually all the pain! My body has changing forever. Goodbye waistline, goodbye toned legs and abs, goodbye brain.

This kid is now a teenage. A smelly, dirty, very expensive and at times hard of hearing teenager. I love’em, even smelly. As a teenage he comes with new things…still much like the infant and toddle years but an older version and maybe not as cute. Still eating large amounts of food and is pretty messy about it!  He still pees everywhere but has improved, it’s at least in the bathroom and not on me anymore! Tristan still has food on his shirt always. I still clean up after him… probably more than I should!

The improvements, he does now shower on his own… when he showers and can be quite handy when I need someone to take out the trash! Tristan is actually terrible strong too! He can lift or move heavy things around the house and even mows the lawn now!  He is helpfully in plenty ways and I am so thankful for that! Plus he makes really good coffee!

He’s the best kid I could ever ask for! Blessed with the best humor, Tristan makes me laugh everyday! Tristan has a fair amount of similarities as me, he love animals and the outdoors. He’s witty and it can comes off as very… very sarcastic. He’s an amazing artist and actually has many talents! Tristan is the kind of smart that the average person wouldn’t understand but like me, he also has trouble believing in himself. I only wish he saw in himself the way that I see him! The way he sees the world is a true gift and I hope he never loses that! Tristan’s an emotional, sensitive and sentimental guy. People that feel that deep have trouble in the world…I know.

Someday he’s going to be the love of some sweet girls life but for now he is mine. He can be bit obsessive like his Dad, just enough that it creates passion in him. The mix of the way he feels the world so deeply and his huge heart, which he gets from his Dad, he’ll be just fine. I have a good one…a smelly one but he’s still pretty awesome!

Where did the time go…

Where did the last 14 years go? What did we do with it? It’s crazy as kids, time seems to drag on forever but once we reach what we thought was going to be “freedom”- our adult life, time passes us by in a blink of an eye. Faster and faster… until one day it’s gone. I want to make the most of the short years we have. It’s gone before we know it.

Tristan

Tristan hold on your young years and enjoy life. Don’t grow up too fast. Enjoy being a kid as long as you can. You’ll have your whole life to work, for now learn to be happy. Find out what’s gonna do that for you. Being a good human is a good place to start and you’ve got that down… don’t lose that deep, caring, old soul of yours.

Always be grateful. Be thankful for the people, the places, the lesson, (yes, even the hard ones), and the memories. Make sure you tell the people you love and appreciate, how much they mean to you. It’s important you don’t assume they already know.  Take care of yourself and others. Remember to keep your faith strong, it’ll get you through anything! You’re a very special person and an amazing talent! Believe in yourself, you have so much to offer. I love you so much buddy.

 

 

 

 Forever ago…

Time is all a blur to me now. I get flashes, maybe bits and pieces of lost memories and I feel guilty that I don’t I have clear memories of passed years. To me without pictures it’s as if our lives never happened at all or maybe it’s all a dream. When I really sit back and I think hard, trying to grab a foggy memory, I get a few wispy reminiscences like breeze blowing by and then it’s gone. The only ones that really stick out to me are the ones of the kids and even those without the pictures would cloudy.

There’s full chunks of time I have completely lost and wonder why? Genuinely, I have block some out as protection for myself or the memories fell out, just wasn’t anymore room in my head.

Some of my most important times in life I have very little recollection of at all. Example, my wedding is super spotty in my mind and without the pictures I would only have a select few memories and not all are very good unfortunately. I have one very important moment and it’s possibly the most important one and not too many people know about it.

Then of course there’s the birth of my first child and I’ve told ya’ll about all I remember about that. I left out a few details but that’s about it. I do however have a few sweet memories that I hold close to my heart that others weren’t ables to tainted with their own selfish wants or demands. Those memories are like movies in mind and I will treasure them forever. I won’t let anyone dirty them. I wish I could remember clearly but maybe as I make peace with some pain and stop allowing myself to be hurt the years will come back?

 

This brings me fast-forward to 2010 and our family of 3 becomes a family of 4 and one black lab.

A wild child…

 

 

I had no idea what kind of free-spirt, wild, handful we were going to get when I became pregnant with my second child. We were about to get a completely different experienced then we had with Tristan… basically everything we thought we knew with Tristan, meant nothing.

Our Family was growing…

In 2010 Gracie…AKA Princess Gigi Buttercup or simply known as G, came in like hurricane and has been rockin’ our world ever since. She didn’t start off that way though, as an infant to about 10 months old; Gracie was a quite and sweet, cuddle baby. I know now she was just taking it all in, waiting for her moment. She was planning…

 

Do ya’ll remember Jack Jack from the Incredibles when his family finds out about all his crazy new superhero powers? Well, that’s Grace! She’s a sweet, funny, smart, nightmare who will knock you out and do your make-up perfectly. What a beautiful mixtures of wind and rain, night and day, a raging storm and a sunny spring day…that’s my girl. God bless the man she marries.

 

Once this kid started talking she never stopped and she continues to chatter way to this very day. For almost 9 years now, she’s been waking up early and happy, sing and dancing every single day. Once she got a taste of life, she’s been full blast ever since. I’m not sure the rest of us will be able to keep up with her.

I wanted to really hold on to the baby and toddled years with her for a few reasons. One reason, was I felt like I rushed through those years with my oldest. I had to work like crazy with my oldest and I did all the parenting alone with Tristan, so I really wanted some relief back then.

The other reason and biggest, was the first year of G’s life, I wasn’t there much. I was sick to point I thought I was dying. I was given adrenaline to keep my heart beating. (I’m convinced my own life is killing me slowly)  -When I say I was sick, I mean seriously the sickest kind of sick! Hospitalized for weeks at a time for over a year while my little girl was trying to figure out the world. I spent so much time away, unable to bond with my new baby.

When at home I carried around a bag of pee because I had a catheter in, super inconvenience when your also holding a baby. I still had to work during this time too… so as you can imagine I wasn’t love’in life!

Honestly, I have very little recollection of 2010-2012. I’m sure it’s a defense mechanism for me. Even now writing about it I’m getting shaky… Shit, I need to get some therapy.

One things I remember, is doing her hair every single day. Sick or not I did her dark beautiful hair everyday. It may not look it here in these pictures but Grace was born with a head full of beautiful jet black hair and the most perfect tanned skin ever. She was so different then my white, reddish haired Tristan. My favorite thing in the world is brushing her beautiful hair to this day .

Having a strong Mother-Daughter bond is so very important to me. We are not in a competition. We’re not besties. Grace and I are something much greater than that and it’s priceless. I did everything in my power to savor every little moment as a Mom of a little girl and I still do. Every chance I got I did what I could to love her my best. Even though she pushes my buttons like no one else can, she’s a rare diamond and I love that about her. It makes me crazy but I love it!

 

 

Gracie

My lil mama, Gigi Buttercup otherwise known as “G”-  Don’t be tamed little girl, always stay wild but don’t think that means you stop listening or caring for what other people think. This means you stay strong, fearless and gracious, kind, loving and patience. Keep doing the hard work, keep learning, fight hard, and explore farther. Don’t let anyone in this world or others ever tell you that you can’t do all these things. You are meant to do great things and I know this because I see you doing them now. Don’t you ever forgive who you are and the higher power who gave you life. And lastly, when life gets tough…and it will, hit your knees and start praying. The answers you need you’ll find in Him. Love you forever G,

 

Now this sassy girl 9 years old… going on 21 most days, is closing one book and opening another. I’m so honored to be apart of it. How the days with her have flown by so fast, before I know it she’ll be off to College. Knowing her she’ll be doing something very unconventional and be amazing at it!  I can’t believe I held this girl in my arms, a tiny baby and now she’s watching make-up tutorials on how to get winged-eyeliner on fleek or Mind Craft videos.

Time goes by…

As the time goes by and I look through these pictures and try to hold on to some good memories, I can’t  help be forced to hold on a little tighter to the present. Yesterday is already gone. Did I use it right and purposeful at all?

Chances are I did not. I’ve spent the last 2 years and 6 months starving for a feeling. A feeling that I’m not even sure I can fully put in to words. I’ve been spending too much time in regrets and wishing so badly I would have done more or at least something different “back then”- We all probably could have done better when we look back at our lives but I am spending far to much time there in the back on my head.

The last few months I have tried to be a bit more mindful of what others are saying around me. I have heard very clearly what’s being said. Some of it’s hurtful, mean, sad and even contradicting but I understand it all. What I find so compelling is we’re not that different in what we feel, what we say and what we don’t say.

The whole time we’ve been desperately missing… no, needing the same things; that feeling of life we couldn’t put a name to (but we need to name it).  All of us have felt alone, abandoned, uncared for and even hated at times. There’s a need to have stability and making a real home, a home that is ours and we can grow in.  With friends and family to be close, a place we belong and won’t have to leave or ever want too. Freedom to make some decision in our own lives without feeling dictated and trapped. We need to feel safe and sound again, happy and joyful. We don’t feel like us anymore because we aren’t us.

The routines of morning coffee outside on Saturday morning, Church and family dinners, Poppy’s smoked Wings! All unplanned family get-togethers, the random calls from Grandma Meg, “Let’s go grazin’ Guys” (code for I’m hungry). Sunday Bronco games and chili in the crock pot in our home! Jason and I miss our Friday night FireBall shot “to a week well done” and a few cold beers as a bonuses on the patio!

Life wasn’t easier then but it wasn’t a mystery either. Of course there were still some up hill battles for sure but we weren’t doing life alone. And whatever this un-named thing is that makes it worth it, well we had… We don’t have it now. Sadly, we wished that life away and we’re paying for it now. That’s a hard painful pill to swallow.

The never knowing and loneliness too much.

Not for nothing…

As painful as this time has been and as mentally jacked up as I am from it, I’ve earned some valuable lessons from it all because this writing thing really is process for me and it help me untie the knot in my mind. Of course, I hate that we had to learn any of this but I hope that possibly going through this and still currently living it- that in away my kids will  learn something too and do better from it. Maybe then they can skip these hard life lesson and just move on to the good stuff.

The lessons for me here are- Be so eternally and utterly thankful for what and who I have in my life that I can’t ever speak one bad word about them because the truth is life can change in a second.

Presence in the moments and living more purposeful.  Once upon a time in my life I was able to practiced this like a pro! I lived it well back then but now I’m not so sure how or when I felt off. But this is something that I need to do better for myself and I need to do better modeling this for others. As I am seeing now these moments as fleeting and I don’t want to look back in anymore regret.

Love hard, I don’t think I have really have loved much of anything for awhile but I have always loved my husband and my kids. However, I haven’t been every lovable. Because of this I’ve had the hardest time praying and reconnecting to God. The most important command that God gives us is to LOVE above everything and I haven’t done this well. I haven’t love even myself well or how could I possible show love to others.

**I didn’t actually do this blog on purpose, it just happened. Putting a close to this school year had me really going through all these past years and realizing how fast they have disappeared. Sure, I have a few not so great memories in the past but now focusing on the good ones made me have me wanting more of them.

 

 

Thanks for reading through and taking the time. Life is a process and I sure am going through mine! 

 

Are You Living On Purpose? https://tonyevans.org/are-you-living-on-purpose/

How to Stay positive: 11 Habits https://www.positivityblog.com/how-to-stay-positive/

Fabricthatmademe.com/Change the Momentum https://fabricthatmademe.com/2019/05/09/change-the-momentum/

Essential oils for relief and peace https://www.doterra.com/US/en/site/skellylou303

xoxo sk

 

Mother’s Day & Perspective 2019

Mother’s Day & Perspective

 

 

 

A Different Type Of Mother’s Day

This Mother’s Day I would definitely describe as sweet and beautiful. Maybe even bittersweet at some points.

I know a lot of effort was put into this Mother’s Day. It was hard to pull it together with our situation. Finances and expenses here in California have been seriously hard to adjust to. Damn near impossible actually! Plus we’re still working on relationships stuff. Not to mention really tighten up the parent reins! We’ve been seriously out of touch as a family with all this other junk going on. All that combine makes for a difficult situation… but not in possible one.

 

 

I think what Jason planned, was probably the best for all of us! We all needed to get out of the town for a little while, exploring a new place and kind of getting out of our heads.

Going North

Travels north through San Luis Obispo up to Pizmo beach

I have a slight obsession with the orchards. Rows and rows of fruit trees forever! Mostly we see apricot trees but there are tons of orange, lemon, lime, pomegranate, fig and avocado tress too. It’s so awesome!

In Colorado you’re pretty lucky if you get edible apples on your apple tree! To see all these fruits trees for miles is pretty spectacular. And to know that it doesn’t just feed a family, these trees feed tons and tons of people everywhere.

There’s also fields that go on forever of strawberries. 🍓 It’s pretty surprising all the agriculture here. I would’ve never guessed!

I guess I should’ve known that lots of fruits and vegetables come here (Southern California) but in my mind it was all about Hollywood, celebrities and beaches! Not that that isn’t a big part of this place because it is. It’s just that there’s so much more than just that.

Entering The Mountains

It was nice to get a sense of home. Some times I feel like I’m homeless.

There were definitely times that if I didn’t know I was in California, I could’ve sworn I was in Colorado. Maybe there weren’t as many Pine trees everywhere but the beauty was there and even the crazy drivers!

It was a great drive and so much beautiful scenery everywhere. We were surrounded by gorgeous hillsides, mountaintops, trees and other amazing colorful plants. California is truly a beautiful place. I could never deny that.

However I couldn’t help feeling this pain in my chest as we curved through these beautiful roads. I know in my heart that place is tearing my marriage and family apart. This might sound dramatic… I’ve been called worse… but I feel this place the devil in disguise.

Totally mesmerizing us with its bewitching scenery and alluring weather, why would you ever want to leave? I absolutely see why people move here and scramble to make ends meet to live in this place. Sometimes I feel like it’s not real… until I meet some other people. Then reality hits… hard.

I did all that I could to clear my head and stay of out this negative place. All I want and frankly needed, was to be in the moment with my husband and my kids.

Fog and The Hills

The story book like hills of Ojai

The twisty curvy roads are just crazy here! They do make driving interesting. Actually when no one else is on the road trying to push you off the road, it’s really fun to cruise up and down these canyons.

I love how the dense fog would settle into the valleys. The fog was so heavy that it soaked the air. Everything looked so storybook like.

We were able to pull over so I could take a few pictures but it was tricky. Even though these roads were so steep and so curvy people still decided to drive very fast through them. Which made pulling over to take a picture quite dangerous.

It was still pretty amazing watching the land and sky collide.

Farm land and Moo Cows

Santa Maria was a smaller Community as we continue to head north.

We did a quick stop here just to stretch our legs. Even though this was a short stop, I have to admit it was nice to see this place as it reminded me of the small town of Wray CO.

A large part of my family lives there and I miss them so much! Of course Santa Maria wasn’t quite as flat as Wray is but it still sparked a little bit of home for me. It also made me miss it a little more to.

The whole drive gave me time to think about many things. Which triggered me to miss many things as well and that only made me more frustrated!

I started to worry the only way I’d ever get “home” would be for a funeral. This is such a fear of mine. Every time I think about this I only get more and more angry and feel more and more resentful.

I want to explain just one reason why… I have many reasons but here one:

A few months back a close friend our Jason and ours died. This person at one time almost married my sister and was my child Godfather. He was also a childhood friend of my husbands. We sadly had to step away due to very different ways of lives we were all living. Even though we still loved each other.

When this person passed away we both wanted to be there for the funeral, our friends and the family. This was so shocking for all of us.

However as we looked at everything we knew it would be expensive and difficult for both of us to go.

I could have pushed the issue with Jason. I had ever reason to be there too. However, I knew it was important to get Jason there. This would help his mental state and Jason needed his friends in this moment more than I did right then. I needed to sacrifice  going to Colorado for him so I did.

I wish that I was given that same courtesy and respect once in awhile. Have time and freedom has been missing from my life since the day we left Colorado and I need time away. Visiting my family and my friend to mentally regroup would do wonders for me. I never get this… I never GOT this.

These are the type of thing that send me down the rabbit hole and I get myself spinning. I started to feel completely trapped, controlled and child-like. Resentment hits me.

This is the bitter-part.

Time for grub and drinks

Finally getting San Luis Obispo and enjoying a cold one! Finally!

First of all I about died when I saw they had a drive-thru movie 🎥 theatre! This was parts of my childhood and it makes me truly sad these theaters are gone! Seeing one that was playing relevant movies made my LIFE! I wish we could have gone! I want to do to this!

The bar and grill, Central Coastal Brewery is actually owned by a guy Jason use to work with. This place is pretty awesome!

The brewery system is truly a sight! There’s a game room that puts all other game rooms to shame! This isn’t a cheesy over top kiddy place, it’s adult style gaming area, with pool tables, shuffleboard and other board games.

There was an outside bar and although I didn’t get to explore the backyard/patio area in depth (due to construction) what I did see was beyond awesome! I definitely could have a good time there!

The bar inside is massive! There were plenty of beers and other mixed drinks to choose from! The atmosphere as a whole is great!

As for the food I only got an appetizer and my son and Jason got burgers. We got 2 hot soft pretzels with mustard and beer cheese and I believe some type of spicy burger. We also had Potnacho… what this is basically is nacho on really crispy potato chips. It was super yummy and now I want to make my nachos this way forever!

We had a good time here!

Change of Plans… Kinda

Beautiful Pismo Beach and an old naked ass…

We drove through Pismo Beach and it was a really nice place. It looked… um… expensive.

We decided to find a place we could hike that my daughter could manage with her lovely cast. (Have I mentioned, she has a broken hand?)

Jason thought we’d try Avila Beach. We have never been and probably won’t go again.

It was a good little hike with kids, especially with it been so hot out that day. Who knew that by the time we got to the beach part we’d be greeted by a warning sign.

I kinda thought it was a joke. We decided to see if we could actually get Grace down to the beach and back up when all the sudden I look over and see the oldest hippie…. a 90 year old man pulling off his pants. My head immediately looks over to Grace! Her eyes are wide open and she looks like she saw a ghost. I grab her a turn around.

It was only a second but it’s burned in my head and I’m sure G’s too. Nude beaches in California? Really!

So out of all the bodies on that beach the 90 year old is the one to strip down…. fabulous! After that we hiked it on out of there and headed back home.

 

 

Conclusion

This day road trip was really sweet and I love Jason for giving us all a good day together. He did such a nice thing for all of us.

Even with this very sweet trip and seeing more of just how beautiful California is… I can’t help but feel even more homeless, even more lost.

I know that wasn’t Jason’s intension with this road trip at all, for me to become so deep in thought; but honestly, I think he feels the same way.

We miss our friendships and family. We’ve dead broke here! Happiness is hard to come by. I’ve basically been in turmoil ever since I felt Colorado. Life has been a bitch.

I can name a few good things… it hasn’t been all bad. We did have some good times in Minnesota and made some awesome friends. We have made some great memories together as family. The kids would have never been able to see all the things we have shown them without this crazy life. I’m glad and thankful for all the good moments and even the lessons.

The hard part is what this has done to me mentally. I’ve been broken. It’s crazy how time and experiences can change a person so much you don’t recognize yourself anymore.

Our drive on Mother’s Day gave me so much time to reflect and think. The conclusion for me is I’m sick on feeling homeless and I want to lay down some roots. I miss my sisters and my nieces and nephew. My kids should be able to know their cousins and have good relationships with their grandparents. I miss my parents and I miss Jason’s mom too! We’ve always been pretty close and you know what! Time is passing us by, they’re getting older, we’re getting older and we’re wasting all of this time, just hurting and being broken.

I need to make a plan to fix all this.

Taken It For Regret

http://Pismo Beach, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pismo_Beach,_California

http://Avil Beach, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avila_Beach,_California

xoxo sk