I went to a party, Mom. I remember what you said. You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead.
I felt really proud, Mom, the way you said I would. I didn’t drink and drive, Mom, even though the others did.
I know I did the right thing, Mom. I know you’re always right. Now the party’s finally ending, Mom, as everyone drives out of sight.
As I get into my car, Mom, I know I’d get home in one piece. Because of the way you raised me, Mom, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled onto the road. The other car didn’t see me, Mom, and hit me like a load.
As I lie on the pavement, Mom, I wish you’d get here soon. How come it happened to me, Mom? My life bust like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom; most of it is mine. I heard the paramedic say, Mom, I’d be dead quickly.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn’t drink. It was the others, Mom, the others didn’t think.
He didn’t know where he was going, Mom; he was probably at the same party as I. The only difference is, Mom, he drank, and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life. I’m feeling sharp pains now, Mom, like a knife.
I’m lying here dying, Mom, while all he can do is stare.
Tell my brothers not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave. And when I get to heaven, Mom write, “Daddy’s girl” on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive. If only they had taken the time, Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I’m becoming very scared. Please don’t cry for me, Mom, because you were there when I needed you.
I have one more question, Mom, before I say goodbye. Mom, I never drink, so why am I to die?
This is the end, Mom. I wish I could look you in the eye to say these final words, Mom.
I love you and goodbye.
I’ll Miss You forever…
But in May, it hurts more…
Every Memorial Weekend, the memories hit me as if it happened only yesterday. My world stopped, and I was frozen in time, but time didn’t stop. I was so pissed that everyone else in the world just kept living their life when hers had stopped; time kept moving. My world had changed so drastically. Nothing felt real to me.
I didn’t want to do anything, not make a single move. There was no reason to make future plans. My head was fuzzy, and I couldn’t think straight. To me, all my dreams were now smeared with ugly dingy watercolors. There was no light, no color, no joy. I was living in this strange state of asleep and awake but could not truly do either. Just a hollow person, awake on the outside but in some state of coma on the inside. Numb.
Part of me wanted to just die with her. This world was too heavy without her. I felt such guilt for feeling that way. Feeling like I could cause my parents this pain. Cause my whole family more anguish. I wanted to go back in time and change the nightmare that we were living. I kept hoping and praying to dear God that she’d drive up in her teal Chevy Cavalier and explain this terrible misunderstanding. If only it was a mistake and she didn’t leave us.
I begged God that none of this was real. Wake us from this nightmare.
Over the months, I had to face the facts, it was real, but it hurt too much to believe. I decided to believe she was busy with her life as we had been in high school. Denial was all I could do, not totally lose myself.
Still, as the year anniversary came and went, I found myself lost anyway. Deeper and deeper, I sink into depression. Drinking till I have no feeling left. I was struggling to maintain a normal life. Failing my classes, being unable to sleep without medication, being awoken by nightmares, and feeling totally abandoned, I made one bad decision after another. I am sure that I disappointed many people during this time in my life. Looking back on this time, it breaks my heart for that sad, lonely girl I was.
I rarely tell anyone this, but Kristy did visit me a few times in my dreams. She would guide me back from my panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and my self-demise. Over and over again, she would come, and every time I’d be so thankful to see her face. I tried to look at her closely, paying attention to every detail. Cherishing every moment I had with her.
She never looked like how you’d expect. She was young, very young. Like our most playful and innocent days. Blonde hair, untamed and free, cotton shorts and tank top, which she’d never worn as a young adult. She hated to wear shorts. She would sweat it out in the hot Wray sun. But in my dreams, she was a young child, maybe 7 years old. Playful, relaxed, riding her bike with no worries and happy. She was full of life, joyful.
Her joy was uplifting and always soothed my nerves. She didn’t speak much in my dreams, but it meant something when she would. In one dream, she told me to go to church because I would need it someday and that God was real. She told me to “stand up” a few times and that it meant everything to be able to stand up frim. She told me to protect myself from snakes. I’m sure that one had a few meanings.
In the last dream I saw her, she ran toward the sun, saying “Goodbye, Sarah.” I chased her, but she never turned around to look at me, only waved her hand. I was trying so hard not to let her get away and get that last glimpse of her, but the sun was so bright. Before I knew it, she was into the sun and gone. I woke up missing her all over, brokenhearted because I knew she wasn’t coming back to see me again. Kristi had been guiding and protecting me for a long time. I’ve needed it and am so thankful for it.
Now I’ve circled the sun again. Another year with her not physically here. It hurts just the same. It’s now been something like 22 years… is the math right? Can that be? I feel like you were ripped from my life only yesterday.
Although my life did not stop, it did stall out. I had remorse for being alive but also for not doing anything with my life. I knew it hurt my aunt to see Kristi’s friends and her own nieces living their lives and knowing she could not do these things with her daughter. I understood. I felt that guilt myself. It was hard for me to plan a wedding, buy a house, finish school, have children… I had guilt over it, but I also felt terrible to not make something with the life I have.
Even in our pain, God has a way to move and shake us. Sometimes to move us, it’s gentle and slight, and other times it’s a swift kick in the ass, and I got both… a few times.
I married and held a small metal angel in my hand to represent Kristi being with me. I had my first child, my son, and put an angel in his diaper bag to protect him everywhere he went. We bought a house and put her picture up. I tell her story and made sure my son would know her well. I had a second child; my daughter put an angel in her bag, gave her a special “Gracie D” to put up in her room, and told her about this amazing person who changed my life. Her story and what she meant to my life are well-known in my house. Her pictures come with us in every house we have owned.
My family knows how I feel every Memorial weekend and where my heart goes. That I get sad and quiet. I reflect on the good times and remember that day when everything stopped in my world. But also how very grateful I am for having such a beautiful, amazing person in my life. They know my fears of traveling on the holidays. I just don’t like to do it. They know how important family is to me and the treatment and respect we give each other because you never know when one of us can be called home.
I dedicate this post to you, my sweet, amazing cousin, sister, my friend. Your humor, your ambition, your drive, and your joy for life was never lost on me. You inspired me to be stronger and keep pushing even when I think I have nothing left to give… give a little more. Thank you for challenging me to step out of my comfort zone, try new things, meet new people, and stand up! I have the voice I have today because of you. I am who I am today because of you, and will forever be eternally grateful. I miss you forever.
2 thoughts on “The Day My World Stopped| Every May It Hits A Little Harder”
Well said… I’m sorry for your loss 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautiful and sad, thank you for sharing. Hang in there! Blessings!
LikeLiked by 1 person