Journal Post Life on my side of the map
I am in a strange place. Waiting.
Waiting sucks, but I’m reminded how much growth and discovery happens this season.
I still am in the waiting season (right now)- even if I’ve finally discovered that is where I am. I’ve located it myself, which is excellent. I am not lost and floating around in space anymore! Yay! It is the first step to escaping this anxiety and the crying room.., aka my closest. Truthfully, I’m in such a state that I haven’t been able to form tears. That’s never good; I can’t even cry.
Have you ever wanted to cry, knowing how needed that release is but can’t even get a tear to form? I am there. I can not cry. I am too stressed. Too annoyed. Too exhausted and too sick of repeating history to cry over this again. So as much as I think the release is needed for my mind and body… it’s not happening.
While in this paralyzing state of waiting, something has come to my ears repeatedly. I see it multiple times, knowing God is trying to get my attention. He is doing His best to hold me still for a reason. Maybe I am just a really slow learner. Repeatedly, in a few different ways, I’ve been told to slow down, be patient, and let go of control, but, most of all, to keep my faith.
What I am going through won’t be healed and better quickly. These things don’t happen overnight or even over a weekend. Like planting a seed, we must care for it, give it plenty of time, and wait for it to bloom. I must stay in faith with care and trust, and harvest will come.
It’s a time that is uncomfortable for me. I’m shaky, and tears could flow, but I’m so busy being everything for everyone while standing in quicksand. I don’t feel secure holding the world on my shoulders. I might look fine on the outside like I have it together, but on the inside, I am trembling. Being pushed and pulled every second with little rest to recuperate.
Simply said, I am ONLY holding it together because of GOD. My prayers get me through.
As I try everything I can to solve all my problems, I am only sinking deeper into depression and anxiety, and my troubles grow. My worry and stress increase and I fall farther and farther into despair. I want to do the right thing, but I am only getting worse.
I want to rest. I want to do… be productive. I want to be joyful, and I am grateful. I want health and happiness. I need it. But I think I am missing it.
My life changes when I give up what I “think” is needed for my life to seek out my real needs for my soul. I do this by giving up distractions and the busyness that the world puts on me; I gain a closeness that sets me straight for what my mind, soul, and body actually need. God is the creator of heaven and earth. My Father and Savior. The Only One who can save my weary and worn-out heart from all this madness Jesus.
By giving up, I gain.
I wrote about this a few days ago… That I have been fasting on social media. It’s been 21 days without it, and I feel better.
I am not healed or cured of all my troubles, nor will I ever be, but my anxiety and depression have lessened since I have taken a break from the junk in my life. I still complain, but I’m better at stopping myself and finding that silver lining. I MAKE TIME to be with my Creator, and I have to say nothing has brought me back together like Jesus. Nothing has given me rest, protection, and clarity like time with Him.
Who knew my time of brokenness would bring me such intimacy with my Father in Heaven. He knew.
Since fasting and making more time for God’s word and discernment, I have slowly felt a change in myself.
First, I want to talk about what my worship has looked like because it’s different… I do what many do on Sundays and attend church with my family. I am fortunate to have an excellent Pastor who speaks passionately. He doesn’t care if you like it or not. It’s not about being loved by the people, it’s about God’s word through and through, and I love that.
It’s been such an eye-opening journey for me to go through the Bible with him, see all the places I have already been to, and visit them now. I have always liked to make notes in my Bible, whether in service or at Bible study. I love it because you reread it years later, and it’s eye-opening! Seeing the sacred journey I’ve been on with God is incredible!
I also Worship by having a Devotional time. This is a time every morning when I am getting ready for work. I read through a few different devotions. I highlight verses and then save various passages that resonate with me. My Bible notes that are held on my phone go back years! I love going back and looking at the different quotes and scriptures that moved me at the time.
I connect with friends on here, too, and it’s a great place and time to get myself right before starting my day. If I am honest, it’s helpful, but I still am struggling. I need more than this.
I think of it like having a headache and taking Tylenol in the morning, and it helps, but by noon I feel like crap again. So I have to take more. Some days I do my worship time, and I still feel crappy all day. I don’t know why! It’s on these days I struggle the hardest, and all the frustration runs through me like a hot wave.
But even on those tough days, I don’t stop. I just pray harder. I seek Him out more in all places. I sit outside and look up at the clouds. I listen to music and write, read, and sometimes I sit in my dark closet and try to cry. Because I know that nothing will ease my troubles like God will. That is a fact. It’s been proven.
I am still working at the Elementary School in the office. It’s busy, and for the most part, I enjoy my job. I like my job. I even think I am good at work, even with all the bombs and obstacles thrown at me.
Actually, some pretty mean things get said to me daily. I try to act like it doesn’t both me, but it does. I am told about other places I should work and how to apply elsewhere… I should go somewhere else. I was told about another wonderful office person that was hired around the same time as me at a different school and how jealous my office was. They wanted him over me.*To be fair, only one repeatedly made this comment, but I heard it more than once. I am also told my job doesn’t matter all the time by many people. Yet I do far more than support everyone in my position. I do their jobs plus mine! It’s frustrating!
Also, I have been sabotaged to make mistakes by being given the wrong information *by one person. It’s like this person wants me to fail and wants to get me out. I am made to feel like I am nothing but also everything simultaneously. I hate being in this situation.
I am not saying I do everything perfectly. I am still learning, but do a damn good job, especially since I get thrown under the bus often. I am alone in war, and somehow I survive it every day. Not all of my co-works are nasty to me, but I am still alone. I like pretty much everyone, but still… I am alone when it comes down to it. I am an outsider, and that is where they will keep me no matter what I do. Story of my life.
So work has been challenging. As much as I enjoy what I do for work, I don’t like being shit on daily. I don’t enjoy doing everyone’s job plus my own and being paid less than a 12-year babysitter! I really hate the rude comments in my office and being a doormat. This is not what I thought I would be doing at 40!
The issue is that everyone thinks their job is the most critical and challenging; everyone else is nothing. There’s an ego problem. No one considers anyone else. There’s a training problem; some people may be in the wrong positions.
But who am I to say… I am just an ant. I just do what I am told, am pissed about it, collect my tiny insult of a check, and wonder what I am doing.
I wake up every morning at 4am. I stretch and meditate. Pray, do my devotions, and drink coffee while I prepare for work. I pack my lunch and 3 different caffeinated drinks to keep me going. On my way to work, I pray for my family and that God will get through the day. That He will give me peace. Some days I get it; some days, I don’t.
Then I text both my kids, letting them know I love them, to be safe, and everything they need to know for the day. The rest of the drive, I listen to music very loudly and prepare myself for the day I am about to experience. Which I am usually already stressed about.
When I walk into the office, I usually have a kid or two waiting for me, a pile of papers, or a few emails that need me… I get started right away. There is never settle time. I just get to work before the teachers or the other office team start on me with demands! I am basically everyone’s assistant.
March was basically me being everyone punching bag, me wondering how to make it better and then, if ever, I could escape this to anything better or if this is as good as it gets for me. Because, with all that work crap, I have home and family junk too. Like I said, I am in quicksand.
I went to a place to give my plasma and was there for over 3 hours because it was my first time; they have to make sure you’re safe to share, but also I have seizures and take medication for them. They had to stop and check me many times and take samples of blood over and over. I know they were just being safe, but I didn’t get home till very late, and this was after an already very long, shitty day at work. It was not worth it all.
I know it was for a good cause, but I needed to get some extra money. It’s not that I’m broke, but I am making much less than I was, and my kid is in a place of additional expense. So in my mind, I thought I would be doing something good and get paid well for it… honestly, better than my job pays me. But I had some side effects. My arms, hands, fingers, and chest were tingly and achy. My arm would go numb but in a weird achy thumbing way. Then the … wow, bruise! So that was it for me. I don’t need to look like a drug attic too.
Now add racing back and forth from work to pick up my daughter from school, make her something to eat, start dinner, get her ready for volleyball, run her back to school for practice, and then haul ass back home to finish dinner. Then eat and clean it fast, race back to her school to pick her up, come home to do homework, shower, and goes off to bed. We seriously do not even have time to speak to each other.
I wake back up and 4am and do it all over again. It’s exhausting, and I’m treated like shit all day, so that’s nice.
It continues on and on. The demand and lack of support at work. The hustle and bustle of home and lack of help. My whole over health is plain sad. There’s a lack of respect in all areas of my life… I need help and direction.
As I mentioned before, I decided to fast from social media. Click here to read my post on this: https://fabricthatmademe.com/2023/04/10/https://fabricthatmademe.com/2023/04/10/fasting-for-peace/fasting-for-peace/
This has helped my anxious heart calm down and be the positive person I am. To back it up a second, I am, at heart, a very positive person, and it has saddened me that this part of me has been hard to find lately. I want to be a person who is light and brings joy to people’s day. I like that back. Slowly this part of me is coming back. I was even able to fall asleep in my closet one evening and woke up with dried tears, so I was subconsciously finding a way to cry.. subconsciously, I was releasing the stress. My nightmares have become less. Now I have maybe 1 or 2 a week. I know that is still not great, but it is better. Fewer nightmares mean I am getting a bit more sleep than I was.
I am still trying to figure out how to get out of this rut of negative feelings about work, with different relationships and the schedule and pressures I have on me, and be at peace with how things are.
I feel so uneasy, though. I think it’s because I am not supposed to be okay with this. I should NOT be dealing with inadequate pay and bad behavior. I should NOT have the responsibility I have with a lack of appreciation and support. I should NOT have to watch my house be disrespected and beg for help. I should NOT be so exhausted from one crappy week after the next that I can’t even enjoy my weekend because I am recovering. I should NOT have to expect it and just be okay with it, but I am right now.
What to come
Who knows y’all. I have brought a journal about writing out things I am grateful for. I am connected to my life coach, but she’s not great… I need a new one. I am praying all time and keeping the faith. I know God has a plan.
It’s hard not to know what it is and to just have to trust there is a plan. To be able to arise and go and trust God is directing me as I go. It’s scary and even frustrating. I do have faith. I am still a pain in the ass. I am flawed beyond, and I am sure God shakes his head at me. I am messed up and worried, but I am here for God’s will, not mine… even when I am a puddle on the floor.
I trust I will get through this weird, waiting, struggling season. I will be able to look back, and it will make sense. I know it will happen. I can’t wait till that day.
The plan for me is to be the best mom I can be. The best wife I can be. Work hard even when it’s tough and uncomfortable. And keep an eye out for God’s signs for my next play… I am ready.
That’s a wrap
If you made it all the way through, thanks for sticking around… you’re a real one! I’ll get back to “real” writing one day. I hope. Fingers crossed. I hope one day my life will let me. Love y’all.
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