A while back, I posted on my Something Blue page about my devotions https://somethingblue.blog/2023/02/05/hush-now/ and some questions that were stirring in me. I wanted to post all those questions here; maybe a few will reach you.
We are always learning, growing, and developing. At least, we should be. Doing our own inventory, keeping grounded and humble. I have been in a place of self-reflection for a while and feel like God is trying to direct me.
I understand that we can all fall short in this area at times. I know I do and feel like I am currently. This is why I never forget to stay in God’s word and to remember who and what I need to focus on. Although I would be lying to you if I said this season in my life being still God hasn’t been more challenging for me than I thought it would. I have felt more confused about my calling and how to love.
Self-awareness is essential; this involves accountability and reflection on one’s life. It’s not an easy process, and it never stops. But when you make this a habit and are honest, you can make the changes needed to better yourself and, even more importantly, forgive yourself.
This practice is so hard for me. One reason is that I hold myself to high standards. I must remember that not everyone loves like I do, works like me, and parents like me. Not everyone sees or thinks like me, and as hard as it is for me to admit it, this doesn’t make them undeserving of love. I know that in my heart, but I still have to stop seeing them as bad people.
I know this makes me sound like a terrible person. I don’t judge people like it sounds. However, I do consider how a person behaves, what they say and do, and my history with them and form an opinion. I think everyone does that.
When a person turns out to be no good for me, I distance myself and try my best to distance my family… everyone I love from the “said” no-good person. To me, this is just having good boundaries. However, I will admit I do take it too far. My heart hardens from them. I have no love for them over time and become numb. They are dead me.
It’s hard to remember that it is not my job to repay the person for the bad behavior. That God is doing it. He will handle it. Evil does have consequences, but sometimes living in this world and being treated so poorly at times, it’s easy to feel like they get away with it all.
Lessons and learning. Growth and understanding. Grace and Mercy. These things exist, and forgiveness is real for me and even those that hurt us. Those who have hurt and wronged me. I just don’t know if I have fully forgiven the ones who HAVE hurt me. Because I am still scared, still worried, and still holding my hands up to protect myself. It’s clear I do NOT feel safe. I am still thinking about the pain of the past and what could and will most likely happen again. I don’t want to be a fool.
To know LOVE, I need to accept God’s love. To be able to receive love, I need to be able to love others well. I know how badly I need to work on this. I love MY people with EVERYTHING, but outside of them, I don’t enjoy people a lot… Especially if they have given me a reason to dislike them. I’m struggling to love the hard-to-love. But if I am going to be REAL honest, I know at times I am that hard-to-love person too. Because I do not attach to people and can be over it really fast. Being such an emotionally empathic person, I know this seems strange. I guess when someone wrongs me deeply, I am done forever, and I move on… bye. Unless you are in my circle, and that circle is tiny. I will fight for people in the circle.
I am in a never-ending battle to stay on God’s path. I want nothing more than to grow more and more into the purpose He wants for me. I want my focus to be on God and His love. When the world and some of these hard-to-love people come at me with hate, I need God’s love and His patience. The kind that He keeps giving me.
I will never stop enduring challenging and painful situations as I become more and more aware and confident of God’s purpose for me. I can feel it now. But every step I make brings me closest to Him… and that’s all I want. He is the LOVE and the PEACE that I seek for myself and what I want to give out.
Salvation. Everlasting peace and love. Serenity. My home.
Meditate On This
• What is an area you tend to be prideful in?
A- My parenting. Yet simultaneously, I always beat myself up over not being good enough! I am the parent I needed when I was a child, or I try to be. I am encouraging and involved in my kids’ lives. My husband and I have talked so much about our childhoods, and we haven’t repeated many things with our children. I think I am a better parent than my mom and my husband’s mother. I know that sounds terrible to say out loud. But this is what I have been prideful about ( I’m being painfully honest). I understand we all are doing our best, and if given that choice, we might do some things differently. However, I do believe, at least with my own mother, she was young and struggling with identity issues as a young mother. Especially after a loss of a child. Back in the 1980’s therapy was what it is today. She needed help and did not get it. At the time, she thought she was doing the right thing in the worse situation of her life, and I feel for her.
• How does walking in humility magnify God in your life?
• What is one thing you can do today to submit to God by walking in humility?
A- Speaking in truth and love, know that not everyone will like or love you, and that’s okay. Accept who I am whether people like it or not. I still will do my best to be a kind person either way. I will struggle with this, but I won’t stop trying. I will check myself and expect myself! Ask forgiveness when I misstep, receive God’s love first-which is every day, and give fiveness and love when others hurt me. I know I will struggle… I have to be okay with that.
• Do you see and treat others through the lens of God’s love?
A- Honestly… NO… but I do really try to. I try to return and say I am sorry when I am wrong. I do own my wrongs, and I do try to do better when I know better. But I have work to do as well. I hold grudges and don’t want my circle to ever grow too big. I have thick walls, and they are hard to get through. I know this.
• In what ways do you need to recognize God’s love for you?
A- I am forgiven. He doesn’t hold count of all my sins. He loves me perfectly and unconditionally. It is hard to know and feel this when the world and people are so mean, but He gives me rest. A sweet and understanding husband. Beautiful children, good people who see and get me… a breeze when I need it. He lets me know He is never gone. I’m not alone in this mean world. He reminds me that I am what will change the world and make it better.
• How can you extend God’s unconditional love to the people around you?
• What is God speaking to you about taming your tongue?
• What does inviting the Holy Spirit into your language look like?
• How can you re-present God to those around you through your speech?
• What practical step can you take to increase your spiritual hunger for the Lord?
• What has God taught you about spiritual hunger?
• How can walking in a Godly community help cultivate and grow your spiritual hunger?
• Where do you need divine direction and guidance today?
A- I have been really struggling here. My primary purpose in this world is to be a mother and wife. The second is to write and make things… I am meant to create. Whether that is life, home, or art, I know I need to create. I am working outside the house currently, and it’s pulling me away from my home, family, and creating. I don’t know what to do because I feel like I need to be at work but don’t feel called there, even if I feel loyal to them. I’ve been praying over this. We are struggling as a household right now because I am not following my purpose.
• How do you hear from God?
A- sometimes, it’s in my dreams, and other times in the world. I will hear things repeated to me over and over through people, Bible verses, worship music, and conversations. This is how I know God is trying to get Something through to me. As weird as it might sound, I feel Him in the breeze. This is why I need an outside area to work to write, the sky, the trees, the water… I feel like he speaks to me this way.
• How can you incorporate prayer and intentional time with God into your day to cultivate a lifestyle of relying on God for direction?
• What is a specific area in your life that you need the help of the Holy Spirit?
A- Where do you want me to go? Am I serving my family the way I should be? Am I following my calling in the way You have designed me? I know my life will never be easy, but it can be joyful if I follow You, so grab hold of me, Lord, and show me where to go.
• In what ways is the Holy Spirit speaking to you?
I hope you find some of these questions helpful and that they grow you. That they bring you closer to the Holy Spirit living inside you.
I decided to answer only a few of them but feel the answer on your own, share in the comments, or email me if you want. fabricthatmademe@gmail.com
Which question grabbed you? Hope to hear back!
SK
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