Scared to mess up so I fall into inaction… that’s a choice I make time and time again, too paralyzed to move one way or another. I delay my decision by picking indecision. It all results in depression. The unknown, the fear of a mistake, judgment, and blame lead to more procreation. With the amount of pressure to lead, to hold a brave face when inside I lack direction. I try to please others while I crush my own spirit over and over. I am unsure and lost. I float in space waiting for someone to pull me back, to save me from myself. I have these amazing obligations and blessings but what am called to? Why do I waver? Is there no compromise between duty and joy for me? Will it always be about responsibility and pain? Will I ever find that sweet spot? Should I fit in or stand out? Will I ever stop the search for a home where I am welcomed and loved? The never-ending decisions we face may never end but maybe one day an arrangement will knock on my door and feel like a warm hug. Maybe God pushes me to fight harder to speak up and louder? I am still learning and growing. There’s so much I don’t understand and so many decisions, I don’t know how to make. Life was never meant to be easy, I know. So I thank GOD for blessing me with His spirit of peace as I walk through these fires and continue to face these hard decisions. I will rest assured I am never alone.
** This is part of my Editorial Calendar Exercise from my Intro to blogging course. I have three posts that are scheduled to live this week, This is POST TWO.