Ever feel like you’re walking around with a blindfold on? Maybe that’s a bad example. Have you felt like you were trapped, restricted, isolated, or lost? Of course, you have. Most of us have dealt with some pretty heavy restrictions and are still dealing with them. But that is still not what I am talking about.
I’m talking about being held back. When you can feel your Will being twisted and tortured, your light being snuffed out. When your purpose is as meanless as a fruit fly’s lifespan. You just go through the motions to keep the peace but inside you are dead, you’re rotting away. a smelly decaying blob of yuck. Nothing.
Don’t worry. I am not writing this to say that I feel this way. Although I do know this feeling all too well. I wish to say it was foreign to me but sadly; I know what is like to go far past hating yourself to a place indifferent. To not care, to not hate, to be nothing but an empty black hole is far worse than having the energy to actually hate yourself. That is the scariest place to be.
So why to write of such a terrible place, a most agonizing time in my life, a feeling I know so very well?
It’s important to remember. To know how terrifying, how dark and lonely that demon-infested place was. How hard it was to escape and the scares that were left behind, so that I will never return.
The enemy is a tricky SOB and will use any and all trick in the book to get what he wants. He will use people, places, and the softest places in my heart to blend and try to break me. He will use my past pain, damage, and easier places in my history, where I am sensitive and most vulnerable to cut me and break me down,
I know this.
It’s important I remember the tricks. It’s important I remember the pain and the struggle. It’s important I never forget the journey to the place I am today. I am absolutely willing to dismiss anyone who is playing the enemy games to chip away at what I have had to work so hard at rebuilding.
As painful as it is to remember and relive. I must never forget, it is what keeps me safe and the wolves away from my flock.