Fake it.

If I must

I reached out to my old counselor. She and I still email now and then. She knows my story, my journey. She was there from the beginning for me. When I was told I could no longer have my time with her when our insurance changed, I was seriously frazzled over it. I felt like my lifeline was being cut off. I was going to drown without her weekly or bi-weekly meeting keeping afloat.

It was a hard month without speaking to her or anyone for those action steps to keep me on the right track. I guess I never knew how badly I needed it until I didn’t have it anymore. She was kind enough to allow me still email when I needed it for free and get back to me when she had time… which is always within a day or two. I seriously hit the jackpot with her. Such a kind, empathetic and smart soul.

Well, since December, we’ve been “broken up. But I still email her, and she still guides me the best she can through email. I am thankful because even these emails are far better than my new person. Well, the new person I didn’t get for a little over a month after I had no one. Plus, she isn’t a real counselor, more like a coach. We don’t really connect at all. It’s just not the same.

I still rely on my old counselor. That’s probably not fair to her and healthy for me.

Yesterday

I gave her a brief message yesterday about the weird and somewhat depressing place I am in currently. She, of course, got back to me this morning and was more helpful than my new coach has ever been 🤍 She assured me it’s okay to be in a place of rest, healing, and just surviving. Evening though in my head I knew this, it was good to hear it from someone else. In her words; “You’re in a period of surviving, not thriving and, that is perfectly okay.” I needed to hear that.

She let me know that some of the pressure I am dealing with is causing me stress and is leading to depression. Which is a given. But it’s important to recognize it. She’s encouraged me to allow myself time to take short breaks from stress and get back to a strong place before handling the larger issues. It’s okay to get away and rest when I need it. I don’t need to feel guilty about this… I’m taking care of myself and preparing to be better equipped later. If I have to fake being okay then so be it!

She did ask me a question that I have been asking myself. The question was, “What do I need to care for my body?” I’m not 100% sure? I think part of me knows the answer, but the other part is too broken to think about what I “really” need.

The simple, obvious thing I need to get fixed is this tooth, so I can eat normally. I am dropping weight faster than I ever thought I would. I weighted 134 before the broken tooth, then 132 and then 129, and today 127, all in less than 2 weeks. The loss wouldn’t bother me much if I didn’t feel so weak. I’m exhausted and feel sick. I’m trying to get more protein shakes and water in. However, it upsets my gut. By the end of the month, I will have my mouth back to a healthy place and be able to eat normally, then I will feel better.

Side note: It can cause stress because I still have a massive payment for my dentistry work! Why does dental work, even with insurance, cost so much money? Insurance is supposed to help but is still so expensive! I can’t help but feel ripped off!

Anyway🙃

Another thing my body needs is good sleep. I am in pain every single night. My neck and shoulder is so tight that it burns. I’m terribly uncomfortable all night! To make things even worse, I am plagued with nightmares! I have bad dreams or strange dreams nightly! I’ve looked them up, and the explanation is not good!

I don’t know what to do about this?

She asked me if I needed to ask people for help? If I needed to eat, move, connect to others? And yes, I do probably need all those things. Why does it seem difficult to do them? She asked, “Do you need to go through the motions and fake it till you make it?” And the answer to that is, most likely, it’s the only way right now.

I have committed to putting on some music or a podcast, showing up for the day, showering, and trying to eat something that won’t kill my mouth. I will do what I can to get outside, even in the heat… I will get a few minutes of sunshine each day and spend some time with my plants.

Every day I will do at least one or two household chores. If I want to do more, then GREAT! But every day, I will commit to doing a few household/ CEO things so as not to fall totally behind. Another thing is to write more often… at least for now. I need it to process and keep my mind right. I can’t put it off writing. I’ll keep doing my devotions, blogging, managing my health the best I can, and over time… I will balance it out. Even if I am faking it… until I make it until it’s all actually me.

Being reminded that this might be uncomfortable at times but that I’ve done these things before. She is right! It helps me to think back at the difficult things in the past and know where I am now. Things have been worse than there are now, and I kicked ass! I am so good compared to those times. This is just a blimp in my timeline.

She reminded me that when I care for my body by feeding it and move through my day moment by moment again with strength, patience, and self-assurance again, it’ll be at that point I can answer the question of my purpose. I mean, that is a big question! She made it clear that if I try to focus on the question, I will become overwhelmed and exhausted! I could not agree more. I actually feel relieved knowing I don’t need to worry about that right now.

She gave me this link: https://www.211.org

Call to talk to someone, text for health resources. I know I am! TODAY!

Today

I woke up around 7am, which I didn’t want to do. I was not feeling great. I may be getting a head cold these; allergies are the worst in the history of all allergies, or if the combo of my mouth pain is making all this a thousand times harder on me. I have thumbing in my face non-stop! The body aches come and go. However, I do try not to complain out loud about my pain at all… as I was told to just journal my negativity (complaints) so as not to bring others down. Still, not sure how I feel about that advice. 🙄

Got myself ready, made my protein coffee for the morning, and made my son lunch before he headed off to work. I called my parents and got my pup ready to take to the groomer. My daughter and I stopped to tackle a few small errands, got a coffee, and came home.

Once we were back home, I made my daughter some lunch, changed the laundry, and cleaned up my bedroom. G started on her chores as I went outside to water my plants. Then to my surprise, she invited me to hang out in her room while she organized her desk and cleaned. So I grabbed my laptop to check my emails and work on the blog, all while she worked on her room, but first, I helped her make her bed.

A little while later, we got the call that it was time to pick up Ella Bella! We had to get our girl right away. It was a fast trip! As soon as we got home, I took more medicine to help my head, and G is still trying to clean her move…she’s slow. I am trying to finish this post and deal with stuffing, plugged ears, and pain in my head. However, we are both having a pretty good day.

I ended up doing everything I set out to do and didn’t overwhelm. I even wrote out a few action steps as a goal to move forward. I felt less hectic and calmer after having some kind of plan. Even if all my problems are very much still in my face!

I have committed to letting God handle my life… whatever may come. I know that doesn’t excuse me what work or hardship. However, I do believe turning over my worries to God will ease my stress and clear my mind so I can deal.

It’s a start and, I am hopeful.

SK

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