Where is my mind today?

This last weekend I celebrated my birthday with my sister, my niece, my two kids, and my sweet husband. It was hot as all hell at a insane 106 but it felts like it was 120… yep, hell! 🔥I thought I was going to pass out. I had a few dizzy spells where I had to lean on Jason to gather myself and get my eyesight back, even my sister had a few dizzy spells over the heat.

We went to San Antonio, used my gift cards, and had a great lunch and some laughs. Hhich I need and am so thankful for. We were going to go to Top Golf but this heat was killing us. We ended up coming home, cooling down, and watching a moving. It was nice to just relax. Later, that evening we went to dinner and then spent the night in our backyard under the lights. It was a lovely night and I am so blessed, so beyond thankful for the celebration and time together. To have my sister drive all the way down, make all the decisions… since my brain seems to not be able to make decisions currently was a sweet treat. It was an all-around nice time.

I honestly didn’t have a clue what to do for my birthday or if I wanted to do anything for my birthday at all. I’ve been in such a weird yuck place. This might make me sound like a true grade-A jerk, I really wanted some kid-free time with the adults but at the same time, I really enjoyed the time with my kids and my niece. They all got along really well and made me laugh. I am thankful for them and that time… However, I am dying to have some adult time. I really need to be able to talk about the real adult things happening in my life, the hard and somewhat funny, awkward, real-life things that happen that are meant for only adult ears. I am around kids all the time. My kids and my neighbors have little kids, and I feel like there are just kids all over the place!! I just don’t want to see any kids right now! ❣️🙄

Is it a crime to have a strong need to be free from these prying children’s eyes and ears for a minute so I can be myself without their little judgey faces? Maybe that’s just my kids… I feel incredibly judged by my own children. I know my oldest loves me unconditionally and we have a very close and respectful relationship but I also know he has high expectations for me and that’s a lot of pressure for me to never fall off. He still could never be as judgmental toward me as my daughter is…wow! She hates everything I do. The way I walk, look, smile, blink and breathe. My entire being is one big pile of embarrassment to her and sometimes I need a break from the degrading and badgering from I get daily from them. It really beats me up mentally and takes a toll on my spirit. I want to be myself and not worry about their eye rolls and comments on what I am doing “wrong” or what thing I’ve done that is so odd or out of place. I’m a weirdo person, deal with it! I want to just be Sarah, the human being, and not mom the robot/ servant all the time.

It’s crazy and a real mind binder how our blessings can also be a great source of stress. There are some days, I want so badly to take on the world, or at least my little household, and run it like a real boss!

I’d wake up bright and bushy-tailed, with a determination that is unmatched! I’d be productive and get so much done that even Jason and my Apple Watch would be proud of me! I would have everything on that “To-Do List” with a stylish check mark next to each item!

Then I would make a wonderful dinner, that everyone would “ACTUALLY” eat without complaining, or asking me over and over “what it is” or “if they can make something else”… because I am indeed a wonderful cook! Who in real life I have a very spoiled family… They want what they want, when they want it and care nothing about the time or effort. or the LOVE that I put into making them dinner! But in my new life, they would LOVE my dinners, cleaning their plates, enjoying every single bite! There would be NO leftovers! The family would help each other WITHOUT COMPLAIN to clean up the dinner while I did literally anything else… take a phone, go to the bathroom, find a show to watch and no one would be in my face fighting, whining, or plain being annoying! They would let me be for a moment and handle the clean up, then we come back together to watch a show, play a game, say good night. The End… See ya tomorrow my older children… You should know how to brush teeth, take a shower, flush the toilet and pick up after yourself! Mostly not be gross and disguising guys; I should in the “fancy place” have to remind them of this. They would go to bed at a normal time and we would all wake up happy and ready to have a great day.

I can dream can’t I?

On other days I want it to be quiet, still, and slow. I want to write, tidy up, lite a candle and pray. I want to be alone and with people at the same time. I am complicated in a simple way. I want very little but I am not sure what is it that I want, so I spend a lot of time doubting myself and disliking myself. All know is I don’t really want to talk when I have these kinds of days but I probably should talk to someone. I have these days more often than not. They happen more to me with all the hard and unsure stuff around me… that’s not okay because life is full of hard stuff and hard people. Some of the hard stuff will never go away I have to cope with it. I have to stop melting like this but some of the hard people I don’t actually have to deal with even if other people in my life do have to. I have more power than I allow myself to access sometimes. I need to work on what’s in my control and what is not, and also how to cope with the hard stuff that gets me spinning like this.

Real-life goes crazy sometimes. So many great and wonderful things. Happy memories get made and even unhappy when you get look back on and have a laugh. There’s is so many unbelievable, spectacular blessings I have in my weird life. There is always another side that hurts, breaks your heart, your mind, and your spirit, and changes you forever. The soft places you once had get made hard with lots of scars. As much as you wanna let that shit go, it comes back up repeatly because it literally broke you, made you different, and changed everything you once were.

I’m in weird space. I’m not sad, mad or even overly happy. I’m just off but I’m okay. I know I’m blessed and thankful.


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