Apologize

I don’t want a poor me post. That is not what this is… However, it will become transparent that I am in a weird state of shittiness. A dark cloud of sickness and confusion. Everything a touch breaks… A plain and simple yuck place.

My body is hurting all over. I broke my tooth. It’s costing me a fortune to fix. Again, I put myself on the back burner and wasn’t taking care of myself, now I’m paying for it! I am an idiot… a broke idiot. My kidneys (I think it’s my kidneys) are talking to me daily! They are super pissed! I am in pain most the time. And to top it all off, I am pretty sure everyone hates me! That’s fun! Jason’s family, my family, and everyone else… everything that could make some mad or go wrong is my fault. I am really not sure why I even exist some days. 😥

This is NOT going to be a list of shit falling apart in my life (or in my mind) or a post of things or people driving me insane and breaking down me emotionally. Those things don’t even matter at this point. With these messy parts of life and the people, I have in my life it is what it will be at this point. I actually don’t blame anyone but myself for any of these issues that have happened or that are going on. I am not in a good space and I am not handling things well. I care or don’t care too much or not enough, and always at the wrong times. I’m the square trying to be a circle. I can’t make anyone or even myself happy.

Sadly, ugly crying day and night have become normal lately. It’s not always because I am sad or depressed sometimes I feel lost. I feel out of place often and don’t know what to do in situations that I am in, why things are the way they are, or because I am fearful about them. I always feel like I don’t deserve nice things or happiness. I buy into the lie that it’s okay to be treated badly and that I don’t need to be taken care of. So when I am disrespected or treated badly I half expected it and all the way expect it… even if somewhere deep down I know that’s probably not okay… I also on the surface feel like I deserve bad treatment so I let it happen over and over.

The last two days I’ve had a tough talk with God after kicking my own ass. I just can’t keep being this way. I can’t go backward. To bring Jason and my kids down because I suck isn’t right or fair… I still don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. Am I defective?

The forever project… me

I started praying for forgiveness, help, guidance… a miracle, a savior to pull me out of this hole, and a protector from the hurt. I’ve taken my life for granted. The lack of self-control over the influence around me is simply not okay. The amount of stress and anxiety I have allowing myself to feel and be consumed because of others is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t control others, only myself and I need to do better. I need to walk away more, be quiet more, and when it is necessary I need to defend myself, and my family in the right way, currently I don’t know what the right way is. But I don’t what to be a punching bag or used and I think that’s a fair want.

I know what it takes to be healthy. I have put so much work into my mental and physical health but it’s become a stress in the wrong way. I have to start treating myself as God sees me. This body is a temple to be loved and cared for. Not a picture to be seen… this is wrong. I am scared to mess it up, worried about what people see and what they will say about it. The physical part of me and all of me. All the voices are consuming and I just replay them over and over. Sometimes I am the voice. It beats up and takes me down.

Forgiveness for the lost

I’ve asked God to forgive me for this and help me to be better, to work through these insecurities and health struggles is all I could do. I need His guidance to protect my mind, my personal boundaries, and family boundaries in the world right now and to spread His love when it’s the hardest… even to myself.

I am sorry to people to who I haven’t reached out while I’ve been dealing with my life and brain. I hope you can understand. I am sorry if I’ve said anything that rudded you wrong… I may or may not have meant it… who knows at this point but either way, I am not a person that goes out of their way to piss people off. I am a very honest person and sometimes it hurts people. If I pissed you off I am sorry. I do care about others and their feeling, after all, I am an empath. The feeling is kind of my thing- whether I like it or not! I am sorry I haven’t communicated more, asked more questions, or just listened when you wanted me to shut up. I am sorry I am not better at being gentle. Sometimes just being quiet altogether is what I need to do. I’m working on it.

I am sorry I am not better at being likable. I mean that. I am not saying this to get sympathy. I understand that I am not for everyone… very few actually and that’s okay since I’m not really a people person anyway. Still, I know that because of my dislike-ability, I might make it hard for the people I truly do love, and for that I am sorry.

I have neglected my real self, my true and most important relationships and it’s really changed me in the worst way. It’s shifted many things for the worst and it scares me and worries me. But God is number one and I feel like my whole fiasco with the last church I was at caused me to pause in my prayer life, sadly. I haven’t been doing my devotions with my friend like before. We were really carrying each other through it some difficult times and I didn’t realize how much I needed that time until she wasn’t there. I was drifting a little. Only in the last month, I have started again, but truly connecting with the words and speaking to God… it’s only been in the last week. I feel myself changing for the better… getting back to myself.

The other relationship is spending real time with my husband. I miss a real date, walking together, enjoying our time together on purpose… I miss interrupted time. We get busy, kids always need something, and if we make them wait they make us pay for it! But I get resentful, frustrated, annoyed, exhausted, and start to overthink all my words and action, it just messes up everything! So I disconnect altogether. I am sorry I disappear when I can’t handle life and am beyond words. Sometimes I need a minute to get my thoughts together but other times I am hating myself and being a shithead. I am sorry.

To my kids, I love you guys so much and I hope I haven’t made you both think it’s okay to run away when you have a problem, are stressed out, or simply get an answer you don’t like. Life is hard but it’s beautiful too. You both make my life sooo beautiful! 🤍 We are allowed bad days and I sure have shown you what those look like but I hope I have also shown you how to recover from them. If for any reason at all I have hit a nerve that stings and hurts your heart, I am sooo sorry. You don’t deserve that. It is hard sometimes to see me as anything other than your mom but I’m also a human. I get hurt feelings and mess up just like you do. I am learning and growing like you both are. Still, I do know better than I do at times. I hope we all can forgive each other and you can forgive me. That we can do better moving forward. I want nothing more for all of us to give each other some grace. Be peaceful and experience some joy. I want that for all of us, especially you both. 🤍 I am sorry if you haven’t had it as easy with the ups and down because I know it’s been hard for me to deal with the noise too… I am praying that it changes and gets better for all of us. I have faith it will and we can do it together.

I also want to apologize to myself. I am sorry I put myself last time and time again. I don’t ever learn and that’s so annoying! I am sorry that I treat my body and mind like it doesn’t matter and that I let other people trash or comment on it. I am sorry to myself in general for letting people effecting me so negatively. I am sorry I struggle so badly blocking out the bad energy. I am sorry I cut myself off from the rest of the world for longer than I need and can be such a shithead but won’t allow myself a simple compliment either. I am sorry that I have a hard time forgiving myself and for being so hard on myself. I am doing what I can to get off this hamster wheel. I am sorry for hating myself all time. I am sorry for being the worst to myself.

This isn’t an excuse, it’s part of the reason why I am this way… When I have so many people in my life that I have allowed them to be hateful and harmful to me, it creates a mess in my head and in my heart for that matter. I am not good at blocking that negativity out. I continue their mean hateful work for them…and it’s dangerous to my health. It’s just that simple. I need to get a handle on this.

Accountable

In writing this I want to be accountable for the actions that I have allowed in my life, which were harmful and negative. Those boundaries that I have let slip because I didn’t want to fight and hurt someone’s feelings but in return, it hurt anyway. I wasn’t being an active member in my own life and I tolerated behavior in others and in myself that is unacceptable. I stood by in my own suffering thinking people would change or things would just get better over time on their own but that’s not how life works. We have to seek change, be active, arise and go and decern God’s voice. I can’t stand on the sidelines and let anyone else write my story. So yes! I am sorry to everyone and to myself for just letting life happen and allowing whatever to happen without being a willing participant… I can’t keep up this way any longer.

I am sick of living in survival mode, walking on eggshells, so worried about what’s happening with everyone else, and disliking myself without actually being involved in this life of mine. Maybe it is cliche to say that I need to get to know myself but I think I still have a lot to learn. That’s not to say that I haven’t come extremely far and I need to take time to be proud of that and learn how to be happy for myself… learn how to be proud of my journey without being prideful… stay humble and grateful for the journey. I am always questioning my thoughts, words, the way I smile, and my actions. It’s good to be thankful and reflect but I have trouble with that. I look back and see my mistakes and when I look forward I see all the obstacles. I want to look back and be thankful and look forward and be optimistic.

Here I go again trying to figure things out and do better than just maintaining, I want to thrive, and be joyful. I am going to take a social media break other than my Scentsy work, and get back to my devotionals, writing, connection that grows me, and being still with God, following His lead.

Taking a walk… before we hot 105 today

SK

4 thoughts on “Apologize

  1. You are so loved for who you are! You don’t have to apologize for being who you are! Give yourself the grace that God gives you. You are already forgiven through the Lord. Place your burdens on him. He is all the love that you need. If Christ loves you so unconditionally, who are you to say that he is wrong? Embrace his grace and his mercy and be kind to yourself. You are not alone in falling short with prayer and our devotionals. I too so need that! I am not focusing on God. Let’s hold ourselves accountable again. I’ll be sending a devotional to you today. You are kind, empathetic, caring, forgiving, faithful, loving, beautiful, compassionate, passionate, blessed, courageous, independent, smart, giving. Dont forget who you are and who you are in Christ!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is okay to be piss-off sometimes. I try to stay even and somedays. It is very hard. Good to had met you and I hope. Everything is going well and you can enjoy the days of Summer.

    Liked by 1 person

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