Life Update: Part Three and Final… For Now

What do you do when you are being targeted… sabotaged… disassembled for the sake of other people’s storytelling, their assumptions, their mockery of you just for asking them to participate?

This is obviously a rhetorical question because there is nothing you can do. You can’t fix people and you can’t control them.

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We all can be our own worst enemy at times. I have done it to myself occasionally, but most people can see the writing on the wall and bring themself back to reality, and make right what went so wrong. Even if that means making some very humble apologies along the way. Because truthfully not everything is about YOU. (Enter sarcasm) Shocking, I know…

However, as of late it seems that apologies and reality have not been the theme. Apparently, I am the bullseye for people’s aggression and to state it bluntly, I am their scapegoat for their personal troubles, misfortune, and plain lack of will. A punching bag if you will.

This is nothing new as it’s all happened before and so I can’t be too surprised it’s happening yet again. What can I do but take it?

Maybe I am TOO honest? Maybe I have not been honest enough? When it comes down to it we all know that if I would have just told the very very hard truth of the matter not everyone could have handled it. No one likes to hear that they simply are not liked and the way they behave is a major turn-off. That they are a terrible example in my child’s life and I have to undo what they say and do after every phone call and visit! That they really are a big problem and need to keep their unwanted opinions to myself. You can’t hardly take care of yourself so what makes you think you can handle my life, facts are facts.

What would have happened if I were to say these words out loud and just made things very crystal clear? I doubt that would have gone over well.

Sure, there would-be NO confusion about what the issue is; for I would have stated it quite clearly and matter of factly but the feelings would have been smashed to pieces and we just can’t have hurt feelings… now can we? I mean your feelings… not mine.

I made my mouth bleed. I held my tongue and truly felt insane some days dealing with what I have been. Did no one else see the damage they were causing? Did no one see how not okay things really were? Did you think this all was fine just letting me do EVERYTHING?

It blows my mind how lost in denial we all can be. I just did what I could to hold it together and not totally lose my shit every day. Still, I felt very neglected through it. What choice did I have but to just keep moving along? I knew I just had to get through those weeks and I would be okay, it would be alright, and I could do damage control, I would put it all back together and fix it all… It was hell! You have no idea.

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I was brokenhearted over my child, worried and scared, frantic over putting things back together that have been pulled apart and poisoned. It’s so hard to be everywhere all the time and everything for everyone while trying to navigate the outside chaos of lies and drama but it was there loud and proud. It was all infecting my family. My child,my husband and my life in every way.

But it wasn’t just the outside negative influence, it was the lack of care that was coming from within as well. I was fighting this battle on my own. MY team member was in their own personal dreamland, slumbering, sleepy and lackadaisical about life itself as everything was crashing around us. Like another accommodation would solve all our problems. Procrastination is such a fungus.

I left like the fight was mine alone and I was being crushed under the weight of the content emergency. Never time to just breath. Just bearly have my head above water all the time. But you keep your head in your phone… nice and distracted from your real life and the very real people in it.

If you ever wonder if someone is drifting away from you, chances are it’s because you are paying way… way too much attention to your phone, video games, and social media. Don’t blame them… just give them what you want and they will give it back 10 folds to you.

😒

I do hold part of the blame… I can not go completely blameless.

In that, I take full responsibility for my trouble communicating. It’s been an issue in the past. I have had trouble in this area only with certain people in life for a while. Frankly, I don’t know how to fix it. I am not above trying new things to establish a way to handle the adversaries we have with each other. But when these parties live in la-la land and like being the victim in their own made-up stories or plan to act like things are fine when they are clearly not, it might just be irresolvable. Like, riding the hamster wheel round and round. I have jumped off that thing a while ago… you enjoy the ride. Alone.

Has anyone had people in their life that they truly hate having to communicate with? When important topics need to be conveyed somehow they just can’t do it without it and ending up in some kind of guilt trip or fight ensuing?

Honestly, I would rather do anything else than even try to speak at all! This seems to happen with topics like money, in-laws, children, or asking, “how are you today?” Even asking for help! It comes up when making plans and trying to get on the same page. Why is everything so hard? It’s like one person wants to feel more important than they are? Or they just feel like they shouldn’t be bothered.

I don’t understand this behavior from people. In most cases, I start handling things myself, shut off the noise, grind down and stop caring if the outsiders are pissed, and just take care of business on my own and that’s where I am now. Screw it. I have a job to do and you are in the way. MOVE.

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When speaking to a professional on this topic a few things stick out to me. One, all parties have to own their part and I don’t see that happening. Two, all parties have to be willing to adjust and work on a solution. But without step one how do you get to step two?

I suppose there are ways around this when you are working with children, but what if it’s an adult who acts like a child? Then what?

Over the last few months, it’s been nothing but holding these kids together, and keeping my husband motivated, and in the process, I have been hanging on by my nails. For the last few months or two, it’s about been about deep pain, hurt feelings, deceitfulness, toxic behavior, procrastination, and some serious passive-aggressive behavior.

I have had a sufficient amount of heartbreak, pressure, and being dismantled by my supposed “help”. But the last week has been for me, about becoming stronger then than all that shit, remember the daughter my father raised me to be and grow the hell up. It’s been about bringing my family back together and putting this puzzle back together. I am not too proud to ask for help from the right people and places. I am not so superior to think that it’s not going to take a ton of work, I won’t cry along the way and I don’t have my part in how it all fell apart.

Sometimes our wants get in the way of our needs and I think that happens here. I wanted to do something that I simply can never have and I will need to be okay with that. The question is will my life partner ever understand the difference between a need and want? I highly doubt it. This is a top I need to give more thought to.

My children and my husbands are my top priority and nothing besides God comes before them. When I think about that it’s just so simple. But when I add all these other details of life things get hard and difficult and so complicated.

Are we doing the right things? Are saying the things we need to be? We need the right schools, the right influences, the right church, meaningful lessons, and good-productive consequences. It all seems like so much pressure to do the right amount of the right things. I feel I will never measure up to the place I need to be for everyone. So you can only imagine what it feels like when I have unsolicited advice from someone or anyone that can’t take their own inventory well. No thanks.

Being a parent is hard. Being married is hard. I’ve never done this before. As of this moment, I feel like even with all the hurdles coming at me, the hurtful criticisms, and even the imaginary stories that I don’t understand where they came from… Somehow, I have a sense of peace that has come over me. A sense of internal strength. I feel like things are coming together.

I know that people will hate me at the end of this but it’s for the best. After all, I can take the heat if means healing all this damage that’s been done. Clearing up the misleading ideals. When you have to limit the contact or end it completely, make your circle smaller, and be crystal clear with your boundaries, you will piss some people off. That has bothered me in the past but I’m okay with it now. I have to be to get my kids healthy again and heal my marriage and figure out what going on in that head of his. I have to be.

SK

3 thoughts on “Life Update: Part Three and Final… For Now

    1. It seems that is the way to go. I have upped my devotions lately. I have to do them alone currently as my devotional friend has stopped doing them… changes in life happen… but I love the devotionals and the Bible studies because they keep me on track and help keep me from hating people… lol

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