To explain why or how I got to this place I want to try and break it down into smaller bites. Something more manageable. But how does one do this?
Well, I have read mass amounts of material and consulted with professionals on the many topics that I have going on in my life currently, and as much knowledge as I have gained, I hate how lost I still feel at times. I am doing my best and in a strange way, I feel very much in control. It’s odd to feel lost but in control but here I am. Maybe that’s just my faith talking.
Still, I am going to try and cut off a small consumable piece at a time. I’ll try to make this digestible, and less harsh on the pallet. But I have a feeling it will never make sense. Never be right and I am okay with that. This is all about the practice of the writing process and clearing my mind.
Let the cleansing begin…
The judgments, the expectations, and things that people think they know are almost laughable at this point. No one actually knows what’s happening, but it’s funny how much they “think” they know. The things they brew up to make themselves feel better are pure fantasy.
It’s all about the excuses we make to never point the finger right back at ourselves, I guess. A piece of humble pie is quite rich, isn’t it? It couldn’t be you that was the problem? Maybe YOU made these problems all up? MMM? YOU couldn’t possibly be a massive contaminant, a sacrificial victim… creating scenarios that design sympathy for just you?
This keeps you from having to try too hard, achieve at all, or even really try… because if you can get that golden pity card on your side then the focus isn’t on your mistakes, all you lack, and why you just can’t seem to get it together… Then the focus can be on why my family and I are struggling and are just so awful to you… poor, poor you. Right? But is that the truth? I don’t think so.
It’s alright, we can take the heat. Let the spotlight shine our way… I can take it while you hide in the shadows and let life pass you by. We are living every day.
There are times I sit back after a day of heavy lifting, dodging obstacles, and correcting the storying telling; I grab my glass of wine, look at my full home, my wonderful neighbors, knowing I have my kids sleeping peacefully in their beds, and look over to the best guy I could ask for… and I just think to myself…”Let them talk because no one can beat this.”
I have a real life. My real life is full of real things. Ups and downs. Mistakes and heartache. I have pain and sorrows. I hurt and I cry but I have so much joy too. I have goals and dreams and big plans! I am a real person. I am affected by delights and woes for and by others. I engage with people and put myself out there to try new things and go places. When you explore and are moved by the world and people around you, you get hurt sometimes. You get let down sometimes. But really great things happen too.
The junk causes a good amount of turmoil in my family, and my home; all made by outside influences. I am not saying I don’t have my own real problems. I most obviously do. I just think my problem isn’t as big as yours. This is just a small taste. There is so much more. So much more to share and try to wrap my head around. This part is the first part I share only because it’s the most pointless part and made-up part. It simply is unnecessary and never needed to be. It could all just goes away. I only wish I could see normal behavior, it’s all I crave.
To be Continued