Life Update… Part One

It’s been a minute since I just sat down and wrote out what hell was going on, really. I guess in a way I am afraid to write it out. I am afraid to share it. To write it scares me because that means I have to process it all and the truth of it is too real and it makes me feel helpless, hopeless, and trapped. It’s all the worst feelings you can have wrapped in one rotting package you don’t dear open.

So I deal with parts of it here and there. Little tidbits that I think I can handle at a time. I try not to get overtaken by the overwhelming grief, resentment, and pure sadness that has been squeezing the life right out of my heart. I don’t want to think about the things or the people that bring those feelings out of me that are so unlikable. SO I don’t.

I don’t want to think about their ignorance or self-righteousness. I don’t want to think about all the time I have had to forgive the same things over and over again. And I really don’t want to think about the awful influence this toxicity has in my life and family now and how stuck I am with it. How I just keep smiling and how many times I keep saying everything is fine when it is not even close to fine, just to keep some kind of peace. Some kind of fake peace.

As bad as those feelings are to wear around my neck I feel the anger and regret might be worst. The frustration and disappointment give me nightmares that I can not escape. They suffocate me. If only I was able to time travel and change the things that went so wrong, people we confided in, the places we lived in, the money we’ve spent, and the things that I did that I thought would make it easier at the time. It all was so wrong. I know we thought it would be okay but look where it got us. I regret it all. I hate myself for it. I hate that you don’t see it. All the disloyal people, the missteps, the mistakes. All of it.

I am sad. Not depressed, just sad. And I should be after all this mess, this subversive behavior. I should as hell be sad. I am anxious but I don’t have anxiety. Who wouldn’t, living under the microscope that I do? I know depression and anxiety all too well. No one is more connected to their emotions than I am. My mental health is my first language at this point in my life. After all that I have been through, I know how to monitor it well. What I am… is sad, disappointed and so angry that we are here dealing with what we are… again. Always!

This is not because of MY mental health or even my child. It’s much bigger than that. There is nothing wrong with having depression and anxiety… unless it goes untreated, unmanaged, and uncared for. It will F up you and your family. I know. I have never claimed to be a professional on this topic but after dealing with my own mental breakdown a few years ago, I learned so much about myself and my triggers. It’s helped me with managing my emotions, understanding my kids, and even my husband dealing with his messed parents. We all have something… no one escapes this life without a few scapes along the way. NO one.

What brings me here today writing this way?

Everything.

My marriage. My children. My mother-in-law. My abilities to parent a hurt child. My daughter. My finances.

To be continued …

SK