I haven’t posted in a while but I have been writing. Today I needed to write and share with whoever feels like reading and connecting. I just needed to do this.
Nothing feels right currently and even this post I don’t know if it will be published or not. But here I go.
I feel very alone in just about every part of my life. Figuring out what path to take, the choice to make and the road to go down is a mystery to me. I have no hand to hold or to lead me. I am just grasping on by my fingernails, white-knuckling my life every day as traffic whizzes by me and takes my breath after.
Happiness and true joy feel so far away from me. I know that feeling all too well, it’s like a recurring nightmare that is hunting me down. But I also know strength and having to sit my issues on a shelve to take care of other people, other matters. To forget about my stuff and just be a soldier. I can do that for now.
Just get through it. Keep the boat from totally sinking and the smiles on their face. I can cry in the shower… no one needs to know. Just get through it for now and things will be fine, I’ll make sure of it. Put dinner on the table, do the laundry and finish thoughts reports, it’s okay if the bills are late as long as their stress stays at bay… I will carry it for them. Pack the lunch, kisses to bed, feed to dogs, and be engaged in what they say.
Sorry, I am not meeting all your needs the way you want them to be met. Not much longer to go and all will be well. My full attention is yours, my work is this, it’s here, it’s you. I am doing my best, even when it’s not enough… I know. More Tylenol PM for me and another night off to bed I go, another night of aches and pain, tossing and turning, a strange night of sleep it is, repeating night after night. Hold on a little longer, a little tighter, I can do this. No one will get this or me, or even understand this whirlwind this is. But one thing is very clear… it’s all me.
I whole it all in the palm of my very shaky hand.