Random Th🤨ughts…

I love to read to relax but as for most of us who haven’t had our heads in the sand or quite frankly up our self-righteous asses, there just haven’t been time to do things we love. It’s been a stressful time. The world is a damn mess. Not just the USA but the whole damn world! Jesus takes us now!

It pains me to think my 16-year-old and 11-year-old have only known war, honoring fallen soldiers, the fighting and bickering back and forth over political correctness and social justice, their whole lives. Instead of playing and just living the life of an innocent child, so carefree and playfully, they fight through moment by moment scared of offering some butter-ball overly sensitive crybaby. Will they use the right pronoun, and if not, will they be canceled as human beings?

Adults are the damn worst. It was old wrinkly, evil adults… much older than me… and I am not now considered to be mid-aged, that created this hell we’re living in now and is giving our poor children mental health issues. The anxiety and depression of just being teenagers, having to know what to do with their whole life is hard enough but now we gave them this shit show to deal with. It’s terrible.

Well, you’re welcome for that awful opener. How are we enjoying things so far?

Hello- and sorry it’s been so long….

Today is not about the world going up in flames, or that our children’s lives are over the top stressful and it’s all our fault because we are some seriously brainwashed apes! Actually, it’s about reblogging, supporting other writers, and finding that little bit of joy when you’re having a realllllly hard time finding it.

Maybe writing a blog post about JOY and having an opener like this one doesn’t go together too well but being honest does make me feel good so there’s that silver lining, we like to find! YAY!

How do you regroup or relax after stress is sucking all your joy and energy out?

I like to write normally to relax but I have found after starting my new position that I already send a ton on time on the computer. I don’t always want to be on my laptop typing more, it was feeling more work. What made me think it was time to start writing was seriously the fact that I was talking to myself too much. I KNOW!

THIS WAS A CLEAR SIGN. I needed to purge the clutter in my mind! It was time to process the crap in my head somehow and it WAS going to come out whether I liked it or not. So that was my cue that it was time to write… so here I am!

This writing process is peaceful in many ways for me but it can be very stressful too. I am going through the massive database (my brain) and unloading what I need to. So, it can be painful and annoying, and it all causes my body to tense up and do weird things. I get headaches and neck pain from it, but it has to be done to release it all. I always feel better once it is DONE!

What I really love to do to relax is be alone. I like to walk in the sunshine, listen to a podcast, watch a crime series or a comedy show. Clean and organize space in my house alone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I love to read a good book and drink my coffee, watch the wind blow through to the trees, and be still. I LOVE just being still. I guess I can say that because I move around so much. But I enjoy alone time a lot. I don’t need too much company to be content.

This is hard for a lot of people to understand and they might assume that I am mad or stand-offish but really I am just recharging and being content. Which… NEWSFLASH… I am totally allowed to do it!

When life gets too out of control, I need some good decompression time. I always make sure I have time to reconnect with my husband, my kids, and my family, and the number is GOD. But I forget myself. Truth the God time is my time as well and event hat time lately has been taken away from me.

Everyone around here has been little energy thrives. I can’t let anyone even know for one second, I’m going to take a break because that time will be stolen by what I can do for THEM. It happens a lot. It leaves me so restless, stressed, resentful, exhausted, and feeling sick. Of course, everyone wonders why you’re in a bad mood… YOU jerk… YOU! Would it kill these people to get their own plate of food for once? Did everyone forget how to make a dang taco all of a sudden?

But of course, I want time for myself and this makes me the jerk, a selfish jerk. Well, so be it!

Anyhow…

It’s days like that I need to just get a few minutes to myself and other times I might need longer than that. I have older kids so having more than a few minutes should be more than easy to get at this point in life. But people want what they want when they want it and I have that DAMN mom guilt! Still, there are days, I just don’t want ANYONE to speak to me. Is that weird?

Live and learn and then keep learning and repeat forever.

That’s me the never-ending and forever black hole of progression and change. I will say I think it’s always getting better. I mess up a lot, but I get better. I get hurt, misunderstood, make mistakes and try to do it next time. I forgive and ask forgiveness. I know I am no one special and have plenty of flaws to go around.

Now that I have taken on this new position in the last few months… that I am not 100% sure where it will take me, if anywhere at all. I am very nervous about my future in many ways. I don’t know what type of leadership will be coming my way and it seriously worries me some days but then there are other days, I just simply hand it over to God and don’t give it another thought at all. But I know it will impact me.

This new leadership will absolutely impact my role majorly and could change things in a big way for my position, my church and I don’t how I will about it yet. I am still learning myself and I don’t even know 100% the job. But am just more confident than I was and every day I get better. I don’t and will never do things the way they were being done before me, as I am not that person I replaced. I am also of a totally different faith and understanding of the Bible. I am not as Judging (believing or not) as the person I am replacing… so I could and would never be like them. I am not as controlling or strict as them. This might end up causing issues with the new leadership because I am NOT of the strict denomination and only a (mere) Christian but only time will tell. Gotta love non-profits.

The good thing has been the creativity. I have loved the creative part and moving along with my strengths and growing them. These are the things I try to focus on when things are hard and when bad days come up. How blessed I am to get to add my creative flair to things and used my organization’s skills in ways that make sense to me, too. I actually have some very powerful and useful skills but have always worked in places where “friendships” get dibs on the opportunities first. I am still too new to know if that will happen here but so far I feel that hard work shows up first.

Being a parent is hard whether I am working or staying at home.

I have learned that I mess up no matter what. I will make big and little mistakes and be annoying to my kids by asking too many questions no matter what… It will not matter if I work in the house or not. They will hate me either way.

However, my time is shorter with my kids now that I am working outside the house more and I miss more emails from the school now, I can’t make it to all the school events, and I forget to buy all the things that I am asked to. I can’t do everything I could before and that makes me feel shitty. But I love them the same. That didn’t change at all.

Working in the house I do think I was more frustrated and annoyed at times. I didn’t have any spaced that was mine and as we spoke about above… it’s damn hard for me to get the smallest of time to myself now… However, when I was here 24/7 it never happened at all. I was drowning, suffocating and I needed people and space at the same time. It’s hard to explain but if you are the CEO of your home and family then you probably understand. You understand the resentment and loneliness and desperateness you start to feel. You want to be alive and to sleep. It’s the weirdest feeling but I get you!

Now, that I am working outside that house I don’t see myself going back to staying at home anytime soon, but I am picky about where I would work because I need flexibility. I had a lot of peace being at home too. It may not sound like it but there was peace also. It was nice being able to make my own schedule and being able to be part of my kid’s school functions. It was great working out in the morning sunshine and working in the yard during the day. I loved being able to get my grocery shopping done before all the crazy people at 5pm. I could go to the doctor, and make my calls during regular business hours, there are some great benefits for sure.

One thing I miss the most about being home is taking my time. I am very rushed now. Before I would wake up and get my coffee and just stroll around at my own pace to get the kids off to school. Then come home, change my clothes to go work out, and much later in the day I would shower and “get ready” and maybe meet someone for lunch or something. It was nice to not rush around all busy and insane all the time. I do not like to feel frantic. There are times when things are really stressful, I think of this one thing and wonder why I would ever trade my very peaceful un-rushed life for one that is so rushed… constant emails, phone calls, and texts coming in, even on my day off! It never ends… my pay isn’t even good… so why did I do that to myself?

Yeah, I don’t know. I think to tell myself I have someone I could, to say I have something that doesn’t belong to anyone else. It’s just mine. I am Sarah here. Not Mom or Honey… but Sarah. I have a little respect there which I do not have a home at all. But I don’t know really what it is. I can only guess. Both jobs are hard, and I want to show my kids that making money to care for their families is important too, just as important as being home and making dinner, cleaning the house, and running their lives…. because I still do all whether I work at home or outside the home.

I just hope that when they are grown up, they will look back on their life and can see how much I love them and how hard I try to guide them and protect them. How we’ve tried to show them the right way to live and give them a good life so they could make a good one for themselves. I pray they can say they had a good childhood, a happy, loved one because I know it wasn’t an easy one… not with all the moving around we have done to them. It’s still better than mine so I think I’ve given them better.

Friend and Family wherever you go and keep the communication strong

This has been really hard for me the last few months. Working out of the house means I am not at YOUR beck-n-call anymore. Some people might believe I am mad at them when I’m able to call and text and do for them the things that I was before. Actually, I just have one of those pesky jobs. You know the ones… The ones you actually have to go into an office, have set hours, wear underwear… ya know, be clothed and accountable… so annoying. (This is sarcasm😉)

Still, even with work and energy sucker all around me, it seems I have to be better about staying connected to my friends and family. I have found there are people in my life that don’t just take but also give. When I reach out, I feed them, and they feed me. It’s a two-way street. This is super important to be able to share your life and for your people to share their life as well.

I am usually pretty good at staying connected to my sisters. It is mostly in their court if we’re speaking or not. I am always talking to them but it’s up to them how it all goes. It’s a strange family dynamic I will admit but it barred deep down in my family root to why things are this way… this is something I have just given into.

Currently, I talk to my Texas sister pretty much every AM and maybe in the evenings as well. We keep up on how the kids are doing and we see each other just about monthly or every other. My Colorado sister has life stuff (a lot) and it is a major stress on my heart. We do talk or I think we do… it’s hard to tell sometimes where things stand. She does most of the talking and I do all the listening. I pray for her and the kids constantly but never know what is really going on. I try to reach out and stay connected with them the best that my mental and emotional abilities will allow for. Either way, I know that this relationship can be both draining and rejuvenating to me as well as for them. We have to watch our boundaries with each other and that can be very hard.

My family in general is a hard place right now. It seems like right after my Grandpa passed away it really fell apart but if we were honest it was a mess far before that. I have a deep need to be close to my family but at my own pace and I think that is really confusing sometimes. But trauma and betrayal are pretty confusing too. It comes in waves with me. I don’t expect anyone to understand and I stop trying to explain it years ago. It is what it is now. Still, I know life is short and we must try to at least reach out… even a “Hey how’s going?” can mean a lot.

My friends! What would I do without these people? I have been really lucky in this department as an adult. Moving around the USA, having a hectic life, being very social one to dropping off the face of the planet the next and these people don’t judge me, or leave me, or ever hate on me for it! They are just there when I need them. I am the same for them! Life throws all kinds of junk at us. It’s nice to have people in our life that will just be your cheer people, your shoulder, your up all night, your 2am, your shit-talker or talk you down and Bible quoter… What you need when you need it, people. I love them. Reaching out to these people is good for my soul like it is for them because whatever you take you to give back 10 fold!

Supporting people who support you keeps you humble and cycle continues

I follow many… many bloggers but if all of us were being honest, we don’t invest in every blogger we follow. It’s true! I have my top 20 maybe that I really love and then maybe top 50 that I search for and check on monthly. But the top 5-10 are my diehard favorites and it’s going to be hard for anyone to break into that group but it has happened. To be in my top 5- 10 the read all time and would reblog your work, I look for people who are interesting, funny, and don’t take themselves too seriously. I have to learn something and feel inspired in some way after reading. Those are what make my toppers list!

If a blogger/writer makes my topper list, I try to be good about reblogging their work, if it’s okay to do so. Not that I have many followers myself but I think if I like this blogger’s work and creative style maybe someone else will. I should share this! I believe this is a really great way of supporting other writers. Not only by getting more traffic to their blog but letting them know you support them and think they are great! It feels good to be supported and it encourages people to keep working for their dreams and potential! Leaving comments is always great and connections are VERY important but reblogging is a true compliment in my opinion.

Here are some of my favorite creators:

Please take some time to go to their websites/ blogs and support them!

https://sojourningwolves.wordpress.com/

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I hope you visit his website and read some good poetry.

I have been following and friends with The Eclectric Contrarian since the being. He had had a few different blogs over the years, finding his rhyme. His writing and friendship is worth the follow! Check his page out!

I hope you all would think about not only commenting more but reblogging more! Support each other!

I just want to have some peace. Be safe and experience some joy.

Random thoughts.
Just another Saturday but this one is different. I am depressed today… day 4 of pure depression.

It seems to be a little harder than normal lately to enjoy life, to be happy or even thankful, and I hate that. I hate that people are so needy and greedy and that it’s over taking my mind. People want what they want, when they want it!

So I am going pray a little harder on this. I need to softner my heart. Be able to relax and release it all on to God. I want to be patience and kind and not so damn annoyed with soul sucker, energy taker out here, just exhausting me. I need peace and find the apperiacte for my life again. Because y’all have left my complete me drained. I need a break.

It’s been good connecting with you all.

xoxo SK

6 thoughts on “Random Th🤨ughts…

  1. Glad you shared John’s blog 😊

    And I am very glad you were able to sit down and pour out your random thoughts. Maybe I need to do that🤔

    The opener I really enjoyed by the way. Real stuff!

    Liked by 1 person

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