This one

Today was good at first. Then it was confusing, then it was painful… Then hard. Now, I am hurt and mad and numb and I am just lost.

Parenting is hard and painful and I finding that as my child gets older the joyful parts are smaller and the painful, hurtful parts are more consuming. I miss that happy little one. Full of hope and sunshine. That smile and laugh. Now, it so much drama and being trendy and that darkness is there. The disrespect surpasses anything I would have ever thought I would see from my child. Ever. It kills me.

I know I am not perfect, and I have had my bad mom moments. I have yelled and cussed and not been as present as I should be at times. I know, I have my faults too. I lose my tempted and have got caught up in my emotions. Thank goodness for counseling. The last 4 months of counseling session have been nothing but talking about my child and being a better parent to this one child. I don’t cast all the blame on this one… no. I see my side as well. We share some similarities.

I also see that this one has special needs that I might not be able meet. That this one might need more help than I can give alone. That maybe, we have given too much to this one, we’ve spoiled and made a brat…I don’t know??… So, I lose sleep, rack my brain thinking of things to helps, where did I go wrong? How can I help or do better? What do I need to do now? We all walk on thin ice to not cause this one to explode… But that’s not right or fair. But what else can we do to keep some peace in our home?

It frustrating and it makes me plain MAD to have the child running our home… But I see this one’s brokenness too and that breaks me…

This is a mother’s heartbreak. The pain and hurt. I am scared of my own child. I want to hold my child and keep my kid safe and protect my kid but am also so scared to touch her… She’s like a wildfire and can burn us down. In a rage this one will no doubt, with a care set us on fire. No care in the world. But the next moment, will love us again. It’s a nasty and weary cycle this one puts us through.

I don’t even know where to go from here but each time an explosion happens it will be worse… It will. I love my child endlessly, even when it’s totally madness. But I don’t like where we are today. I am lost. I feel sick.

I will never be okay until my child is better, is happy and healthy… but who knows if that will ever happen because I don’t think this one, wants to be okay at all.

sk 😔