I wrote a post last night and it was freeing but I decided not to publish it. Writing that post was cleansing for me. It helped me to process my feelings and understand what’s been missing and infecting me. The constant gripe and negativity, the childish behaviors and unlimitedly the never-ending judgement.
I see I am not who I pride myself on being because I let my boundaries fall. I have become some of things I hate most and that’s not okay with me. I also put far too much weight in what other people think or say about my life, and that too is not like me. This all comes back to boundaries and upholding them.
I was fortunate enough to have a counseling appointment today to talk about these things and going over them with a professional.
It was good to be reminded the importance of boundaries, why we need them and how to enforce them. It was also good to be reminded that it’s okay for me to say ‘NO” to things that I don’t want to do or be a part of. We have whole years dictated to saying “yes” to things, but I think I need to say “NO” to people this year.
My counselor also spoke to me about preparing myself to be with people and in spaces that give anxiety. I used to be better about this but with all the new needs of people and things in my life I have fallen of out practice with this. She also told me I can say I need break from “this type of events” or this person” for a while and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong or that I am mad… it’s just a mental break. Some people suck more out of you than others. I needed that validation.
I think from this point on I will be better with boundaries and will make it clear what I am okay with and what I am not okay with. I will take breaks and hold the line for my mental health, because currently I am mentally and emotional exhausted. I need a break.
I miss that happy, joyful girl I was, and I want her back!
And lastly…. for heaven sakes… Why does anyone care what the hell I eat or don’t eat or my size, or feel the need to comment on it? Can you imagine me saying “WOW, you sure cleaned your plate tonight…?” “Hungry ?” That would be rude.
Now think about me doing that every single time you are with me. I make some comment about your body, your size and what you eat or don’t eat every time we are together; and after I make you feel embarrassed, ashamed and insecurity, I’ll coved it all up with well-meaning concern and “love”… even though you have asked for me to stop doing this and I know it upsets you and makes you uncomfortable. I will continue to manipulate so that I can keep commenting on your life however I see fit. What a jerk I would be. Imagine.