Hi y’all. I’m having a hard time. I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed out and a bit hurt and just… ugh… letting things get to me. Same old stuff I’ve had to get past before but in my anxiety, I’ve let myself get triggered.
I’m trying to finish up a million last minute things so we can leave for Wray, Colorado to be with family for my Grandpa’s funeral.
I’ve been asked to write his Obituary and because I am a writer after all, I offered to write something to read at the funeral. My Aunt will be printing both in the Wray paper.
It’s fine and I’m honored to be able to do this. It’s my gift of service to do this. I want too.
The issue is something bigger… something that I allowed to bother me. I need to say F it… who cares. I need to not let others need to be “special” put my flame out. I did fail today… I let their narcissism get at me.
I am writer. I’ve been writing for a really long time but only publicly since 2017. I’ve earned many awards and had plenty of my writings reblogged, shared, printed and awarded. But I’m not a famous writer. NO… not yet. I’m just a regular chick who loves this shit… I love it.
I’ve been acknowledged for my work by other outlets and people over the years, but for some reason being stumped on by the people closest to me is a real kick in the face. It feels terrible and frankly it pisses me off!
I don’t need the praise or the acknowledgment but shit… it’s nice to have once in awhile. It’s better than the backhanded complements. Because I see you and I know the games that you play… the little shitty things you squeeze in to make me feel less than. That’s wrong!
So… yes, if I wasn’t already overwhelmed and too busy for my own good, full of anxiety and stressed, maybe this manipulation I could handle better. Maybe it wouldn’t bother me! Maybe I would ignore these shallow and pathetic attempts to be just plain mean… But today I found myself in my closet, crying. Your sneaky put downs worked on me. I let you win.
Yep. I did. I hide away crying. Defeated. I made myself sick! But I won’t make that mistake again.
This person is far too proud to ever take credit for their shitty behavior. Too perfect to admit any wrong doing. They would never get their hands dirty. But seriously… I am better than this too. I am stronger than this. I know better!
So screw your mean comments. You think you’re helpful. You’re not. It’s a game. I’m not playing.
Y’all might wonder why I’m so candid in this post… Well, I needed to be and I can. Plus, no one reads this… right?