How it started…
I started my blogging journey in November 2017. It started out simple, only wanting to write whatever my heart felt at the moment. I had a deep desirer to connect with other creators, other humans and I haven’t diverted much since that day.
My blog, fabricthatmademe was never meant to make me a rich and famous writer, although both sound nice. All I really wanted was to share my thoughts and ideas, create, and reach other people who might understand a heart like mine. Maybe someone would understand a complicated, sensitive person like me? A person whos always playing a constant game of tug-a-war with herself.
I have always been a bit of a loner.
As far back as I can remember, even as a child I was lonely. Most the time it was choice to be alone. I was fine with my own company and even enjoyed it. But other times the isolation was sad. I craved a close and trusted friendship or just to trust my own family at times.
My loneliness as a mother and wife came with pressure and was forced upon me like a ton of bricks. So much was out of my control. It was the kind of isolation that was painful, because it came with judgement. Also because I thought I had a partner who’d be helping to carry the weight. But I was carrying so much alone and it was heavy and scary, the fear of dropping it all was consuming. That loneliness was hard to get through.
During these deep lonely points in my life, I really relied on my blog and the connections that I made here. I was and am still, able to say the things here that no one will hear me speak. I have the time to process through things and the events, the situations of the day, weeks, of life… It’s been very helpful for me. But in my deep pain, depression and anxiety, the manic moments and different traumas that would over take me it was here and through the gift of writing that I would find my solace.
There are so many people in my life that won’t understand this
And I can only say this now, today after so much work and love… that I am in a good place, that I don’t feel like I need to make them understand anymore… why I love this blog, the outlet, the community, the writing process and all it means to me. I can own my gift without anyone’s approval, that I am a writer. I am so thankful for the ability to do what I do. I am truly grateful.
However, it’s in these fragile moments, these seasons are where the pain becomes more than we can bear… the world is just to heavy and you feel that you have nowhere to turn. That’s when things get real.
That’s I wanted to share…
The power of crossing path with a stranger is what might make the biggest different in our life. I know it did for me. This isn’t where my story started but it is where my story began to change. I was at a massive cross roads in my life. The enemy was speaking loud to me and I was in deep, but a light still was burning. I just needed someone… Someone to help spark the light and this is what I want to share with you all now. HOPE.
It wasn’t my husband, who I adore that saved me from my close demise. It wasn’t my parents, siblings or a single one of my family members. It wasn’t even my friends, a church member, or neighbor. And as much as it pains me to say it… it wasn’t even my children. Though it was my kids that did keep me hanging on most days… I still was just white-knuckling it.
Honestly, some of these people that I’ve mentioned above caused the pain, my hurt and would have gladly handed me the knife. To this day I’m not sure they understand the part they played. Some of these people also helped in my healing and recovery. Now, I have to be good about boundaries, that’s my job. I believe we all love each other, even if we don’t do it well at times.
In the end of all of this
Two things happened, the first thing being, I learned to start excepting people where they are, for who they are, and if I can’t then it’s time move on without them. That’s part of accepting that apology you may never get, and it’s both the hardest and most freeing thing that you’ll ever do for yourself.
The second thing is how engaging the people in our life with real care and meaning so important. Small talk can be big, because it can open doors. Do everything with great intention. Some people will only know the Jesus we show them within ourselves. So a little kindness can go a long way.
This is where’s my connection with Jon comes in.
A single comment
Jon was another blogger here on WordPress. We met while I was living in California, 2018-2019 . I was doing terrible, both physically and mental at this point, he found me at my ultimate worst. However, writing wise I was feeling very inspired. My pain was the catalyst for every word that I wrote, and at that moment it was poetry. Most all my poems were full of sorrow and anger.
Back then writing and crying came hand in hand. It would feel like torcher to write but yet such a healing release. Jon would refer to it as a cry for help, he couldn’t be more right. Even with writing being such a painful process for me, I was somehow publishing 2-3 post a day. I guess, I was screaming for help some days more then others.
I have since deleted many of the journal post from my time living in California because I just doing want to relive any of my time there but you might still find a few poems I wrote. If you plug in any date from 2018-2019 I am sure you might find something. Here are a few poems you can read if you’re interested.
Alone and Do You See Me, both written out sadness but also anger. Tired of being controlled and out of control. I couldn’t stand my life continuing on in the state that it was for another day… yet it did. Day after day.
I had no one to turn to
The struggles seem to go on and on, day after day. I am sure to read about my bad days must have been such a bore. But I had no one to talk to about how badly things had gone off the rails. I was a real disaster. There wasn’t a single day that went by that I wasn’t a crying mess. I would cry multiple times a day, full of shame, emotions out of control. I wasn’t sleeping anymore and would wander the house at night unable to sleep. If I did get any sleep, it was for a short periods of time, only to wake from a terrifying nightmare that would haunt me for days, until the next one would come and do the same! It was a never ending cycle! I seriously believe I was being spiritual attacked by something in our home. This was all I wrote about. My life was consumed by the bad, the darkness and negativity.
Being very weak at this time in my life and so far from God in my own spiritual walk, I was an easy target for evil to mess with my life. I’ve never experienced anything like it and I hope I never do again.
I can’t remember the first day or the first post when Jon and my path crossed. But I do believe it was a Devine intervening. I believe whole- heartily that God uses everything and everyone for His greater plan! That did indeed happen here! Jon and my relationship started out slowly as he read my cries for help and reached out to me through the comment section. That’s when things began to change courses for me.
Jon will be sharing his point of view through emails that I have copied and posted. Please stick around and read through our thoughts.
Please share your thought in the comment or by email for either of us. We’ll be glad to keep in touch!
I was pretty big into binge reading random blogs at the time. I don’t know what I was doing with my own blog at the time.. my blog seemed to have hit a little spurt at the time (I was finally getting followers and interaction). I thought if my blog was going to grow and I could ever do anything with my blog then I had to get out there, read, comment and let people know I was around.Jon’s email insert
I believe I found your blog through Stuart Tutt’s blog. I think… I clicked on your blog and found a ton of emotions. Your poetry was awesomeness! And I felt a realism in your posts. I thought this woman has a way with words! But more and more I read, I felt something… I felt the darkness. I felt like you were a private person. Someone who didn’t like to talk a lot. Probably didn’t want goofiness and particular humor. But I felt like I needed to talk.
Jon had made a simply commented on one of my poems. I don’t remember what he said and he doesn’t remember either. Jon has since deleted his first blog from back in those days and currently has his newest blog on private and honestly maybe deleting that one as well. Although we don’t remember the exact words from way back then, we know it started with a simple comment of concern that started our connection, but moreover it was Jon’s ability to read between the painful whimsical lines of each sad, dark line of my poetry that brought a simple comment to life saving measures.
You were the first person other than myself who tried to call for help but didn’t know how. And I think I started picking up on it. Honestly, I give myself no credit. At all. I read when you posted. And I tried to be a constructive and encouraging commenter. But I had no clue what you were going through. And many times when I checked on you, it was because I felt a nudge… it’s been a while since I’d heard anything from you. So I think I’m just going to see…. I acted on these nudges with other followers who said later they were at particular times when something was happening to them. I had no idea. That’s entirely Jesus right there. I just felt the nudge to ask and I did. So it was Jesus letting you know He was/is still there and your life meant everything to Him.Jon’s email Insert
But I liked your blog because you are an awesome poet, your writing is real, it just resonated with me. Still does. You don’t sugarcoat nothing! But at the time, I felt like something wasn’t right. And I felt the nudge just to check on you. After a couple months I began to realize that something really wasn’t right and despite the fact that you weren’t asking for help, or talking much, it was the Lord showing that you were trying to ask for help but you didn’t know how or possibly something else. There were times where I felt the need to just see how you were. So I’d ask. I completely had no idea what was going on with you though. I was just trusting these nudges.Jon’s email Insert
Even in the deepest depths of my depression, I was thankful to have someone checking in on me. It was nice to have someone care enough to ask me how I was doing for a change. It also nice that someone was interested in my writing. It was surprising and different for me to have anyone care what was happening to me, but it was still nice. He was becoming a breath of fresh air, a positive spot in my week, a bright point in what was all darkness.
Still I was fading fast, now suicidal. Somehow I had convinced myself it’s be fine to disappear totally. This might seem so cliché but it isn’t what you might think. I didn’t thinking no one would be sad and life would be better without me. Actually, I had no thoughts at all. I was numb. I wasn’t thinking at all. I was basically a corpse walking around already. I wasn’t living… so it only made sense to just stop torturing myself and finish the job as harsh as that sounds. I knew that some people might be sad for a little while but in my very broken mental, unhealthy mind; the sad people would heal and move on as people every day do. They would be fine eventually. Honestly, I was alive and no one was talking to me at this time… so what was the point? What would be the difference? That was my messed up thinking. It was wrong and broken thinking, and terrible self-criticism.
You’re not alone
Help is available
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-8255
Every time that isolation would get to me, the negativity would eat at me, the voice of hate would start repeating that evil talk in my head, my phone or computer would chime. I was being saved by the bell! It was a notification from Jon. He was checking to see how I was doing. Other times, he was sending me a Bible verse. It was always something to keep me focused on God and life in a positive way. Jon was a constant encouraging word or telling me to pray, start those Bible devotions! I would get that chime notification, right as I was falling apart. A blessing in disguise.
As our friendship grew I began to have a respect for you that I have for a very few others. You know, we’re just 2 different people in 2 different places in the world. We really don’t know each other. Probably wouldn’t recognize each if we passed by each other slowly with few others around. But the trust we’ve had in each other is purely a treasure. I’ve told quite a few people my testimony on the blog but few people have received it as well as you. And few have opened up as much as you.Jon’s email insert:
It makes me regret deleting The Eclectic Contrarian. But at the same time.. I needed to go. Maybe it was a good idea maybe it wasn’t. I’m sure some people might be offended to know I’m back. But after returning and so many people cared less for my return, I didn’t few the need to reach out anymore. I have my closest friends from the old blog and I want a small but very faithful and committed following.
I started to followed advice
I prayed. Prayer became all I could to do get myself of bed somedays. What a Mercy it was for me! A cry to God above to get me up and moving everyday. Prayer got me into the shower, got me dressed and off to work. It was not easy and actually it was totally uncomfortable at first but over time it becoming easier for me. I started to do one Bible devotion, a Bible Study and then two and before I knew it, I was doing 7 or more. I felt so proud to tell him all about it! I was on a roll. I could feel my spirit lighten.
Zephaniah 3:17 AMP
The Lord your God is in your midst, A warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with joy; He will be quite in His love (making no mention of your past sins), He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
I wish we still had those messages that we first exchanges and the evolution of the friendship and growth, because I remember him being proud of me too. He was a prayer warrior for me! Jon always celebrated in prayer for my success’s! It felt really good to have someone proud of my growth and wasn’t throwing shade in face. I still was up and down a lot, this was about the time that I got a message to get extra help.
I remember being scared and frustrated by this, because getting mental health help is really hard. Back before Better Help Talk Therapy was around, it was damn near impossible! I had already tried for my daughter and myself and we were put on a 2 years waiting list! I didn’t think there was any help out there for me.
I had a bit of a relapse at this point because I believed if God alone couldn’t save my broken mind no one could. So depression returned and I got bad again. But only for a moment.
I believe in God and my faith is strong. But I need my eye glasses to see. I can’t faith my sight back and go drive my kids to school. God gives His people all kinds of help, opportunities, resources, connections; to heal, to get better, to save us. We just need to stop making excusses for why we don’t use what He offeres us?
During my search for a counselor, I had reached out to my personal doctor. She was very concerned as well and did what she could as my primary care doc. She knew that writing was a good outlet for me and she needed to know more about my days, plus at this time my physical health was a wreck. She had me start writing everything under the sun that could possible happen to me for 30 days at a time, this would include, what I ate in a day, drank, my daily routine from am-pm, along with my thoughts, and my interactions with people I would encounter in the day. This journal was a goldmine of activity! I did this for 2 months in a row before I was able to researched out to AduroLife. They are a separated company that my husbands company partnered up with. Once I made contact they thought they might be able to help me…. and man did they ever.
Links here for Mental Health Help: https://adurolife.com/contact-us/
What a road!
To make a VERY long story a tiny bit shorter. I did finally start getting talk therapy help, after I played a long game of hard to get with my mental health team. I did need a whole TEAM to get myself back on track!
I was extremally scared and fearful! I was absolutely and utterly broken. My mind, spirit and body shattered into millions of little pieces! Slowly, with a team of amazing, very patient, awesome people I started to tear apart my life from the beginning. Finally start healing to put back all of the those broken slivers that had ripped me apart since I was a little girl. I got to grieve for her and celebrate her. Now, that little girl is all grow up and I will protect her, care for her and nurture her. I am able to feel joy and be joyful! I am happy and can spread happiness! Even when I am angry or sad it can’t over take me.
I think the issue is that all too often the person who helps everyone else and tries to be the encourager is the one everyone takes for granted. I feel like all too often I take the blog much more seriously than others do. People who are casual bloggers don’t understand and probably don’t care. My mission is completely different. I’m not trying to be a glory hog or want a large following. I just want people who need me and want to be a part of my life and blog. Isn’t that what a pack does?Jon’s Email insert
I have thought about this often. Jon and I have remained friends, supporting one another with our writing, encouraging each other through the ups and downs of life. I’ve always believed he was and is a great writer, far superior to me and all my many typos!
However, being that we’re both empathic people, we feel on a deeper level, things hit us harder than others. These feelings, emotions can become overwhelming at times. Many times empathic people are told they’re too much.
YOU CARE TOO MUCH
YOU ARE TOO EMOTIONAL
YOU ARE TOO SENTIVE
I think in my own healing and recovering, which is a never-ending process that I’ve learned to love exploring… I have not been there for my friend the way he might have needed me to be. Yet, in our many conversations we both can relate to being the lone helper. We want to be there, to offer an ear, a hand, a shoulder to lean on, but never having a shoulder to lean on ourselves can be hurtful. Isn’t that just the way?
Not to not say we only help to get something in return. That’s not the heart of an empath. However, we all have a story, struggles and need to be heard, a hand to help pull us up from time to time. It’d be nice if the love was returned. The cared was shared. If it was mutual.
In building a friendship with a stranger from WordPress, I was able to rebuild my relationship with God. I have to say that is the best gift that I’ve ever received in my life. I don’t know about you but I truly do know what life is like WITH Him verse WITHOUT Him! I don’t ever want to be without my God ever again.
I have a stronger marriage and more fruitful relationship with my family and friends. He helped and encouraged these relationships! I still speak to my counselor and life coach to this day and have added a webinar class to my mental health regiment that meets twice a month.
My physical health is so much better too! I have my thyroid condition under control and have lost a total of 75.6 LB since April 2021. I eat healthy, workout daily and take care of my WHOLE self. Sometimes that means doing things other people don’t understand or like but boundaries are important.
My spiritual health is good too! I am active in a great church now! Volunteering in the Children’s Church, Sunday activities and weekly Bible Study with amazing women of all different walks of life! I still continue to do many Bible devotion own my on and with friends and I am so thankful for that! Also my whole family is involved in the church and this is special to me as a mom and wife!
You are worth saving and I would do it all again!Jon’s email insert
I know Jon won’t take credit for a saved life or the success I’ve made to get myself back on track, even through I said he saved me… he was the spark that lite the flame. All we need sometimes is a tiny bit of light to see a glimpse of hope. That’s what I so desperately needed at that time in life and I’ll be forever grateful he took the time to care.
I don’t believe it was an accident that we crossed path or that he made such an impact on my life. Jon could have not listened to the nudge. He could have chose not to message me, to send those Bible verses. But because he did they made all the difference in my life!
Make good choices
I will end this already long post and first every collaboration with a simple but meaningful last line.
Make good choices when you encounter others, you may have a lasting impact. Good and bad.
- A special thank you to Jon for being a constant support and spiritual leader. Thank you so much for doing this collab with me and dealing with my repeated emails! I want to also thank my husband as well, for coming along side me through all this… even though you were a bit slow buddy! I know I’m a lot and sometimes not enough, but you love me anyway! I’m so happy to be in this space together now! Thank you to my mental health team, my family and friends and this awesome blogging community! I’m thankful everyday that I take a breath, strike a key on the keyboard, see my kids smile and can enjoy my life! I know how short and precious it is! What a gift to be a part of God’s abundance everyday!