The worst feeling… Useless trash
Probably the hardest most frustrating thing, I’ve had to experienced is when things are totally out of my hands. Experiencing hopelessness, pain, struggling, loss, fighting, and sickness… just bad things at every turn and it’s out of my hands…. There’s nothing I can do to change it. It’s the absolute worst, most suffocating feeling, I have ever felt in my life.
When you think about things that you can’t choose, the first things that comes to mind for me, is being born and to whom, or how your treated as a child. These things can stick with you for a really long time… I know.
A positive experience as a child can be night and day, to a negative one for a child’s future. But at the same time, we heard of those who were born into awful situations and do amazing things. People who were completely unloved from day one and turned out to be the most amazing, loving, and successful people on earth.
I had some struggles as a child. There were some things that I heard and saw that I I would never let my own kids be around. Those things changed the person I would have been, in both a good and bad way. I think many of us can say the same thing.
This is something I spent a lot of time working on, in counseling. That no one is just born all great and sparkly or damaged and useless, despite what their parents might think of their child. We all have our stuff.
I would have trouble finding my purpose, my great dream for a really long time! It wasn’t because I was too damaged to have one. It was because I needed to attach myself to the One who would draw it out of me. But back then I didn’t see it that way. I believed I was useless trash. I saw myself the way I was bring treated.
I had only been around people who put me down and taught me how to close myself up and other off. I was really great at doing that. But that is not what God wants us to do. He is a God of relationships. I needed to be enlighten by His calling on my life. But again, I didn’t see that back then…
Change your mind… Change your life
18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, Ephesians 1:18
It’s really difficult to change your thoughts. Especially, when you’ve made it had habit to think only one way forever. If you believe you can’t, then you’re right. If you believe you can... you’re also right. Which “right” would you rather be?
It was the Apostle Paul, who spoke about the eyes of your mind. I believe he was talking about your thoughts, the things you believe, the things we fix our mind on.
God always had a dream for me. He made me with a great purpose in mind. I know this! I have to have faith in this and live it out. No matter the past hurts of my life. No matter the current ones. I know God has a calling for my life and yours. Now getting your thoughts to align with this is hard, it’s work. But it can be done.
Sometimes though, when things are so hard, so painful, so out of hands, we lose hope for that dream that God has. It’s hard to see God’s calling on our life. That’s one struggle, I have had for many years of my life.
Even after I made peace with things from my childhood. I still had experiences from my adulthood, I had to deal with. We all do.
Marriage pains, extend families issues, moving to new places all the time, loneliness, disrespect, finances, trust issues, living in consent fear, being abandons and cast aside… It seemed to happen whenever anyone got the slight bit irritated… I just felt like I didn’t know how to talk or be around anyone more.
Something was always going wrong. Someone was always mad or “didn’t care” anymore. It was exhausting on my soul. I was in zombie mode. Hollow and numb. No one cared about being a decent human, being understanding and kind to each other.
Why would I treat myself with compassion when the people that should love me didn’t? You learn fast who’s love is very conditioned and very limited. It make a relationship with them rocky and fragile. So I wasn’t kind, understanding, or gentle with myself… I just didn’t care either. I abandon myself the same they ways left. I reflected everyone else’s selfish jerk behavior right back on to myself.
Instead of drawing closer to the One who loved me the most, I pulled further and further away. Until I didn’t feel God anywhere anymore. I was ready die. The enemy was winning. I didn’t just draw away from God. I pulled away from anyone who cared for me. Not that I had many people with good intent in my life at the time… but I still ran from anyone who was genuine and love me, but I hated me.
My family treated me like trash, easy to throw away. All it took is one disagreement and in the trash I went. My husband didn’t see me at all. He was busy being all California, Hollywood and stuff. Cool. My friends were only friends as long as I wasn’t myself at all. I had nothing…. So I thought.
Never lose hope in the dream
God did give me a dream. There was hope. That’s the thing my counselor speaks of this a lot to remind me. It was His dream… not mine. His purpose on my life… not my forceful control of thing. He made to be a mom, a writer, a creator, a homemaker, to reach people, to listen. He was refining me, strengthen me. And there are times in my life, I need to just be more mom and homemaker… even I want to be more teacher and writer… I need to listen to what God wants me to do.
My calling, my purpose will change and evolve over time as I do. But I have to be willing to go with His plan for my life. Not my husband’s plans, or my plan, or my family’s plan…. But God’s plan. My hope starts when I understand it’s in God’s hands, not in mine!
It’s in God’s expectations for me… not the worlds.
He a vision for my life and that excites me! I can’t hide away in fear and be scare to live the life God has for me! But I do 100% want significance in my life and who wouldn’t? I want to be fulfilled! Don’t you?
Everyday I have to remember, I am living and following the dream that God has for my life! My life is in His very capable hands!
When I think back to those day, I was just barely existing, I didn’t feel God’s presence in life. I was hopeless. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I don’t want to live one second without God in my life fully active everyday! If anything that time in my life taught me it’s that I can not live with out Him! I can have lots of things but without Him, my soul is lost.
The circumstances in our life can make being joyful hard at times. We get dealt a crappy hand that we never asked for. I get it better than anyone! And in our humanness, we may chose to be mad at God for this. Why would he allow such pain to happen in our life?
Stop living in regret and live
I remember feeling just like this! I was so confused. Being a faithful believer and going through all that I was… I didn’t understand why! I was mad at God even at times. “Look at the world and these shitty people you have me around! There’re so fake and mean to everyone!”
I felt totally alone! Like I was in a very bad movie, I couldn’t get out of! I hated every single second. Even now, I can feel a panic attack coming on thinking back about how terrible being there was. So alone. So hatful, so gross.
But… after LOTS and LOTS of works, one day I was told 4 little words. Stop living in regret. I didn’t see how I was living in regret at the time, but after some big conversations over many months, I saw it.
I felt really bad for myself. I was grieving so much! The lost of my Colorado home and all the hard work it took us to get that place. Years and years of hard work to finally get a job that I loved, and I just left it… it was gone. I never heard a thank you from my husband. The sacrifice I made to follow him. Everyone just expected to me be fine and I wasn’t. I missed my parents… even if they drove me crazy. I missed the relationship they had with my kids. Seeing me sad, killed me and I was alone to deal with their pain. I missed my friends and the familiarity of the place that I had known my whole life.
I was grieving the death of a whole chapter of my life and all the memories, and the work I had put into that life! While my husband went on his merry way in a life all set up for him. I was in terrible pain and it was killing me that no one understood. Even I didn’t fully understand.
Beyond my control
All this was beyond my control. Sure, I could have left my husband and stayed in Colorado with my career and house, but that wouldn’t have solved my problem or healed my pain. It would have only made a new problem and a new pain.
No matter what this world does…No matter what the people in this world do… God still has a plan and it’s bigger and greater than the people and the world. Nothing can stop God and nothing can separate God from us… nothing.
God always had a great plan for my life. No matter where I was, or who I was around. I just needed to stop living in regret, stop living in fear, stop living in the past. We don’t have to get even and make the things fair. God will do all that. My only job is to forgive, to have faith and to follow Him.
I had to make the purposeful decision to stop living with regret. Stop grieving my past life and l start fully living the one God had giving me. Despite all the pain and struggle God was with me. I didn’t understand why I went through all I had or was, or why life was painful at times, but I did know God was walking through it all with me. I wasn’t alone. I knew there was more instore for me. I was made for more than just pain, fighting and this consent BS around me. I ready to blast all the madness away from for good!
At that times, I didn’t see Gods great dream or plan for me, but I believed in it. This was hard to believe in at times. I almost had to lie to myself to change my thinking, to convince myself I was worth being loved, so I prayed and talked to God all the time about it. Everyday I would get closer and closer to seeing it become real. My tomorrow would look and feel brighter and more hopeful every day that went by.
The more I prayed and would meditate on God’s plan for me, I believed in it. I stopped living in the past and started to look forward at what God had planned for my life and believed that whole heartily. I started to see the vision God had for me and not my own, and it was perfect! It was beautiful. It was better than I ever could have imagined for myself.
I wanted to have a great life, full of hope, joy and love. But I didn’t see it, and I sure did not feel it many times. I was lost and had no purpose at all. But like a weak muscle that needed to be strengthened, once I started to fix my eyes on God’s plan for me, daily, nightly… all the time, instead of my thoughts, my own plans… things started to come together.
My faith was stronger. My relationship with Jesus was so thick is reverberated off of me everywhere I went! I had no doubts in my future, where my hope came from… I was alive in my faith for the first time ever!
The real gift from God
Enlighten you could say! Finally having the SAME dream as God for my life is something different. You are no longer fighting against God, or searching for your meaning on this earth. This is the gift.
It’s been the work of a lifetime to get to this point. Even now I have to go back and remind myself of the gifts God have given me and just follow it. The joy that it is to discover what new things He has in store for me, because I trust ALL His plans for me are for good. No one can change that… no one.
Sometimes that means that I have to put in some work, be uncomfortable and make hard choices. But I know God is right there working right beside me, moving things in me favor. He does this by putting good people in my corner and blessing me in the most amazing ways!
He has blessed me with a wonderful husband who loves me, gives me encouragement, strengthen and cherishes me. I’m so thankful for that! I have real friends now that allow me to be myself and wouldn’t want me any of way! God’s given me a place to worship and sing his praises. Because of God growing my confidence, I joined the women’s Bible Study group, Women’s Breakfast and am now teaching again. I just needed His strength.
I trust in the person God has made me to be. I understand that not everyone will like this person and I am good with that. God made different people for them. I have a voice and He wants me to use it. So I will, but He gave me ears too… and I’ll use those more. Either way, I know I’ll have good and bad days and He will be there with me through them all.
I’ve discovered through therapy and through lots of prayer, that I was never really alone in this dark world. I was like many others… dealing with hard things we never wanted or asked for. I was in pain and grieving so many painful loss. All of that had me severely depressed and full of anxiety. I wasn’t living… I was in full regret.
So many of us have been there and are there now. I still wake up every morning and remind myself of how far I’ve come. How much worse it could be. I wake and tell God how very thankful I am that I was one of the ninety-nine, He came back for. No doubt I’d be dead if He didn’t.
I would rather live a short life, fully free, and experience all God has for me, all His joy and love. Then a long life in fear and scared, hiding, waiting to die. I will choose Him and His Will every single time.