I have had some trouble bring in my therapy conversations, going over some past things and what I am currently doing. I just am having some trouble pulling it all together in a blog post. I want it to all be as fluid and meaningful as possible. I want it to make sense, not get boring for everyone. I don’t want to rumble on and one.
It’s hard because I have healed so much and going back through the past isn’t really something that I want to do or frankly, need to do again. But that doesn’t mean, I don’t still have somethings hiding away in the darkness. I’ve always said, I’m an on-going-project, processing and changing and growing.
God help me. I have known God most of my life but I didn’t really have that great of a relationship with Him until much later in life.
My Grandparents on my moms side were strict Lutherans and it was them alone who made sure, I didn’t “make the same mistakes that my mother did.” Their words, not mine. It wasn’t till later in my life that I found that I was one of those mistakes.
My grandparents were the most important people to me in the whole world, and to this very day I thank them for their love and guidance. I don’t know where I’d be without them. However, they were hypocritical as many strict religious people can be. They talked a lot about love but were very limited on who should receive it. They spoke about the importance of forgiveness but they didn’t forgive freely, if anything they were very condemning. There were many time as a young person that I believed that my grandparent hated they own children, especially my parents. This was really confusing to me.
I didn’t really like my parents either much as a kid. As a teenage, I could say I pretty much hated them. I tired to never see them if possible. We lived in a very stressful household. My grandparent were my one and only escape from the madness that was my home.
It wasn’t until I was much older I saw how my Grandparents may have hinder my relationship with my parents. I spoke to my health team back just over 3 years ago now about all my stuff. My really crappy stuff. My grandparent came up a ton. After all, they were a major part of my life.
When it was said back to me that my grandfather seem to have a great influence over my life and thoughts. Well, yes, of course that’s true. I cared what his opinion was. Then my counselor at that time said,” no, I mean he could really direct your thoughts.” I argued about this for at least five minutes.
NO WAY! He didn’t tell me what to do or think! He was supportive and caring. He bought us food and clothes! Yes, he was all those things my consoler responded because your parents… in your (my) words, didn’t care like they should have. They weren’t doing a good job being parents. They could have done better if they weren’t partying all the time. If only they would have made you a priority. I stopped.. it was silent.
He was right in a way. I would talk to my grandparents all the time because I stressed out, frustrated by my sisters, our house, school, not having food. I hated my house in high school and they had moved to North Carolina. I talked to them all the time. But I didn’t know any of those things until my grandpa said them to them. My frustration turned to angry, then sadness, realizing my parents didn’t care about me.
It killed me to now see my grandparents in this light. Instead of them talking me off the cliff, the pushed me. When I hated my parents, they had my love all to themselves. I let them control my mind. I let a lot of people push me around when I was young. I unfornatenly, let too many people control my mind.
God’s gift to me
The most incredible gift God has ever given me is to think, to create, to make choices. To have a mind.
I’ve always been a very creative person. Forever, I have loved music, dance and art. Drawing, writing, crafting, it’s always been a relaxing outlet for me. God gave me an incredible ability to imagine. It’s actually my favorite thing about me.
God is a creator also. The One and only as matter a fact! The Bible says that God himself imagined the whole universe and then He created it! He thought it and then He made it a reality!
God gave us all the abilities to think and make choices. He wants us to use our minds wisely. It’s our most powerful and beautiful gift. I just believe that God gave me a mind that does more then make choices, and think, it creates.
I feel that I am honoring God when I am being creative. Whether it’s planting, dancing to music, writing, crafting…. whatever it is. I am using my most beautiful gift. The gift the He blessed upon me. I am so thankful that. I feel so close to God when I am creating.
I didn’t always feel that way because I was letting my gift be abused and use by others, unknowingly. I believe that my grandparents may have been trapped in their own little religion box. Not much fit in the tiny box. I think they also wanted to protect me from the sin they believed my mom had committed. But the biggest part was they had a ton of unspoken guilt and shame. They didn’t want my mom to have me. They pushed her to have an abortion.
Now having me in their life, my parents married and having 3 other children (2 living), it kind of busted all they believed was her future as a teen mom. They truly had a good life but didn’t have too many people rooting for them. Not even their kids. That’s terrible!
My grandparents loved me deeply and although it’s never been spoken about, I think it killed them that they almost snuffed my life right out. But that didn’t stop them from manipulating my thoughts.
I won’t lying. The new realization of this (3 years ago) was hard on me and even talking to them for awhile was hard. There has never been a conversation, and they never will be.
My grandparents, are now 90. I feel so blessed to still have them in my life! They are the reason that I even knew who Jesus was at all. They taught me how to pray. They gave us food when we were hungry. Clothes to wear to school. They taught me how to cook, clean, play checkers, bingo, and they were really great grandparents. They took me out of some very stressful, annoying situations when I was younger and I will forever to grateful for that!
Nothing becomes reality until we think it. Our minds are so awesome! So powerful! They are truly God’s most special gift to us all.
I decided to use my mind by asking a question. What would happen if I did this? What’s the out coming that I am hoping for? What do I want to get out of this?
Taking back my mind has been the BIGGEST power trip and flex ever in my life. I feel untouchable in the best way. My confidence is restored! Thinking for ones self is powerful. Using God gift is the ultimate power!
I choose to put myself in my parents shoes and think about what they might have gone through back then. We have had some conversation and it’s helped. We are in a good place because of that.
I also decided to forgive my naïve grandparents. One, because I see the sliver lining. Two, they’re super old. There comes a point when you know a big conversation might actually do more damage at their age. I choose to love, forgive, and move on.
I now have knowledge that I didn’t before. I’m thankful for that.
1 John 3:2