I’m just a Droid….
Have you ever felt like you’re just going through the motions, barely keeping up, but still showing up somehow? That’s me right me. I’m not depressed at all. Apparently my look out, on call, prison guards, that keep watch for sneaky depression have done a great job on that front. However, they missed anxiety by a football field!
I have no one to blame for this but myself. I knew invite certain things and people into my life would change things. My fear and worry started then, but I thought I got it under control… the lies we tell ourselves to keep moving forward… to keep everyone happy, even ourselves.
I stopped being able to write, to blog. My family needed me more, and I was glad to be there for them. I love nothing more then to be a mom and a wife! It’s the best job in the world! But with everything going on you need balance and the scales were tipping, and not in my favor.
Old habits started coming back. Things that I swore we discussed, and promised to changed. My load was becoming heavier and heavier. Pretty soon, writing was near impossible, working out was something that I had to squeeze in and privacy is nonexistence in this house! My cell would ring off the hook… “where are you, mom!” Trying to do a Bible devotional or Study before I had to face the world… Well, there’s no time for that, without setting my alarm extra earlier!
Basically, I need to do everything for everyone, while the family sits back and watches me. If I decide to do anything for me, my marriage, my work…. Well, that’s just unacceptable! It’s as if I’m being selfish, a bad mom! Maybe I am putting those labels on myself? Either way, when you’re being ran ragged, judged, and unheard… you feel this way.
What’s set in now for me , is moving from one thing to the next with a smile on my face, but I’m not there. Physically, I’m there, but mentally I’ve checked out. The expectations from the family, the new situation and what I’ve allowed… once again… has caused me to be there but not really.
I’m just droid.
I felt this way awhile ago. I knew something was brewing in May but I pushed it away. I could feel it like winter coming back then. I treated it like a ghost. Don’t acknowledge it, than maybe it’ll leave me alone. But that did happened, it only got stronger and darker.
Comments were said and made worse. Stupid, unnecessary conversations were had, instead of important ones that should have been had. People got lazier, more dependent, more greedy and mean. My time was being taken up, used up and no one cared… not much was left for the things I need to keep me sane, or healthy. Money was being wasted, people unappreciated, drama was now a poison used on my family and making us all sick. It was all sucking me dry and killing my spirit.
June came and went. I thought it was getting better and things were okay. I knew there were things that were out of balance for sure, but everything was workable. I was able to write some and that helped a ton. Writing is and has always been the best way to process and release whatever has me tired up. I thought… I had a handle on it.
I was wrong. It was almost the moment that I came home from the small break that I had in June, I was punished for it. Was it jealousy? Was it others expectations of me? I just don’t know. Either way, no matter what I did it got worse and worse. The upheaval of it all was ridiculous. No one was happy.
My anxiety got higher, more extreme. Then came those headaches, the ones that don’t really ever go away and take over your whole body.
July now, I’m just sick with Migraines, Migralepsy – Wikipedia and sleepless nights… oh my word… all the nightmares! I feel physically and mentally just plain and simple bad. But I tell people I’m fine. But I am tell Jason I feel like anxiety because I know it’s bad.
I want to cry! I want to scream but I can’t because then everyone will know something is really wrong, and I’m upset. It’s my fault. Because it’s always my fault.
My birthday was in July. I turned 41 this year. I know, I’m super old! But on the bright side I live in Texas and it wasn’t a COVID Birthday this year! But still every year, my birthday stresses me out. I hate it! It didn’t use to be this way. It use to simple. People knew me and what I liked, but they don’t anymore. Now it’s not about what I like…
My sweet husband… He did try.
But those a lot to this story and part of me is worried about even explain it because it’ll get blown out of proportion. So maybe I can sum it up…
I do not like fancy, crowded places that require dressing up and are expensive. We have gone to places like that, but if we do that stuff, it’s just me and him, no kids and I feel incredible out of my element the whole time.
Anyway, before my birthday there was some MORE unnecessary dramatics by our extra family members that made things a bit awkward and tense. Jason’s plans did not include these people and I knew that was just going to make everything worse, make me look like the bad guy more… even though I hated the fancy place idea.. it was a mess.
So we changed everything to do some shopping, which I needed to do after I just lost 55.8 pounds, since March. Then we met everyone and went to dinner, at the Cheesecake Factor, and had cake at Jason’s Aunts place. It was nice and simple but like said awkward, and a little weird.
There was part of me that just wished I could have skipped the whole thing and did nothing at all. It was uncomfortable. My anxiety was so high the whole time that my hands keep going tingly on me. I love Jason’s family. His Aunt, Uncle and cousins are the sweetest people that I have ever met. But I seriously had trouble that day. It was nothing they did.. I was just struggling.
I’m not a fancy person but I was called that, that day. It shocked me and bothered me. I hated I didn’t wanted to go to that Tower restaurant Jason picked out first, but it was too fancy and expensive for me, but I was told I fit in those fancy places… it bothered me. They must not know me at all.
If I could have choose my birthday and not worried about who was invited or not invited or feelings… it would have been different. But I was worried about it… a lot! I was totally and utterly overwhelmed by it all!
I would have probably went for a drive with my family… just my 4 people and listened to some good music. Found a mom and pop diner and had some food and came home to watch a movie and went to bed. I would have loved going in the evening, with just Jason or maybe with our friend to get some coffee downtown and sitting outside, having some good conversation, watching the sunset. (our downtown is super tiny) Hitting a farmer market and getting a Bloody Mary for breakfast, or seriously just relaxing and having a small BBQ at home. Visiting my sister and laying in her pool with my puppy… that’s a good day!
I did have a good time with Jason shopping. It was really fast and we got coffee, which is my favorite thing to do. It was nice it be wearing 3 sizes smaller. It felt good. It was nice to just be with him too. I’m not just here to complain. It wasn’t all bad.
I just think I have put myself in some terrible situations that are overwhelming on it’s own. Having a tiny bit of anxiety would only make things worse… I have a lot.
But it doesn’t end there!
Keeping It All Straight
Making plans ahead of time should make things easier for me, but knowing I have so much coming up only adds to my stress, and it’s freaking me out. My schedule has been nonstop all summer. No breaks!
July is also when I my son turns 16! Jesus take the wheel! I can’t believe it and I don’t know where the time has gone at all. I feel like this whole summer has been the most busy summer of my whole life!
Handling a very busy summer, full loaded anxious brain, showing up as a shell of person, and it’s up to you to plan it and make sure it’s all running smoothly…. yay!
Okay… It’s not all up to me. My friends from Minnesota will be here in a few days! A lot of the planning I’ve putting on my self, but she’s helping a ton too. I just worry myself self to death. The last visit she was sick, the kids screamed their faces off. I’m not sure they enjoyed themselves at all. I felt so bad for them when they left. I thought they will NEVER see us again.
But I think we should blame California and head colds for that tip…
Anyway, we have the room for them at house and they will be here for a night or two. We’ll stay on The Riverwalk for a night and then a few nights in Port Aransas/ Mustang Island. I’m excited to see them. I need to relax at beach and really take a break… a real break. But kids… ya know… they make relaxing… not so relaxing.
My kids are older and we haven’t seen each other in 2 years, so everyone has grown up and changed a bunch! And even though my kids suck the life right out of me, they know “the look.” The look of you’re close to enjoying your time alone in isolation look. I’m not playing either.
These other kids mom, I think is much nicer than me. I’ve written about her before. She’s seriously the mom that I aspire to be. I am just far too limited… way to limited. So as much as my kids drag me all over town, I love watching them in their actives, and giving them all the freaking opportunities that I possibly can… she goes wayyyyy beyond. I say no… nope… nada. I just can’t.
I mean as you’re reading… I’m freaking overwhelmed and my anxiety is through the roof! She’s the best mom and wife and I love her for that. I think that I am great mom and wife too. After all what I’ve had to deal with should at least get me a participation award. I just think she’s better!
Write it down
The brain static has been on high. I can’t focus, stay on task, I’m overwhelmed and feel like I’m a robot.
I have shake this somehow. The only thing I can think to do is to write. I love to write and it’s always been my saving grace. The best way to process it all, calm me down, organize my thoughts and get some life back inside this anxious shell of person.
I like my list. I write down down everything. I have two planners, lots of different notebooks for different things, and this blog. They all serve a very important service to me and I need them. This is my medication!
Just like walking in the mornings, doing my devotions, going to Bible study. COFFEE! It helps me to be the best version of myself. Without those things, I get lost in everybody else wants and needs. The things I need to keep away, that make me unhealth have an easier time to sneak back in.
I write to stay sane, to stay health, to be happy. It gives me joy. I love it, even if no likes what I wrote. My planner and notebooks are therapeutic to me. This stuff is what keeps me strong, mental and physically. I don’t care if anyone agrees or not. I need it.
That means sometimes I have to tell my kids to leave me alone. I need to workout, alone! I need to write or read… ALONE! I shouldn’t feel bad about that! And I wish they wouldn’t make me feel bad about that. Some people recharge alone. I am that person.
I’m not a broke bone
The trouble with mental brokenness is you can’t see it. It’s not a cold or a bone bone. You can’t just use an ace bandage, pop a few pills, sleep it off and all is well. It is something you have to care for forever in some cases.
I work at this everyday. Like I said before, I am on guard with my depression 24/7. I didn’t even pay attention to anxiety and look where I am now. I’m so stressed out, frustrated! I knew the depression would be sneaky and could come back at anytime and still could. So I am careful with it and now I need to be more careful in this area too.
What I wish more people knew and understood is that I am not broken, but also I do have limits. My “situation” you can’t see, but it’s there. I’m managing it daily, hour by hour, minute by minute. You can’t solve me like a riddle. I don’t need to be put back to together, and I’m not missing any parts. I don’t need a healing, so cleansing.
But you can be more respectful of the things that help me stay healthy. My personal boundaries. When I need time alone, give it to me and don’t try to make me feel guilty about it. Guilt is about manipulation for your own benefit and that’s wrong!
Doing the things that keep me inline, healthy, joyful is important! Just like we all need time to ourselves to get our work done through the day… so do I!
I need to go to bed feeling like I too have achieve goals for myself… not just me helping everyone else with theirs. Craving out time for me to work on my business goals, write, cook and clean, working on my physical health and spiritual health, is important to me. Just like I want everyone else to be successful, happy and healthy, ya’ll should want that for me too!
Having a balance of time with my family, extra family, friends and time alone is hard at times, but I’ve done it before. It’s possible. Sometimes, I have to say no to people and they get mad. Right now, I’m struggling with that. I don’t want anyone mad. I need some help with that.
I want some help with my older children being… their age… but they need me a lot and I’m trying to just be okay with that, and telling them bug off when I need a break from all the snack making. But still, I need help with that. I feel like I am the life force for everyone and in the end, I’m going to end up being the empty Cicada shell we see on ground… gross. Everyone else will fly away, all beautiful and colorful, and I’ll be the dead, gross shell on the ground.
I had to tell my daughter to go away this morning 3 times. Yes, you can eat breakfast 2 times, and yes it is still Tuesday 5 times. I checked her avocadoes for her avocado toast 2 times and said, “no thank you, I don’t want anything” 3 times. All before I told her do not come back in here again until I’m done. Where she stomped off and snorted.
My son was a little better. He came in to say good morning and sat on the bed. We spoke for a minute and I told him that I really wanted to finish this today before running earns, so he left to make his breakfast. He only came back in to ask about the laundry, pillows, his chores, feeding his dog and to lay on my bed and stare at me… not sure about that. I ignore him. Then decided to watch YouTube on his phone, I kicked him out. He just turned it down and stayed in my room.
I guess in away, I’m lucky I have kids that really like me and at 16 and 11 they want to hang out with me so bad. I don’t remember feeling that same way about my parents at all.
But one thing I did stick to, is finishing this all the way out, from beginning to end. That’s big for me! I still have plenty to do today, but just this was big!