I went to a party, Mom. I remember what you said. You told me not to drink , Mom, so I drank soda instead.
I felt really proud, Mom, the way you said I would. I didn’t drink and drive, Mom, even though the others did.
I know I did the right thing, Mom. I know you’re always right. Now the party’s finally ending, Mom, as everyone drives out of sight.
As I get into my car, Mom, I know I’d get home in one piece. Because the way you raised me, Mom, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled onto the road. The other car didn’t see me, Mom, and hit me like a load.
As I lie on the pavement, Mom, I wish you’d get here soon. How come it happen to me, Mom? My life bust like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom, most of it is mine. I heard the paramedic say, Mom I’d be dead in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn’t drink. It was the others, Mom, the others didn’t think.
He didn’t know where he was going, Mom, he was probably at the same party as I. The only difference is, Mom, he drank, and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life. I’m feeling sharp pains now, Mom, pains just like a knife.
I’m lying here dying, Mom, while all he can do is stare.
Tell my brothers not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave. And when I get to heaven, Mom write, “Daddy’s girl”, on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive. If only they had taken the time, Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom, I’m becoming very scared. Please don’t cry for me Mom, because when I needed you, you were there.
I have one more question, Mom, before I say good-bye. I didn’t ever drink, Mom, so why am I to die?
This is the end, Mom, I wish I could look you in the eye, to say these finally words, Mom.
I love you and good-bye.
I’ll Miss You forever…
But in May it hurts more…
Every Memorial Weekend, I feel the memories hit me like it was just yesterday. My world stopped and I was frozen in time. I remember being so pissed off that everyone else kept living their life, when hers had stopped.
I didn’t want to take another step, make any future plans, think, dream, be awake or even asleep. I wanted to just die with her. I wanted to go back in time, change the nightmare that we were living. I kept hoping and praying to dear God that she’d drive up in her teal Chevy Cavalier and she’d explain this terrible misunderstanding. I prayed that she was still with me, with us all.
I begged God that none of this was real. Wake me from this nightmare.
Over the months, I had to face the facts, it was real but it hurt to much, so I deiced to believe she was busy in her own life. Like we both had been in our high school days. Denial was all I could do, to not totally lose myself.
Still, as the year anniversary came and went, I found myself lost anyway. Drinking more and more. Struggling to maintain a life.
I rarely tell anyone this, but Kristy did visit me a few times, in my dreams. She would guide me back from my panic, my depression, my anxiety, my self demise. Over and over again, she would come, and every time I’d be so thankful. I tried to look at her so closely, paying attention to her every detail.
She never looked like how you’d expect. She was young, very young. Like our most playful and innocents days. Blonde hair, untamed and free, cotton shorts and tank top, which she’d never wear as a young adult. She hated shorts and would sweat it out in hot the Wray sun. But in my dreams, she was a young child, maybe 7 years old. Playful, relaxed, riding her bike, no worries and happy.
Her joy was uplifting. She didn’t speak much in my dreams but when she would it meant something. Like the time she told me to go to church because I would need it someday and that God was real. She told me to stand up few times, and she told me it means everything to stand up. She told me to protect myself from snakes, I’m sure that one had a few meanings. And the last time I saw her, a few months ago, she was running toward to sun, said good-bye Sarah. I chased after her and she never turned around to look at but waved her hand in the air. I woke up missing her all over. I don’t know what that dream was about, but I know she’s been guiding me and protecting for along time now. I’ve needed it and am so thankful for it.
And now I’ve circle the sun again. Another year with her not physically here. It hurts just the same. It’s now been something like 20 years… is the math right? Can that be? I feel like you were ripped from my life only yesterday.
Although my life did not stop, it did stall out. I had remorse for living and making plans for my life, when she was not. I knew it hurt my aunt to see Kristy’s friends, and her own nieces living their lives and knowing she was not able to do these things with her own daughter. I understood. I felt that guilt myself.
But God has a way… even in our pain to move us, shake us. Sometimes to move us, it’s gentle and slight and other times it’s a swift kick it the ass and I got both… a few times.
I got married and kept an angel in my hand to represent Kristy being with me. I had my son and put an angel in his diaper bag. We bought a house and put her picture up. I told her story and made sure my son would know her well. I had my daughter and put an angel in her bag as well, gave her a special “Gracie D” to put up in her room and started to tell her about this amazing person who changed my life. To this day her story is well known in my house and what she meant to my life. Her pictures comes with us in every house we have owned.
They know how I feel every Memorial weekend and where my heart goes. That I get sad and quite. That I reflect on the good times and remember that day when everything stopped in my world. But also how very grateful, I am for having such a beautiful , amazing person in my life. They know my fears of traveling on the holidays, I just don’t like to do it. They know how important family is to me, and the treatment and respect, we give each other, because you never know when one of us can be called home.
So I dedicate this post to you my sweet, amazing cousin. Your humor, your ambition, your drive, your joy for life was never lost on me. You inspired me to be a better, stronger person and still do everyday. I thank you for challenging me to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, meet new people and stand up! I am who I am today, because of you and will forever be eternally gratefully. I miss you forever.