I have wrote five different post and none of them I can post at this point.
I’m overwhelmed right now with emotions. I feel pulled in a few different ways about how I feel. This is causing my writing to be all over the place.
Honestly, I want to share the progress I’ve been going through and how far far it’s taken me. I’m about to have surgery and I can’t even get into it. I can’t explain what it is and how it’s going because it’s would be a 25 post series to explain it all! I haven’t even touched on any of these thing in a single past post.
Sure, I’ve talked about my weight gain, my other health issues and even my depression, but no one really knows what the last 10 months have been about for me. I haven’t spoke a single word. It’s all just swirling around trapped in my head. I keep it to myself… for now.
People know about my doctor’s visits and the team of health professionals I’ve gather, but still I haven’t unpacked anything on this blog or to anyone. I’m scared to even utter a word of it here or anywhere, to anyone.
So yes…I’ve written out, five times all my fears, my anxieties, annoyances that I fear are to come. Then I rewrote them again, and again, to never post them, and it sucks. I want to share with you what’s going on. Why I am doing what I am and how I got to this point but to do that honest, I feel like I would have to walk you through a lot from beginning to where I am right now. A lot that I don’t know if I am ready to say, and I know their are people who read this, aren’t ready to hear what I have to say.
What I can tell you all is that many changes are happening to me. My family and I are finally in our home and we love it. We still can’t believe it’s ours. I feel super protective of this place and the energy here. All I want is to have my family and I get some real happiness, real joy, be safe and just get to live our lives in peace for once. It’s been so damn long.
But with all that said, I still have some reservations. It’ll pass over time. It has nothing to do with Texas, We all love it here. It’s about the toxic nature of others and I’ll leave it at that.
I’ll also share that the kids are doing great in school, with great grades, making friends fast. Jason and I are settling in also and getting into our own routines slowly. We all really haven’t been happier in a really long time. So far Texas has been super good to all of us.
The next part of this, I can share is that we do have some family here. Jason has an Aunt and Uncle and some cousins. Soon his mom will be moved down here too. I have my sister, brother in law and niece. It’s been nice having family close. My kids have been in heaven with the family nearby again. They love it! For me, I’ve enjoyed having my sister in the same state but we’re still 4 hours away. I wish we could do stuff more often. Getting to know Jason’s Aunt and Uncle has been awesome! I love them so much! His Aunt Chris and I, I believe, could be very close but I don’t know how much his mother would like that… so we’ll see. I have just enjoyed so much having dinner with them and getting to know them. They’re great! I wish, I would have gotten to know them before his other family…(which are no longer in the picture) because they suck(ed)!
Also I feel like I can share that my parents will be staying with us to help me through my surgery. It’s going to be good to have them. I’m sure I’ll be fine, but life will be different for me. I’m scared. I’m super scared.
I’m scared of how my new life will be with the people, I live with. I don’t know how others will react, what will they say or do? I’m scare of my own reactions! Will I be able to remain calm when people have unwanted comments, butt-in, suggestions or just tell my story for me, to others? I don’t know.
Honestly people… I’ve been walking on a tightrope for the last few months and it’s dangerous place for me. I’m sick of feeling like I can’t talking about things or say what I need to but it’s so much, so I’m not.
Having all these unsaid, trapped things in my head is plain, not good! But I just cannot go there. Not yet. But God….do I want to.
Every attempt to share all that’s going on, becomes a rambling, it sounds angry, when I’m not really mad, I’m scared. All the things that I’m frustrated about, the things that I want to set straight, I want to record myself and cry it all out. All that has came to light for me in the last year through this phase 2 process of weight loss. The things that I knew, I was hiding away and the things I didn’t. I want so badly to tell you all what I’ve been going through and call people out, call myself out…but I can’t. It’s all so messy right now.
I’m asking that anyone who cares about me even a little, would bear with me. That you’d understand that I won’t share or be as open as I want to be right now, but in time it will all come out. The flood gates will open, like it or not… I’ll tell my story when it’s time.
I ask that anyone who reads my blog, wouldn’t give up on me or fabricthatmademe. I’m not done writing at all! Everything I said that I’m working on, I still am, it’s just taking me a little longer. My Let Me Tell You A Story series and the series with my Grandma is all coming. I’m still working and will be writing even in recovery, but I can’t be sure when posting will happing. I just don’t have a good publishing schedule and won’t for awhile. I’m super sorry about that.
I’m going to leave this post where it’s at and just say, thank you for sticking with me. I love this blog, my followers and reading other bloggers awesome, creative post. I’m grateful for it all. I love where I am in my life currently. Even in the midst of this scary stuff, a bright future is ahead of me and my family. I know it. The time will come to clean house in my head and when it does…you’ll know.