A Humble look back
As some of you know, I have been all sides of crazy, sad, anger, and depressed over the past few years! I’ve been alone, lost, cheated, and blamed. Knocked down, pushed around, laughed at, and completely forgotten. My health was bad, both mentally, and physically. I was living my life for others, not for me. Eventually, I stopped living for them too… I just wasn’t living.
Breathing took so much extra effort. I hated myself, and my situation. I wasn’t worth effort, care, love, compassion, or loyalty. I wasn’t getting this from anyone, so it was hard to give it. I was at rock bottom. I wasn’t feeling sad, or mad anymore. I was numb. I felt nothing at all, and that was the worst. When all feeling left my body.
Life wasn’t worth living, so everyday I thought I should just die. It was a scary feeling. I would cry and cry, until one day, I stop producing a single tear. I just was empty.
Those were the worst days of my life.
I didn’t get this way over night. It was a slow bleed. It was years of moving, from one state to another, a foreigner in my own home. They say, those that wander, aren’t always lost; but for some wanders, they are more than lost, they’re isolated, and alone. That was me.
Each month that would go by, I would lose a little more of myself. Until one day I was a stranger even to myself. I didn’t recognizes the girl in the mirror anymore. A broken, scarred body, dark circles under my eyes, sick, no purpose, useless, disgusting. My flame was put out. I had been broken into a million, shattered pieces.
It was March 2019. I had started thinking about driving my car off a cliff. I scare myself. I believed my kids would be fine, maybe even better off. I believed my husband hated me. I believed he was conspiring with his mother against me. I didn’t have any family…not really, that had anything good to say to me. I believed I was just in the way.
These dreadful thoughts, had me scared. I knew I needed to get some help. I was in deep, struggling to breathe! I couldn’t wait one more day for someone to recuse me. No one was coming. I had to save myself.
I have to tell you, this blog played a huge roll in my mental health improvement. I had/have a great community of caring people. I had so many messages coming in to show me love. My writing, being so dark would worried my blogging friends. If it wasn’t for these messages, encouraging me, and just simply checking in, I would have been lost.
One blogger specifically made sure that I knew I wasn’t alone. He turned me back to God, and changed my way of thinking. I’m so thankful for these check ups, the encouragement, that spiritual guidance. It truly saved my life. Without it, I would have never reached out to get professional help.
Not to mention, having Fabricthatmademe (wordpress.com), gave me a place to pour out everything that was locked up tight inside. Uninterrupted, no blaming, no judgement, just bleeding it all out on the keybroad!
April 2019, I started my deep drive. I got help! A team was built around me, to hold me up, keep me accountable, and moving forward. They helped me break it all down, and sift through years of pain, and disappointments. Going through piece by piece, feeling it all, ripping it all apart, and then building it back up.
It was hard. I got worse before I got better.
- Being part of therapy. Joining webinars about coping skills, and gratitude.
- Having a life coach, to guide me, giving to the tools to make a life that I’m proud of.
- Speaking with a health coach to help me reach my full potential.
- Good spiritual leadership, to bring me back to my faith, and remind me that I’m never alone.
It was an amazing team that circled around me! They got me back on my feet.
Things Are looking up!
I have always been a Plan A and Plan B person. I plan on being self reliant, have a career of my own, make my own money, save money for the future! Contribute to the household; as the caretaker of all of us, clean, cook, and provide financially as well. This is plan A.
I have to do all that, just incase Plan B happens. What if I need to be the bread winner of our household? What if I have to raise our kids myself? What if….what if….???
Living this way does some good things, and some not so good things for me. For one, being self-sufficient isn’t a bad thing, but it can case one to never ask for help, and makes me a bad team player. I start to think in terms of “I” and not “we”. The good part is, I’ve become strong mentally, I can push through, and overcome hard things. I’m adaptable to what comes my way.
Over the last 4 years, I have really been able to tailor my Plan A/Plan B approach. I now have a grip on my own purpose in life, verses giving my identity away to grow others. I know how to be part of a family, a team and be flexible. I can do this without losing myself in the process. That’s so important!
I’ve discover things that I enjoy, and I’ve really focused my energy there. Reading, writing, cooking, baking, my health! Now, I am a better wife, and mother, because I know, I’m more than those two things. Those titles are important, but it’s not all there is to me.
I’m not just a mom, I am Tristan and Gigi’s mom, and that changes everything for me. No one else gets to be that! It’s all mine! I’m not just a wife, I’m the wife of the best man around, my best friend. I’m not just a daughter, or sister…I’ve been molded, have experience, joys, and fears. I can look back on my past, and smile now.
Most importantly, I’m a daughter to The King. God lights my path. Just this simple fact alone has set me free! I’m a great friend, a writer, a dancer, a comedian, a listener, a coffee lover….and soon to be margarita enthusiast!
I like myself, I take care of myself. Doing this allows me to give more of myself with compassion, and joy. My outlook on life, isn’t that things are unfair, but that God is for me, and will always make a way. Everyday, I’m grateful for the life He had give me.
Just being humbly grateful for the lessons, the struggles, and the many the blessings has made me who I am today. I wake up different, interacting with the world differently! I’m looking forward to what the day brings, and I stopped allowing things to just simply happen to me. I have some control over my life. I chose my direct, with lots of prayer, and guidance from above, I walk differently.
Every now and then, I look up, and say, “I know that was You, thanks.”
All the bumpy roads, dark hold, brick walls, tear stained faces, and crazy mazes… lead me to this very day. Encouraged, hopeful, energetic, and enjoying life thoroughly! I’m so beyond grateful!
We grew up in Colorado, in a comfort zone that was beating us down, and we didn’t even know it. We moved to North Dakota, and Minnesota, made friends that are like family to me now. I did a lot of self reflection there. Next was California, were I lost it all… almost my life! Forgot why I was living, who I was, and where I was going. But it’s also is where I got help, and started working on the past and looking toward the future. Then came New Jersey, it was a place of healing, reintroducing myself to my family, my husband, and even to myself. It was were I put to action everything that I’d learned over the years.
Now Texas, my home. This place is where it all come together. The hard work, the letting go of what was not mine to carry, and picking up the things that I had forgotten about. This is where relationships grow stronger, my health improves, my faith strengthens, and my family thrives.
The best is yet to come, I’m sure. This is just a small taste of the joy that awaits me and mine!
Currently, we’re living in temporary housing. It’s a nice place, with lots of kids for my kids to play with, it’s safe, and beautiful! But it’s not home. We plan to close on our new home the first part of March. This will be our home….forever!
I know my husband cringes, when I say that I’m not moving again. But the truth is WE, really aren’t moving again. I won’t do it. I love it here to much. My kids are so happy here, and they are able to live a somewhat normal life. Which says a lot right now.
I’m so excited for our new home. It’s a beautiful place, and it’s ours. I feel super blessed to be in this place, right now. Our family will have ample space for themselves, along with a great place for us all to be together. It’s stunning! I’m serious so happy. So thankful!
I’m not only happy about our home, I’m super excited about my health! Mentally, I’m beyond good, but physically, I’ve been through it. So it brings me to happy tears, to know that all the mistakes are about to get made right! Weight loss is happening, bad hysterectomy is being fixed, migraine… appointment is made for this coming week! I’m ready!
With my mental health looking up, my physical health improving, relationships are healthy, and in good shape, I have nothing to complain about! I’m one happy camper!